No wish to breastfeed - partner putting me under pressure to give breastmilk

[AuntyFlo]

Hi everyone. I'm a first time Mum and am 38 weeks pregnant. Apart from the hormones and normal first time Mum jitters I've hit a stumbling block with my partner who wants me to express.
I have no wish or desire to and will be happy to give formula milk.
He made me feel like a terrible person when he knew I didn't want to express and was questioning my decision.
I got very emotional, felt like he was trying to over shadow me and ended up having to justify my reasons amongst the tears.
I reminded him that it's my body that's going through pregnancy and the after bits and that the pressure I felt to 'be the best' and 'give the best' whether it be washing powder, travel system etc was getting too much as it was.
I said that I needed to feel supported in my decision not made to feel like an awful person because of my choices of how to feed.
I've noticed in books it's shoved down your necks that breastfeeeding can be successful if you have a supportive partner, family etc but surely that goes for any method of feeding????????? My family and friend by the way have been great
Please give me your feedback - any would be really helpful when feeling like this

Auntyflo, so sorry youre feeling pressure at a time when you dont need it.

If you really dont want to bf then I would say DONT! I really didnt want to with dd, was cajoled into it, then meant to feel a failure when it didnt work out (which it was never going to because i didnt want to do it).
With ds I wanted to try, and I managed 2 weeks of bf until I had to give up due to nipples that caused me more pain than childbirth lol
Am now 31 weeks with no.3 and am detemined to try to bf again, because it was a great experience with ds even though short lived.

At the end of the day, we do not live in a 3rd world country, we have clean running water and safe formula. Your baby will not be put at risk from you giving formula. It is entirely your choice and as long as you are happy with the choice you make then thats all that matters.
Happy mum = happy baby and that is more important than anything.

Just out of interest, what are your reasons for not wanting to bf? Im not asking to be judgy because like I said, I never wanted to with dd, and I had my own reasons then too.

happy mum does not equal a happy baby though does it?

you could be ecstatically happy formula feeding your baby, or whatever it is you're doing to make yourself happy.
that does not mean your child is happy. the risks of formula feeding do not disappear simply because the mother is happy to do it. and it does casue health problems that just aren't seen in breastfed babies, so the claim that it "won't damage" a child is just not true.

i don't say this to try and make people feel guilty. hell, i formula fed ds1 after giving up breastfeeding. i found breastfeeding very painful, and very difficult too
but these are the facts about feeding and you cannot ignore it if you are making an informed decision on something as important as this.

yes but there are risks with every decision we make for our children from the minute we get pregnant.
Forcing a mum to bf who really doesnt want to is wrong IMHO.
Youre just being picky about my happy baby happy mum comment, you know perfectly well what I meant by it.
I do not believe that giving formula to a baby is 'damaging' in any way. Not every ff baby will encounter health problems, same as not every bf baby is a picture of health, there are numerous other factors that can affect these things too.

BF is a CHOICE, same as lots of other aspects of parenting.

Dont worry about travel systems, washing powder etc (Is there meant be be a best type of washing powder???)

Plenty of people dont breastfeed. Thats not to say that breastfeeding isnt important, but you wouldnt be that unusual to not do it.

I think that the point about being fully informed is really important. I know people who have bottlefed, and then deeply regretted it because of things that they think could have been avoided by breastfeeding, for example I know someone whos baby developed diabetes, and there is an increased risk of infant diabetes with formula, and so she now tortures herself about that.

If you are fully informed and still once you have weighed everything up decide to formula feed, then at least you wont be in the position of saying to yourself 'if only I had known about that' a few years down the line, IYSWIM.

Just to throw another fly into the ointment here... who's to say you will be able to express? I bf all of mine for at leat 18 months - never managed to express enough to provide a decent feed.

Is there any particular reason why you're so dead set against bf?

you and your husband need to sit down and talk rationally with both of you taking on the other persons point of view and not dismissing it.

You are in this together and need to support each other. one of you is going to have to compromise and what is also very important (possibly more so in the long term) is the emotional bond between mother and baby and the psychological health of all concerned. If you are putting so much pressure on yourselves to be perfect it is going to be so much harder when the reality of a new baby hits home.

Can you both talk to a mw about your choices? For you to be more informed about feeding choices and dp on the importance of supporting you.

Don't put yourself under any pressure, and just try it once in hospital when the baby is first born. It really is quite different than you would imagine when you actually come to do it. You may be one of the lucky ones when it just happens really easily, and you might actually enjoy it! How will you know until you try?

Then, if you really don't want to, that's your choice and at least you can say you tried. Plus the baby will have got some gold dust in the shape of colostrom

mosschops, yes, of course it is a choice. but it needs to be an informed choice. the OP needs to know all the risks of formula before deciding to use it.
there are NO risks to breastfeeding because it is how babies are supposed to be fed, so i disagree that there are risks in every choice we make.

no-one is suggesting that the OP should be forced to breastfeed her baby. but she does need to know all the facts about how to feed.

many people seem to view it as being that artificial feeding is fine, but breastfeeding is better.

that isn't the case. breastfeeding is the norm, and artificial feeding carries many risks
from the article i linked to further down:

"The health consequences - twice the risk of dying in the first six weeks of life, five times the risk of gastroenteritis, twice the risk of developing eczema and diabetes and up to eight times the risk of developing lymphatic cancer ? are staggering."

and don't be fooled into thinking that this is just in developing countries because it isn;t. the risks of formula feeding are the same in the developed world. (the risks in third world countries are worse due to water issues etc)

It would be very difficult surely to express from day 1 to feed a baby? I know sometimes it is done for various reasons but it sounds v tough to me.

Better to try and BF from day 1 IMO and see how it goes.

I am a bit that DP is forcing the issue, yes the child is 50% his too but it is the mother who does the feeding. Should the DP also be able to press the issue if eg he was adamant a drug free birth would be better for baby? No.

OP why is it you don't want to BF? Maybe some people on here will have had similar experiences/reservations etc and will be able to talk it through with you.

Thisisyesterday, it sounds to me that the OP is making an informed choice. Many mothers are aware of the risks and choose to accept them. Just like we accept other risks in life.

I find it startling TBH that in a post entitled 'no wish to breastfeed', posters then choose to try and persuade the OP to bf.

ManicMother - she asked for 'feedback' which I would say equals 'a response to my post'. She has been given a variety of responses, not just responses which have suggested she thinks again, but responses which have 'fed back to her' an assessment of what her partner might be feeling, and a range of other reactions.

I don;t think she has been badly treated by the thread!

I won't get into the discussion about bf vs ff but will just make a different point that you might want to discuss with your DP. Your options really are to breastfeed (and to express for some feeds perhaps, but probably not for several weeks) or to formula feed, or to mix feed i.e. to breastfeed plus formula for some feeds. Expressing and feeding won't work as you won't be able to produce enough milk from expressing alone, you'd need the baby feeding to stimulate production. I mention this only because clearly your DP's expectations are not practical, so perhaps there are other things about both types of feeding both you and he are not fully informed about, and talking about them and the pros and cons might help you to make a decision about how to feed your baby.

I'm sorry you feel pressured about this. It is so important that you are happy and confident with your choice about how to feed your baby, and feel supported by your partner. The only thing I would add is do your research first and get all the inofrmation about breast feeding and formula feeding. Like what Tiktock said your midwife would be a good place to start. But at the end of the day there is so so much more to being a mum than just the first 6 months of feeding, however you choice to do it.

1stMrsF can I correct you, it is possible to solely express and feed your baby breast milk in a bottle. Admittedly not all women are able to due to supply issues but some women can and they do. I speak from experience. I also have a close friend who exclusively pumped for the first 6 months.

Mears (a very well respected midwife Mumsnetter) started an interesting thread recently whenre she asked if people knew that even if they had made the decision not to breast feed, would they have been prepared to give just one feed - the first one, with the colostrum - if they had known just how much benefit that that would impart to the baby.

It really is just a few drops, but it imparts almost magical benefits - not the least of which is a cocktail of your own immunity that you pass on to the baby to protect him/her in the early days.

Even if you don't want to breast feed for whatver reason, maybe you could consider doing this one?

I agree with every word of MillaMae's post of Mon 07-Sep-09 15:12:40

AuntyFlo, it is your body and your choice. Your partner needs to respect that and support you in your choice .

Madeup.. "your body, your choice" could extend to smoking whilst pregnant, no? Doesn't mean it wont have a detrimental impact on your child's health.

prettybird - always makes me feel MUCH better when I read this about colostrum as I did manage 10 days (albeit poor DS didn't get very much) so I think I DID manage to BF actually

I always wonder if people who don't want to try it at all would be the lucky ones who would find it dead easy, t'would be typical!

do it for a week to give your baby the colostrum in the first few feeds. This will give them lots of immunity and help with future illnesses. Without your colostrum ,baby has little to no defencew mechanism. If you dont like breat feeding then give up after the week. Nothing wrong with that

Horses for courses and all that but I found breastfeeding FAR more of a faff than formula feeding.

I'm with Carmen on this one - something about this thread doesn't quite ring true. I'm not suggesting the OP is a troll - I'm sure she really is 38 wks pregnant with her first and has already decided to FF her baby -- want I find unbelievable is that she thought she would find support in this choice on Mumsnet.

Even a cursory glance at the rest of this Breast and Bottle Feeding topic as a newbie would be enough to see that you're unlikely to ever get a "yes, it's your choice and your DH should just respect that" kind of response, and that you're actually going to get "why don't you just try - BFing is so much better" as a response (which is the right response, I agree). So it almost feels like the OP is posting here just to start a debate on the whole subject, which seems to come up time and time again - everyone seems to love a good FF / BF debate!

Either that or the OP is very naive.

FWIW, I agree with those that say the partner is "right" to have concerns about FFing and that he should have an input. Yes the mother has to do it but the baby is 50% his, and whereas he feels he probably can't try and influence the mother in other areas (the birth for example -- Lovelytinofspan made an interesting point about whether DH's should have an input into the kind of birth - i.e. drugs or no drugs), he probably feels he CAN have this debate with the OP.

OP - you've gone quiet - what are your thoughts now you've seen all the responses? What are your reasons to not even consider BFing in the first place?

1stmrsf,
you can exclusively expree and have a good supply- did it myself for ds, not out of choice mind you, for 18 months, he never had formula, and i had so much milk that over that period of time i donated over 3000 ozs!

I also suspected there was a bit of trollery going on here - but still joined in with my tuppence!

I love mumsnet - this is one of the only boards where you could post something like this and have people encouraging you to give breastfeeding a go as well as raising concerns about the quality of information the OP has based her choice on. You wouldn't get that on many other parenting forums.

"I'm sure she really is 38 wks pregnant with her first and has already decided to FF her baby -- want I find unbelievable is that she thought she would find support in this choice on Mumsnet"

Why shouldn't she get support to ff on here? When did mumsnet become an exclusively breastfeeding forum?

Your comment just makes ff seem taboo, we don't all disagree with ff here!

I would hate to be in the OP's DP's shoes - so badly wanting his baby to have the best start in life but helpless to do anything about it except plead with his partner. Must be very frustrating and disempowering for him.

OP - please keep this in mind when having these discussions with your DH - he has to rely on you to do the best by his baby when it comes to pregnancy, birth and feeding. If you get annoyed with him, please just try to empathise with how powerless he must feel and go easy on him!

I'm so sorry that you're feeling under pressure I know what you mean about everything having to be the best, it feels like an awful lot to deal with, its stressing me out no end!!

If you want to formula feed, whatever your reasons, its your choice, and you shouldn't have to justify it to anyone, especially not your partner.