Father struggling to feed/soothe 4-day old newborn

[SparklyEagle]

Father to a 4 day old. Partner is breastfeeding. I am trying to help with feeds as my partner is getting 0 sleep.

Online it says babies drink 1-2oz every 2-3 hours.

Day 1: We tried pumping 6oz to bottles with the idea of me sorting the baby while partner slept 9pm to 2am.

The baby had all 6oz by 11pm! and she was still screaming crying for more. I had to wake partner.

Day 2: I tried paced feeding. Baby was crying between breaks, and eventually threw up after 4oz, refused to take the bottle, and was screaming crying. I had to hand her to mum.

I'm at my wit's end. I think she sucks for soothing, not just eating. But she cant continue sucking the empty bottle, and we've been told not to give her a dummy yet.

IMO if she’s only 4 days old, let her suck as much as she wants (on the boob). Milk presumably only came in yesterday! She wasn’t even in the world a week ago. Consult midwife, presumably still having regular visits with such a young baby. Feed her as much as she wants.
Good luck and congratulations!

I agree.. combi feeding worked well for us to give breaks.

you sound so supportive, keep being her cheerleader, tell her she’s doing great. Make get food, snacks, drinks.. tidy and clean!

it won’t be this intense for long

4 day old baby needs to feed whenever and stay close to mum. Can mum and baby cosleep in the double bed and you take the sofa or elsewhere.

pumping plus bottles is much more work than breast at this stage. If mum can manage, breastfeed whenever possible.

you can do nappy changes and wind the baby so mum doesn’t have to get out of bed. That is v helpful

The best way to help your parent sleep is to let the baby feed directly.

Stop pumping and worrying about oz.

You can help by watching her sleep while she lays down and feeds. Make her food and drink and do all the nappy changes and lay baby back down, rock them etc after feeding.

Sleeping 9-2 isn’t really practical with a new born But you can take the baby at say 10,
so she can nap before the next feed. My husband used to sit and watch films.

6oz is a huge amount and you don’t want to stretch their tummy. For a bf baby it would be 1-2oz paced fed. Get baby back on the boob - this will also help prevent mastitis for your partner.

The best way to tell about if baby is getting enough milk is from their nappies - and yes avoid dummies. Babies is rooting for the boob for a reason.

www.nct.org.uk/information/baby-toddler/caring-for-your-baby-or-toddler/newborn-baby-poo-nappies

Sorry at 4 days old she needs the boob to get the breast milk volume established. If you want to help do the nappy changes and a few minutes each hour of snuggle time.
YES, they eat little often no wonder it’s throwing it back up and foremilk is different than hindmilk so pumping isn’t perfect either.
cook meals, clean the house, do laundry, all admin. Leave the baby at the breast most of the time.

Best thing you can do is let baby stay with mum and you support in every other way possible, sort meals, keep your wife hydrated and keep the home running and find off visitors (if necessary). Baby needs to be with mum and worrying about ounces and timings is pointless at this stage. Congratulations to you both but just go with the flow a bit more.

It sounds like you are very supportive but at 4 days old she needs to be on the boob and feeding loads to build supply.

DH used to sit with baby downstairs asleep on his chest so I could get a block of sleep from 10-1.

Agree with above. It’s supposed to be exhausting in the first few years days.

IME BFing basically has to be on demand. And yes lots of comfort sucking. Because boob and sucking equals comfort and that’s what tiny babies want and need.

Best advice I ever got was “feed way more than you think you need to”.

Good luck and congrats!

You both sound really great parents but I think it's maybe a bit unrealistic for such a tiny baby to be content without mum for 5 hours at this point.

I’ve EBF 2 babies and honestly, it’s not a partner’s domain IMO. My health visitor told me that being at the breast is the only place that meets all of a breastfed baby’s needs at once: warmth, food, closeness with its mother etc. It’s their happy place. If your wife intends to continue with breastfeeding it is best for her supply for her to be feeding at the breast too, especially at night when prolactin is high.

Now, it’s utterly fucking hard sometimes. The sleep deprivation, recovery, visitors etc. Your wife’s hormone shift around day 3 PP is literally like a cliff edge.

If I were you, I would speak with your wife about how you can support her to breastfeed. That might look like you getting up with the baby too to burp & change the nappy so she can get straight back off to sleep (not a great long term plan obviously as it leaves you both tired but ok for the interim).

Essentially, try to make her only job establishing breastfeeding if that’s how she wants to feed. She doesn’t need to be cooking, cleaning or entertaining. When she’s not feeding she can be resting or sleeping. If you have support around you (and your wife is happy to have them in the house) lean on them. Let them sit with the baby for an hour while you both get some rest.

If your wife doesn’t intend to continue with breastfeeding or feels that it is impacting her mental health, support her if she feels like she wants to switch to formula. Don’t let her get to the point where she’s a shell of a person before making that decision. Remind her that she hasn’t failed, the baby will thrive and all will be well. There is no shame in it at all.

It gets easier I promise. Oh, and it’s not personal. The baby doesn’t hate you (my DH worried about that). The baby doesn’t have the awareness to realise that they are a separate being from its mother.

Stop pumping.
Leave the baby with the mum. That's where babies of such a young age need to be, not with their fathers.

Trying to combi feed this early isn't really helping anyone. Best thing you can do is support breastfeeding all the time, get up as early as you can in the morning to let your partner catch up on sleep then.

Pumping is just another chore that has to be added on to the actual feeding.

Online it says babies drink 1-2oz every 2-3 hours

Not 4 day old babies.

They drink anything from 10 - 30 ml as often as they go to the breast at this age. Let the baby stay with the mum!

Congratulations on your baby.

I only BF my first for a short time but when we tried to start him on formula he wouldn’t have it if I was around and he could presumably smell me or my milk. So she maybe just needs mum.

Maybe you can support with everything else to give her a rest and let her concentrate on feeding. 4 days is very teeny tiny still and she’ll still believe she’s part of mum.

Pumping is just another chore that has to be added on to the actual feeding

Yes, stop that! There's no need. It takes forever. No wonder your wife is exhausted.

Its unrealistic to think mum can sleep from 9-2 with a four day old baby. I was lucky to get one hour sleep between feeds at that point.

And BF and trying to pump is what ended my v short BF journey. I was knackered and had PND and mastitis. Absolute worst of all worlds!

Not

Baby is cluster feeding, very normal at this stage as the milk comes in breasts are full and baby just wants to feed non stop as it might seem.
Set up your partner with snacks drinks phone and something to listen to perhaps fav podcast or music. You can help by keeping on top of housework cleaning washing etc.
You sound like you're doing great. It gets easier breastfeeding is usually established by 4 to 6 weeks.

I agree with most of this but I think if you can take baby out whilst she isn't crying and tell your wife that you will keep baby safe and will bring her back if she needs to breastfeed, then that will help your wife to relax and sleep.

At about day 5 I felt like I would have a stroke if I didn't get some sleep.

A stretchy wrap is a good way to take baby out, or in the pram's basinet attachment.

And congratulations! And it does get easier!

Yeah I agree with the others. The pumping and bottle feeding and so on is just stressful on everyone. This is the time to be establishing breastfeeding. Leave baby with mum and just be helpful in other ways.

I was very ill after one of mine and my DH lifted the baby for night feeds and I fed her lying down and then he took her back and settled her. This was a massive help to give me some additional sleep that I just needed to recover.

You clearly mean very well and I don't doubt your partner is desperate for sleep. But you are unintentionally giving yourselves more work by adding in pumping, washing pump parts and dealing with an aggy baby who just wants the breast.
At this point, my DH was doing everything else but feeding. In the night he changed the nappy and put baby in my arms ready. Then he went back to sleep. If nappy was filled during the feed (so common!) I woke him and he changed it again. I just sat there closing my eyes micro napping. In the day, he took baby away on morning waking eg 6am so I went back to sleep. We found that actually was the longest stretch of baby's happy awake time or napping in his arms so I could get a bit of rest. Then in the day I'd be sitting feeding whilst he made food and did the chores. Early afternoon baby seemed to have a longer stretch and either he'd sling nap the baby or on a few fabulous occasions a relative or friend visited and held sleeping baby whilst we parents both napped. I deliberately say held or slinged, not put down in the moses basket, because babies generally nap much better when they feel securely held and loved, ie what will give sleeping mum the most guaranteed rest without baby waking and demanding boob!

Have you got a sling, ideally a stretchy wrap? My DH loved using it for our babies and they settled so well whilst he pottered about. At this point the distinction between day and night makes no difference. Mum can get hours of sleep in whenever she can, assuming you're on paternity leave for 2 weeks- it doesn't have to be at night.

If your wife really needs sleep - give baby a bottle of formula so your wife can get a stretch of sleep. As long as baby is feeding round the clock the rest of the time, supply will stay OK. And sometimes it gets to the point that it's more important the mum gets some sleep.

I have bf, formula fed and combifed my babies - and that's my advice if she's really struggling for sleep!

Another option, if your wife is very desperate for sleep is to watch her and baby whilst they co-sleep/whilst your wife sleeps whilst nursing (sitting up in bed but propped up with pillows). This is to obviously make sure they stay in safe positions, as neither of those are safe sleeping approaches and it is very dangerous to do them when you are so tired.

Your wife getting sleep is massively important, and so this maybe be necessary a few times early on.

I say this as mum to an EBF 4 month old so quite recent memories - 4 days is so early! It will be chaos, that’s normal, you’re both doing great and it should get easier within weeks.

My experience was the 9pm-2am slot you talk about is when baby wanted to cluster feed so best to just be on the boob near constantly at that time. My DH could then do a pumped bottle for a feed in the early morning (only about 30ml at that age) and then hold baby asleep for a couple hours and she was happy so I could get maybe 3 hrs of sleep. It wasn’t long before we’d sometimes manage to transfer her asleep into the bedside cot and then we could all sleep for a couple of hours.

It’s great that you want to support your partner so well, my advice would be provide near constant food and drink(!), sort everything around the house (obviously drop anything not essential) and chip in with baby as much as you can at this early stage. And be ready to provide emotional support when it gets overwhelming for her, which it does, but I now find breastfeeding convenient and lovely. Good luck!