No wish to breastfeed - partner putting me under pressure to give breastmilk

[AuntyFlo]

Hi everyone. I'm a first time Mum and am 38 weeks pregnant. Apart from the hormones and normal first time Mum jitters I've hit a stumbling block with my partner who wants me to express.
I have no wish or desire to and will be happy to give formula milk.
He made me feel like a terrible person when he knew I didn't want to express and was questioning my decision.
I got very emotional, felt like he was trying to over shadow me and ended up having to justify my reasons amongst the tears.
I reminded him that it's my body that's going through pregnancy and the after bits and that the pressure I felt to 'be the best' and 'give the best' whether it be washing powder, travel system etc was getting too much as it was.
I said that I needed to feel supported in my decision not made to feel like an awful person because of my choices of how to feed.
I've noticed in books it's shoved down your necks that breastfeeeding can be successful if you have a supportive partner, family etc but surely that goes for any method of feeding????????? My family and friend by the way have been great
Please give me your feedback - any would be really helpful when feeling like this

I breastfed exclusively for about a month, and for 3 months mixed fed (there are risks, sometimes I had milk at certain times, some not). However I felt huge, enormous guilt when finally gave up breastfeeding. There simply wasn't the infrastructure and support (it seemed) nearly 14 years ago, and BF wasn't really supported as much as it is now. I simply was led to believe (by well-meaning people) that dd wasn't getting enough milk, and it would be easier to stop feeding entirely. Also I went back to work FT at when dd was 3 months and I didn't think that expressing would even be possible.

The guilt though. I remember sobbing helplessly at the docs, saying I was useless mother because I wasn't still feeding her .

I am so glad that there is more support for breastfeeding now. Still doesn't make it easy, though, as myriads of posts on here tell.

So, was the "stress" that I experienced breastfeeding my dd's - because it was painful (blocked ducts, thrush, mastitis), because I had to do all the night feeds so got less sleep, and because I couldn't go out all day (unless I expressed) - harmful to my babies?

I don't think so. I didn't like all of it, but I did it because it was best for my babies and I was prepared to make sacrifices and suffer some discomfort.

Not everyone is prepared to do this and I understand that, but I don't like the use of "maternal stress damaging baby" excuse that is being used here.

"Breast feeding is the complete opposite. It's agony,a very hard skill to learn, far more time consuming and a huge factor in sleep deprivation you and only you can do it. You feel hemmed in by it,it's suffocating at times.If you're struggling it takes over your brain. With a bottle you pop it in and 5 blissful(for mum and baby) mins later it's job done."

For any women lurking who might be thinking of BF-ing, I want to say that BF-ing doesn't have to be like the description given above.

I've found BF-ing wonderful. Really wonderful. It hurt the first few days, but that was soon a thing of the past. I've never felt hemmed in by it, nor suffocated. Only blissed out and happy when feeding my baby - just as she seems blissed out and happy at the breast. I get plenty of sleep too, btw. Always did. And I've never thought that feeding my baby should be a "5 minute, job done". It's way more satisfying, and pleasurable than that. Seriously - BF-ing doesn't have to be hard or horrible.

I'm with you on that Niggle. There are lots of aspects of parenting that are stressful. Some of which you can't just opt out of.

Gosh, that sounded wrong. What I mean to say is that sometimes the availability of ffeeding means you are not giving yourself a chance to come out the other side.
I know too many wonderful mothers who bitterly regret the decision to switch to formula which was readily offered by well maning hvs/partner/family in place of breastfeeding support.

Puzzlerocks you really have no clue what you're talking about. It was soooo nothing about giving myself a chance. I didn't just opt out of it I battled.

And as for Nigglewicks I was more than prepared to makes sacrifices and have discomfort thankyou very much. I did so for 6 weeks of sheer and utter hell after which I decided my babies had suffered enough. It would have been very selfish of me to continue on regardless just to keep myself happy in the long run. The fact my babies were suffering emotionally was the clincher as far as the dtwins were concerned. DD ended up in SCIBU dehydrated and dangerously ill thanks to me battling on so that was the clincher in her case.

I (a needle phobic) endured rounds of IVF, unpleasant invasive procedures, years of no money,alcohol or caffeine and near death in my battle to have kids so I'm no stranger to sacrifices and discomfort thanks very much. This assumption that us ffeeders just aren't prepared to try hard enough is appalling.

Milamae - You didn't read my post properly.

If you read my second post, I did say that sounded wrong. It wasn't intended as a criticism.

My observations were based on what I saw happening to people I care about deeply and who agree with me. I wasn't talking to you personally.

I used the examples you gave as to why breastfeeding could be stressful.

I wanted to make the point that although these things are difficult for everyone, to argue that the stress it causes is harmful to the baby is a disingenuous.

Clearly if your child ends up dehydrated and is admitted to hospital then you obviously need to re-evaluate, but that was not the example you gave.

I hated breastfeeding for the first couple of months. It was painful, and it made me cry a lot.

I dont feel that it can have my daughter any harm. I wasnt having a good time, but it didnt change the way I felt about her, and she seemed pretty unconcerned about how I was feeling , as long as the milk kept coming, that seemed to be enough to keep her happy.

No Wiggle the other example I gave was that my twins were being affected emotionally.

How is arguing that the stress caused by bfeeding is harmful disingenuous exactly???? For some babies (more than most bfeeding advocates would like to admit) it is harmful. Why shouldn't we their mothers who know them better than anybody else state that?

These things aren't equally as difficult for everyone. We all have different bodies,babies,circumstances,pain thresholds so they can't be.

Stress, tiredness, pressure and anxiety don't have to affect the baby - it's awful to think people may now worry about this

The baby is not really aware of all these negative things - but it's when stress and so on interfere with the mum's ability to relate to and respond to her baby in a 'normal' way that it affects him/her.

A mother who is for a long time, very often sad, depressed, desperate, crying, angry, fearful, nervous and shows it in her face, voice and actions, and who may miss opportunities to smile, play with, talk to, etc her baby.....that's when there are concerns about the baby being affected.

Hope this clears it up! Babies are resiliant enough to cope with their mums' bad days and occasional low moods. Vast majority of mothers who are stressed and tired etc care just fine for their babies

milamae, you say "For some babies (more than most bfeeding advocates would like to admit) it is harmful."

Please stop this....you are continually sniping and imagining a conspiracy of bf advocates and there isn't one. 'Most' breastfeeding advocates??

Anyone who knows about mothers and babies and feeding knows that both breastfeeding and formula feeding have the potential to be the focus of enormous stress and anxiety to some mothers...some of whom may already be vulnerable to serious negative reactions when things go wrong, become painful, work badly in whatever way.

Neither breastfeeding nor formula feeding in themselves causes the emotional and mental problems.

I totally agree Tictok but have to say women 6 weeks into breast feeding hell may well be experiencing all those things in your 3rd paragraph continuously when struggling.

I certainly was as were many of the friends I know,this is the kind of stress I'm talking about and I think it's more common than people like to admit. I don't think any of us needed to be hauled off to the loony bin either it was just time to stop breast feeding which we did and which resolved the situation.

6 weeks continuous misery is a long time in a baby's life and can't be good, I can't see the point in denying it.

But 6 weeks of misery for the mum doesnt have to translate into 6 weeks of misery for the baby.
As I said in my previous post, I hated breastfeeding at first. I am convinced that my baby knew nothing of this.

Is there any evidence to suggest that generally women who find breastfeeding stressful are damaging their babies?
If not then I dont think it is helpful to women who may be having a hard time breastfeeding to suggest that on top of everything else they might be harming their baby.
Of course if there is some evidence that women who find breastfeeding stressful would have healthier babies if they formula fed, then that would be important to know about too.

Totally and utterly disagree with your last paragraph sorry,just because you state that doesn't make it true.

There are far too many statements about this subject that scientifically can't ever be proved 100%. It isn't an exact science. So breast feeding can never be said in itself to cause emotional/mental problems-how ridiculous. You actually think you can make that statement for every single woman. To infer that those of us who find breast feeding hell are already emotionally vulnerable is rather patronising actually

"continually sniping and imagining a conspiracy of breast feeding advocates" I think not.

"Most" was a poor choice of words many would be more correct however I really don't think disagreeing with you can be classed as "continuously sniping and imagining a conspiracy of feeding advocates".

You say you 'agree' with me, milamae - so you agree with me that there is no generalised tendency of bf advocates to somehow hide some horrible truth from women?

I have not denied that some women can extremely stressed and anxious and for a few of these women, breastfeeding makes things worse for them...and that in extreme cases, persistence with bf might adversely affect their babies. Why do you suggest I am denying it?

bigstripey - there is no evidence that struggles and stress with bf is damaging for babies. Bf (or ff) might become the focus for extreme mental anguish and anxiety in the early months and weeks, and at the far end of the spectrum, over time, this could be damaging to babies...just as any long-term anguish and anxiety can affect a baby.

Sorry that was to Tictok.

Big if you know your baby knew nothing it didn't so I wouldn't worry, you are the expert concerning your baby.

My babies were aware I'm convinced of it which is why I stopped, they were different babies though very soon after I switched though so I clearly made the right choice.

I don't think questioning how babies would be affected by breast feeding stress is a bad thing lord know formula is questioned enough, not sure why breast feeding should have a hands off approach.

milamae - it not 'ridiculous' to say bf or ff in themselves do not cause emotional and mental problems.

They are the focus of these problems, and difficulties with feeding may well contribute to the situation. But postnatal emotional and mental problems are complex, individual and never have a sole cause. People's own vulnerabilities may increase their susceptability to problems too - what sends one woman into a downward spiral may well be shrugged off by another.

It is pointless arguing with you. You have had a very bad time, and have gone through a lot - you want to pinpoint one cause of your diffculties for some reason, and to make assumptions that this applies to many women, and that people like me are in deliberate denial of it. None of that's true but you are determined to stick to it!

You mean it's pointless trying to make me agree with you Tictok which yes it is.

What exactly are my "difficulties" ? I simply endured a nightmare when breastfeeding which was quickly rectified by ffeeding. Clearly you are in denial that that might be the case. Far better to assume that I had original "problems" which caused the struggle in the fist place.

You're right best move along and carry on with the same old smoke screen-breast is always best.

Of course, if you give up breastfeeding and give formula after a rough time, you have an enormous vested interest in saying formula was magic and solved all your problems. I'm not saying it didn't solve your problems, but it isn't the answer for many breastfeeding difficulties. I know it wouldn't have answered mine.

A tendency toward 'confirmation bias' is only human, but isn't always helpful a base for answers to others in a particular situation.

Tiktok is only answering with arguably cooler-headed, evidence-based information. Not individual anecdote

Sorry I was under the impression this was an open forum and I can actually post in any fashion I so choose (as long as it's not abusive). I think you'll find that includes individual anecdotes and also hot headed posts. I wasn't aware either were now banned on Mumsnet.

Doris you used individual anecdote in your post-thats ok then

Tiktok I can see you are doing your best to remain even handed and I absolutely applaud that. You are a real gem.

There is one thing i think you might want to consider, though. You have asked posters to agree that there is no 'conspiracy' to hide the dreadful truth about how hard breastfeeding can be. I agree there is no conspiracy BUT my experience (which is anecdotal and therefore not emprically true) is that some breastfeeding advocates are very slow to recognise when there is a genuine issue which may render breastfeeding very very difficult or impossible. Not so much trained LCs, but the peer counsellors and helpline people all told me to just feed DD more, but I simply have low supply and no matter how much I fed, she didn't get enough that way. So I think there are some myths about breastfeeding which the less fully trained advocates can be unaware of and this can lead to a feeling, when you are failing at this incredibly important job you so desperately wanted to succeed at, that you are the worlds worst mother because everyone around you tells you to just keep trying and if you were trying hard enough it would be working.

Again, I emphasise this is not true, IME, with well trained LCs. Unfortunately they are few and far between for many women.

I'm sorry that some of you have had a horrible experience of breastfeeding. Just to say that I had a different experience, because it can be different. This probably isn't relevant to the op as she doesn't want to breastfeed, but I'm posting as it might be relevant to others reading, I don't know.

I wanted to bf both babies, but have only succeeded with ds2 after a lot of effort. I really hate using formula - all the hassle etc and I don't enjoy giving bottles, whereas I do quite enjoy breastfeeding - not the biting and the grizzly times and being woken up at night, but ds1 grizzled and woke at night too, but the general experience.

milamae - you persist in misrepresenting what I say. Your clearly great problems with stress and anxiety, and the worries about your twins' health, were resolved by stopping breastfeeding. I see that. In your case, this was obviously a decision that had positive consequences for you and your babies.

That does not mean your problems had a single cause, or that this single cause was breastfeeding....and I certainly read in other posts of yours that your issues did not resolve instantly as you said you were 'obsessive' about sterilising and that there was some anxiety around it.

When a baby ends up needing hospital treatment for dehydration, this is always the result something going wrong - either the baby's poor feeding has not been recognised by midwifery/medical staff (why not? It's their job!), or it has been recognised and the mother has chosen to ignore it (or is in denial about it). This is not the 'fault' of bf.

You insult me, to be honest, when you accuse me of using a 'smoke screen' of 'breast is best'. I never use the phrase, I don't actually agree with its blanket sentiment, and I am always honest about the complex social, physical, emotional territory that is infant feeding.

thaliablogs - I agree with you, that some people who purport to support breastfeeding are useless at actually doing so in practice, and tell mothers to carry on, to persevere, without recognising that there is a problem to fix, and that it won't be resolved by a mother 'trying harder' whatever that means