Breasts and Breast Feeding and Sex and Body Image and Relationships...

[swottybetty]

I can't promise my post is going to be any more concise than its title. There will be a lot of waffle ahead, if you read on thanks for indulging me. Keen to hear about other peoples' experiences.

I am preg with no. 2. With dd, i made a half hearted attempt at BF that lasted about a fortnight. I had noy wanted to BF and had approached it on a "take every day as it comes" basis. It weirded me out less than I thought it would, but hurt a lot more, Given that I never really wanted to do it in first place, the pain was enough to stop me in my tracks.

I want to give it a better go next time. I think MN and being around other BF mums has normalised it for me a lot. There are two other big reasons I want to give it a go. Firstly I am a bit of a twat about food and my "real" milk seems now to be a more natural food to give dd. Second reason is much harder to right down, but it is because I feel like I will be a better mum if I BF.

Anyhoos, that's just the context - ultimatley it what makes me NOT want to BF that I most want to hear from other people about.

I don't want to BF because I can't come to terms with losing my breasts as a sexual thing, as part of the way I look. As my fave part of my body. This is stupid cause even without BF they are really different after pregnancy.

I cringe when I hear about nipples toughening up, breasts filling and emptying. I feel so embarressed to write that but its true. Last preg I could not look at my boobs after about 7 months and already I do not want to see them in their new shape. I really didnt want to look at dd (or pump when i expressed) last time.

After having dd lost loads of weight quickly and worked out really hard. Save for my breasts, I looked great. I have found sex near impossible ever since tho. Its not just my breasts but also my fanny i feel so different with. I really would not know how to have sex now. I certainly cannot imagine that BF'ing for any period of time would make that any easier.

So am i just hugely immature? Did other people not feel like they were making a choice between being two dif kinds of women? Or do others feel like they did make a choice but that it was OK?

DH was not hugley comfortable with me BF - his family all vocally anti-BF. But i think that mainly this stems from me. I do not have a prob with six months dedicated to my new LO and feeding (and therefore no sex) if i thought that at the end i could get my old boobs back....

I suppose my take on all this may not be so sympathetic as others who have already posted, but if you want opinions, here's mine.

I suppose for me, it was irrelevant that my breasts had been a 'sexual' part of my body, since once I became pregnant, I accepted that my baby's needs were more important than my self image. I suppose that I'm lucky in that I'd always wanted to breastfeed and have come from a family where breastfeeding is the norm and is supportive.

I'm fairly forthright however, and to me, what someone else thinks about my breasts is wholly irrelevant. If my partner thought he had some kind of prior claim to my breasts, I'd tell him to grow up, do some reading and realise what breasts are for - specifically feeding babies, not Page 3 of The Sun .

However, if you come from a background where breasts are inextricably linked with sexualised imagery, perhaps you can take some positive steps to perhaps change your mindset?

For example, reading some thought-provoking books such as 'The Politics of Breastfeeding'. Or perhaps trying to embrace your inner 'earth-mother', rather than being hung-up on a superficial and fake idea of what a woman actually is.

I think sexuality and motherhood are not mutually incompatible. It is possible to be a sexual being and a breastfeeding mother. It's not necessary to have to choose between the two; rather it's a case of re-adjusting ideas.

Have you maybe thought about therapy to discuss some of your ideas and misgivings?

Lastly, you say that "the benefits for the baby are low on my list". Without meaning to be too harsh, perhaps you should consider that once you become a mother, things no longer revolve around you anymore, but rather your baby and your baby's health, not your self-image and your husband's jealousy over your breasts, should become your priority.

I don't understand the OP's suggestion (sorry if I have misunderstood this) that she and her husband will not be able to have sex whilst she is BFing.

I'm kind of agreeing with RockinSock although perhaps not quite so stridently. Sexuality and motherhood are definitely not incompatible. When I actually have the energy to have sex I feel much more confident than I did pre DS and I think that is because I now think, wobbly bits and all, that my body is pretty darned clever to have conceived him, grown him and nursed him for 22 months.

I agree with a lot of comments on here and think you are so brave to post your feelings.

Pre babies I had a lovely pair of boobs, very pert so much so that I was often asked if I had had a boob job , three babies later they are erm not so pert but I bloody love them.

I look at my 6 month old DD3 and think she is alive and growing because of my body through my boobs, aren't they just bloody great? My fanjo has taken a fair old bashing too and my stomach isn't flat anymore but I don't care I have grown 3 babies. I think as women we must cast out the 17 year old images we see all around us and appreciate that time and childbearing takes it's toll on our bodies. DP doesn't have the 20 year old body he once had either, his hair is falling out and he has grey in his beard but it doesn't make me fancy him any less.

If you don't want to BF then don't, it doesn't make you less of a Mother for not BFing. Being a good Mum isn't about BFing or not.

My DP was never a boob man anyway he used to say mine were wasted on him! We still have sex when I'm BFing and I still feel sexy.

Oh and I have the most lovely pink lacy hotmilk feeding bra on which does help as I remember hating those saggy M&S white ones.

I also know a few women who have said their husbands wouldn't "allow" them to BF as their boobs are theirs, I must admit I think WTF

I think I am weird as I love seeing the milk come out, think it was funny on Saturday as I had a letdown whilst getting changed in the pool and the baby wasn't even with me at the time.

[Blush] times 10.

Well....in the first trimester I swung from total disinterest (of the eff off and leave me alone variety) to energetically hopping on dh and er, performing acts on his person. (Amused and bewildered dh emoticon) Second trimester, any kind of touching to boobs or belly explosive (in a good way)

Have had a stitch in since 12 weeks, so although sex is not contraindicated it's not that comfortable. So it may just be that it's nothing to do with pg but just the illicit thrill of what I believe used to be called heavy petting.

(Keels over with effort of editing post so it doesn't sound like bad Jackie Collins)

at heavy petting.

that had me laughing out loud lizzytee

. I was all over dh during my pregnancy with dd. I just felt so sexy and up for it all the time. The poor chap did look tired a lot .

It somehow feels a lot naughtier when you are a) 35+ and b) together for 15 years. Maybe it's the fact that I grew up in Ireland and went to a convent school

Swotty, I don't mean to hijack your post, just to illustrate that there are lots of different ways to view your body and sexuality and no single 'correct' way to feel about feeding your baby.perhaps what this thread shows is just how many different ways there are.

Swotty betty, I have been feeding almost forever( feels like it), as I said on the the other thread. I do not buy breastfeeding bras. I make them. I fit poppers onto the most gorgeous bras I can find ( for under a tenner lol) and attach elastic onto the top strap and attach it onto the side of the cup, hey presto cheap as chips drop cup bf bras. and believe me its really easy.

Didn;t bother DH - even when I was hooked up to the whirring old pump every evening - but I hated that - felt like a machine myself. Much prefer breast when not full of sticky milk shooting out all over the place but if you want to do it you should give it a good go and get all the good advice you can - lots on here. And if you want to stop don't feel guilty.

moondog, what a really interesting article, there's so much in there i wasn't aware of. thanks for posting

My Dh is from a non-breastfeeding family, he is also boob-obsessed. However he did not treat me or my breasts any differently, he loved the new size and firmness. I would feed in the night then pop back to him for some loving. Being a mum made me feel a whole new "womanlyness" Also my nips had a new found sensitivity,and still have-fantastic!

i have a friend who is just like you... and tbh i don't really understand it. for me, it was never an issue of whether i would or i wouldn't bf, and i can honestly say that the experience of two pregnancies, two births, and several months combined breastfeeding have really given me a newfound respect for my body. i am actually in awe of what the female body can do, and as a result i do feel a lot more sensual and a lot sexier. i have relaxed a lot in my sex life with dh and while there isn't as much as before it i definitely enjoy it a lot more

sure i had great boobs before and now i don't- but there's a lot more to a good body image and self confidence is the first thing.

it sounds to me like you are slightly insecure in your relationship with your dh and you feel like he is expecting you to be back to full on sex kitten within days of giving birth- he may not, and even if he does, if you don't feel ready, you should be able to have a discussion about it openly without feeling that you are shortchanging him!

tbh i personally find it hard to be very interested in sex the frist months after having a baby, i am sure bfeeding plays a part, but so does extreme tiredness, stitches, baby blues etc.

why dont you try and educate yourself together with your dh, go to a seminar together for example, or get a bf counsellor to have a chat beforehand to see how you feel about it as a couple?

hello all. lots of responses. lizzytree i was horny as hell when preg last time. crazy. i could write soem quite crude things about passing me days when i started mat leave but i will resist. apologies for not joining you in the hormonal posts of horny shame...

and ty twinkley for the tip... cant see blue peter demonstrating that too soon.

pinktulips and georgiemama - no misreading of the textbooks here. i understand its poss to have sex while BFing i just cannot imagine me wanting to do it. the moment i got my first leak about six weeks ago (am 22 wks at mo) i thought, ok thats sex off the cards. i dont think that makes me that strange. i understand that for people who BF for longer than 6 weeks then sex is going to become part of your life again. But for those whose aims are there or thereabouts, to say that they may put sex on hold for a few weeks to achieve a goal is a dif matter. i hope i'm making sense.

Anyhoos my misgivings arent about the way i anticipate i will feel about my boobs and sex during BF. (DH will be around for most of summer, we have moved into a lovely flat with an enormous secluded garden and i have fantasies about spending the summer feeding DC2. Stopping only for some barbequed meat and to chase dd about. ramble ramble ramble...!) My problem is more about afterwards - like i said if i could do it all and then reemerge the same woman, i would not hesitate.

rocksinsocks - do not worry about lack of sympathy. i was not asking for sympathy . i just wanted to know the degree to which other people felt there was a conflict between feeling sexy about their bodies and BFing. I also wanted to know how those who felt that conflict keenly resolved it - whether the rewards of BFing made it all worthwhile, whether they came to terms with their new body regardless etc etc. i appreciate your honesty.

I must however shout out loud that i have the world's most wonderful husband. his mum and sil may be pro-FF, but with him it is more like he really hasnt ever seen a woman BF. really. one person maybe. he would support me unconditionally whatever i did. he brought me tea and biscuits while i tried to feed dd last time. he got me a can of coke the first time i managed what felt like a proper feeding session and i was zapped and v thirsty. and he has not breast jealousy. he does know that as long as i feel unsexy i will not have sex. like i said, if i led the way confidently and without a moments hesitation, then he would follow in a instant.

greatsweet - lol mine were desrcibed as textbook once upon a... thank you for your response - i found it helpful because you articulated one of the rewards you got from BFing in a way that i could understand. another first time mum on my AN thread here was nervous about BFing before our babies were born. she posted to say how proud she was at his weight gain when he was maybe three or four months old saying that she and her milk had done that. i found that a tangible thing to latch (geddit?) onto.

it is difficult reading all these responses tho cause i still feel like the weirdo here. and i truly dont believe my feelings are so outside the range of normal feeling as to (sorry pinktulips!) warrant a counsellor or be "unhealthy"

i cannot remember who posted the link, but many thanks for the 101 reasons to BF article. it made me feel motivated.

oh jeeeez. long post. i do have this in proportion BTW - it is just helpful and interesting to write it down.

But you can't re-emerge the same woman from any experience. Life changes you regardless.

I think that is what we were trying to say.

Hmm,been thinking about this more-I too have big breasts (30G at the mo,30 E pre-preg) and it did make me a bit shyer about bf in public,there seemed so much more to reveal than my neat bosomed friends.I also do feel conflicted about my body generally post natally as I still have baby weight to lose,but not really about my breasts,as the whole experience of bf has been so positive.I do however think that my dh's attitude has really helped.He has been very supportive of my bf for a long time and he has always said that he finds my changed body as sexy as my nice 23" waist pre-preg one.Maybe if he had been less keen on it all I would have felt less confident,I don't know.

I agree georgimama, motherhood changes you forever, I believe it is the most dramatic thing you can ever do in that forever more you are now a mother, you put yourself second and someone else first, even probably once your DC are adults albeit to a lesser extent.

However, it is a change for the better, I certainly believe that having DC has been the best thing I have ever done (not to say that some days I question my sanity).

There are days I don't particularly enjoy BFing, the why is it always me? thing. DD3 is asleep right now but I know that if she wakes DP won't be able to settle her it will be me and my boobs that are needed. We joke that if I could lob them upstairs after DP I would.

swotty - getting all personal can't you just bypass your boobs when you have sex? If we get the erm time I'll put on something nice I find taking off my feeding bra and putting on something adult just for having sex helps disassociate the feeding/sex thing. Also DP not being a boob man just stays clear of my boobs, there are other things to keep him occupied IYSWIM.

What an interesting thread.
Like others have said, thank you Op for posting this.
I have f**king ace boobs. I did pre pg and I still do.
I love boobs, generally. Dh and I both talk about boobs , look at boobs. Talk about kelly Brook and Lucy Pinder. We both think breasts are beautiful. I like the link- of what breasts REALLY look like.
I love my bust. Not as pert now, but hey ho. They are big and lovely. And my dh is in awe of them as much now as he was when we met.
I am very comfortable and have accepted my body. I even like my cs scars and my "gel bel" - mind you I never had a flat tummy.

I agree with others. I think this relates to how you feel about your body, rather than bf specificially.
Hope you can reslove that.

I think I can relate to what you're saying partly op.
I bf DD for 16months and I did feel odd about DH touching them mainly because of worries about leaking. Even after stopping for a good few months now I am still not keen and it did used to be something I enjoyed. That said we can still have a fulfilling sex life just focusing on other stuff
I was quite sad about how my boobs looked right after stopping- they seemed rather deflated but that may have been all the weight I lost. They now seem to have recovered and I feel more confident again.
I think for me any conflict is resolved because I just believe in breastfeeding so much as the most natural and best thing to do and I look at it long term and think its such a short time whereas I hope DH and I have the rest of our lives.
I think that having stopped at 6 weeks last time you just had the worst part leaking, soreness etc and perhaps you imagine it will be like that the whole time whereas actually a lot of the hard stuff goes away and leaves you just with the much nicer bits!

Swotty, I am beginning to wonder if I have any shame left. but also wanted to be honest, partly because you have been, and partly because the only time I have had a discussion like this IRL we were all trolleyed, which makes me suspect that many many women find this a difficult and sensitive subject. It occurs to me that while every other pg magazine seems to have a 'sex with a bump' feature, I can't recall much on sexuality and breastfeeding - the notable exception being a book called Fresh Milk.

Put another way, it is not easy to make sense of your feelings on this when there seem to be very few contexts in which to discuss these things honestly.

You write some lovely things about your DH and perhaps you could discuss ways in which he might support you - perhaps not by feeding but by caring for dc1, helping run the house, bathing or changing baby to give you some space to focus on feeding the new baby. (My FF MIL definitely needed this steer. In her view feeding dd EBM was the most helpful thing she could do. It ignored the fact that it was me who expressed the milk, sterilised and washed things before and after. Really not her fault, just a product of her own experience)

There is a useful booklet aimed at fathers: can't post the link but google fathers and brestfeeding and you should be able to find it.

Despite my raffish side I would second what others have said re what bf gives back. My otherwise strong body could not carry my dd to term. I'm no longer skinny and nowhere near as pert as I was and getting bigger by the day with dc2 (am 28 weeks).I put off having children because I was so afraid of losing my independence. But I did feed my daughter and although it was fraught at times it still means a huge amount to me.

swottybetty - i agree with the others who have said you are brave to post

you said that you wont have sex with your Dh when you're not feeling sexy? do you think it could be the other way around - that you are not feeling sexy because you're not having sex? i find the more i do it the more often i feel like it. We have three small children and I've been pg or bf for the last 5 years, so if i waited until i felt like it, it woudl be....oh about when the youngest leaves home

couldn't you just try and see if your Dh coudl ..ahem...get you in the mood? Rather than trying to feel sexy befroehand

you seem to have it in your mind that Bf is just a thing to do for a few weeks so you will just stop having sex. if you changed your thinking about it being a short term thing to just a nromal part of life with a baby/toddler, do you think that woudl help?

or is it that a sexy woman and a pg/bf woman cant possibly be one and the same? you have to be either/or

sorry i am trying to understand....

MrsPickles - great link - thankyou!