If you were definitely going to breastfeed when pregnant and didn't (or didn't for very long) once your baby was born

[hunkermunker]

Is there anything that could've been said or done to help you to breastfeed for longer?

I thought very, very hard about BF before I became pg (took three years y'see) no-one in my family has done it for two generations. They think if if not disgusting, distastful and unnecessary.

I did lots of research (convince I couldn't do it, I expect). I was prepared for every problem except the one I got. I had a 1hr45min labour which ended in venthouse and a lot of blood loss. I came home the next day in total shock. DS was jaundiced and sleepy and lost a lb over the next two weeks.

Things that could have helped:

Being attended post-natally by one midwife who knew what she was doing, rather than five who didn't.

Not being told to leave my sleepy/jaundiced baby in front of sunny DOUBLE GALZED windows.

Not being told that I should NOT wake him until he had gone more than FOUR hours, because 'three hourly feeds for a such sleepy, tiny baby was too tiring'.

Not being told that I couldn't put enough calories into my milk because I was aneamic (She said knew this because he was never dehydrated, so was obviously getting enough fluid. Just low cal fluid!) and I should top up with formula and not the EBM I had worked so hard to express (she expected me to express to up supply, but throw that milk away!)

It would have been nice if the HPC's I saw knew that there was an excellent drop-in clinic at the hospital and me not having to spend and hour on the internet before I found it.

Then I would have been nice if the clinic had been open at half-term.

Not being told by the NCT councillor I called that it was okay that my baby was not pooing because it was normal for breastfed babies to go a few days without pooing. Even when I kept saying, "are you sure, because he's under six weeks and everything I've read said that's not normal."

Not being left completely to my own devices as soon as he had finally regained his birth weight at four weeks. After spending a month having my confidence compltely shattered at every oppurtunity I was suddenly all alone and, TBH, couldn't cope.

The death knell was when I took him for his 6 week check and the doctor looked at him and asked 'So how premature was he?', when he was actually 2 weeks overdue.

He really praised me for still feeding after all the problems I'd had, but I went straight home that afternoon and said I couldn't do it anymore.

It never hurt, I never had sore nipples, I was doing okay with the sleep deprevation, I didn't mind sitting down all day long feeding and feeding and feeding (DP left me a packed lunch and flask of tea in the fridge every day, bless him.) At the end of the day it was lack of confidence that got me.

Well,I didn't stop,I have been feeding for an age now,nearly four years with a four week gap in there,but I think I might have given up if I hadn't had the help of a breastfeeding advisor,firstly the one in hospital (UCH)who was young and new to the post but completely brilliant,and then the one I paid for when I was having real problems at home.The two phone sessions I have had with la leche league people have been great too.Especially when dd2 went on nursing strike at 7m and my gp said that maybe she just wanted to stop feeding (baby not even on any solids bar the odd lick at that point).So three cheers for the women who helped me.

DS1 I was all geared up for BF - been to the class, got the pump etc but he had probs latching on and i had an infection requiring strong antibiotics so we gave up at day 5. with hindsight he probably had a headache from the skull fracture caused at birth but only picked up when he was 3 weeks old.

DS2 I secretly wanted to BF but family thought it would be "too much and bottles would let them feed baby too". DS2 wouldnt feed in hospital and had to go to SCBU where they tried to FF him but he just vomited it back up. once back with me i just had skin to skin contact and he fed (day 2). persevered and had fab advice from MW about nipple shields to help bring out flat nipples. Now he is exclusively BF 3months on

I wish DS1's head injury was found earlier but his birth was so traumatic that tbh am just glad we are both here

Support.

More support - and I don't mean of the scaffolding bra kind.

An NCT BFC who would come and see me the weekend after I left hospital (I did tell her it was OK not to; I'd had a baby 2 days earlier and didn't know what year it was so not completely her fault).

Someone - midwife, health visitor, someone - who knew me well enough and knew enough about BF to say "Hang on in there" when my nipples were shredded after 5 days.

Someone who knew enough to tell me what to do about feeding my jaundiced, sleepy daughter.

Someone who knew something about the sheer lunacy of trying to express every feed for the first 6 weeks.

Someone who could help me handle the guilt that I hadn't got it right.

For general information, DD is nearly 2 and shows no obvious signs of psychological trauma or poisoning from being bottle fed from an early age; my trauma and disappointment is clearly less because I'm not crying as I write this. It's about time the fluffy denialist BF supporters accepted that not everyone can BF easily and many need support to BF successfully. Because I was never told that was the case.

My answer is that I really don't know if anything could have been said or done, but I do know that I gave up at the point when I thought nothing could.

Very similar story to most of these. Spent five weeks sobbing with the pain, with a desperately hungry baby who was possetting as much blood as milk. Went to various places for support, which ranged from midwives, bf counsellors and health visitors who tried to be helpful but didn't manage to fix the problem, to a well-meaning but hopeless peer counsellor who shared her own positive bf experience but couldn't help me with my nightmarish one, to a hospital support group at which I was told it was all my fault. I found the latter particularly traumatic, and moved to expressing and mix feeding the next day. Had someone had been able to help and stop the pain and bleeding, then I would have carried on, but my experience suggested no one could.

In retrospect am glad I gave up when I did - I look at photos of DS now at age 4 weeks and he looks gaunt and ill. Found the whole experience so hideous that I've scarcely tried with either DD1 or DD2 once the pain started (pretty quickly in both cases - i.e. bleeding nipples within a couple of hours of birth) for fear of ending up in the same position. The feelings of guilt and failure have been absolutely overwhelming at times, plus the occasional bit of frustration at the complacent tone of some of the advice available (NHS leaflets showing how to breastfeed with a baby's mouth gaping wide wide open approaching the breast - not something any of my children ever did!). However, ultimately I can't know if someone could have done or said something that would have improved things.

I think more support.

I wanted to BF DS. I had pethedine close to him being born which I was told about a year later that it could have caused him to be over tired and not feed.

My MW broke her ankle a week before I had him and so I saw 6 different MW's in the 10 days they visit. All with different advice. In the end it was so depressing that I couldn't get him to latch on and feed I had to FF him. Which despite no help from my HV she still has a go at me for not BF him, when all the help she gave me was "Keep trying"

Determined to BF this one.

yes. some RL support would have made the difference for us twice.

i mean, someone able to come out relatively soon and help get the baby latched properly more than once before my nipples became so bloody and bruised that every feed caused my anxiety levels to go into orbit.

someone to show you how to break the latch if it isn't good, calm a baby who is fractious so that he/she can go on the breast well, strategies for baby tactics like the headshaking baby or the arms in the road baby.

but first time round, i had no clue about support at all outside of hospital so gave up.

second time it only worked because NCT AND a baby who was incredibly easy to feed.

third time, bad latch. just couldn't get it right. NO support IRL. at all other than a few minutes with midwife and i was in a lot of pain so gave up. final scabs on nips just fell off after a week.

Yes - better support/information.

I had read up on things, attended a breastfeeding workshop, and consulted midwives/hv in the early weeks.

I was led to believe that DD's "snack" feeding ie 5mins on breast every hour or 2, rather than 40mins on breast every 3 hours, meant that something was wrong, and I "needed" to get her feeding for longer. I know realise that the fact that she never even lost her birthweight should have alerted me to the fact that this was bunkum.

I was also told that if breastfeeding hurt or was slightly uncomfortable in any way then something was wrong. Again, I know now from the experience of others that some discomfort in the early stages is not necessarily indicative of a problem, and normally eases after 6 weeks or so.

Anyway, the upshot is that after several midwives had told me that I was getting it wrong in 2 different ways, I decided that the best thing for all concerned would be to stop. Which is a bit sad, really.

And the cost of bloody formula, teats, and bottles nearly bankrupted me.

forgot to add, am for everyone who has some sadness/regrets about their breatfeeding experience.

expat ..what is arms in the road baby .. am fascinated (know stiff as a board baby, I'm about to phone childline if you offer me that thing again baby but not arms in the road baby)

Blimey....it's all so blinkin predictable, isn't it? It's heart-breaking. Hardly any of these stories presents insurmountable problems, but the same old, same old....applies

luckychelle - I am shocked that an NCT bfc told you no poo was normal in a new breastfed baby. If this was recent or even recent-ish, you must complain. It is very clear in an NCT bfc's training that this is not the case - we would not expect a bfc to be practising if she did not know this. We have had factsheets on this for several years now. Are you sure she was qualified, and NCT?

Blueydragon - you're right, it can't be the NCT bfc's fault she didn't visit you if you said it was ok not to. We are all volunteers. I rarely visit anyone at the weekend, or indeed any time that doesn't fit with my own work or my own family - if a mum tells me it's ok not to visit at a weekend, I don't argue with her What you're saying is that the community midwife (whose job it is to visit you, weekends as well!) should have been competent and knowledgeable and available.

The issues raised here will not be solved by more volunteer bfcs. 450,000 women begin bf in the UK every year. There are about 500, part-time, volunteer counsellors. Even if there were 50,000 of them, you'd stuggle to arrange a home visit for all of them. We need to train HCPs properly.

(Blueydragon - I know you were not having a go, but I am setting the record straight for lurkers and others )

ok,

I was determined to breast feed DD. When i was pregnant with DS, i had no inclination to breastfeed, i ended up with a traumatic c.section birth, horrific PND and he was bottle fed and i did not try to breastfeed. It was not suggested or enocouraged either.

When i was pregnant with DD and much more informed , i was determined to breastfeed, i bought feeding bras and breast pads and was definitely going to breast feed. Although I did by bottles and formula etc just in case.

When DD was born, she was delivered straight onto me for skin to skin, and when i was settled , mum asked me if i wanted to put her to the breast.i said no, i had no desire at all to put her to the breast, the midwife then asked what formula i wanted, and DH bottle fed her whilst i rested.

4 days later my milk came in , and i was desperate with the need to breastfeed her, the milk was literally pouring out of my breasts and i was full to bursting. I sat on my bed, baby in arms, with a book next to me, trying to work out how to get this enormous nipple/breast into this little baby, my breast looked bigger than her entire body and i though i might suffocate her.

DH was on the internet trying to find info on breastfeeding. In the end, i ended up giving her a bottle

the midwife came over for a routine visit and i asked her how to get her on the breast, her response was 'after 4 days on the bottle, she will be quite unsettled if you put her on the breast, but you can try'

no offer of watching me try to feed, no advice or indication of who to call for breastfeeding support...

so some positive and constructive advice even if it was to call the NCT or LLL or ABM or to send a different midwife would have helped.

anything would have been better than what i got.

it still rankles over 3 years later, especially now i am so much more informed about breastfeeding.

i used to have dreams of breastfeeding her, even feeling a let down in my sleep

I was 18, no-one showed me how to hold dd, how to latch, how to remove her from the nipple... in fact no-one even noticed I was feeding, at 10 days the HV wrote bottlefed on my notes

From being in the delivery ward - no actually from the day I got pg - not one person gave me one word of advice on bf or told me where I could get any words of advice.

Needless to say it did not go well

Such sad stories here...
Mine isn't!

I had to go away for a week for work. HV told me I had no choice but to give up BFing (dd2 5.5 months). I didn't want to and on advice of MNetters I expressed while I was away, but not much because I hadn't expressed for months and found it hard. Since I got back its been a real struggle, and I really don't think I have much milk. That, (plus DD2's new teeth ) means I am going to stop BFing next week, I think. I wish I had had better and clear advice about how to deal with being away for a week. HTH

I b/fed my DD for the first year and it was fantastic - she was a natural. £ yrs on pregnant with twin girls, was determined to do it again. Unfortunatly twin 1 had a serious heart defect at bith - Tranposition of the Great Vessels, so had to be transferred to Glenfield on pur first night, and Twin 2 was born flat and had to be resusucitated and was in special care at another hospital, i managed to breastfeed twin 2 ONCE on the night she was born - God only knows how i managed that i was in shock and twin 1 was undergoing her first surgery 2 hrs away!!?? Next morning i had to leave twin 2 and head off to see twin 1, i was determined that twin 2 HAD to have at least some of my milk, so i started pumping - managed to pump enought o feed them both through their tubes and on bottles for the first month - twin 2 (poorly one) had it solely, twin 2 had about 75%. Don't THINK there was any way i could have done any differant, but wasn't really offered any advice - did the pumping off my own back, which i am so glad i did as when we got twin 2 home it turned out she is cows milk intolerant and is now on nutramigen - so that would have really worsened her recovery. I had a 3 yr old at home, that i had to try and make time for too, so was constantly travelling and needed to KNOW how many oz's twin 2 was taking - had to pump every couple of hours to keep the supply up for twins, turned out there weren't enough hours in the day. I really do feel guilty as feel i have done better by DD1 than i have these 2???

Sorry for the me post, just needed to unload

Tiktok,

"Are you sure she was qualified, and NCT?"

I would hope so, she was answering the helpline.

I did complain about my midwife. The lady I eventually saw at the drop-in clinic was horrified and said she would deal (apparntly she does all the training in our region) with the NCT councillor I spoke to so I didn't take it further.

Tiktok, you're right, I'm not having a go. She could have suggested that I phone the midwife again, although I'd already seen two in the two days I'd been home and was desperate for someone to help in a different way.

I do think that shedding the "it's all easy and natural" message is important - a bit like the idea that you will be instantly overwhelmed with love for your baby, it's not true and makes those who don't experience easy feeding or instant bonding feel failures from the start. That makes it harder to deal with the problems. If I hadn't felt like a total failure as a mother by day 5 (felt no real bond, strung out tired, couldn't feed DD properly) maybe I'd have fought harder.

I take my hat off to everyone on here for their efforts.

Fledtoscotland, do we know each other? Any connection with Torquay?

Oh Lulumama.... for you.

I know the feeling of unrequited breast feeding. DS1 is now 11 yo, when he was born he weighed just 4 1/2 lbs but didn't need special care. he refused to feed - bottle or breast. I had never intended to bottle feed him but the madwives kept doing blood sugars and weighing him and eventually pursuaded me that he needed milk after he lost 10% of his body weight. My milk hadn't come through and I was knackered and I just let them feed him. I tried to breast feed him for weeks afterwards, I begged the midwives/HV's to help, they tried to help him latch but he just wouldn't. Years later he was diagnosed with a growth syndrome one indicator of which if failure to feed, breast feeding being particularly difficult but not impossible because of the arch of the palate. All I ever wanted was someone to sit with me and spend time with me to get it right. But to be honest it may not have helped in that situation.

DS2 was in SCBU at birth and I was like a woman possessed refusing to allow nasal tube or bottle feeding....despite being in SCBU for 4 days he went onto breast feed for 10 months. That was about perseverence and being forceful with some of the SCBU staff.

DS3 was breastfed for 10 months no problems...apart frmo the 2-hourly feeds for 12 weeks day and night - I still wince at the pain.

To be honest if there was more literature saying that it can take time to get BF right and it can be a bit sore instead of being told it is the most natural thing in the world that would help. trying to latch a baby and nipple blisters don't feel very natural.

Heard a very sad story the other day from a mum whose baby was in the SCBU and she was breastfeeding until day two when the SCBU nurses had a go at her and said because she wasn't making as much as they expected it was 'hardly worth her bothering' Needless to say she gave up and is really upset.

Message withdrawn

Was mixed feeding via expressing for DD1 by 2 weeks as nipples falling off. Eventually made it to 6 months tailing off by that point to one bf a day the rest formula. Was very upset at the time and feel VERY strongly that in a bid to persuade more women to bf midwives may fail to give a realistic picture.

At no point did anyone ever mention it might hurt, really really hurt and if it did what to (quickly) do about it, so I left it too late and got in a state. I feel that a rounded informed approach would have helped hugely. I felt at the time like I was the only woman who struggled and knowledge that women often get off to a shaky start first time, but that it gets better would have been very helpful.

Second baby was a completely different experience as I knew I needed help and went out and got it before and after the birth, bf for 12 months no problem.

I think at the very least we need a standard leaflet which includes common problems and solutions, useful internet sites (including this one), advice on skin to skin after birth and how to spot mastitis early on. I had my second child in a different county and we happen to have a very good bf counsellor here, it shouldnt be so hit and miss.

wow
good thread hunker, but some really sad stories
FWIW MN was invaluable to me, not only to get my own specific queries answered, but reading threads in general so i knew what was normal and what wasn't
I also had good MW support, and was lucky
Don't know whose post it was but the mastitis description brought tears to my eyes!

ouch and nipples falling off

I wanted to breastfeed DS1 but i was really ill after my labour and the nurses gave him a bottle while i was unconcious after that they faffed about with my medication for so long that by the time i had the all clear to breastfeed he would take it (this was when he was 1 week old) he just wouldn't have any of it.

DS2 i beast fed for 7 months but he started biting alot so i had to stop - plus i was in and out of hospital for so long with ds1 they were getting arsey about me taking ds2 in with me.