I’m so angry with myself

[Summermeadowflowers]

Just a bit of a rant.

When I had DS, feeding was a complete fiasco and I don’t think he ever managed a successful breastfeed. It was really upsetting and I spent a fortune trying to
‘fix’ it.

With this baby I decided I would try to breastfeed but just not get upset if I couldn’t. Only that isn’t what’s happened, mostly because unlike DS she can and will breastfeed but not very effectively and again I’ve fallen into the same stupid trap of paying a small fortune to people to help only it just doesn’t. And I still have a baby who hates breastfeeding.

I just feel like such a failure.

I’m not being prickly. I’m being perfectly polite: on occasions where I recognise tone could be misread I’ve explicitly said that I’m not snapping. In any case, I don’t think being told I’m stressing my baby out is helpful or supportive.

@Emilia35 she does have a slight tongue tie but the lactation consultant said it shouldn’t be stopping her feeding. She’s on the NHS wait list but we are considering having it done privately, the problem is the closest private place here is an awful trek.

But it isn’t what I want to do.
I understand it's your ideal to BF, but your baby's needs come first. She has to be fed, I do not understand this near obsession with BF I see on MN, however your baby is fed doesn't make you less of a mother.

Could be the tongue tie impacting her feeding. Try and chase with NHS to see if you can get it done quicker but if you have the funds then maybe private would be your best option.
A tongue tie can really impact a babies ability to latch properly and get as much milk as possible.

Fox and the moon on Instagram is a sleep consultant but she has lots of experience with tongue ties as her children had them, she also is now qualified breastfeeding support.
Lucy Webber IBCLC and milkmakingmama are also brilliant accounts for breastfeeding help that's free.

Definitely try any positions that she will latch in. Laidback, rugby hold, cross body but doing the "burger press", flipple. Anything to try and help her get a good latch.

I understand it's something you really want to do so perseverance is all you can do for now.
DS was in NICU tube fed for 11 days and had a bottle for 1 day. When he came out I just put him on and managed to get him to latch and he's been breastfeeding since, he's 7 months now.
I did breastfeed DD for 12 months so I had some confidence in what I was doing but I really didn't want to formula feed as it just seems faffy to me.
Before anyone jumps on me, I get that BF is not for everyone so no judgment but FF isn't for me so I was determined to BF DS!

I'm really glad you've had some better feeds with her. Well done on persevering.

Don't mean to patronise so ignore if you're already doing it, but with the bottles make sure you're doing paced feeds so when she does go on the breast the slower flow isn't so frustrating. My baby would do like 3 sucks then come off so I was told to do some gentle massage and hand express a little to get the milk let down and then latch them so they don't get frustrated waiting for it and come off/give up.

Thanks. It does feel a bit step forwards and step back still. She woke frantic for feeding, refused the breast so had to give her formula while my breasts are full to bursting. She also woke my toddler crying so sat up with toddler watching Mr Tumble and me expressing. The formula doesn’t agree with her either, her bottom is so sore hope the rest of the day is better.

Just jumping on to say you are amazing and you should be so proud of yourself. X

Random suggestion - have you tried feeding her in a warm bath? You definitely need a partner nearby to help but if she likes water it can be very relaxing and help her chill and find the latch.

I know it’s hard with a toddler but loads of lying in bed naked from the waist up will help! Preferably being fed lots of snacks and tons of water.

That’s a lovely post, thanks. Unfortunately she’s completely refusing the breast now is this the end?

She heard me 😅 she’s feeding now.

Sorry you are having a rough time.

One of mine had tongue tie and we had to pay privately.

All 3 just didn't open their mouths wide enough, all 3 improved after cranial osteopathy although a lot of people say it didn't help at all

Lots of babies have crap latches at two weeks old! They have little mouths, and weak sucks.

Obviously I don’t know what specific issues you are having, but I’d get a pump (and getting the right sized flange makes s huge difference here - wrong sized ones hurt and don’t suck well). I’d ask the ward/lactation consultant to teach you how to finger feed - you dip an NG tube into the expressed milk (or formula) and your baby sucks the other end taped to your little finger, and sucks up the milk like a straw. This strengthens their suck, as well as getting food into them.

I attempted to feed every 2-3 hours, and after half an hour on each side, gave 30mls expressed milk via finger-feed. DS gradually got better at getting the milk out, and we were able to drop the finger feeding altogether by about week 6.

Because its instinct its rare for a baby that young to completely refuse I think. So I would keep trying as long as you're happy to. You're doing really well to persist.

With you saying this morning she couldn't latch and you were full, maybe you need to express a little off to soften your breast. Too full and it will change your nipple shape, or try reverse pressure with your finger tips so she can get a good mouthful.

Thanks @Wrongsideofpennines . I’m trying to stay chilled about it but it is upsetting and frustrating for both of us.

She did manage to feed earlier - not hugely successful as she fell asleep and then when she did wake up only managed to feed for a fairly short while before crying but still managed it. This is what’s so hard to manage: she’ll sometimes seem to be feeding happily and then come off the breast and howl so piteously and she just can’t / won’t get back on again. Then it is game over for that feed.

I really hate giving her formula!

A few things in your posts jumped out at me and reminded me of my second baby.

Have you considered the possibility of allergies?

My youngest has CMPA and various other allergies and sounds similar to your baby - he would randomly become very unhappy when feeding, thrash around, sometimes get red and blotchy and very unsettled for no obvious reason, yet feed happily at other times - we later discovered that he was reacting to cows milk and his other allergens through my breast milk - poo that smells like vinegar (also very slimy poo) and a rash around his bum were classic symptoms for him.

He did also have a tongue tie which caused big issues with latching. He also really struggled maintaining a latch with shields. He had it cut at 2 weeks but still struggled until he was about 5/6 weeks and it gradually got better.

I also get how strong the need/urge to breastfeed is. So many people told me to ‘just’ formula feed but like you that isn’t what I wanted and I ended up feeding him for almost two years in the end.

One thing I found really helpful (especially during the really tough days and nights) was having people around me who were equally passionate about breastfeeding. I attended a breastfeeding support group and although none of our issues were solved there I made some great friends who just ‘got it.’

If she’s falling asleep without getting much of a feed I would strip her down to her nappy for feeds. It sounds awful but in the early days they can be very sleepy and need a bit of help to stay awake long enough to get their tummies full. Plus it helps with skin to skin.

Thanks @Bitterbum - I don’t really drink/eat dairy and the vinegary nappies are after formula, so I do think possibly there’s an intolerance to dairy but i suspect that’s formula rather than me.

Thanks for getting it. It is important to me.

I’ve been doing that since I had her @PumpkinSoup21 but it’s warm against my boobs so she falls asleep anyway!

if she’s needing a nipple shield to latch it sounds like the tongue tie is affecting her more than the LC thinks, that and the on and off would suggest that. Where are you? The TT practitioners list is not currently up to date (they’ve shut the list to fix their tech)so there may be someone more local than you think. Also tape the nipple shields on, saves the endless knocking off!

If she likes flow has anyone suggested an SNS, I fed my first for 15 months this way and the youngest for eight months until solids replaced the formula. Works really well if flow is slow especially as you can turn it on and off as needed. Breast compressions also helpful.

Also some positions compensate better for tongue tie like side lying and the koala hold has anyone supported you with these?

Just a few ideas to try

We have an appointment on 14th august so less than 2 weeks - hopefully we can survive until then.

Just wondering as you say you don’t eat/drink dairy- do you have a lot of soya based foods instead? My little boy also has a soya allergy (a lot of children who have CMPA also can’t tolerate soya) - it took us a while to work this out but his reactions to soy were just as bad if not worse than dairy!

if you ever want someone to moan to who gets it (sometimes I felt like I just needed someone to listen and commiserate without giving advice!) then my inbox is always open!

I don’t really to be honest. But I haven’t eaten much recently because I’ve been ill following the infected wound. And thank you 😊