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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

No wish to breastfeed - partner putting me under pressure to give breastmilk

175 replies

AuntyFlo · 07/09/2009 09:47

Hi everyone. I'm a first time Mum and am 38 weeks pregnant. Apart from the hormones and normal first time Mum jitters I've hit a stumbling block with my partner who wants me to express.
I have no wish or desire to and will be happy to give formula milk.
He made me feel like a terrible person when he knew I didn't want to express and was questioning my decision.
I got very emotional, felt like he was trying to over shadow me and ended up having to justify my reasons amongst the tears.
I reminded him that it's my body that's going through pregnancy and the after bits and that the pressure I felt to 'be the best' and 'give the best' whether it be washing powder, travel system etc was getting too much as it was.
I said that I needed to feel supported in my decision not made to feel like an awful person because of my choices of how to feed.
I've noticed in books it's shoved down your necks that breastfeeeding can be successful if you have a supportive partner, family etc but surely that goes for any method of feeding????????? My family and friend by the way have been great
Please give me your feedback - any would be really helpful when feeling like this

OP posts:
ManicMother7777 · 08/09/2009 19:07

Queen (love the name btw) - personally, what I find 'deeply patronising and insulting to women's intelligence' on MN is that usually, any decision to ff is met with the view that the mother needs to understand the facts and is not making an informed decision. As I've said before, I think that many mothers are indeed making an informed decision, they know the facts and the risks but decide, for whatever reason, to accept those risks and not bf.

It is also nonsense to say, as some do, that there are no risks to bf - this may be true purely from the baby's health perspective, but bf also involves the physical and emotional health of the mother. For example, there is no risk of cracked, excruciating painful nipples with ff is there!

BTW, I have had one disastrous experience with bf and one very successful experience and am fully familiar with the full range of difficulties with conflicting advice, sore nipples, lack of support, family approval AND disapproval - you name it!

MadameCastafiore · 08/09/2009 19:16

Manicmother to compare breastfeeding with buying a travel system or a certain washing powder shows - in this case - that the OP has absolutely no idea about just how beneficial breastfeeding can be.

sorky · 08/09/2009 19:18

Tiktok normally I bow to your wisdom and yes I fully respect that some women have psychological reasons and body issues or have experienced trauma, which means they don't want to BF.

The OP has not intimated at this though and in it's absence, my point was that to not even try, when there is no good reason, is selfish imo.

What she asked for was feedback, any feedback.

OP, the end of pg is very hard both physically & psychologically. Perhaps you could adopt a 'wait n see' approach, take a bit of the pressure off yourself and explain this to your Dh.
If when the baby arrives you feel the same then FF, I'm sure your Dh will be supportive once baby is here and you are parenting together. Good luck

KembleTwins · 08/09/2009 19:21

If I was the OP, I would have disappeared from this board too. To be 38 weeks pregnant, post on a forum entitled "Breast and Bottle Feeding" about a very real concern, only to be told she is selfish and uninformed, that she hasn't thought about her baby, that she "has no idea" is dreadful. None of you know the OP. She has not been back on here to justify her decision, and nor should she have to. S

Sorry, but it makes me really angry.

mrsjammi · 08/09/2009 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dorisbonkers · 08/09/2009 19:29

Can I just suggest not making your mind up until your baby is born?

The only reason I say that is that I had a fear of natural birth and breastfeeding that stems I think from me being raped.

As it turned out by about 8 months I'd completely turned around and wanted a natural birth. As it turned out I had to have a section at 8 months but I still thought I'd have a problem with breastfeeding and was in denial (so knew nothing about how it works, although plenty about why it is so good).

The minute she was out I was breastfeeding but it didn't click for a few days. But I was so glad I did it. I found it astonishingly hard mentally because I was unprepared and she was so little and jaundiced but 11 months on we're still exclusively feeding.

And it's not for the health benefits primarily that I'm so glad I fed her myself -- it's the relationship (I won't use that horrid word 'bonding') element to it. The fact that I can feed her to sleep, comfort her, give her a quick drink, reconnect if I've been apart for a couple of hours.

If I hadn't just swallowed my reluctance (I was always going to b/feed but just felt I didn't want to much) and got on with it, I'd have missed this. It's the best, most unselfish thing I've ever done for another person.

Can you talk to someone about it? I'd hate for you to not give it a go and then really regret it.

But just because you feed her a second class substance, doesn't make you a second class mother. All the very best to you. xx

madeupsurname · 08/09/2009 19:31

Agree with KembleTwins, I'm afraid.

Yes, the health benefits of breastfeeding are very real, but it makes me very angry that the OP's autonomy and right to choose what happens with her own body is being undermined.

madeupsurname · 08/09/2009 19:32

By all means encourage her to bf in a kind and supportive way (as Tiktok and other have done), but some posters here are really out of line.

SouthMum · 08/09/2009 19:36

OP - Please give me your feedback - any would be really helpful when feeling like this

Yes OP asked for feedback, but its fairly obvious from the tone of the post that she wanted support.

OP - You have your own reasons for not wanting to bf, it doesn't matter what they are. I think your DP is being an arse frankly. He is entitled to his opinion but he should be more understanding of why you don't want to do it.

SouthMum · 08/09/2009 19:49

oh dont tell me I have killed another one.....

dorisbonkers · 08/09/2009 19:52

What tiktok said: "Happy breastfeeding can be very healing of body issues, of course, and help women become confident and strong."

Really applies to me. Breastfeeding and going all out AP has in many ways exorcised my demons.

It wasn't so much that I couldn't bear to be touched, far from it. But it did something to the woman in me. Breastfeeding for this long (no intention of stopping) has healed me.

Having a supportive partner was a necessity though. OP I hope you work it out. You may feel very differently when you have your baby in your arms.

tiktok · 08/09/2009 20:00

No one knows the reasons for the OP's dislike of bf. They could be deep and personal. We don't know because she has chosen not to share them. She thinks (or thought yesterday) that there was no difference in health effects, so I think it is reasonable for people to suggest she may not be well-informed about the options.

She may have disappeared because she does not want to share her reasons - her choice again, to remain private.

But she did ask for feedback...

Original poster
AuntyFlo · 08/09/2009 22:01

Thanks for all your feedback I'm not sure I communicated myself properly - hormones LOL. I'm not saying that travel systems etc are as important as what you decide to do with regard to feeding. I'm saying that there's pressure to do and be the best from all angles about everything even down to the not so important bits.
I admire any Mum for whatever decisions they make that they feel best for their babies whether it be breastfeeding or formula, to choice of nursery to diet.
As they say you have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to really KNOW what that other person feels and I wouldn't judge anyone - it's down to them.
My partner now realises and understands my feelings and personal misgivings about bf which is great too.

OP posts:
LovelyTinOfSpam · 08/09/2009 22:14

AF I'm glad that you have talked to DP and sorted things out.

Stereophonic · 08/09/2009 22:15

Well Auntyflo - if you weren't fully informed before reading the replies as some people have suggested, you certainly are now!

Good luck to you, I hope whatever your decision everything goes well and I am glad your partner understands your feelings. I would echo whoever suggested that you don't make a concrete decision now, but see how you feel when baby is here, and if you are able to even give one feed then that will be beneficial. You may feel completely differently when you meet your baby. Or, you may not, and ultimately it is your choice. I don't believe you are selfish as some people have suggested if you go straight to ff, but I do think a decision like this ought to be carefully considered and all the facts known. As someone else said though it's not only about statistics, all things are not always equal.

Original poster
AuntyFlo · 08/09/2009 22:18

BTW, I've just read some of the feedback going back from yesterday and WOW, there's alot of strong feelings out there
I know what and how I meant what I said but sometimes it doesn't come out right when you type it LOL.
I really do appreciate the feedback however harsh some of it was but, believe me, if you knew the background to me as an individual person your reactions MAY have been different. I can't wait to meet my little one after thinking I may never have the opportunity after some misfortune last year and am so excited.
With thanks imparticular to the kind words from various people who understood my jabbering

OP posts:
VulpusinaWilfsuit · 08/09/2009 22:23

Auntyflo, I do hope, if the posts from Tiktok and Dorisbonkers sound at all relevant to you, that you will think on those things and maybe consider talking to someone about your issues over BF?

I have no doubt that your reasons for feeling the way you do are good ones. But it might be that those can be changed too, and that might help you and your relationship with your body and your child. Good luck with it all anyhow.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 08/09/2009 22:26

Good luck AF

And please do use MN for support if you need it later on - the people on here are very supportive - this particular topic gets people going but everyone is really very helpful.

If you have anything you want to talk about now or later on, or need some advice, I can almost guarantee that there will be people on here who have been through the same or similar and happy to give advice/support/whathaveyou..

PuzzleRocks · 08/09/2009 22:36

That's a great post Vulpusina.

OP FWIW I only ever intended to feed DD1 for two weeks and admit I found the first feed mentally uncomfortable. She is now two and still has the odd feed alongside her 4 month old sister. I never imagined I would love breastfeeding as much as I do.

Good luck.

cory · 09/09/2009 08:09

Can I just say how much I like reading tiktok's sympathetic and sensitive posts, promoting breastfeeding whilst bearing in mind that people have all sorts of different challenges to cope with.

tiktok · 09/09/2009 09:21

at cory

Amanda1977 · 09/09/2009 10:06

Antyflo, the main thing is that you are happy with your decision because if you are happy then baby will be happy too. If you are stressed trying to do something you are really uncomfortable with then baby will pick up on this. I think it is a little patronizing that some fellow Mumsnetters are implying that you aren't aware of the benefits of bfing etc etc. You must do what you feel comfortable with. Aptamil is apparently the best Formula milk as told to me by a health visitor.
I really wanted to bf and managed 12 wks of it and am plagued with guilt that I didn't last longer. Apparently a traumatic birth can mean you don't make enough milk, hence my dd was losing weight despite my desperation to bf.
Do not be bullied by anyone, Antyflo. It is unfair that women now feel so judged by fellow mothers. I am so ashamed at bottlefeeding my dd I never get the bottle out in public! I know this is silly and hate the way society makes me feel like this.
Good luck with everything.

HumphreyCobbler · 09/09/2009 10:08

really there is no evidence to tell which is the best formula milk

Aptimil is heavily marketed to HCPs, that is why they recommend it.

WidowWadman · 09/09/2009 10:30

Fwiw, I thought there was a lot of pressure to bf when I was pregnant and it almost pushed me into wanting not to do it just to be contrary. I know it's not very mature, but that's how I react when I feel I'm being nagged too much.

In the end I decided to give it a go, but never expected to be able to for more than a few

tiktok · 09/09/2009 10:37

Amanda - stress and the OP's comfort is indeed a factor, and several posts have underlined this. It is too dogmatic to say that the baby 'will pick up on' the stress in a way that would negate the positive effects of breastfeeding. There are many mothers who struggle to breastfeed and who are in pain and highly uncomfortable - it's just incorrect to imply they should not be doing this.

The HV's info on Aptamil simply reflects the amount of marketing that Aptamil have targeted at healthcare professionals - for precisely this reason, so mothers pass the message on that it is 'the best'.

It's horrible you feel guilty and ashamed at bottle feeding It's not at all 'silly' - it's not right, as you have nothing to feel guilty and ashamed about, but it's not silly You wanted to do something, you worked hard at it, you wanted to do it because you recognised it was a special experience that benefitted your baby...and it didn't work out. Of course you are going to feel sad and disappointed and regretful, both for you and your baby. Clearly not your 'fault' it didn't work out