Anybody still not got over breastfeeding failure?

[Tinkjon]

I couldn't breastfeed my children who are now 5yo and 8mo (don't really want to get bogged down in the reasons, it just didn't work for us). I was distraught at the time and felt horribly guilty about it but I'd managed to let it go to some extent. The other day DD asked why I didn't give DS "milk from my breasts anymore" and I just burst into tears. BFing was not an enjoyable experience for us at all, so I am definitely happier in some respects, but I still feel so sad about not being able to do it. Anybody else?

yes, but it's not the same as having done it myself, iykwim? but thanks though, that was kind of you vlc.

Aitch, on my course there are childless women and so is my boss, it doesn't stop them being able to help new mums. It's far better to have someone who didn't BF but is supportive than to have (you see it around MN everyday) a MIL or mother that tells you horror stories or tries to put you off.

You'll make sure that she gets all the help she needs, because you won't want her to miss out so you'll nag her HCPs! You'll tell her how brilliant she's doing when she's not sure if it's going well. So what if you won't know what to look for? You'll have read all the books and be comparing the pictures! But you know what? It's all far more helpful than a lot of women on here get.

Blueydragon - I would term successful bf as when the mother has bf for an unspecified amount of time and she and/or baby is comfortable/happy with stopping (for whatever reason). I have seen posts on MN where there has been some implied criticism of women who have 'only' bf for 3 days, weeks, months, whatever. This only contributes to the pressure of women setting themselves certain 'targets' which they then feel that they have 'failed' at if they don't reach that time. For each mother and baby who have bf their bf story will be different and content to stop at different times. I don't know anyone in RL who have identical bf histories.

Pixie - I emailed you and it bounced. Have tried again.

tiktok- because there are underscores in the email addy the board software messed it up. My email is heather underscore tai underscore isaf at yahoo dot co dot uk

I know - I sent it to the correct address and it still bounced.

you could leave it as a comment on the blog if you want as i moderate all comments anyway

BlueyDragon, that's so right about the midwives tell you you're doing fine when you know you aren't - that really bugged me too!!!

I no longer feel guilty that I couldn't but do often wonder what it would have been like.. DD couldn't latch on and I couldn't even express (not a drop) so after 3 days I gave up... (have inverted nipples which didn't help, but I even went to breast feeding classes beforehand and was told that it wouldn;t be a problem - well it was..

I think it is made worse by the fact that I ended up with a General Anth CS so don't feel that I gave birth or breastfeed DD!...

But as I said, I don't feel guilty and when I look at DD (now 4.4) I know that I have done my best for her since...

Tinkjon - Ds1 was bf for 10 days, it tore me up when I switched to ff (as I really felt a failure) so with ds2 was determined to bf once I realised that it was possible to have a section and bf successfully afterwards.

From birth to 8 wks it was MN that kept me going (with the odd call to a BF line) then when I was physically able to I made it to a BF support group in tears because I felt not very a good breastfeeder and the support I got there was good, though emotionally I was in turmoil and a month ago I decided after much thought I decided to wind down on the bfeeding because though I was following advice I still was in turmoil, so I mix fed for a few weeks and now it's ff and expressing, so ds2 has one bottle of bf in the day until the milk dwindles.

Mentally I feel heaps better, though there is a part of me that will always be sad if I think about it too much because this time I did get bfeeding established but once there I was still pretty second rate at it.
It got to the point where I wrote down my problems for the bf counsellor because I couldn't face crying as I spoke about it (no idea if she did read her mail in the end) but anwyay, the way I look at it now is that I did what I could,the boys need a mummy not a broken crying sap (having pnd hasn't helped)and made me feel worse hearing that often mothers who have pnd feel that bfeeding is something they can do that makes them feel ok (complete opposite for me and I felt terribly guilty about it) anyway feel like I am armed with lots more knowledge etc so can always be an ear or try help friends/family if they need support in the future.
I also try hard to think of the bigger picture, e.g immunisations have importance to me, good food when he starts weaning, discipline when he is older, and tons of love and security etc.

I completely relate though.

Aitch - my mum BF me to 12 months (unusual in 1974) and my brother for 6 months. But she was hopeless when it came to my BF problems as she had never experienced any difficulties herself. You might find that you have a bit more empathy should the situation arise

I am very anxious because I failed to BF my DS despite thinking it was the normal thing to do, despite having read up about it before, and despite having loads of help (later on though). And now I am pregnant with DC2 and I can't help thinking what if it just because I am so stupid and clumsy? I am a bit ham fisted at times and maybe that won't change this time round? But I am going to approach this birth and first few days so differently. NO fecker is going to take my baby away to weigh, poke and dress. NOBODY is going to grab my baby or my breasts and try and force the two together. NOBODY is going to be able to give me crap, outdated, bollocky advice because this time I am armed with lots of information and the might of the LLL behind me

Martha, I had none of the problems associated with BF after a c/section. I was worried about it beforehand (I knew I was having a cs) but I didn't find it a problem at all - I never found it painful to BF in any of the normal positions and it never hurt my wound at all. The only problem I found was that milk often takes a little longer to come in after a cs. I think I'm not so sad about not BF DD because she had to be given some special fluid thingy at birth (I was diabetic and she had very low blood sugar) so there was no choice about delaying the first foreign protein because it happened at birth anyway. Also I expressed almost every feed for her for about 2 months so I know she got a good whack if my milk anyway. But that wasn't an option second time around when I already had DD to look after (unless you've been there, you would not believe the amount of time it takes washing and sterilising and expressing a whole day's worth of feeds when you can only get about an oz every hour!)
Aitch, I agree about you being a tremendous help to your DD! Don't be down on yourself Besides, they're all going to ignore our advice later like we do with our mums and MILs

LOL, you GO GIRL!. the very best of luck to you, PL.

oh, and thanks tinkjon. i do hope so. my mum never had any problems and was fairly unusual in the 70s for bfing but she was also v quick to come out with 'it doesn't matter'. which IT DOES.

tiktok- thanks for the comments- they make total sense. 8lb 8oz to 7lb 9oz was much more than a 10% drop and something should have been picked up sooner

i did have skin to skin with her after birth but she slept most of the next 24 hrs although i did feed her. Lack of help at home and dealing with a toddler so i couldn't just sit with baby probably exacabated things if its like you say (which I am inclined to agree with you when i think back to her feeding)

Thank you for the comment

Glad to help, Pixie.

The point is that you do not need to feel 'inadequate' or a 'failure' - none of this was your fault at all. We'll never know whether better help would have overcome your difficulties, but it looks that way once you get down to the details, and all you needed was minimum care - basic stuff, that's not controversial or arcane knowledge that only a few gurus can have!

I come across many instances of unhappy breastfeeding that can be tracked back to the early days. I hate it when mothers are clearly at risk - as you were, with a baby who'd lost a lot of weight and with a toddler to care for which meant you had less time to sit and feed, feed, feed - and they are told everything is fine and just to carry on.

And then it's the mothers who feel crap when things go pear shaped

BTW, Pixie and I are talking about my comments on her blog - just to confuse everyone

Tiktok- I've spoken to my lactation consultant and she agrees in part with you although she also mentioned other things that have occured to her for various reasons but mainly because my lactation problems haven't rectified and I am still running on half power so to speak.

Your observations have actually made me feel better though as I know that it wasn't totally my fault so to speak

Pixie, I have read your blog again and you are awesome - not just for sticking with the whole thing but by being so determined to try anything (I mean, those nursing supplementers are a PITA....). I now note you were anaemic (as a result of your underlying blood condition) - this can deffo have an effect on milk supply.

Glad I made you feel better. You know in your head nothing was your fault...as time goes on, you'll feel it in your heart, too.

tiktok- I'm not awesome- in my mind I just had no choice

Pixie - I think you are awesome. I feel very strongly about bf now but I don't know if I would have had the strength and determination to carry on with things the way you have.

You're an inspiration to me, and make me even more determined to carry on bf for as long as I can / DS is interested! (16 weeks and counting - and on our first noticeable growth spurt!)

ChairmumMiaow- i am not awesome at all- like i said to tiktok i just had no choice

tiktok, I'm so glad you've said that anaemia can affect milk supply. We kept telling everyone at the hospital when dd was being subjected to endless tests as she was consistenly losing weight that I was really anaemic and noone seemed to think it was relevant. Finally we found a fantastic bf counsellor who is giving us tons of support and believes that the anaemia was probably the cause of our problems. If only I'd known!!

Pixie, I know what you mean about having no choice - I feel just the same and without describing my problems with bf here (which were considerable, but not in the same category of difficulty that you experienced), I felt very strongly that I had no choice but to breastfeed, almost at any price. It's why I am sad for mothers who experienced something of this non-negotiable 'pull' and end up giving formula - they can be very hurt and angry, as this thread shows.

Not everyone feels as strongly as this, of course.

I think I was awesome, now, and I think you were even more awesome I think there are a lot of awesome mothers!

It is awesome to feel something strongly on behalf of another human being and to fight and struggle for it, and then to have the insight you did, to talk about it on your blog (which I note has many more hits on it now!)

Pixie's ourbreastfeedingstory.blogspot.com/blog is worth a read.

is a discussion on the way anaemia can affect breastfeeding.

This is, IMO, one of the reasons why every mother and baby should stay very close after the birth and throughout the early days (at least) - because that helps combat some of the circumstances we can't control, like anaemia, like the sort of birth she had, like relatives and others undermining her etc etc etc.