Page 7 | who *isn't* ashamed to admit using formula?

LookingForwardToSummer · 2008-04-30T10:42:08+00:00

feeling crap after reading the 'exclusive breastfeeding' thread! i find bf really hard and have set myself the target of 5 months, i intend to feel very proud that i went that long and then use formula happily! i can't be the only one! all the stats show low bf rates - so where is everyone?

kiskideesameanoldmother · 30/04/2008 14:38

agree with aitch. this title thread presupposes that the ohter title was for bfing mums to pat themselves on their backs.

I (who have not posted on the other thread) saw it as a way of doing a survey of how prevalent or not exclusive bfing is as compared to giving formula.

it is not about guilt, shame, smuggery or one-man-up-ship.

Fwiw, dd has had formula. In hospital because the midwives were so rubbish at helping me initiate breastfeeding that she ended up jaundiced. (It sounds similar to your experience Milamae.) later on by 'choice' because i was hoping it would 'give me a break'. I found it didn't as she didn't drink the damn thing any faster than bfing and I still had to wash the effing bottles afterwards.

I am not ashamed that she had formula, I have gone from confused to angry to thank god she didn't end up in scbu for the ignorance of people whose job it was to help her and me initiate bfing properly.

nickytwotimes · 30/04/2008 14:39

Great post MrsMattie. Very well put!
I used formula from week 2 du eto awful bfing experience. I sobbed for days but got over it. I wasn't ashamed to use formula, but I wasn't proud either, like I would be if I managed to bf, IYKWIM?

AitchTwoCiao · 30/04/2008 14:39

oh, and wrt to the idea that there are lots of things we should be doing, eating exc organic, never shouting at our kids etc etc etc, why are these put up as unachievable and lined up alongside bfing? that's a cop-out. if i managed to be the sort of person who never shouted at my dd (i amn't) then i could feel justifiably and rightly proud of that, no? or should i think 'oh no, i might get accused of smuggery on MN, i must make sure i fuck things up a bit in order to be deemed normal'. cos that's fucking NUTS.
that other thread about formula stung me a bit, but that's because I would have liked to have been better at bfing, not because they were doing anything wrong by being better at it than me.

misdee · 30/04/2008 14:39

hunker, your back!!!

xxxxxxxx

(hijack)

can you send me some of your determination please in nov? have a feelig i wil get dx with gd again soon.

nickytwotimes · 30/04/2008 14:40

I mean the pregnancy/birth one.

kayzisexpecting · 30/04/2008 14:41

I was more ashamed of continuing to try to BF when it was obvious DS wasn't getting anything from it and not giving in sooner and giving him formula.

smallwhitecat · 30/04/2008 14:42

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Original poster

LookingForwardToSummer · 30/04/2008 14:42

Gosh, I didn't think people would get so cross when I started this thread!

Hunker - maybe it would be useful to find out where support is good / bad? Here in norfolk I had amazing support. A breastfeeding workshop, 3 nights in hosp with lots of help from mw's getting dd to latch on and once home several hour+ visits from bf counsellor. nobody ever mentioned formula - I had to plead with them to give her some in the hospital after she had screamed for 48 hours and i was at my wits end. they would only do it once and by syringe.

for me bf is hard because I live in a rural area along way from everything so an hour feeding in every three makes it v hard to do anything else - I'd go barmy if I did that for a year!

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Original poster

LookingForwardToSummer · 30/04/2008 14:42

Gosh, I didn't think people would get so cross when I started this thread!

Hunker - maybe it would be useful to find out where support is good / bad? Here in norfolk I had amazing support. A breastfeeding workshop, 3 nights in hosp with lots of help from mw's getting dd to latch on and once home several hour+ visits from bf counsellor. nobody ever mentioned formula - I had to plead with them to give her some in the hospital after she had screamed for 48 hours and i was at my wits end. they would only do it once and by syringe.

for me bf is hard because I live in a rural area along way from everything so an hour feeding in every three makes it v hard to do anything else - I'd go barmy if I did that for a year!

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kiskideesameanoldmother · 30/04/2008 14:43

I agree as well with hunk that that while we bleat on about 'choice' it drowns out the lack of choice women have when it comes to breastfeeding.

78% of women in England and Wales chose to initiate bfing in 2005. At 6 wks only half were still doing any amount of breastfeeding. 90% of those who had stopped bfing wanted to breastfeed for longer.

There is a lot of disappointment, physical and emotional pain, resentment and anger out there. Those are the women I care for because I so almost did not breastfeed much past 2 weeks what with the crap HV who told me that because dd was still under her birth weight I had to give formula. It was the only feeding advice she ever gave me.

hunkermunker · 30/04/2008 14:43

The current way of promoting bf means women are told about it being best - about the "benefits of bf" - while pregnant.

So they buy into it - they're going to breastfeed.

The birth is often something that it's hard to look beyond when you're pg anyway - particularly first time - understandably so.

Then once the baby's born, it all goes, well, tits up.

And you end up with a situation where women feel like they ought to have prepared better - but most women trust HCPs to tell them the right thing, so why would they know they had to prepare to do something that is, after all, "natural"?

My feeling is very much that if the language used to describe breastfeeding and formula feeding was reversed (ie you didn't talk about the benefits of breastfeeding, you talked about the risks of artificial feeding), more women would realise how important it was to breastfeed and not view formula as breastmilk, but in a handy carton.

But talking like this is upsetting for those who've had their choices stomped all over in the past - and upset women are pretty vocal (and they have formula companies putting the "don't let anyone make you feel guilty" message out there - you really think all those clueless posters on their forums are real mums? Do me a favour) - so people who do say this stuff get shouted down.

hunkermunker · 30/04/2008 14:47

{{{Misdee Email me?}}}

MilaMae · 30/04/2008 14:48

Hunker I'll try to answer your question as you do seem genuinely interested.

I personally felt no guilt when switching to formula both times, with my twins then with dd. When dd was born the twins were 15 months With all of them I just physically, mentally and practically cope with it anymore, if the truth be told I hated it too. 6 weeks was a major achievement for me.

The truth is all my rl friends were lovely and supportive, many of them bfeed. The only time I ever had any adverse comments or felt a few pangs of guilt was when I read some of the slightly unpleasant posts I've read on here.

This is obviously foolish as I did my best, it soon disappears though when I look at my lovely healthy formula fed dc.

Original poster

LookingForwardToSummer · 30/04/2008 14:49

mrsmattie i think you've hit the nail on the head!

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hunkermunker · 30/04/2008 14:50

You know if this doesn't get sorted out, if we don't go, "Look, I had a SHIT time, I am GUTTED I didn't bf as long as I wanted, I'm grieving the bf relationship I was sold when pg but never had" then this time next year, there'll be a whole nother load of women with the exact same knotted gnawing regret in the pits of their stomachs, saying the exact same things about being made to feel guilty and feeling wretched.

And it's not their fault. You wouldn't expect to drive a car without ever having seen one driven or a driving instructor to help you work it out. You certainly wouldn't be expected to have lessons in the first half hour after giving birth. Why do we expect so much from women, then stand back and watch them fail?

We're all responsible for making it better.

misdee · 30/04/2008 14:51

hunker have emailed your hotmail.

Original poster

LookingForwardToSummer · 30/04/2008 14:52

but hunker, maybe not all women do feel bad about not bf?

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kayzisexpecting · 30/04/2008 14:53

But what do we do Hunker? If like me like many people who have trouble BF and the HV just fobs you off?

hunkermunker · 30/04/2008 14:53

No, and I'm clearly not talking about the ones who don't. I'm happy for them. I just wish they wouldn't come along and fuck about with the ones who aren't happy about it and never will be, however many people trill happy mummy, happy baby at them vacuously.

kiskideesameanoldmother · 30/04/2008 14:56

MrsMattie, one reason ff is not discussed in antenatal class is because FF should be done on a 1 to 1 basis with the mother in her own home. Formula feeding has acknowledged health risks so the health service has to be careful to address the mother for her very individual situation. We cannot assume for example that every mum will have a steriliser. Many many mothers in the higher risk groups who will probably end up formula feeding may have to be shown exactly how to make up a bottle of formula and how to wash the bottle lids and teats properly for example.

Besides, women, no matter how intelligent, in an antenatal class can hardly see past giving birth. I am pg with my 2nd and can't see giving birth. Small chance for them to remember the details about feeding. I didn't.

kayzisexpecting · 30/04/2008 14:58

No one ever showed us how to wash a bottle or make formula. My HV said it would be best if we got a sterliser but we didn't need it.

hunkermunker · 30/04/2008 15:00

Read about it, read books, read websites, read news articles. But don't avoid reading about formula as well - for me, knowing the risks was something that spurred me on to keep breastfeeding.

Ask questions from people who know about bf, either on here, on my blog - look at the Post Here tab at the top or in RL.

Talk about your concerns. Don't assume that because you had a bad experience last time, you'll naturally have a bad experience again.

And expect more from your midwives and HVs. Don't let yourself be fobbed off. Heck, maybe I should get a job challenging loopy midwife/HV/GP advice - I know it's hard when you're sleep deprived and sore and it'd help to have a well-informed (ahem) Rottweiler on the case.

Dolorescat · 30/04/2008 15:00

Hunker and Aitch

Who's telling anyone what to choose? Most women want to breastfeed. They tell us this themselves.

Depressed mums don't need to be told they have to ff to feel better either. It can make depression far worse to be forced to ff, in fact.

There is no need to be rude. Some women of course feel depressed if they cannot establish or maintain bf and they need support to feed in the way that they want to. But some women feel drained by bf or simply don't want to do it, and alot of the bf discussions can make them feel guilty about this. That is the only point I was making.
breast feeding is a commitment. If you don't want to make the commitment you shouldn't feel pressurised into it. Some times I think there is a lot of pressure to bf, and maybe it's not for everyone.

Original poster

LookingForwardToSummer · 30/04/2008 15:02

dolorescat yes! exactly!

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kayzisexpecting · 30/04/2008 15:02

I am going to read up on it this time round. I just expected to get help from MW, HVs etc as it says in the books to ask them for help. I refuse to read about formula. I just cant and dont want to.