I’m so angry with myself

[Summermeadowflowers]

Just a bit of a rant.

When I had DS, feeding was a complete fiasco and I don’t think he ever managed a successful breastfeed. It was really upsetting and I spent a fortune trying to
‘fix’ it.

With this baby I decided I would try to breastfeed but just not get upset if I couldn’t. Only that isn’t what’s happened, mostly because unlike DS she can and will breastfeed but not very effectively and again I’ve fallen into the same stupid trap of paying a small fortune to people to help only it just doesn’t. And I still have a baby who hates breastfeeding.

I just feel like such a failure.

Sounds really hard. Have you got any breastfeeding support groups such as an NCT one? There should be some free groups out there which do classes and 1:1 sessions. What about your health visitor? They should be able to help. Combi feeding might be an option too if you want to.

We do but realistically if she won’t feed then no amount of support is going to make any real difference.

I had to go back to the hospital for a repeat test today and saw a woman just feed her newborn. Literally just latched him on and that was it. It felt like seeing a rarely sighted animal where you know they exist but haven’t seen one in the wild!

You're not a failure it is hard! I struggled with both of mine to start with as they had tongue tie and even after getting it cut it took a few months to settle in and for it to get easier. Especially with big boobs that make getting a good position harder.

Not enough is said about how difficult it can be. I think it's normal for most mums to struggle at first. It isn't a reflection on you.

I think you need to decide whether you feel its worth it to continue. I got a lot of help and it definietly did make a difference.

But if you've reached the end of your road and can't take it anymore don't feel bad.

The main thing is suggest if you do want to keep trying is a proper tongue tie assessment if you haven't already. Not just midwife/peer supporter checking. Mine were both missed by people who should have known better until we were referred to the TT clinic.

Go to tescos and get formula. That's what i did. Life is too short for this crap!

I was the same as you, exactly the same, with my first - it was a total disaster. I threw money at it and saw FIVE lactation specialists and nobody was able to help. I ended up depressed and cried every single day.

The difference with my second was that I did the same as you - said I would try and if it didn't work I would leave it at that. And it didn't. And I left it at that.

I'm honestly not encouraging you to stop if you don't want to, but give yourself permission to stop if you need to. I literally tried on day one and it was never going to work (to be fair, he had such a bad tongue tie that the nurse said she didn't think he would even be able to bottle feed - it was totally pinned) so I just... stopped. He had the tongue tie cut on day three and we happily formula fed. He was happy, I was happy and relaxed and I was just so so glad not to feel the pressure all over again.

Breastfeeding is wonderful for so many reasons, but it just doesn't work for everyone not matter how hard you try. And it's absolutely fine to formula feed for ANY reason.

I wish I could just say yes sure, formula feed. And I feel I will ultimately have to because I’m shit at breastfeeding. I just wish the choice wasn’t taken from me yet again.

As an aside, I was in hospital quite a bit when pregnant with my third and a woman came in to my ward who had been admitted four times with her newborn, because he wouldn't feed and his weight was dropping. She was in absolute bits, physically and mentally about it and the nurses were bandying about the awful 'failure to thrive' phrase. The poor mum was beside herself and so desperately trying to breastfeed.

Honestly, that woman could not have tried harder. She gave it her all. But at some point she just needed to buy a box of formula and move on.

You're not "shit at breastfeeding", it can be hard. Some people are lucky and it's easy, some people work at it and get there eventually, and some people formula feed. All of those things result in babies that are fed, which is the aim. Do whatever works best for you.

Oh I get you. I'm shit at breastfeeding. I've failed at it three times! Well the second I didn't really try, but I got back on the horse with my third because it was my last chance. It did go slightly better but only with sheilds and special positions and after another tongue tie snip (all my babies had them) it all went sideways and I had to stop, she was a small baby anyway and I had two other children under 5 who needed looking after. The midwife said if she lost one more once I would have to go back into hospital and I went and bought formula that afternoon.

It's ok though, I failed at that and I've failed at loads of other parenting stuff along the way. I've succeeded at more things though and that's all we can do. You don't need to die on this hill, there's loads of other parenting stuff you'll probably be amazing at!

*ounce not once!

I know that in twelve months time it probably won’t matter but right now it does. And I hate bottle feeding. I hate the faff and the sick.

I wish I knew why she hates breastfeeding!

Not all baby's get on with bf I've had 5 and not one of them took to it don't put ur self down it's not ur fault u have tried and that's all u can do

Sorry to hear you're going through a hard time. Breastfeeding can be quite tough for some and even when you've "mastered" it, it can all change and you'll be trying something again.
You have probably tried but I'll mention anyway, have you tried various positions?
When I was trying to feed DD, I was struggling with the standard position everyone tries so for the first few months I fed her in the rugby hold. It worked and then as she got bigger and I got more confident I started trying the standard across chest position and it started getting better.
Throughout her 12 months of bf'ing, we had to try a variety of positions when she was teething or just deciding she was more interested in everything else.
I'm now bf'ing DS and that was tough as he was in NICU tube fed for 11 days and I just kept trying as I didn't want the faff of formula. He's 7 months now and going through his "everything is so much more interesting phase" but I'm glad I persevered.

I watched a lot of videos with DD and just tried anything I could to get a good latch. I don't even think her latch was perfect but she gained weight and we fed for 12 months.
Good luck x

I’ve tried watching videos but it just seems to assume the baby will latch. DD can only latch with shields and she often knocks them off then gets angry and frustrated. I’m also not confident she gets much from the breast: she soon comes off and starts crying. She just really seems to hate breastfeeding (I know this isn’t really accurate but it is how it feels!)

I have been expressing for her but I know I’m not going to be able to meet her needs this way.

It is hard and takes time. It took about 10 weeks for me to get the hang of it with my first. I spent hours in the kellymom website trying to find solutions. We did crack it in the end though I think for some it just isn’t as instinctive or natural as for others! She won’t hate it … I hope it gets better for you soon.

It’s so hard because I’m losing confidence. I don’t want to give up when she isn’t even two weeks but equally I do have to feed her, so I really have no idea. Devil and deep blue sea. I guess I’ll just have to try to express as much as I can but it is so tiring and time consuming and I already feel like I’ve barely seen DS.

Expressing can affect your supply as it’s not so effective as the baby sucking, and the less she goes to feed herself the less likely you are to get things going. Which is all fine of course but not sure how you feel about it.

This isn’t meant snappily, @HaPPy8 , but then what do you suggest I do, given she won’t breastfeed?

well it depends on the specific issue I guess- is she not latching, fussing, not feeding long enough, not getting any milk…. So I guess first thing would be identify specific issue which may need help from professional and then I as I said I found the kellymom website helpful with multiple issues I had, have you had a look there?

but also nothing wrong in expressing or bottle feeding - I just meant the things you said are more likely to lead to more issues so depends how you feel about that.

https://kellymom.com/

this website.

The kellymom website actually says the opposite of your post here

That maintaining milk supply is crucial and that a baby should never be starved into feeding.

Ok ☺️

So much pressure on women to bf - yes bottle feeding is a pain in the arse but my god I sobbed with gratitude at never having to bf again. It was a miserable experience. You’re right about it becoming irrelevant in a few months - mine are teens now and I never give it a second thought!

It isn’t as important as it was but I do find it hard to think about DS early days to be honest. I wish I could just shrug and say it doesn’t matter but honestly - it does matter to me. It matters a lot.