if you chose not to breastfeed, why?

[thisisyesterday]

a genuine question. I can't imagine not wanting to breastfeed, and am honestly interested to know why other people don't want to. and partly because I am going to train as a LLL leader and want insight into this kind of stuff

is there anything anyone could have said or done that may have changed your mind?

do you regret not doing it now?

do you/did you believe that breast is best, but formula is an adequate replacement?

I realise that there is a distinct possibility of this becoming heated, but I am not posting it just to get people upset or anything. would be nice if we could discuss nicely, no?

Aaahh, thank you thisisyesterday, its not often i can even make a vaguely valid point at this time on a friday!

Now I'm on a roll, here are other things I found helpful/unhelpful.

1. a MW and health visitor, neither of whom had children of their own, repeating the same old textbook advice over and over again, whilst randomly shoving baby's head onto my boob.

2. general smugness and self-righteousness of some bf mums who, despite what they may say, most definately looked down their noses at me when I ff. I felt bad enough already!

3. Really helpful was a book called something along the lines of...'what to expect when you are breast feeding, and what if you can't' Very honest, realistic and with reassuringly logical tips like don't tease baby's nose with breast to encourage them to open up wide- why would you they feed through their mouths! it helped me to keep going just that little bit longer.

4. a wonderful DH and friends who backed up my every decision because they said they knew i was making them for the best reasons

well of course I am very pro-breastfeeding, otherwise I wouldn't be becoming a LLL leader and breastfeeding counsellor!

so yes, I am going to be supportive of those woman who have said they want to give it a go next time. and yes I would challenge someone when talking about the health benefits.

but I think on the whole I haven't been preachy. I have asked genuine questions and I really do want to understand this more- because like I said, it isn't something I can naturally comprehend as I am so pro-bf, so I DO need to hear other people's takes on stuff so that I can understand it better

I went to an a/n bfeeding session before dd 1 was born (just over 5 yrs ago). I can't remember much about it. We had to write our name using the hand we didn't write with. We had to do it over and over - this equated to how b/feeding got easier the more we practiced.

I was a bit at the thread too, it seems to be saying "I am genuinely interested" but the subtext is more "How can I point out your misconceptions and persuade you otherwise".

I appreciate that this is probably unintentional but threads like this can become unhelpful very quickly. However well intentioned they may be.

well yes and no thisisyesterday... we did have some chat in our antenatal classes about bfing, mostly about how to hold the baby, and lots of leaflets but I think it's more important postnatally because everyone's different so it's really important to do a feed in front of a bfc so they can see what you're doing, correct you if you're doing something wrongly and answer any questions you may have. I think the bfc should come with the midwife when they come and visit you at home just after you've had your baby. I also think contact should be easier, I really had to hunt down contact numbers for my local breastfeeding groups and bf cafes, that information should be handed to you routinely with all the other stuff you get when you leave hospital with your newborn.

DD1 - fed for 4 days, no support, help etc etc etc - straight onto formula. An element of personal circumstances confirmed my choices - DH in Iraq, my mum died 2 weeks after DD1 born etc etc etc

DD2 - one feed, brought back the nightmare with DD1 and also the feelings mentioned earlier of why do for one you dont do for the other. Also DD1 was only 15mnths old - i didnt have hours to sit on the sofa feeding.

DS - 4 weeks. With the help of MN I might add. It all got a bit too much, PND kicked in, it was xmas eve, i needed to SLEEP and pass the boy over to someone else for a bit. DD1 and DD2 were also resenting the time I was spending with DS rather than playing with them.

I do not regret all my choices, I tried, I failed. My children are all perfectly healthy and happy, and for me although I agree Breast is Best, Formula is a more than acceptable alternative when it comes down to it. It is essential to the development of your baby should BFing not work.

Does anyone remember this thread

Loads of people told her that it was fine to ask why people choose to ff, but that it needs to be done tactfully.

That is what the OP is doing, asking tactfully but still declaring her own interests.

We are allowed to discuss things that get people hot under the collar, it's called freedom of speech.

I did give breastfeeding a go but latch ws never right and didnt know where to go for support, also and this is weird but whenever I did it I got this weird uncomfortable itchy feeling in my throat!

sexonlegs, that seems slightly bizarre lol. can see what they're trying to say, but can also think of some better uses of the time lol.

constancereader. yes, I am going to point out misconceptions, because I am well aware that other people may be reading this and I want any information on it to be correct.
I don't think I am trying to persuade people otherwise. there would be no point, them having already made their decisions

Ah, yes constance reader, you've put it better than me.

I don't really mean to have a go thisisyesterday and I'm sure that you did start this with good intentions, just a lot of these kind of threads go horribly wrong when people who probably know that they could have done things differently have that pointed out to them but are unable to change the choices that they have already made, perhaps not in the best of circumstances.

i couldnt stand the feel of it! my nipples are very sensative and i have always hated any touching them it makes me feel physically sick.

i did try breastfeeding with dd2 as dp asked me to but i couldnt stand it. i thought that it would be better bottle feeding than spending the first how ever many months of my daughters life dreading each feed time and wishing it over as soon as it started.

i dont think that anyone could have changed my mind unless they knew of someway to numb my nipples?

no, it';s ok I am not feeling got at. yet!

I am honestly tryting not to point out how things could have been done differently. as you say, there is not a lot of point now. In fact I might try and just read answers for a while without adding anything myself

I think that would be a good way to go: just reading. In fact there's awhole archive on MN about this, so lots for you if you really want to understand.

people I know ff for different reasons:

1st person. Didnt like to be sole feeder of child and wanted to share the responsibilty

2nd person. Didnt like the idea of using her breasts, wearing nursing bras, milk coming out of her nipples etc. She finds it all revolting.

3rd person. wanted to but was too self consious with body

4th person, given bad advice from hv such as "yes its fine to top him up with formula to help make him sleep" as early as 4 weeks!!! needless to say her milk supply dwindled and baby ended up hungry and so breast out the window and mum felt she was just not made to bf!

5th person. Didnt want to try at all because knew they wouldnt like it.

6th person, told again to mix feed from BIRTH so within weeks milk supply is not building and more and more bottles introduced until bf finished. i was most annoyed at this one because i could see my friend wanted to breastfeed but unfort by the time i saw her she was mix feeding and i didnt want to make her feel like she's made a mistake and look like i was interfereing, if she had asked I would of gave my advice.

micc25 - can i say i feel like you about my nipples.

i cant check my breasts or touch my nipples but i bf both my children.

its just a different experience for me.

even now i make my partner check my breasts and i just cant touch my nipples.

when i bf i could never squeeze my nipples to get milk out etc.

also i cant let my partner touch my boobs or touch my nipples.

its weird!!!

"also i cant let my partner touch my boobs or touch my nipples." during sex i mean

oh stella I'm glad I gave good advice, glad you're still at it. Check me, crying daily about how difficult it was bfing and here I was giving out advice about it!!

On a serious note though, I had to do so much of my own research or find out on my own so much stuff it's crazy. It shouldn't be left to the individual to do that. It's wierd that hv's are so obssessed about weighing babies and yet there's so little support about feeding them to get them to gain that weight!

I think the thing that also contributed to me keeping at it was the support of a fantastic LLL counsellor who spoke to me for 3 hours one night when I was about to go out in the car and find an all night chemist and get some formula. She was so lovely and patient.

What an interesting thread.

Firstly I think ante-natal breastfeeding classes would be great. After all we're told that giving birth will be painful but it doesn't put us off - we feel empowered when we're told how we can deal with it. I reckon more info up front (the good and bad bits)can only be a good thing. You're so tired after birth, not to mention hormonal, that it would be great to be more clued up before the after-birth whirl!

DD1 was prem baby & in SCBU - and for weeks it was just the breast pump - I was also full of drugs due to a severe infection from c-sec, so felt rough. I managed mixed bottle/breast feeding for 8 months but always felt a bad mother as my supply was a slow dribble despite loads of help to get it better.

Just had DD2 and she's BF but honestly feel like giving up Been to breastfeeding clinic today and they were very patronising. It's relentless....literally feeding for hours and hours (4-6!) at a time. DD1 is only 19mths and freaking out at time spent with DD2. My sane mind knows formula isn't really the answer but tired mind says I need a break! Guess I'm not the only one and it depends on what each individual can take. At least with the bottle you can share the problem.

I know this is the reason many friends don't breastfeed....they just can't face their DH/DP not having a share of the feeds right from the start.

jeanjeannie, how old is she? did you see a breastfeeding counsellor at the clinic?
do you feel she is latching on ok?

if you can it might be worth ringing one of the bf helplines and seeing if a bfc could come out to you at home?

Did it for 12 weeks with ds1, hated every minute. I've never felt so miserable or despairing in my life. He couldn't latch on. I had masses of help and support but couldn't do it. He screamed all day long, but stopped and was a different baby once ff. I only started to bond with him when I stopped bfing.

Planned not to bf at all with ds2, but tried it when he was born. He latched on too efficiently and it was agony. Gave up on day 3. Have no regrets at all.

I know breast is best, in theory, but it isn't best for me.

Because I didn't have enough milk and my baby was losing huge amounts of weight and we ended up back in hospital.

Because (and I'll quote Escotss here cos it's what happened to me) 'a MW and health visitor, neither of whom had children of their own, repeating the same old textbook advice over and over again, whilst randomly shoving baby's head onto my boob.' In fact a whole array of visiting mw's in my case.

Because the last lame piece of 'advice' was to strip my little dd naked to 'wake her up a bit' at each feed. This was very distressing to her and I - she was cold and terribly upset - and at that point I realised they had no more idea about why it wasn't working than I did.

The pain side of it was awful too but I would have persevered longer of it hadn't been for the above.

well i bfed ds1 for 18mths, then ds2 till he was nearly 4yrs and then ds3 until he was 3yrs and 4mths, and ds4 only for 9 weeks.

tbh tho i have loved bfeeding i also found it knackering and at times a huge battle, i had mastitis numerous times, horrible case of thrush when feeding ds2, took months for it to go away and all four boys were fussy feeders, didnt like my let down, very distractable etc etc, with the first three boys i perservered but with ds3 i got to 9wks and felt like i was going mad, it just wasnt working and was affecting the WHOLE family, so i chose to bottle feed, was hugely upset to begin with but now four weeks later and tbh i LOVE it, life is so much easier, ds4 is a very settled, content and happy baby and it just fits in with family life much more easily, i dont feel any less bonded with him, he still sleeps in my bed and gets carried in a sling all the time etc, the only difference is sometimes daddy gives him his milk

and whilst i know that bfeeding is best and if i ever have another baby i will try and bfeed, i wont be so upset or stressed out if i end up formula feeding instead, i put myself through hell at times with my dogged determination to bfeed the first three, cos it was best....... yes it has many benefits, but ultimately what makes mum happy makes baby happy and for me this time it was bottlefeeding

Ds2 had the benefits of bm for just over 4 mths, though near the end it was one bottle of 7oz bm a day within the ff bottles too.

I am PROUD that I managed to do what I did as with ds1 I bf for less than a fortnight. Having ds2 and bfeeding made me realise why it never happened first time around, that is lack of support from mwives, the situation (ES, then very severe jaundice led to babe needing special care)and the little advice I got on one occassion from a bfeeding support group was very wrong too I now realise

I chose to go ff with ds2 in the end because I felt my mental health was at stake. I had phoned lines, I had gone to bf support group faithfully, but I think I scared the counsellor as I asked her for advice on PND medication, and then when I left her a message (email and phone) I never heard back from her.

I had mixed fed too but went back to fully bf before making my mind up.

Ideally I would loved to have gone on for longer but I was starting to get very down about it and made the decision my children needed Mummy not a mess so made the switch. I felt awful but making that decision helped me feel more like me. I am well aware of the benefits of bf and the downsides to ff but all I can say is that I appreciate that I got where I did with it, I feel I can offer information in the future to others who may ask about bfeeding in a supportive way. I think that by getting as far as I did will probably get ds2 to 6mths without starting solids.

I am grateful to the mwives who were very good in my area for ds2 who were clued up on bfeeding and also Mnetters to support me to get me where I did. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about it for too long, but that's the reason I chose not to carry on.. mentally I was falling apart. I had tried to donate to a milk bank too as I had a fab supply, I followed the advice I was always given but just found it so tiring and was a wuss for not coping that well with different pain that came and went regularly.