Anybody still not got over breastfeeding failure?

[Tinkjon]

I couldn't breastfeed my children who are now 5yo and 8mo (don't really want to get bogged down in the reasons, it just didn't work for us). I was distraught at the time and felt horribly guilty about it but I'd managed to let it go to some extent. The other day DD asked why I didn't give DS "milk from my breasts anymore" and I just burst into tears. BFing was not an enjoyable experience for us at all, so I am definitely happier in some respects, but I still feel so sad about not being able to do it. Anybody else?

Tink, this is a very common experience, and a deep, hidden grief for many women. It's not often expressed, as women are supposed to 'feel grateful they have a healthy baby' and 'accept that ff babies are just fine', and they may blame people like me (breastfeeding counsellors) for 'making' them feel guilty.

I don't think the grief has much to do with worrying about the health effects. It's to do with the ending of a relationship that felt important to you....and why wouldn't you be upset at that? Acknowledging the power of these feelings, and then understanding that in truth, you can mother your child just as well whether you ff or bf, will help you move on and while you may always be sad about it, you will be able to 'let it go' in time.

I hope others will post with their own experiences.

i do

i had a miserable time of it - refluxy baby, no help or support from HV

i just didn't know what to expect, so i was totally unprepared for a baby that wanted to feed all the time

a friend of mine has just had a baby and i feel a yearning to breastfeed a LO of my own again

Thanks Tik. I think it's also the thought of failing at something which is supposed to be so natural.

i tried to bf 2 of my 3.it lasted about 5-6 weeks with both.i did feel bit guilty to begin with but when i look at my children i see 3 happy healthy and well loved children regardless of how they were fed.breast may be best but if its not working out then obviously mum and babies happiness and health comes first.

me too tinkjon, although my anger is no longer at myself, but at the system that let me down. i did briefly consider trying to relactat when DD was 2 (!) as i was still leaking a bit.... i no longer yearn for another baby, but to breastfeed. i know i could have done with help. and that i am astounded at myself for not looking into it more when i was pregnant, and just blidnly going into formula feeding

i dont so much feel bad at stopping bf ds1 after 6 weeks(it was doomed from the start through no fault of my own)as not trying to bf my other 4 dc because the first experience put me off for life

Hi Tink, me too.

DD couldn't latch on so within 3 days my nipples were completely shot to pieces, bleeding all the time and really painful while MWs etc discharged me and said it was just something we had to get through. When milk came in it was even worse as massive engorgement and mastitis starting quickly after...

Anyway, gave DD formula -she slept for the first time in 5 days. Eventually I got a MW over who helped and we found a way for me to feed. I mixed fed until 4 months when I had to go on very serious antibiotics (unconnected) and was told I was absolutely not allowed to BF for 6 months. Now the six months is almost up part of me wants to start up again even though it seems a bit silly.

I feel angry with myself for not trying to go back to exclusive BF when I did get the hang of it a bit, and for the lack of support and help. I really wish now I had looked into it more in pregnancy and really want another baby now to give it a good go (although also feel guilty about the fact I would be making more effort with DC2 when I love DD so much...) Aarrrgh.

Sorry, just thought I'd say I know how you feel, and thanks Tiktok

badger - it is not silly to want to try bf again.

It is highly unlikely you needed to stop bf 'cos of the a/bs, and even less likely you needed to stop totally...but this is what mothers are told to do, and it is absolutely not their fault if they accept it

Women have started to breastfeed again after a long gap - yes, even as long as this.

It's not easy, you need to work at it, and only you can decide if it is worth doing (as it takes up a lot of time) but physiologically speaking, it can be done.

If you want to know more, you could start another thread as it's not really approp. here.

I really wish I'd tried harder with DD, asked for more help or even looked up something somewhere.
She was in SCBU nad I spent every moment away from her tearing myself up 'cos I couldn't handle she may die, instead I should've looked for more help.
But I try not to blame myself anymore, I think that the people in hospital that could see an obviously struggling 19year old that had no clue as to what to do, but was willing to try, should have done more than shove me in a room with a victorian looking breast pump and tell em to get on with it.

It's times like yesterday when DD cried her heart out about having eczema that it really hurts though, knowing that maybe if she'd been BF she wouldn't have it

Lulumama, I can understand your anger at the system, but tbh I didn't expect anything from them anyway (how sad is that?!)
Like some others have said, I am angry at myself for not doing more to try and succeed. In my 2nd pregnancy, a friend had the great idea of contacting a bf counsellor beforehand, to try and prevent the same problems happening again and I really did intend to do that, but you know what it's like with a kid to look after, everything except day-to-day necessities just gets left I really, really should have contacted somebody when I was struggling after DS's birth but everything was all so over-whelming and I was so ill after my cs that I just didn't do it I stopped, felt initially relieved, but then felt much better after the cs problems so decided to try to re-lactate. I did get some supply back but with a very demanding DD around, I simply couldn't put the time needed into it. It wouldn't have been fair to her.
VictorianSqualor, I think it was DS developing eczema that made me feel the same way too. But, although BFing can go a long way to protecting against allergies, if it's in your genes then chances are that it's not going to make a lot of difference. Also an allergy specialist told me that bf-ing only puts off eczema developing if it's in your genes, it doesn't prevent it altogether (not sure whether that's true or not but I'm repeating it anyway).
LittlestBadger, I agree with Tiktok, it's not silly to think about starting again at all! It would be a struggle but it can certainly be done!

Ah, I know the eczema could very well still have been there, but DS1 doesn't have any of the problems she does (asthma, eczema, hayfever etc) and he was breastfed, so it's all too easy to put the blame on myself.

Tinkjon I still feel horribly guilty and am terrified at the thought of what I will do if I have another baby. I know I want to try again but am so scared of failing again.

I think I cried most days for the first 6months of dd's life - I felt like i had let her down and should have just got on with the toe curling pain and bleeding and found a way to stop her arching her back and going into melt down every time I fed her.

I did try to get help - I went to a bf clinic - and they latched her on straight away. She slipped off and even 2 bf counsellors couldn't get her to latch back on and I had to resort to formula at the clinic.

When dd turned 6mo something in me changed and the guilt has gone but I still feel so sad that it didn't work.

If I have another baby and I am lucky enought that bf works out next time, I am scared that the overwhelming guilt over dd will come back.

Dd also has eczema and it breaks my heart when I see her scratching at her face.

OP you are not alone and I can identify with the very emotional reaction you still have to your experience.

I managed to bf dd for 4 months and then mix feed till about 10months. But to me it was still a "failure" and not at all what I expected. I was in quite severe pain every day for about the first 6 months - even after mix feeding started - and dd was v slow to gain weight until she started on ff.

I did seek help and saw different bfcs and went to a support group. In some ways that made it worse, because I had loads of help and I still couldn't crack it. I also have a lot of guilt because I know that some women will look at my experience and see it as a relatively successful one compared to their own. So there is a bit of a feeling that I should be grateful that I could carry on with it.

I had so much pain - my nipples just would not heal - I think I got thrush, then was allergic to the cream I was given for it. Then I got a breast infection. I was feeding (and expressing) through the pain the whole time.

I am still so sad about the whole experience. Instead of being a happy time, the first months of her life were just pain and stress.

I'm 38 wks pg, keen to bf again, and massively anxious. I'm reading up and trying to prepare better this time but I'm scared it will go the same way again

Meep - understand totally about what you say. I went to a bf class whilst I was pregnant, read literature about it and tried in earnest to bf my DD after an emergency c-section. I was astounded at the pain and bleeding etc. like so many women and really tried to perservere. But my DH got really angry and worried as our DD wasn't gaining the weight she should have done. I went to the bf clinic a couple of times but was totally put off by a very patronising counsellor (she was probably really tired though) and just burst into tears on the way home and cried for weeks afterwards. The guilt at not being able to bf my DD beyond a few days after her birth is still very much with me, I feel like a total failure but for goodness sake what was the alternative? Someone I know had a daughter who went into cardiac arrest after her mother couldn't bf her. I am still blisteringly angry at the way bf is promoted by so many people as the only thing you should do. A lack of support and inability to physically get to a bf clinic after the birth (try driving when you're recovering from a c-section) means that it just isn't an option for everyone. Plus you've got the negativity of mother and MIL telling you not to bother as they had problems themselves and assume you will be the same, and unwanted guests hanging around after the birth, so how on earth are you supposed to do it?
So please to all those who promote bf so heavily, just lay off a bit to those of us who couldn't. We are not careless, selfish mums and those of us who couldn't bf have got to live with the guilt.

totally. when i was pg with ds i didnt even consider ff, i was so certain that i would bf that i didnt buy any bottles or equipment at all. for a long time after i gave up trying (very ill post-section) i was angry at women who could bf and felt like a failure and that they were judging me and my substandard femininity. after all, i had failed at giving birth, i had failed at the first 2y of ds's life and i had failed to bf. this contributed hugely to my pnd even after i lost my resntment at ds being "delivered" i still resented my body's inability to work properly. when in fact it was poor information that was to blame. if id known then what i know now... etc

apple

You'll find that people (like me) who are involved in breastfeeding promotion are also heavily involved in actually enabling women to do it. I agree - telling people how great it is blah blah blah is actually very unkind without at the same time working against the cultural and healthcare practices that make it so difficult to do.

You'll also find that the organisations that work to improve breastfeeding experiences and breastfeeding rates never talk about 'careless' or 'selfish' mothers - ever. No one who understands anything about infant feeding would even think that.

These feelings are projection - mothers who wanted to breastfeed worry and beat themselves up and break their hearts and think others might be thinking these horrible things about them, but they are truly not.

Promoting breastfeeding - making it a real choice to the many mothers who know very little about it - is not the same as saying 'if you didn't breastfeed, then you are selfish'. It really isn't. But when you are in a bad and unhappy place, you take any discussion about the positives of breastfeeding as a personal criticism...and it feeds into your unhappiness

thats it exactly tiktok, i have argued so many times on here about ff/bf and now its as if a cloud has been lifted. i understand that while i feel guilty, its not my fault. and its not the fault of the women who successfully bf. they were lucky, i wasnt.

I thought I was over it (dd is 22 months) but I met someone at a barbecue yesterday who asked me how long I'd breastfed, and all those feelings of complete inadequacy and despair came rushing back. I said 'we didn't - I failed', and it was all a bit awkward. She was very nice about it though.

Tinkjon. I have massive feelings of failure. I fed my dd1 until she was nearly 3 but have had massive problems with dd2 resulting in me being on medication and dd2 being mixed fed. I struggle with my feelings of inadequacy and failure. I have written the whole experience down and I actually blogged it as well as a catharsis.

I was extrememly lucky and had a top class breastfeeding consultant to help me- without her I wouldn't have been able to feed at all as I just wasn't producing any milk.

lissie- I feel like that (although I didn't have a cs) but I was so convinced I wouldn't have any problems with her cos I'd been fine with dd1 that it hit me like a bolt from the blue when she was losing weight and then it turned out that it was my fault. I feel so badly let down by my body. It doesn't help that loads of my friends breastfed and one had a baby a few months after me and is successfully breastfeeding- it tears me up although I'd never wish anyone my problems iyswim.

applepie, I, like many others on MN, am very pro-breastfeeding and will always say it's the best thing to do, I shan't go into it on this thread as it isn't the place but I get quite annoyed at Formula companies both with their sharky advertising tactics and their lack of public information available, I aslo get really fed up with HCP's giving incorrect advice rather than handing new mothers over to the professionals, but I will never have anything but support for a mother, support to feed their baby whichever way they want and to be able to easily access the help needed if they are struggling. (Why should we have to jump hoops??)

For those of who are worried about feeding a next child, please don't be disheartened, I fed DS1 for 8months before returning to work and am now feeding DS2 (4weeks in so far) without any real problems so it is perfectly possible, just be willing to look for help or use formula if it isn't as easy as you would like.

Lastly, none of us are failures. Not one.

Thanks Tiktok, Tink and VS. I have found this thread very helpful and actually much more use than the proud to ff style ones. I do think it is important to be able to tell stories of BF problem so that we can get over the feeling of being judged for failing when it is actually only usually something we do to ourselves.

I do find it interesting that I am FAR more pro-BF now and much less ambiguous about it than I was before DD was born and I think it helps with that because I found it so hard.

Similar experiences here. DD is 2.4yrs now and breastfeeding another is something I still think about most days with anxiety. I was a 36K when I was feeding, and felt horribly self conscious. She fed for hours and hours on end and I was so exhausted that we gave her formula at 6 weeks old. She had that night time bottle for another six weeks, then we added another. In the end I fed for ten months, but for the last month it was only once a day.

I still feel like I failed. Partly because I didn't suffer pain mastitis, cracked nipples or the like, I just couldn't hack the endless feeding, the sleep deprivation, and the feeling of being tied to my baby. I also had bad PND.

I would love to exclusively feed a baby for six months, and still feel that I'm inadequate because I just don't believe I can. Am also pretty ashamed that I didn't fall in love with the whole experience. I also hate the thought of being so huge again.

So, holding your hand, and letting you know you're not alone. Sigh!

This is a really helpful thread OP. I am currently "failing" bf. But I am in an ok place at the moment after having a chance to grieve what I thought would be a given. What I thought would just happen.
I always wanted to breastfeed, I read books about it, I talked to people about it, I've had a good hard go at it. My body just isn't providing(and I've tried everything I can think of or that's been suggested). I've had great support from excellent professionals and from friends who have struggled too. But, as someone said earlier, having good support makes you feel even worse when it doesn't get bf back on track.
I will always be pro-breastfeeding, but I'm not exclusively breastfeeding my own baby. And that's tough to swallow sometimes.
My next step is to be able to go out and ff my baby in public and not think that I'm being judged. It's not rational, but those feelings are there. I want to shout at everyone- look, I TRIED!