Father struggling to feed/soothe 4-day old newborn

[SparklyEagle]

Father to a 4 day old. Partner is breastfeeding. I am trying to help with feeds as my partner is getting 0 sleep.

Online it says babies drink 1-2oz every 2-3 hours.

Day 1: We tried pumping 6oz to bottles with the idea of me sorting the baby while partner slept 9pm to 2am.

The baby had all 6oz by 11pm! and she was still screaming crying for more. I had to wake partner.

Day 2: I tried paced feeding. Baby was crying between breaks, and eventually threw up after 4oz, refused to take the bottle, and was screaming crying. I had to hand her to mum.

I'm at my wit's end. I think she sucks for soothing, not just eating. But she cant continue sucking the empty bottle, and we've been told not to give her a dummy yet.

Ah dude her only job atm is to get mothers milk up. Your job is to take care of mam's needs. Stop with the bottles, take the baby out on the pram so your wife can get some kip in-between feeds.

At 4 days old it's probably best to establish breastfeeding. Newborns can feed a lot at night so perhaps keep the expressed milk to feed your baby in the morning so your wife can catch up on some sleep. Or maybe soshe could have a lovely undisturbed bath - I would have loved that! You can help during the night by taking over winding and changing nappies. I couldn't have been bothered with expressing and bfing though.

4 days is one of the toughest times. Make sure you get baby weighed by midwife soon; it's probably fine, but if baby is sucking all the time, it COULD mean that they are not getting enough milk / they are trying to stimulate more production. But if baby is the correct weight, this isn't a worry, it's just hard work! I've heard of dad's / grandmas of baby, staying awake to watch mum and new baby co-sleep safely, so baby can suckle as much as they want, without fear of any danger. That way, mum can get the rest she needs and baby should be content.

It does very quickly get less intense. Baby is lucky to have two such loving and involved parents, you are doing great.

I would leave the feeding to mum in these very early days there’s loads of other things you can do to make life easier for her

Usual advice is not to use a bottle until bf is well established. Probably two or three months.

That long sleeping probably isn’t realistic yet but you can definitely aim to give your wife a couple of hours off maybe 2-3 times a day.

For a short time it’s okay if the baby is crying. After a feed, get the sling out and take the baby for a walk. Your wife won’t hear any crying so more likely to actually be able to sleep.

If she’s able to bf while lying on her side — and look up all the safe co sleeping stuff if trying this — that can allow for a more restful position while she feeds.

Single mum of 2 here: NB phase is rough. Tiny tummies empty quickly so frequent feeding is unavoidable. Baby is also bloody shell shocked being on the outside. Body feels weird now that the body's sensations are so apparent. Air on the skin, breathing, pooping, wind, food by mouth, bright lights --- it's bloody frightening.
Best thing is skin to skin and offering a feed before signs of hunger then back to being held. You just have to roll with baby's needs and resolve to be at their beck and call for the next few to several months. FWIW I combo fed my first and mostly EBF my 2nd. Couldn't pump enough milk sufficiently for either so bottle feeding breast milk wasn't an option. If your partner wants to bf either ebf or mostly, in early days, really at least a month, put baby to breast on demand. You can give the odd bottle once milk and feeding is firmly established.

ETA don't panic about the measured amount baby takes, go by frequency of nappy changes and if they're heavy at least a few times in 24hrs.
You can find tonnes of baby tracker apps to log (everything) feeds so you have ready info to provide mw/hv/gp as tired parental brains tend to blank on questioning.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne Is there really any need for the shitty comments to a new parent who is just trying his best to support his partner? 🙄

@SparklyEagle Firstly - congratulations ☺️ What an exciting time!! I hope labour and delivery went smoothly and mum and baby are doing well 😊 You sound like a really supportive partner which is really lovely ❤️
Personally, I think you guys are creating a bit more work for yourselves than necessary. I absolutely get the idea of trying to give your partner that chunk of sleep but realistically, this early on, it’s just not going to happen I’m afraid!
For us, we found that me breastfeeding on demand then passing baby to DH to be winded and changed worked best for at least the first couple of weeks. The advice from my health visitor was to try and avoid pumping unless absolutely necessary for the first 3 months to make sure your supply etc sorts itself out. Breastfeeding on demand means baby should be getting the milk that they need without you having to stress over volumes etc ☺️ when your Health Visitor does the weight checks youll be able to see that things are on track.

Realistically, for the first few weeks, one of us was always awake with baby because he only really settled when being held 😅 Eventually he started allowing us to put him down for short periods of time and we started getting the odd hour of sleep together which felt like a real treat by that point!

And please don’t feel stressed out if baby isn’t settling quite as well for you - it’s biology, it’s not you ☺️🤣 My DH was highly offended that DS screamed like a demon when he tried to settle him but was sound asleep within minutes on me 🤣

And just an added little thing - I’m sure you’re taking lots of photos - try and take some candid little pictures of mum and baby having cuddles. I always snapped pictures of DH & DS just chilling having cuddles and he rarely thought to pick up the camera when I had DS (usually because he was running around trying to sort everything else, not because he’s an arse 🤣). Also, take videos. All those little snuffley, squeaky noises and funny scrunchy faces they pull as newborns disappear so bloody quickly 😢 But DS (5yo) loves sitting with me now looking at all the little videos and it’s lovely!

You will make the baby ill feeding them 4+oz of milk, their stomach is tiny.

Your job now is to support mum to breastfeed and rest. Will the baby settle on mum's chest? If so you could let them sleep like that propped in bed while you stay awake and watch them.

All of this comes later. Mum and baby need to be together and feeding freely. Your job is to support them.

forget about pumping and bottles for now. Be around for cuddles with your baby and for bringing your wife what she wants.

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments!!

My partner is like a super mum, she's doing so much. I take care of chores, cooking, etc during the day and help nappy changes at night but I'll try to do the burping and rocking too. I want to do so much more.

I'll float the idea of switching to formula only as a possibility if we get desperate.

I don't want her to get burned out. It's her first, no doubt it's a big shock becoming a mum, she's barely had a second to come to terms with it!

The best way for DH to help me that early was to hand me the baby, I would breastfeed, then he would take our daughter and change her nappy and get her back to sleep.

Regarding suggestions of taking baby for a walk or running my partner a bath, what if baby needs a feed mid way through the walk or just after partner gets in the bath?

That's my problem. Baby only sleeps on me or mum, but if I move my arm or something I accidentally wake her up, she needs a nipple or she'll be screaming the house down!

Well done for being a supportive parent ❤️ And congratulations.
as others say, let baby stay on the breast for now, it helps to up supply and well as feed baby. And after 6oz, baby will probably have a sore tummy and need a massive winding! They will
suck (even more milk!) to relieve the pain, then vomit it all. A dummy is okay, but if possible, baby on the boob! After an hour of feeding/sucking, take baby away for an hour, supply should build in that time and be ready for baby again. The first few weeks are brutal, and so tiring!

Pumping now is a mistake she needs to do the feeds and establish BF.

You support by nappy changing
making sure she has snacks water and is comfortable.
Do the laundry....
Make sure you have nutritious dinner meal to enjoy together.

Basically you look after her and do house stuff and hold the baby and change the baby

If she’s keen to breastfeed then don’t push formula. It can land like you think she’s making life harder than needed.

Her sleep wise - side by side feeding lying down is game changing. You get lectured not to fall asleep while feeding. I what they forget to tell you is that’s for safe sleep for the baby. So, the person feeding can fall asleep if someone else is watching the baby. When feeding was hard to get started that feels a million miles away, but once the mum and baby both suss feeding then it’s relatively straight forward.

Then can fall asleep while feeding / straight after.

Reset your expectations. Look for total rest in 24 hours. Not hours sleep at night.

Many babies will sleep with the movement of walking so just go around the block or up and down the street to start with so you are still close to home. This stage is absolutely exhausting - there's really only so much that can be done about that.

Absolutely not usual advice 🙄

Wouldn’t expect any woman to have had much sleep 4 days after Labour, when baby is this little they want to be on mum as much as possible. So natural. Lovely that dad wants to be there to support, but do the other stuff that needs doing and let mum feed for now.
Tbh I wanted to be holding my baby non stop in those early days and weeks. Believe me dad does his fair share of nurturing now with older kids (5 years +). But baby has only just come out of mums body and with mum is where she wants and needs to be.

3 year old and a ten day old, we combi fed from the get-go and no issues with supply, if anything pumping on occasion (to make up for a formula feed) has helped supply.

What I'd do is add in formula - in the situation where she wakes up if you're holding the or you're out, offer 30ml of formula. It should be enough to calm the baby down and lull then back to sleep, meaning you can get your time with the baby and mum can rest.

Ignore some of the comments saying the baby shouldn't be away from mum at this stage - they need love and warmth and cuddle but there's NO reason it can't be from you.

@SparklyEagle no formula if she plans to BF!!!!
not a soother but you can put your finger in the baby’s mouth to suck on.
baby carry will allow you a few hands free minutes.

A 4 day old baby needs to be on it's mum's breast, all 3 of my children fed every 2 hours and were feeding for 30min+ at a time for months, it was hard but if you want to breastfeed it's what you do. She should nap in the day if she's tired. 4 days in though she needs to establish her supply, it's a supply and demand thing so the more she feeds the more milk she'll make. You shouldn't be stressing over oz's or pacing feeds (whatever that means) if the baby if hungry whack it on the breast (the baby is weighed regularly to check they are getting enough milk). It's lovely you want to be involved, maybe change the nappies and pass the baby to your wife to feed in the night. My husband did this cute but utterly ridiculous thing with our first child where he woke up with me everytime the baby did, change the nappy then would sit there awake whilst I fed, before helping to place the baby back down. I have no idea why we did this as it just meant we were both shattered. Needless to say he never woke up with any of our other children nor did I expect him to. Babies primarily need their mum in that 4th trimester, I'd be helping more around the house etc so she doesn't have to do it in the day.

Firstly, sorry you are having such a tough time of it. But other posters are correct, as grueling as it is baby needs to be on the boob as much as baby wants to at this crucial stage. 4 days her milk is barely in and the baby hasn’t fully figured out latching and feeding properly. That’s why the advice is no bottles for about 6 weeks to stop nipple confusion and to build mum’s supply. I introduced expressed milk at about 3-4 weeks no problem, so don’t take it as a hard deadline, but 4 days is much too soon whilst she is still getting her supply up and mum and baby are still learning.
Breastfeeding in the early days is one of the hardest things in the world so you and your wife have to decide to continue, which means very sporadic, broken sleep for your wife for weeks to months, or to combi feed with formula. If you want to bottle feed with breastmilk then your wife should still be pumping every time the baby feeds to make sure her supply is rising with baby’s demand, so really that’s not getting anymore sleep and she may as well breastfeed directly.
As someone above said, if you are serious about wanting long stretches of sleep at night with a newborn then it’s probably formula so you can take turns, but if you reframe the lack of nighttime sleep to the total amount of sleep in 24hrs (basically wife needs to learn to nap in the day whilst you’re around to hold the baby and just bring the baby to wife when s/he is hungry) then the broken sleep seems more manageable.
I hate to say it but nighttime sleep for you both I’m sorry to say is pretty much a thing of the past… BUT it does get easier. But yes, it’s harder than anyone can ever prepare you for.

Your wife can absolutely have a decent unbroken stretch at night - but not at this stage if breastfeeding. I had a couple of 7+ hour sleeps in the first week of my firsts life, but that was because baby was formula fed. Not a chance with my second who we tried to mix feed, and refused bottles from a few days.

As for when to introduce bottles etc, I'd personally say it depends where your wife's heart lies on the topic of feeding. Stopping bottles at this early stage will increase the chances of successful breastfeeding. It will also raise the risk of the baby refusing bottles later (many of my friends who waited 6w could never get baby to take a bottle). I introduced a bottle immediately as if I had to 'chose' I'd prefer 100% bottles than 100% boob. Didn't work out for me 😂. But if BF is important to her, then give it every chance, so hold off on the bottles for now. It's harder to reintroduce breastfeeding, so err on the side of caution.

Remember to do lots of skin to skin yourself, and don't try to copy how mum comforts, you'll develop your own way. Mum is home to your baby - and the only home they've known. That in itself is comforting for a newborn.

Congratulations on becoming a dad. Parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint.

Don't take over. Your job is very much admin staff right now if baby is breastfeeding. Cook dinner, do the laundry, change nappies etc. Enable your wife to get sufficient sleep, but it won't be in big chunks and won't be all at night. Buy her a really good silk sleep mask to facilitate daytime naps, maybe with Bluetooth headphones incorporated