Help - I'm spending xmas with the 10 mins each side every 4 hours fascists.

[paddypoopants]

So here's the thing I'm going to my in laws for Christmas and I'm not sure how I am going to deal with feeding my 4 month old son. He is exclusively breastfed, born on the 25th centile weight wise and has followed this line ever since. However my mil thinks that demand feeding is making him fat. She did the 10 mins each side every 4 hours and so that is gospel as far as she is concerened. She has spent 3 months telling me he doesn't need fed, if I am on the phone to her and I'm feeding she tells me he is "well enough covered" and doesn't need any more. She has physically grabbed my boob and pulled it out of his mouth one Saturday evening as he was feeding a lot ( she had had a glass of wine during Strictly Come Dancing but I don't think that excuses her). The last time we visited them overnight both mil and fil kept carrying him off when he was crying to stop me feeding and I ended up hiding in the bedroom so they wouldn't know when I was. My mil follows me when I am changing him and pokes him and says how chubby he is. It is totally depressing. My husband eventually phoned them and told them very nicely that my ds wasn't fat and they were to butt out. This resulted in my mil phoning me to tell me that I was oversensitive and that her and her next door neighbour had diagnosed me with pnd.
I thought they had stopped this nonsense but this weekend I said the hv had told me that I should maybe wean him after 5 months if his weight plateaued as he is extremely active. My mil then told me that it would be a good thing if he didn't put on anymore weight and I shouldn't wean him as he would get fat.
How the f* am I going to get through 3 days of this at xmas. Should I just feed him in the loo rather than be tutted at - the last time my fil even started timing between feeds.I have showed them a book on demand feeding and even showed him his weight chart but it has made no difference. It is really making me q anxious about his first xmas.My dh doesn't really understand how much they get to me he just tells me to ignore them like he does but it's hard to.
Advice please -I want to avoid causing a scene as there will be other people there.

Glad your dh is supporting you. Obviously you want to have a nice family Christmas and not a big row/split.

I would do just what cathpot said:
"your husband needs to ring them and lay down the ground rules before you go. Explain that they are wrong, explain that whether or not they believe they are wrong, the way they are behaving is seriously putting you off visiting. He needs to be clear that HE is cross with them about it and doesnt expect to hear it mentioned over xmas. It is much harder for them to sideline your opinions if your Dh is onside."

Then follow this up with what vlc said:
"As soon as MIL begins to comment on his feeding or weight - Interrupt her very quickly and say in a firm but cheery voice, "Can I stop you there? I'm going to ask you NOT to comment on DS's feeding or his weight. I'm not going to discuss it at all. Thanks MIL, there's a dear. Pass the mince pies, please?" Don't be drawn into explanations or justifications. If they ask why, use the broken record technique..."I don't want to discuss it. Thanks for understanding. Now, what's on TV?"

DH needs to repeat his objection too to back you up.
Then change the subject to Strictly Come Dancing.

If they escalate the situation, get dh to give them one calm warning that you will all go home unless they stop.
If they continue, then pack up and leave.

They need to get a grip on reality.
How you bf your baby is your own business. Clearly you are both thriving.
I bet you don't comment on their weight?

Oh that would be fantastic, next time your MIL comments on your DC size poke her in the backside, smile and joke about kettle and pot.

Im glad you have dh on your side now. That can sometimes be the biggest battle when the inlaws are concerned!

I think the 3 strikes and your out is a great idea - Plenty of time to get the message across and enough warnings.

I hope they are ok though and that you enjoy your Christmas x

Don't know if an OP has ever shocked me as much as this!

Got nothing more to suggest just wanted to post in support, you poor woman! Totally crazy ILs. Get DH to ring them before you go and tell them not to talk about it again.

I can't believe she grabbed your boob!!! That's outrageous!

I have a 3-day weekend with the inlaws (the whole crew of them including SIL - bleh) this weekend and when they are pissing me off I shall thank my lucky stars they aren't physically assaulting me!

Seriously though - your DH needs to be your armour against such insanity. I love the idea of taking MIL's food away from her if it's less than 4 hours since she ate anything, priceless

Glad your DH is on side and please do come back and update us! (Not that I'm a nosy old hen, or anything )

cause a scene and tell her to fuck off

I wouldn't go. My Mum is a bit like this (formula fed me and my sister and totally doesn't understand BF) and I have had to be very firm with her from the word go with DD2 (3 weeks today). You really don't need the stress - for one thing these people's behaviour will probably affect the amount of milk your DS gets just by winding you up and affecting your let-down. I know they will probably be 'offended' (ooh diddums) but I think your wellbeing and that of your son are more important. They're grown ups and should behave like it!

Why not get you and your DH to play "Mad In-Laws Bingo"? You could make up cards and see who can get a line or a full house for horrid behaviour like mentioning chubby babies, clucking over feeding again, or any mention of your mental state. Place the cards prominantly on display and mark them off loudly and with glee.

That ^ is genius

Love the inlaws bingo idea. Don't have any better advice than you already had here but wanted to wish you luck.
My dd was on the 90th centile at 6 months and is now on abut the 25th (at 2,6) i'm still bfing her. "You can't overfeed a breastfed baby" might be a good mantra to repeat to your crazy MIL.

My MIL is always commenting on DS's "double chin", "chubby legs", and going on about, generally, how "unpleasant" fat babies are. He is just about exactly on the 50th % for weight AND height.

She thinks because I am BFing we can't judge how much is going in and therefore can't limit milk when "necessary".

So, I feel your pain!

I can truly sympathize with you.

We had a similar thing a while ago. EVERY time we would see the IL's my MIL would go on about my DD having colic (she didnt!) When DD cried for any reason ie hungry, nappy, tired.. It was because she was in "so much pain". She would say this around anyone and it made me feel like they all thought I was a bad parent. DH picked up on it too and it begun to wind him up too until eventually he snapped at her, saying hes wasn't in pain and that we Do know what we are doing and can she stop saying that.

There was plenty of tears but once things calmed down she realised that she did say it ALL the time and that she was just saying it more out of habit.

Things are fine now and its never been mentioned since.

I agree with the others to get DH to pre-warn his parents to shut up or else!

Is your MIL at all slightly overweight? I really hope so.

If she is then whenever she eats anything I would have a long drawn out sigh and make comments along the lines of "eating that isn't going to help your figure you know and you really are quite fat". Continue this non-stop the whole time you're there. Lots of tutting and head shakng whenever she eats. "Do you know hoe many calories are in that?"

It seems to be a generational thing to be terrified of fat babies and anti bf. My mother was the same, though she did thank god resist removing my breast from dd's mouth (I am sure there were times she wanted to!). You absolutely must lay down the law- no mrs nice ppp! This is your child, your way.

Hathor's advice is excellent. Tell them firmly that you donh't want or need their advice, and change the subject. They will look mad, not you, if they can't find anything else to talk about. Don't lose your nerve- we are all rooting for you!

I have the same problem (though not nearly as bad!). We are going to MIL for xmas and she called dh the other day to say 'your wife doesn't realise that not everyone is as comfortable as she is with breast feeding in public'. now I don't know what to do

I really feel for you.

My MIL jammed her finger full of potato and gravy in my 4 months old mouth just as SIL was asking when I might start solids....just as I was saying in a couple of months time, she did it twice and I had to pull her finger out of my babies mouth and clean the crap out of her mouth!!! and !I stayed calm but it is so hard when MIL get an idea into their heads that you are wrong.

Its so hard to act on advise but I agree with others, just tell them to stop, they way you choose to feed is none of their business and tell them that (if you dare) take some books that advocate demand feeding.........and to be honest if they persist I'd warn them that you are being made to feel unwelcome and harrassed by them and offer to leave early unless the harrassment stops.

Hope it goes ok

Best of luck, paddy. I have loads of sympathy for you as I had a Christmas two years ago when my DD was three months old which was punctuated by comments about

a) how often I was feeding her (er, when she asks, dingbats)

b) how come I was feeding her so often (er, her stomach is tiny and she gets hungry and I'm not here to refuse a hungry child what she needs)

c) why I wasn't winding her (because she's not windy, maybe?)

d) why I didn't put her in a bouncy chair/the moses basket/a bed/on the sofa/on the floor/etc and get on with enjoying myself (er, because I like holding her because she is my daughter and I love her and she likes it too)

e) whether she could have a bit of roast potato (no, because she's a baby YOU LOONS and she likes MILK)

f) why didn't I try a bottle (because breastfeeding was working out just fine and I didn't see the need)

Really, just stay as calm as you can, prime DH to step in on your behalf when needed, if anyone asks you something stupid just say 'well, I'm doing this my way and I don't want to argue so shall we just agree to differ?', and pretend you need to see to your son's nappy about twice as often as you really need to so you can go off and have a snuggle with him in peace and quiet in a bedroom or something.

Best of luck.

And I love the idea of in-law bingo. I might start that myself (the issue of the day in these parts is why exceptionally clingy DD hasn't been to stay the night with them yet).

Of course we will never ever be mad mothers-in-law. Oh no. We are enlightened.

nicewarmslippers "If they're not comfortable they can always not look, I'm not comfortable with the way [insert name of offended person here] eats, but I just have to look away".

I like the idea of a running commentary on MIL's food. Make a rather loud note of every little nibble or sip of drink feeding back the same lines she uses!

And don't forget we need to know how it goes!

NWS - as a compromise you could always ask to use a bedroom/ the other room just while you feed your LO - I have to do this at my Dad's house because he is pretty uncomfortable with me bf'ing where he can see me (so am I in all fairness! ).

My mum didn't bf me beyond 3 days and I don't think she managed it at all with my bro and sis (twins), so it's not something he was ever really exposed to.

I don't mind - if it keeps him happy, it makes me happier to do it for him.

Just my experience.

What nutters!

I also hate to say it, but if your baby picks up any type of winter tummy bug (let's face it, that's not unreasonable) any baby chubbiness will see them through.

I loved my BF son's lovely chubby tummy.

A further somewhat tasteless suggestion. How about feeding DH Little Britain style at the same time!! That would shock them!