Breasts and Breast Feeding and Sex and Body Image and Relationships...

[swottybetty]

I can't promise my post is going to be any more concise than its title. There will be a lot of waffle ahead, if you read on thanks for indulging me. Keen to hear about other peoples' experiences.

I am preg with no. 2. With dd, i made a half hearted attempt at BF that lasted about a fortnight. I had noy wanted to BF and had approached it on a "take every day as it comes" basis. It weirded me out less than I thought it would, but hurt a lot more, Given that I never really wanted to do it in first place, the pain was enough to stop me in my tracks.

I want to give it a better go next time. I think MN and being around other BF mums has normalised it for me a lot. There are two other big reasons I want to give it a go. Firstly I am a bit of a twat about food and my "real" milk seems now to be a more natural food to give dd. Second reason is much harder to right down, but it is because I feel like I will be a better mum if I BF.

Anyhoos, that's just the context - ultimatley it what makes me NOT want to BF that I most want to hear from other people about.

I don't want to BF because I can't come to terms with losing my breasts as a sexual thing, as part of the way I look. As my fave part of my body. This is stupid cause even without BF they are really different after pregnancy.

I cringe when I hear about nipples toughening up, breasts filling and emptying. I feel so embarressed to write that but its true. Last preg I could not look at my boobs after about 7 months and already I do not want to see them in their new shape. I really didnt want to look at dd (or pump when i expressed) last time.

After having dd lost loads of weight quickly and worked out really hard. Save for my breasts, I looked great. I have found sex near impossible ever since tho. Its not just my breasts but also my fanny i feel so different with. I really would not know how to have sex now. I certainly cannot imagine that BF'ing for any period of time would make that any easier.

So am i just hugely immature? Did other people not feel like they were making a choice between being two dif kinds of women? Or do others feel like they did make a choice but that it was OK?

DH was not hugley comfortable with me BF - his family all vocally anti-BF. But i think that mainly this stems from me. I do not have a prob with six months dedicated to my new LO and feeding (and therefore no sex) if i thought that at the end i could get my old boobs back....

wow for being so honest

and you are rambling a lot less than you think .

I am the other way around, unhappy with my weight and would not mind smaller boobs, but bf has made me feel a more complete woman and that has extended into my sexual feelings. I am also lucky to have a very pro-bf dh who finds me just as sexy.

For what it is worth it is pregnancy and giving birth that changes the shape of your boobs and fanny, not bf (duh, I realise that in terms of your fanny you worked that out yourself, sorry it is late )

Don't think you are immature at all. You could have gone straight for ff, but chose for the benefit of your baby.

And no one, i repeat no one needs family members that are vocal anti-bf

Well I am still feeding and I can see mine are a bit less perky but then I am cracking on a bit and I have had two babies and I have been feeding first one then this one for four years so they aren't that bad ,considering!I feel more womanly actually,not less,but I do find it hard to think of my breasts as madly sexy as I am feeding with them all the time.I am sure that will come back when I stop.Your body changes over time even without babies,just enjoy waht amazing things it can do! I have found breastfeeding really fulfilling and wonderful,honestly and it has been worth initial pain and a softer cleavage to have the experience of nursing babies.(tearful soppy emoticon)

maybe i am unfair about the anti-BF thing from DH. Just that his mum always makes a big thing out of fact she didnt, as does his sister and he switches over if there are any close up of BF on telly.

I also know however that if i led the way and was v comfortable with it then that would overcome his problem with integrating dif sides of me and dif uses for me parts...

re the size of boobs - i have big uns and that half the prob. i was looking at some natural birthing books today and i am so jealous of the smaller boobed women who look so dainty when naked in mid labour. i am trying to work out whether a bikini or loose tee shirt will be best for this pain free dream home birth i'll be having

OMG i wrote "right" rather than "write" in my OP... its shame squared for me tonight then.....

I find my BF breasts incredibly sexy actually they look and feel much nicer than when i'm not
I personally don't think that there is any difference as a mother whether you BF or not - I did BF but mainly because in the long run it was easier and I am essentially lazy
My boobs went back to their original size ll my old pre baby bras fit (I am now on my 3rd preg and am enjoying the diff again!)
There are always going to be some moms who make a big deal about it but we all do the best we can for our little ones and we are as well to remember that.
Your breast settle down after about 6-8 weeks and no longer feel so full all the time except when you miss a feed - might be worth giving it that long to see if you feel better about it once that has happened.
You will always come up with opposition to BF but then you will about just about every other decision you make for your LO as you prob have already found out!
Sorry its my turn to have waffled a bit

re reading that it does sound like waffle - sorry
and that should read all my old bras

Swotty,it is a very confusing issue isn't it?
Have you thoguht of just going with the flow and seeing how you feel?
Life doesn't have to be put on hold for breastfeeding you know.
I can't recall I did anything different to any other time regarding eating, drinking, sex and so on.A big attraction for me was the ease of breastfeeding after the first few weeks.

Sorry you are surrounded by such attitudes.Support from those closest is such an important thing.

Swotty you've articulated what a lot of women think (well, a few that i've spoken to, so i'm assuming it's not that rare). It's great that you're thinking about this and trying to do the best thing for your next DC as well as your first, despite the challenges.

Personally, I have issues with my breasts multi-tasking, iykwim, so made it clear to DP that even if we have sex while I'm still BFing, breasts are fairly off limits, as it feels entirely unsexy having them manhandled when their day job is feeding DS!
It doesn't really stress me out, and I kind of figure I'll return them to their previous role as part of my body afterwards.

Can you begin to think of some coping strategies? Such as

• having BF helpline numbers to hand in hospital bag - that way you can speak to someone and make sure any discomfort is normal, not bad latch etc
• feed discreetly if possible until you're more comfortable - perhaps with a muslin tucked under bra strap and draped of DC's head - even when you're alone or just with DP, so you can kind of avoid the subject mentally.

that sounded like me encouraging you to avoid the issue, worded it badly! I mean, so that you're not necessarily thinking about it every time you feed.

ty for your replies.

madmouse it seems like there is no conflict for you? that is interesting to hear.

hellymelly - it sounds like even if there were a conflict for you, you're really happy with your choice. that is good to know, thank you. if my boobs are not what they were anyway and i feel uncomfortable with being a sexual person in general now i am a parent (and also the fanny thing) then i might as well BF to get the rewards because the damange to the way i feel isnt limited to my boobs.

i know i seem really selfish and immature when weighing up my fors and againsts. in an in-for-a-penny-in-for-a-pound kind of way, i may as well dive in and say that the benefits for baby are quite low on my list . when i went to the antenatal BF session at my local hosiptal i was quite surprised that the benefits were not more than they were.

i am going to get flamed, arent i? but that is the truth. and then i feel guilty because part of me thinks, well if it going to really hurt my relationship with DH cause we dont have sex potentially forever, then maybe those six weeks (cause really thats all i'm talking about here) of BF over FF will surely have even less net benefit. So then i feel awful cause this is clearly my problem, and noone else seems to think there is a conflict there. Or they do think theres a conflict but they choose the option that is best for their baby. why am i not motivated by that best for baby stuff more ?? all i can think is that i cant type here how i felt about my boobs during my v brief BF time because it would upset people and poss cuase offence.

I think you're not going to get your old boobs back (if you didn't get them back after your first DD) whether you feed your baby breast milk or formula. What you get in the boob department will be much the same either way -- although you may get the final result sooner if you formula feed, I suppose. But then if you're not going to be happy with the final result then getting to it sooner isn't necessarily a plus.

I don't find a conflict between my breasts as part of breastfeeding and as part of my sex life. Or at least, that's not quite true -- for the first few weeks of having a new baby I don't want DH anywhere near my breasts. But that's during that initial intense period when the baby is feeding all the time anyway. Once that settles down then it's game on again.

Swotty,I don't think anyone will get cross you for being honest about how you feel.You can't help that. Some might argue that your feelings have come about as a result of the drip drio effect of the forces that have a vested interest in ensuring that breastfeeding is seen as some sort of fringe activity.

All youy can do is make up your mind based on the information available to you, which might be a mix of other people's opinions, experiences and attitudes, as well as some cold hard facts.

This list on 101 reasons to breastfeed your child is an inspiring read.

Also the site How breastfeeding works which has been set up by a lovely MNer who is very interested in opinions like yours has lots of useful info. and comment.

I can understand where you are coming from, so dont beat yourself up. I was lucky and had a hugely supportive DH, who found me (or least had the common sense to claim he did!) attractive whilst bf. In fact he commented not long ago that we should have got more 'semi-nude' pics of me during the bf months as my boobs looked good.....

I think your dh will take your lead, and you shouldn't feel that he will find you unattractive, and certainly not worry what his family think. In terms of vainity etc...I am VAIN. I also worried about the whole body image thing. I didn't see myself as an unshaven earth mother type...and thats because that is an old fashioned stereotype. Elle Macpherson bf both her kids FGS...how much sexier (and possibly unattainable...) can you get? You mentioned the benefits not being great as you thought they were and may outweigh damaging your relationship with DH. I'm not sure if you went to a class that was trying to be particularly inclusive, and not piss off people planning to bottle feed (NOTE: I am not a militant...dd got the odd bottle of formula as well!)but the benefits are HUGE. Seriously, they are well documented and include you as well as the baby.

Back to the vainity thing; the weight fell off me during bf, and I exercised as well (which you can do whilst feeding, despite rumours to the contrary.) I got some really nice bf bras from the Elle Macpherson feeding range, and invested in some camisole feeding tops as well. Please don't think that being a bf mother means that you have to suppress your normal looks and personality.

Hi Swotty, I really understand where you're coming from. I'm pg with DS2 and already missing my sexy breasts (they look great but are really sensitive so no playing :-( ) I expressed with DS1 for 3 weeks and bFed for 5 and hated pumping, esp in front of DH as I just felt like a big milk cow.

I think in my situation I felt less secure as DS1 arrived 9w early, so I just had no time to prepare mentally, and DH and I being very early in our relationship (we were engaged but had been together about 12 months when DS was born). We'll have been married 3 years in Sept and he's much more pro-BF this time, so I'm going to give it a go (my initial goal is 16 weeks), but just wanted to let you know you're not alone! My decision to BF this time is mostly practical, everyone's told me it's easier than formula with 2 kids under 3!

Totally understand. Am currently bf ds2 12 weeks old. Have agreed to mix feed, a couple of weeks ago.
Dh has been fine about bf, but now "wants his boobs back". I think he is a bit scared of breast milk squirting all over him in the middle of sex.
PLUS, his mum and all his sisters are very very pro formula.
I just wanted to let you know that I hear and understand what you are saying.

thank you all for your responses. it is very good to think it through. i posted this message twice (went back to delete phrase which included the word cringe in it...) and i have had a few responses on other thread too so if it looks like i'm chatting nonesene to noone that is why.

thanks for hosnesty laumiere. know what you mean re milk cow. i would have to put a rug over myself to pump because i found it so ughhh,my nipple being pulled and other boob spilling over at same time. i felt all my dignity had gone sitting there dripping and smelling in front of him. when are you due? if i give it a go i think i will aim for six weeks of Exc. BM (eg BF and EBM) and another six weeks of mixed feeding. i am v v lucky that DH will be around almost all of the first three months so i will have lots of support looking after two. i will have two under 18 months when he goes back to work! do you feel ok about considering BF one for longer than the other? i feel hugely guilty already. but then jeez i feel guilty about a lot of things

thank you notyummy, you sound yummy btw i may look at those bras. sounds silly but that may make quite a bit of difference. we decided not to buy any nice BF bras until we were sure i would BF as we not wadded and nice ones so pricey. maybe a couple of nice bras and tops could be money well spent. i will do my maths compared with cost of FF.

thank you twinkly for your honesty, esp re the fanny . no, i dont have a problem with feeling aroused by it, thank goodness. when i did it briefly there were def sensations sim to arousal but separating them in my head was not a prob at all. that is strange isnt it given my attachment to boobs as sexual things? i am a bit worried dc2 will be a boy tho in this respect.

re the hurting - i think if you are only intending to BF for a short period of time then pain is part of the package isnt it? when i was struggling with dd i posted here and a kind and well meaning MNer said that it really gets better around the ten week mark .

hello tiktok- i would not have done even one day with DD if it werent for you so ta. i had a dif name tho and was really embarressed after you gave me quite a lot of your time and i quit anyway . umm, actually, there arent that many other bits of me that are so important to me when having sex IYKWIM

oblomov if it were up to you would you carry on Exc. BF? do you think men from families who FF (esp sisters cause they are more current baby feeders) find it harder to integrate the idea of boobs as milk and boobs as sexy?

I must say Swotty,I would rather die than express in front of anyone (even dh) and there is no more vocal supporter of breastfeeding than me. My sister would leave her used one lying around the place (or unwashed in the sink) and it really put me off. Some people might find that a really offensive thing to say but that is how I felt/feel.
We all have places where we drew the line.

I think breasts and other bits of the female anatomy can be a bit confusing because they are multi-purpose. However, for many of us, for a good portion of our lives they have served only a sexual purpose, and often a very fulfilling one at that. Hence the physical changes and new uses they go through can be rather a challenge to understand, especially when these are not issues we ever thought about in any depth before having children.

I certainly felt very different about my 'down below' regions after ds was born, as they'd had a total remodelling following a forceps delivery and an obscene number of stitches. It's never going to be how it was, but it's not really worse, just different, and though everything looks normal anatomically and things are in the 'right' places, areas of sensitivity can be different than they were before. Initially I found the change rather distressing and off-putting, but gradually re-learned how to enjoy that part of my body in the best way again. I think part of it was that the changes were associated in my mind with a rather traumatic birth. It did take patience and understanding from dh. In all honesty, it's only really several months after a very positive natural and straighforward second birth that things really felt OK emotionally in regards to that part of my body again. The good birth actually seemed to heal all sorts of emotional wounds for me. My earlier feelings didn't stop us enjoying sex, but it was different for me to before babies. I think I'm rambling now, so will stop.

As for breasts, well to me when they've been sore then they're totally unsexy and a no go area. However, at other times during lactation I have no problem in using them for different purposes at different times. Having fuller breasts makes me feel sexier. These feelings are very personal though.

Coming to terms with the changes pregnancy wreaks on your body can be hard whether it's the intimate parts, or stretch marks and a saggy tummy. None of us are the same woman once we're a mother, physically or emotionally and it's bound to take time to adjust. Only you can decide how you feel about your body and your babies.

There are some really striking images of breastfeeding here -some would even say sexy. The women, not the breastfeeding that is.

Swotty,yes, regarding organs and bodies as being multi-purpose.
Do men get wound up about sex because they use their penis to urinate with??

I think support from those around you is a big thing - if your DH and in-laws were more in favour do you think it would have made a difference? I'm with you on the boobs / sex thing though - I've been feeding my DS now for 9 months and still feel a bit weird if my boobs are involved in sex, as I think does my DH.
I think you should maybe start from the point of view "give it a go" as you did last time. I started off with this attitude, found it painful for the first couple of weeks, but it really does improve dramatically after this time, I wouldn't describe it as toughening up your nipples though - still sensitive to soft touches etc, just that feeding becomes a non-specific sucking sensation. Good luck with whatever you decide though - thanks for opening up this subject too.

Hi swotty!

I must admit that DH was always very supportive of the pumping, so I think a lot of it was my perception. I had terrible trouble latching DS on and he'd stop feeding and shake his head all the time, my HV was HIDEOUS and never offered help (although she did actually forbid me to stop bf, I went straight out and bought formula!). No one told me that DS would feed differently being 9 weeks prem and I eventually gave up through exhaustion and feeling like a cow. I also had really sensitive nipples when feeding after all the pumping which didn't help with the mixed messages.

I don't feel at all guilty, as DS1 got a sane and happy mummy back, and it also turned out he had cerebral palsy, and so formula suited him much better as he didn't have to work so hard for food and I could NOT pump any more!

Sorry, got a bit long! I'm due 10 March but as DS1 was early I'm expecting this one will arrive in Feb....

Swotty, I think you are brave to post so honestly about your feelings. I pumped for dd for 8 weeks, then bf for 15 months and never quite figured out how I felt about post baby sexuality. Not that there was masses of it, but still....I had a section so felt weirdly intact down below but very tender everywhere else. DH was very on side with bf but at the same time a bit freaked by how different I was post pregnancy, but we got there gradually.I can vouch for the fact that he mostly stayed away from my boobs the whole time I was bfing.

Oddly enough, have felt a lot saucier and more comfortable with being sexual in this pg. (Briefly ponders whether to name change to provide details. Opts not to on taste and decency grounds) Totally with you on the nice bra front, in fact I have ended up using them as maternity bras as anything else makes my tits look like fried eggs.

I've been thinking a bit more about all thi. I think one of the issues is that before we have post-pregnancy breasts of our own we have no idea what they will be or look like. In fact, the images of breasts in the media don't even reflect the range of normal pre-baby! There is a site that has a big range of normal pics here. The range is huge, and almost none look like anything I've ever seen on TV, though some look remarkably like my own and my mothers .

Go on Lizzytee... I'm intrigued now!

breasts don't stop being sexy just because they're used for their natural purpose... i never understand this attitude that if they're being used by baby then the man has to stay away, dp loves my boobs just as much when i'm feeding and they're just as sexual (if rather differantly shaped!) as they were before.

as for not having sex while your bf-ing why? you don't stop being a woman when you become a mother and it's really not healthy to seperate the 2 to such a degree.

i don't think your issues are really about bf-ing though are they? you talk about losing the ability to have sex and not feeling sexual since having your dd... that's not a bf-ing related issue, that's something far more complex and deep rooted.

have you talked to a councellor about the way you feel about your body? does your dh make you feel sexy and attractive or is he contributing to these feelings?

you do understand that whether or not you bf.... you will never ever have your old body and boobs back.... ever. you've borne children and that changes your body, embrace those changes, things are differant, but that doesn't automatically equate to worse.