Anybody still not got over breastfeeding failure?

[Tinkjon]

I couldn't breastfeed my children who are now 5yo and 8mo (don't really want to get bogged down in the reasons, it just didn't work for us). I was distraught at the time and felt horribly guilty about it but I'd managed to let it go to some extent. The other day DD asked why I didn't give DS "milk from my breasts anymore" and I just burst into tears. BFing was not an enjoyable experience for us at all, so I am definitely happier in some respects, but I still feel so sad about not being able to do it. Anybody else?

e14- we've spoken before about this I'm sure> I don't know if you want to read my story and the steps available plus have links to breastfeeding consultants- if you do my blog is here. Please don't feel you have to read it but I wrote the experience as a catharsis and have blogged it all just incase it helps anyone else

VictorianSqualor it's not the FF that made your daughter get eczema, she would have anyway. BF may have lessened the effect of it and the longer you could have done it the better the chance, but she has the genes for it and that's why she has it. And just because your son doesn't have it, doesn't mean it's because he was breastfed vs she wasn't. It's exactly the same as my sister is blonde/ blue eyed and I'm auburn/ green eyed. The genes for both are there and it depends which ones are passed on each time, other wise we'd just be clones of our parents.

"angry at the way bf is promoted by so many people as the only thing you should do"

Please don't be angry at that, be angry at the health profession who promote it without the knowledge to back it up! That's what annoys me when I hear stories like yours. You could have done it if the right support had been there. (I like what TikTok said, better than what I did )

We're so caught up on growth charts and our HCPs get so into them that if a child isn't growing fast enough it's very quickly mum's milk that's blamed. BF babies often don't grow as fast and I'm quite convinced in this day of FF that our babies are bigger than what they should be. Someone said this to me recently when I said about Tink going from 9-12 to 12-18 month clothes "How do you know that's not what size babies are supposed to be?"

From around 2.5 months Tink weighed the same (6lb 2oz) on her weekly weigh-ins for four weeks. My HV got more and more panicked each time. Eventually she insisted that I topped her up, which I wasn't happy with and gave about 1 top up a day. She still wasn't happy so I rang the NN MW. She got me to see the paediatrician who was happy with her weight and referred me to the BF clinic. They were also happy with her weight but knew they needed to get HV off my back and put her on what I call the body building diet. I'm not going to explain it here because it's for your HCP to sort out. It involved a lot of extra feeds from me and a lot of formula (I happened to be on holiday in Majorca at the time we did this, which was great as a. it involved a lot of sterilising and b. she out grew all her EB clothes, I hadn't taken NB and the only baby shops were M&P type - IE expensive!) It took her a week to catch up to where she was on the chart (not that she was ever on it) and after that she refused the extra feeds. BUT it took till I introduced solids to get her back off of the formula. I still beat myself up because it was done for the HV only and meant I only managed 2 months of exclusive BF. I feel like I failed my girls over their births and then failed Tink over her feeds. My only consolation is that we're still going.

Like I said, I know it isn't why she has it, but had she been BF she could possibly have avoided it or at least had it less than she does.

Pixie - powerful story on your blog. Have left a comment

hairtwiddler, I'm 34H so I can understand that. When Tink was first put to the breast she looked so tiny, I had a nursing cushion and a pillow to get her high enough and it wasn't enough, that I didn't think she could do it!

The PND is an odd one, for some it helps to BF and some it makes it worse. For me, because I didn't view Tink as mine, it helped. I know a few people from the PH that have gone both ways with it and some that couldn't because they needed to be medicated far more than they needed to BF.

If you ever have another one, don't let this put you off. You are capable with the right support. Visit The Breastfeeding Community for a local councellor or group that can help you. I'd recommend that site to anyone who needs help (and if you're in Birmingham, I can recommend some really good support!)

tiktok- thanks for the comment. I would be interested in any ideas you have- as I said on my blog all avenues were investigated re my ITP and SB (lactation consultant) couldn't fathom it either. If you email me via

heathertaiisaf @ yahoo .co .uk

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Turniphead- thanks -I don't feel deserving of anyone's awe. Sometimes I felt selfish for perservering- if i'd put her on formula then she'd have thrived- iyswim.

riven- hugs

I still feel miserable and guilty and useless. Think I always will though. More so because I made it to 4mths with DS1 and only to 6weeks with DS2.

Partly blame the HV I had given dodgy advice, but mostly myself for not having more grit and determination (VERY painful and cracked, scabby nipples despite good latching on, and unbelievably slow milk 'let-down', if that's the right phrase for it! With both babies.)

Pixie- I have read your blog and found it really helpful.

tiktok- just noticed that the board has changed my email addy due to te underscores so here it is again heather tai isaf at yahoo dot co dot uk.

the lines are underscores

e14mum-thanks

Thank you OP for this thread - I normally steer clear of the feeding threads as I know they will just make me feel terrible again. When I found MN (after my feeding failure) I became obsessed with the bf threads and would just sob while I read them. I realised it was not exactly healthy and stopped reading them. But this thread has made me realise that I was in a mess over it but I can deal with my feelings now.
I am so proud of my friends who are still bf - 10 months on, but I worry that I may have been "off" with them when I was going through my bad patch. I hope that they know that the real me is here now.
I will try again - I had never thought of contacting a bf counsellor before the birth but I will if there is a next time. I also know to get help at every feed when I am in hospital instead of trying to latch my wee baby on myself, 5 hours after an emergency c-section thinking that is just what you did (I did get severely told off by the midwife for that - but I was still too full of drugs to realise that I was meant to buzz for help!).

Tiktok - thanks for your post. I do see what you are saying, but it just seems that hardly a week goes by without there being some new report out extolling the virtues of bf. There can't be many pg women or new mums in this country who are not aware that 'breast is best' even if they know little more than that or how to do it. I am just sick and tired of it all and wish that the government would put its money where its mouth is - i.e. fund or train and support a great deal more bf counsellors so that bf can be encouraged and nurtured long term amongst new mums. Instead of spending money commissioning reports telling us what we already know and which has been proven over and over again, put the money into training up a generation of bf counsellors who can help women both in hospital and at health centres and their homes if possible. Midwives have enough on their plates without having to help new mums in hospital.

sounds like everyone here did their level best to feed as long as they could/wanted to. please don't use the word failure - it is so negative. stopping breast feeding, not being able to b/f or not wanting to doesn't make any mother a failure.

Me too.

Lithium in my case - she never got a drop of colostrum.

I have had great thoughts from tiktok before.

But I still am not great at living with the guilt though. My mental health meant that I put me before the baby - can't get much more selfish than that.

the problem is choufleur that I felt like a failure and that's whay I was using that word.

I know that I am not a failure but it didn't/doesn't change the way I feel about.

I agree that not being able to/not wanting to bf definitely does not make any motehr a failure and I certainly don't view any other mothers that way.

I was just trying to put accross the depth of emotion that it made me feel.

mylittlepudding - having a mummy who was well and without mental health problems is incredibly important - you are not selfish

Thanks Tinkerbelles mum, looking up that website now. I think PND (and feeling completely overwhelmed by the responsibility) and body image issues had a lot to do with me ending up mixed feeding. These days when I read about any formula negating the effects of breastfeeding I still feel wretched. It's irrational I know - DD is healthy, happy, bright, with no allergies, no asthma, and is rarely ill!

I never had the getting her high enough problem. Couln't use a breastfeeding pillow as she would have been squashed!

Agree I think loads more support needed. I found the support of NCT classmates helped me through the worst times, but really could have done with someone who knew more about feeding who could have said, 'you're doing great', or 'it will get better', or who could have advised me on expressing so that DH could have given me a break from feeding for a bit.

Glad to have found mumsnet in the meantime!

I hope you don't mind me posting on this thread as I did successfully breastfeed but I just wanted to voice support and say that I totally understand the sentiments expressed here.

I did not have any thoughts on breastfeeding until I became pregnant but then once I decided that I really wanted to breastfeed all I seemed to read/hear about during pregnancy were the negative points of breastfeeding, the pain and discomfort, what happens if your milk doesn't come in, thrush, mastitis, constant feeding, leaking, etc.

After DD was born I was almost afraid to try as I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to or wouldn't have enough milk as I had no colostrum/leaking during pregnancy. I approached it with a grim 'military-like' determination and it took many months before I was able to relax into it and become more confident.

I struggled with the latch for several days, spending literally hours in sweaty, anxious tears with a hungry, jaundiced DD hovering near the breast until a miraculous midwife sorted us out and gave me the confidence that yes, I could do it, despite what everyone else said, negative comments from 'helpful' family members, etc. I know I would have been very upset if it had not worked out and as I have tendency to dwell on/obsess about stuff I am sure that would have lingered on.

As it is I still have lingering feelings of inadequacy as after being induced 11 days post due date, my labour ended in an emergency c-section and I feel as though my body somehow failed to go through birth 'properly'. My point is I guess that we all have feelings of guilt/inadequacy about something. (I am currently feeling guilty for instance about getting impatient with DD who was pulling the phone out of the socket whilst I was on the phone to my boss earlier...) What I am trying to do though is to focus on the things I know I do well and accept that am not superwoman and no-one can be great at everything.

I hope that wasn't too long and that it makes sense to someone else other than me!

Thanks for your posts, everyone. Hope I haven't brought back too many bad memories for people.

e14mum, I so agree about ff in public! especially in situations where other mums are breastfeeding their babies. You want to have a sign round your neck saying "I tried my damnedest!" I was in Ikea the other day and asked if they minded if I sat and fed my baby at a seat by the checkouts (the only place I could find to sit). The woman there said "sure - do you want me to get a chair facing away from the room?" and I had to explain that I was ff so it didn't matter, which made me a bit sad.

hairtwiddler, I was a similar size to you (38k) and I think this was our biggest (no pun intended ) problem. No way my lo's could latch properly onto those monstrosities!

Turniphead1, I was the same as you - genuinely thought I wouldn't be bothered if BF didn't work this time round, as I can see that DD turned out alright. It was far worse this time though.

Meep, how odd that you were told off for getting your baby to feed by yourself - at my hospital I think they'd have just been so glad not to be buzzed Actually, immediately post-cs was the only time my 2 ever fed well. Both times made me think "brilliant, we'll be able to do it!" only to have them never feed properly again.

This thread rang so many chords with me: the guilt, desperately wanting people to know I'd tried, the reading about how it was the right thing to do (btw, anyone else want to throttle Charlotte Church for her comments right now?) and how I was condemning my child to idiocy, asthma, eczema, hayfever and obesity and hating myself for not trying more. The last one has been worse the longer time goes on - surely I could have fought a bit harder? But actually, I could have fought a bit harder but not much. Some people are able to do it easily. Some can do it with time. Some can't at all. Forgiving yourself is the hardest bit.

What doesn't help is the assumption that given the facts we will somehow all bf. I knew "how" to do it. I knew why. No one had told my jaundiced, sleeping, arm flailing baby though. I didn't stop in the face of all the facts but because I didn't have the support. When it takes 2 people to get a decent latch, you're out of your mind with tiredness and shock, what are you supposed to do? The Department of Health can recommend bf for 6 months all it likes but they're not there when your child is throwing up your blood at 2 a.m. Or when the bf counsellor won't come out to you. Or when the midwives all tell you you're doing fine (we weren't).

I guess I haven't forgiven myself yet. I'm terrified of having another baby and failing again. But it gets easier. DD, incidentally, is well, happy, a bit chubby and absolutely the most gorgeous person on earth. That helps. It also helps to know I'm not alone.

Sorry, long rant, issues to resolve! BTW, what actually constitutes successful bf? A day, a week, a month, a year? Tricky one...

and if there were real resources in hospitals and aftercare and things were changed, then the balance would tip and people would see ffing for what it is, a bloody brilliant lifesaving tool for when bfing doesn't work out. no shame there, but none of can help how we feel.

i certainly felt a lot better when weaning started as i felt like i was back on a normal journey, but recently dd has got old enough to really play with her dollies and the sight of her automatically feeding the baby doll with a bottle is oddly upsetting for me. i've really tried to tell her that milk used to come out of my breasts and to encourage her to look at friends bfing, and i have recently seen her sticking her baby up her jumper 'like vincent's mum does' which is GREAT but also a bit weird for me as it rather underlines the fact that i'll be useless at helping her if she ever does want to bf her own children. ach, i'm rambling now... but yes, tinkjon, it would appear that i'm not quite over it.

You bloody won't be useless at helping her, Aitch.

After all you've been through and everything you now know, she couldn't be in better hands.

So there, missus.