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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Help - I'm spending xmas with the 10 mins each side every 4 hours fascists.

77 replies

paddypoopants · 15/12/2008 19:21

So here's the thing I'm going to my in laws for Christmas and I'm not sure how I am going to deal with feeding my 4 month old son. He is exclusively breastfed, born on the 25th centile weight wise and has followed this line ever since. However my mil thinks that demand feeding is making him fat. She did the 10 mins each side every 4 hours and so that is gospel as far as she is concerened. She has spent 3 months telling me he doesn't need fed, if I am on the phone to her and I'm feeding she tells me he is "well enough covered" and doesn't need any more. She has physically grabbed my boob and pulled it out of his mouth one Saturday evening as he was feeding a lot ( she had had a glass of wine during Strictly Come Dancing but I don't think that excuses her). The last time we visited them overnight both mil and fil kept carrying him off when he was crying to stop me feeding and I ended up hiding in the bedroom so they wouldn't know when I was. My mil follows me when I am changing him and pokes him and says how chubby he is. It is totally depressing. My husband eventually phoned them and told them very nicely that my ds wasn't fat and they were to butt out. This resulted in my mil phoning me to tell me that I was oversensitive and that her and her next door neighbour had diagnosed me with pnd.
I thought they had stopped this nonsense but this weekend I said the hv had told me that I should maybe wean him after 5 months if his weight plateaued as he is extremely active. My mil then told me that it would be a good thing if he didn't put on anymore weight and I shouldn't wean him as he would get fat.
How the f* am I going to get through 3 days of this at xmas. Should I just feed him in the loo rather than be tutted at - the last time my fil even started timing between feeds.I have showed them a book on demand feeding and even showed him his weight chart but it has made no difference. It is really making me q anxious about his first xmas.My dh doesn't really understand how much they get to me he just tells me to ignore them like he does but it's hard to.
Advice please -I want to avoid causing a scene as there will be other people there.

OP posts:

rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 15/12/2008 19:26

they sound quite mad

if my MIL grabbed my boob you could be sure i wouldn't be going back to visit anytime soon

your DH NEEDS to speak to them beofre and warn them if they mentiong anything about this you will LEAVE

good luck!

thenewme · 15/12/2008 19:27

I wouldn't go.

She is unbelievable.

constancereader · 15/12/2008 19:30

make it clear right from the outset. Just say "No more comments about my feeding methods please, ds is thriving and you won't change my mind." Then change the subject cheerfully.

Agree they sound quite mad.

tinierclanger · 15/12/2008 19:35

Jesus, they sound awful! I concur with constancereader, I think you have to be VERY FIRM and assertive.

AnybodyHoHoHomeMcFly · 15/12/2008 19:35

Sorry to not have advice but bloody hell what a nightmare - they sound completely bonkers!

2pt4WiseMen · 15/12/2008 19:37

I guess you dont want to cause a row by sayng you are not going after all at this short notice.
Best thing in that case is to be prepared and just stick to your prepared phrases and DO NOT BUDGE and try try try to not let it get to you.

Depending on what you think will work best with them you could try -

Joking them out of it? EVERY time they say something about you BFing say 'OOh thats a tenner you owe me DH - MIL I knew you would say that ha ha' and repeat every time until they start getting embarrased that they are so prediuctable/repetitive?

Or if that wouldnt work maybe the firm approach?
Every time they say something say a prepared sentance like 'I am happy feeding on demand and the professionals agree that DS is the perfect weight thank you' and then just keep saying it?
If she comments on how chubby DS is just again say briefly and calmly 'He is exatly the right weight according to the medical experts and me, any smaller and he'd be underweight. Good job I'm feeding on demand, its working really well'

Say all of it with a big smile even if you dont feel like smiling and dont let them see its getting to you!
If you keep it up then they WILL stop!

JacksFirstChristmasMama · 15/12/2008 19:37

Slap her hand if she grabs your boob again. What nutters!
I think what constancereader said is good.

ChrismumMiaow · 15/12/2008 19:38

I seriously wouldn't go. At that age, DS still fed every 1-3 hours, day and night, and needed it! (he followed his 75th centile line)

You need to tell them that they cannot touch you or your baby while you are feeding, and that both you and your HV are happy with the weight, and that you will not be depriving your little one of milk. You could also point out that while scheduled feeding worked for her, it was, and still can be responsible for the failure of breastfeeding in a lot of women!

Oh, and at 5 months my DS looked like a little chubber! He started crawling and 8 months and at 11 months he is getting to look tall and skinny! He was just saving it all up for his growth spurt / activity. AFAIK that's what they do!

Original poster

paddypoopants · 15/12/2008 19:38

I have said that to them before but to no avail but it has occurred to me now if I said that in front of the other relations they wouldn't dare mention it again ( well not until after xmas).

OP posts:

elportodelgato · 15/12/2008 19:39

what horrendous and insane ILs you have!
if you do really have to go (do you? can you get out of it?)be as assertive as possible and FGS don't let the madwoman grab your boob again!!

Original poster

paddypoopants · 15/12/2008 19:41

Sorry - I meant that last post in reply to what constancereader said. However, it is really really reassuring that other people think their mad as well - sometimes I lose sight of that.

OP posts:

StarlightWonderStarlightBright · 15/12/2008 19:46

I'd be more concerned about your HV tbh. It is her JOB to give you decent advice and

'wean him after 5 months if his weight plateaued as he is extremely active.'

is as stupid as your quite mad ILs.

What is there that is as filling and as high in calories as milk?

biskybat · 15/12/2008 19:47

I would tell them to F**k off but then I am confrontational and at the end of the day if they are interfering with yr small baby's needs then you have to tell them to back off.

Not sure I am impressed with your HV's advice though...if his weight is of concern at all, milk has more cals than mushed up fruit/veg/babyrice etc.

Babies are meant to have a bit of coverage on them, I have a baby was on the 25th at that age and she was definitely not fat!!

Cathpot · 15/12/2008 19:47

Sound like a friend of mine whose MIL seriously accused her of slipping her 5 month old bf baby, 'growth hormone'. I agree with the others, firmness, cheery-ness and a sharp slap if anyone goes for your boob, or possibly,a low growling noise and lip twitch.

And, honestly, your husband needs to ring them and lay down the ground rules before you go. Explain that they are wrong, explain that whether or not they believe they are wrong, the way they are behaving is seriously putting you off visiting. He needs to be clear that HE is cross with them about it and doesnt expect to hear it mentioned over xmas. It is much harder for them to sideline your opinions if your Dh is onside. You might need to express to him again how unhappy you are about it.

TheVirginGoober · 15/12/2008 19:48

Go.
Act normally.
If anything untoward is said tell them to fuck off.

belgo · 15/12/2008 19:49

I also wouldn't go. And if you really have to, do you have a sling? Keep him in that so you can feed him when he needs it.

Original poster

paddypoopants · 15/12/2008 19:52

His weight is not of any concern at all - and I think all the hv meant was that I could supplement the bf with a bit of something else if I wanted although she was not pushing it.

OP posts:

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 15/12/2008 19:56

Just tell her that you had heard something about feeding that way in "the dark ages" but now we have discovered modern science and are much more knowledgeable about these things

A low growling sound would be good too

aGalChangedHerName · 15/12/2008 19:58

My DH would be made to phone his family and tell em all that if they as much as mention BFing at all then you will all be coming home.

Bunch of horrible people. They can think what they like but to say it is rude and ignorant.

You know you are doing everything right don't you? So get DH to do his job and stick up for you and get them to butt out!!!

FrannyandZooey · 15/12/2008 20:01

ABSOLUTE NUTTERS

don't go

if you must go, be completely firm right from the beginning

FrannyandZooey · 15/12/2008 20:02

what is dh doing while they are saying these things and pulling your baby off the breast ????

NappyXmas · 15/12/2008 20:04

Can't believe they can be so critical of you when you are clearly doing a fab job in giving their precious grandchild the best possible start.

Just tell them to butt out and demand feed as you see fit. As other posters have said, babies bulk up when they can, and it sees them through growth spurts and illnesses.

Have to agree with the poster who queries your HVs advice to wean at 5mths. Current advice is to wean at 26 wks or close as you can get to that - if you take care of yourself you may not need to wean your baby before 6mths, just because a baby is chubby and active doesn't mean they "need" solids any earlier.

Anyway, good luck with Xmas - sounds like you need a pair of ear plugs (to block them out), and just try to put your feet up, eat nice things, and feed your baby when you believe he wants/needs it - you know him best of all anyway.

MarlaCarolSinger · 15/12/2008 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

baltimore97 · 15/12/2008 20:27

Your MIL sounds exactly like mine. With both DDs, she got totally worked up about me over-feeding them - despite the fact that they are both on the 9th centile and obviously complete tiddlers! Also, my own mother, while understanding BFeeding on demand, has a thing about me forcing too many solids down them.

MIL was convinced that I was going to "traumatize" them by forcing boob on them every time they cried! She is plainly nuts and DH completely agrees and has supported me totally.

Having endured this kind of criticism myself, I would just ignore it. Do go, but every time she says something, just laugh it off, and remind yourself of the fact that you are right and she is bonkers. If you want to feed in the bedroom whilst reading a book, treat it as an opportunity to relax away from the Xmas craziness, and remember you will be home again shortly away from your nutty MIL.

baltimore97 · 15/12/2008 20:30

And when MIL got worked up over my frequent feeding of DD2, she also took her off me when she was crying from hunger, claiming that she was "just" tired. Knowing my own mind better this time around, I just grabbed her back and politely informed her that I would feed her now thank you very much. Have confidence in your own instincts as your DS's mother.

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