Help - I'm spending xmas with the 10 mins each side every 4 hours fascists.

[paddypoopants]

So here's the thing I'm going to my in laws for Christmas and I'm not sure how I am going to deal with feeding my 4 month old son. He is exclusively breastfed, born on the 25th centile weight wise and has followed this line ever since. However my mil thinks that demand feeding is making him fat. She did the 10 mins each side every 4 hours and so that is gospel as far as she is concerened. She has spent 3 months telling me he doesn't need fed, if I am on the phone to her and I'm feeding she tells me he is "well enough covered" and doesn't need any more. She has physically grabbed my boob and pulled it out of his mouth one Saturday evening as he was feeding a lot ( she had had a glass of wine during Strictly Come Dancing but I don't think that excuses her). The last time we visited them overnight both mil and fil kept carrying him off when he was crying to stop me feeding and I ended up hiding in the bedroom so they wouldn't know when I was. My mil follows me when I am changing him and pokes him and says how chubby he is. It is totally depressing. My husband eventually phoned them and told them very nicely that my ds wasn't fat and they were to butt out. This resulted in my mil phoning me to tell me that I was oversensitive and that her and her next door neighbour had diagnosed me with pnd.
I thought they had stopped this nonsense but this weekend I said the hv had told me that I should maybe wean him after 5 months if his weight plateaued as he is extremely active. My mil then told me that it would be a good thing if he didn't put on anymore weight and I shouldn't wean him as he would get fat.
How the f* am I going to get through 3 days of this at xmas. Should I just feed him in the loo rather than be tutted at - the last time my fil even started timing between feeds.I have showed them a book on demand feeding and even showed him his weight chart but it has made no difference. It is really making me q anxious about his first xmas.My dh doesn't really understand how much they get to me he just tells me to ignore them like he does but it's hard to.
Advice please -I want to avoid causing a scene as there will be other people there.

Jesus christ. Tell them to fuck the fuck off.

And I agree with baltimore97 - be proud and have confidence in yourself for doing such a brilliant job of feeding your son!

Baltimore97 - I am so glad it's not just me with mad relations it makes me feel so much better.

clLENTeeNIGHT - that's exactly what I want to tell them. Good thing I'm bfing so I can't get drunk and do just that.

What a disgrace. How dare they. Your DH needs to give them a firm piece of his mind. Do not let them treat you like this.

Tell you what, whenever they start eating or drinking, time them and after 5 minutes take off them whatever they are eating or drinking and throw it in the bin.
Make sure you time them between drinks/meals - if they attempt to drink or eat anything less than 4 hours after they last ate or drank take it off them and chuck - even if it is just a glass of water.
They should get the message.
What a pair of tossers. Anyone who dared remove my boob from my ds's mouth would have got a slap! How dare she???

Well yes, I know that realistically it's much harder to be so forthright, but am on your behalf.

Perhaps this Christmas you could follow your MIL around and yank the fork out of her hand every time she tries to take a bite of food, on the grounds that she weighs quite enough and really doesn't need to put on any more

My MIL did this, kept telling me that dd was getting fat and that I didn't want a fat child and couldn't I just give her a dummy to suck on. My dd was 95th p when born, followed 90th for about three months and then slipped slowly to 50th where she settled.

Then to top it off - once DD was weaned at 6th months ... she told me I was mean for not giving her chocolate and sweet puddings.

You are the mother, you know what you are doing.

In a few years this will be an episode that you can all laugh about.

I never fail to be amazed at how people think it's ok to do this.

I wouldnt go. What a looper. Get your husband to call and lay down the law before you step outside your front door. How dare they!

LOL BouncingTinsel!

A quiet but very firm word at the beginning of your visit telling you MIL this topic is off limits should put her back in her box. As will saying in an outraged fashion, "Leave my bosom alone!" if she lays her hands on you again.

Failing that get pissed and sit with your norks out for the whole duration and watch their reaction.

Ooooh, how infuriating.

You really shouldn't have to deal with DH's parents unarmed and unprotected! He needs to sort them out. At the first sign of ANY of that, he needs to stand up and say 'yes, we know what you think, we've thought about your advice, but this works for us, DS, and the midwives using more up to date advice. It is very very annoying and upsetting for you to interfere every time ppp feeds the baby, so for the sake of a hapy christmas, please do not mention it again".

If they mention it again he should say 'I thought we agreed not to keep on about it? It is not restful for us if you do, so if you mention it again we will go home so we can feed our baby in our way and enjoy christmas'

Third strike...go straight home!

I would get DH to talk to them before you go and make it clear that the subject is off limits.

She seriously pulled your boob out of a feeding babies mouth? I would have slapped her that hurts.

I would say the first time she says anything about you feeding "this is MY baby I will feed him how I chose, if you continue to make these ridiculous comments DH and I are leaving and we won't be back, now whats it to be, your choice?"

What Blu said.

I am in shock. That is assault you know. I am staggered.

I'd suggest this...

As soon as MIL begins to comment on his feeding or weight - Interrupt her very quickly and say in a firm but cheery voice, "Can I stop you there? I'm going to ask you NOT to comment on DS's feeding or his weight. I'm not going to discuss it at all. Thanks MIL, there's a dear. Pass the mince pies, please?"

Don't be drawn into explanations or justifications. If they ask why, use the broken record technique..."I don't want to discuss it. Thanks for understanding. Now, what's on TV?"

You don't want to discuss it. Repeat ad infinitum.

i'd say something like ''well it says a lot about your diet!''

i nearly bit myself when you said she pulled him off! it's a pain i'm sure all mothers can relate to but you don't expect someone else to cause ut!

this is horrible.

I would be inclined to have your DH warn them that any of that nonsense and you will be going home. Don't unpack your bags too much so you can make a quick exit if need be. You shouldn't have to put up with that at any time of the year, never mind christmas.

They are so rude.

And tell your HV that it is very common for exclusively breastfed babies' weight to plateau around that age and didn't she know that the weaning guidelines are 26 weeks?

They are insane.

Tbh, it doesn't sound like anything you say would make a difference to their bizarre beiiefs and behavior.

You need to either avoid them or tell them politely but firmly that they the subject is not up for discussion. Easier said then done, but I think you have to. Also, your dh has to intervene.

My MiL only once said something along these lines. I said, in a very outraged fashion 'how dare you? This is none of your business and if you care one iota for your grandchild you will apologise immediately or we will leave'.

She's not said anything since. Sudden anger from normally placid folks does seem to do the trick.

You are doing bloody brilliantly, don't let her or anyone else knock your confidence

OH MY GOD - Dont go. You poor thing, that is so rude and what the hell do they know anyway.

Unfortunatly things change so quickly when it comes to babies and feeding etc and the older generation cant keep up and think they know it all. I get this from my mum regarding weaning but I hung on until 6 months - She stills says 'she should have had it earlier' Uh no!

Well done you for breast feeding on demand I imagine it cant be easy so you defo dont need people like that making comments to try to stop you. You should feel proud of what you are doing for your lo xxx

I love MN - I am feeling so much better already. I showed my dh this thread last night and I think he was a little taken aback that I had actually posted it. They are mad all the time so I don't think he really realised how annoyed I was about the feeding issue - he just thought it was the latest in a lifetime of mental things his parents did. So he has agreed that at xmas he is going to be ultra vigilant and at the first ( and every) sign of the pil interfering he is going to say something to embarass them in front of the other rellys. He says if I do say anything before hand they will just be even more convinced that it is me that is mad - because they can't be wrong. Though I have to say his first preference was for me to tell them to "fuck the fuck off" as someone so eloquently put it.
So with him on side and armed with the knowledge that other mnetters think this is totally out of order xmas might just be funny rather than annoying. I will update the thread after xmas if they don't behave themselves.

you poor love, what a NIGHTMARE! the woman is mad as a box of frogs! How DARE she grab your boob, wine on board or not!

Are you a nice non-confrontational person? That won't help you in this situation. Find your inner lioness and point out that it is YOUR DS adn YOU have the responsibility of caring for him and feeding him as YOU see fit. IF they don't like it and make you feel uncomfortable about it, then say to them that you will have to leave and go home where you feel you can be comfortable with your child.(You will need to get your DH's agreement to this strategy beforehand).

This would be bad enough from your own parents, but your ILs are treating you like a child who knows nothing about how to bring up your own DS - make sure they see this is not the case. They are not the Founts of all Wisdom of baby rearing, NO ONE is (contrary to some "gurus'" beliefs!

Best of luck - you need to stand up to them and get your DH's support to do so.

I got depressed reading this. being a parent is hard enough without having to deal with people interfering.
how f*cking dare they.
I'd be tempted not to go, but that creates difficulties, and of course will just confirm in their crazy minds that you are, indeed, PND.
agree with baltimore - keep telling yourself they're mad as a bag of cats and try - if you possibly can - to rise above it.
If they encroach your space - by pulling at your boob (that's just outrageous) or taking DS out of the room, then you have to confront them. if you can face it, sit them down and tell them that their behaviour is upsetting you, you appreciate that they have their concerns, but you are DS's mother and you will raise him as you see fit. tell them that their behaviour amounts to bullying and you won't put up with it - if it continues you will leave and take DS with you.
take lots of deep breaths and don't let them undermine you. it clearly needs to be addressed because it's not going to go away on its own.
alternatively, spend the 3 days at home on the sofa with a family box of quality street on one hand and DS on the other!
I hope it all works out. it really is one of the most shocking things I've ever heard. poor you.

took too long to type that as usual - glad yor DH is on board PPP. looking forward to seeing how you cope.

Any unwanted 'touching' and I'd also accuse her of assult - preferrably in front of the in-laws...

Good luck

You sound like you have bonkers PIL and it's great that your DH is supporting you.

The only thing I can suggest is that anytime that they start talking about breastfeeding just smile sweetly and say something totally stupid like "did you know the rain in spain falls mainly on the plain". They will probably act all outraged and hurt but after the third time they should start to get the message. It's my grown-up version of sticking my fingers in my ears and going la la la la la.