I’m so angry with myself

[Summermeadowflowers]

Just a bit of a rant.

When I had DS, feeding was a complete fiasco and I don’t think he ever managed a successful breastfeed. It was really upsetting and I spent a fortune trying to
‘fix’ it.

With this baby I decided I would try to breastfeed but just not get upset if I couldn’t. Only that isn’t what’s happened, mostly because unlike DS she can and will breastfeed but not very effectively and again I’ve fallen into the same stupid trap of paying a small fortune to people to help only it just doesn’t. And I still have a baby who hates breastfeeding.

I just feel like such a failure.

@PumpkinSoup21 she just can’t seem to latch on. Sometimes (before the shields) she could eventually but even this got less reliable.

I got the lactation consultant out at seven days old and she suggested the shields, she also helped me position DD. But she seems to become so frustrated so quickly and it reminds me of DS. She’s off and on and on and off and sometimes she’ll apparently be feeding well and then suddenly start crying for no discernible reason and it’s hard to calm her down, especially as she can smell the milk on me but even giving her to DH doesn’t work. It’s at least partly a confidence thing as I think we are both approaching feeds with trepidation and dread. Bottles - whether expressed or formula - seem so much more trustworthy somehow but ideally it isn’t what I want.

My daughter was very similar in being unable to maintain a latch. I couldn't feed outside the house and couldn't understand how these other babies JUST STAYED ON!?!? completely awful and very stressful. Have you checked for a lip tie? Tongue tie is usually checked for but lip tie not so much. That's why my LO couldn't maintain a latch. Might not be the case for yours but I completely understand how you are feeling. Big hugs x

You haven’t been honest with yourself. You said that you would give it a try and if it didn’t work, you’d go to bottle feeding but you’re more invested than you ever said you would be. This is important to you, you’ve said so in your posts. So start with being honest to yourself, why is it important? If you work out why it’s important, the man you can work out what is the appropriate level of investment before seeing reward. Be aware that hormones also do funny things too.

I’d said I’d try breastfeeding DD and if it didn’t work, I wouldn’t push it. I ended up triple feeding - breastfeeding with a baby that struggled to latch and had to use shields, expressing and topping up with formula. We got readmitted to hospital because she’d lost too much of her birth weight. I wasn’t true to what I’d said that if it wasn’t working, I’d stop. I triple fed for 5 weeks. I stopped on Christmas Day because she was mostly having formula by then anyway and I wanted to just eat and drink what I wanted. On Boxing Day I went to breastfeed her again and there was just this overwhelming feeling of dread, I couldn’t start that whole cycle again. I wanted to enjoy feeding my baby and this wasn’t happening with breastfeeding. As I’d not really been honest with myself (or hormones had changed something) I felt like such a failure. I wasn’t and it’s such a stupid thing to think.

I’m not saying you need to stop but you acknowledged that in a years time it won’t matter. Which is certainly how I feel about breastfeeding. There is the common thing that breastfeeding is hard but it can completely drain you mentally and physically. I was feeding every 3 hours and the feeding routine would take just under 2 hours. It doesn’t leave you time to recuperate. It really heightened those feelings of being a failure because I was putting so much into it, at the expense of myself and it was just getting worse, not better.

As someone who ended up with hideous, crippling PND – suicide attempt, near-hospitalisation, the works – triggered by desperately trying to breastfeed despite the fact that it wasn’t working for me or for my baby, all I can say is that for some of us, it just isn’t an option, and there is no point trying to bully yourself into it. There are so many aspects to being a mum. Some of them will come easily to you. Some of them will feel hard. Some of them will be impossible, and you just won’t get it at all. Feeding is just one of them. Allow yourself to let it go and focus your energies on the other ones.

Best advice on this thread.

This was me I also felt so gutted like my body was failing me.

I was pumping and trying to use shields and both me and baby were stressed and no time to do anything else at all! The LCs make you feel like you're just not trying hard enough :-(

I felt such a relief when I stopped trying and I now still express a couple of times a day so baby gets a little breast milk but exclusively bottle feed and he sleeps well and is happy and we have time to go to baby classes and see friends and enjoy life and cuddles!

Regarding latch, have you tried feeding her when you're reclined back, so that if she finds the speed of the milk letdown too fast, then gravity helps make it less overwhelming for her.

How about doing skin to skin while feeding her?

I totally empathise with you OP, I had a hellish time getting breastfeeding established with all three of mine. All tongue tied which we had snipped, and a noticeable improvement when they got to 6wks and tiny mouth bigger so easier to feed.

The kellymom website is really helpful. Have you tried looking for a IBCLC lactation consultant near you? https://lcgb.org/find-an-ibclc/ I used one with baby 3 and she was amazing at helping with positioning and getting baby to feed effectively.

Congratulations on your new arrival. I'm sorry feeding has been so hard so far. I'm not trained or anything, just sharing my experiences. Take or leave any advice.

1st time baby struggled to latch so I pumped and bottle fed, managing about 1 feed at the breast per 24hrs, although sometimes we went a few days without managing any. Sometimes needed formula but took fenugreek supplements to up my supply. Took about 8 weeks until majority of feeds were at the breast. Had 2 tongue tie divisions that made no difference. Used nipple shields for the entire 22 months I breastfed them.

2nd time same latch struggles, tongue tie divided, lots of pain, lots of sessions where we spent a hour trying to latch. Sometimes used nipple shields. Currently going ok at 9 weeks in.

Skin to skin was really helpful. To feed, and to pump, and to relax before a feed so I didn't go into it with anxiety.
For pumping get the right flange size so you're maximising what you express. Get a wearable pump so you can spend time with your older child.
A 2nd pair of hands really helped. My husband would hold their arms out of the way to to help me get them in a good position. Rugby hold and cross cradle were my go-to.

I totally get the decision being for you and your baby. I couldn't have given a crap about what others thought I should be doing. I just knew for my own mental health I needed to have given it my best shot.

It’s really encouraging to read that some babies just take a few weeks to be able to latch on properly. I understand that some people would prefer to just formula feed but this isn’t ultimately what I want.

OP I understand you want to BF, ultimately what I want your baby wants fed, BF isn't for us all, I fed 3 out of 4, no4 formula, a fed baby is best.

We do but realistically if she won’t feed then no amount of support is going to make any real difference.

^ your mindset is all wrong here. Go to group and let them help you. Don't give up without trying the free help!

It was important for me to breastfeed too but latch hurt like hell. I gave up trying nursing and switched to exclusive pumping. At first I couldn't produce enough, like at 3 weeks pp I only produced 2 bottles a day of breast milk. I persevered and at 5-6 weeks postpartum I managed to produce 100% of his milk intake. Baby is 6 months and it's still fed only breast milk and now solids. Exclusive pumping was not my first choice and it's not for everyone, but it's a choice that is working for me and allowed me to somehow breastfeed.
I found a goldmine of information on the website www.exclusivepumping.com and couldn't have made it without this website.
I also agree with @Wrongsideofpennines , having the right size of flanges is essential to have a good input, wearable pumps are a lifesaver, and support from partner is essential. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I haven't read the entire thread so forgive me if this has been asked but are you using aerosol deodorant or body wash with any fragrance? Also are you using zero fragrance laundry detergent? (Some babies are super sensitive to fragrance, and spray deodorant drifts and tastes horrible.)

We had a much better day today (yesterday really.) Ail is not (yet) lost.

Great news! You're doing amazingly.

Congratulations on your baby girl, I just wanted to say I have five children and four of them could breast feed and one was rubbish at it, one of the twins (not identical) just couldn't get the hang of it, made me really sore, I knew what to do but it just wasn't working so I switched to formula for both of the twins at a week old, if he had been my only baby I would likely have blamed myself, all babies are different and some are better at feeding than others. Having breast fed my first two for a year each I felt bad at first but the first year with my twins was the best of all of them, I was less tired, they were happy, they easily went to other people who wanted to help. I'm so glad I switched early on.

Apologies if this has been covered but you say she latches and then fusses unlatches? Does this coincide with your milk letdown? Any chance you have an overactive letdown and she just isn't coping with the speed or quantity of the milk?

Not sure @Whentwobecomesthree , I was more inclined to think she is impatient and wants it even faster but could be that.

it is still hit and miss. Currently expressing after giving her 30ml formula, she was feeding but then decided to start chomping her arm then got very upset that it didn’t give her milk so that was game over 😅I am hoping to phase the formula out though as I think it disagrees with her, that’s when her poo smells like vinegar.

The same thing happened to me with both my babies, my 4 month old is currently snoozing away next to me after being topped up with a nice big bottle of formula.

I found I accepted it much quicker the second time round. It's only you putting this pressure on you though. It's ok to stop trying to breastfeed if that's what you want to do.

But it isn’t what I want to do. If it was, I’d do it!

I can't imagine the stress on the babies from parents stressed themselves trying to BF, it must be less stressful just to FF the baby

Well, that’s why the advice I linked to earlier in the thread is not to try to force the baby, to keep maintaining milk supply and to use formula if needed.

I know there are some dogmatic views about infant feeding on both sides, and both are ultimately quite unhelpful. I’m not looking for a debate, feed your baby however you wish. But that needs to be extended both ways.

People are just trying to help and support you OP, but it seems like everyone is saying the 'wrong' thing to you. No need to be so prickly.

I ‘failed’ at BF both DC and while it devastated me at the time, I can honestly say that time has completely healed those thoughts. I have two lovely children and a really close relationship with both. If it doesn’t work out again, you will be okay and so will the baby. There are so many lovely milestones ahead, try to concentrate on those

So sorry you're feeling this way OP. My first had a tongue tie and the first 4 weeks of breastfeeding were a nightmare as she just didn't know how to latch and like yours would fuss at the breast. It was snipped at 4 weeks and slowly she got better at latching and breastfeeding in general. If you manage to get to 8 weeks breastfeeding becomes really easy. With my second I was shocked as she latched on right after being born - seemed like a magic baby! Some babies have strong sucking instincts and some just don't.

If you do want to keep trying, I'd try to avoid bottles as from your posts to me the issue seems to be your DD is a bit lazy with sucking. She could have a tongue tie (has she been assessed by TT clinic?) but you could be encouraging a preference to bottles by using these as they are easier. As I said, if you persevere for a few more weeks babies get much better at it. Just saying this in case you want to keep trying - obviously it's absolutely fine not to and you should do whatever is best for your situation. Don't feel defeated if you can as feeding is a very small part of your parenting journey xx