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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Did you choose to bottle feed and why?

352 replies

Alexandersmummy · 15/01/2008 22:34

I am currently 40 wks + 5 days and want to bottle feed, as I did with my first but feel under increasing pressure to breast feed from midwife. I was just wondering if you bottle fed did you feel this pressure and how did you cope?
I know all the good reasons to breast feed but it's not for me, I feel uncomfy with it.
I'd really appreciate any comments!

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 24/01/2008 17:08

Can I just say there is a lady on my antenatal thread who also felt 'weird' with her other two wrt breastfeeding, she mentioned it on the thread and I encouraged her to give it a go, she knows I dont think any less of her either way and am very proud of her for even considering it.

I think that all Tiktok was trying to do was the same I did there, encourage and then if asked, offer advice, MM could have easily said she didnt ever want to consider it again because it wasnt for her and I would expect tiktok would've left it there.

I think it feeling 'weird' is also a very common reason for not bfing, and one that if the mother wants to, can often be overcome which is why people still encourage it.

Looby34 · 24/01/2008 20:08

Sabire - you may not feel like you are attacking me but can I say - I feel attacked. It seems you're implying I didn't continue breast feeding because it was the easiest option. I can categorically say that I stuck the pain out for longer than I would with anything else because I thought it was the right thing to do for my daughter. Let me spell it out for you, at hospital and at home - I didn't touch her unless she needed to be fed or changed, for fear she would wake and need feeding. As the feed time approached I became more and more anxious and by the time I gave up, I was crying every night because I was so miserable and in so much pain. As soon as I'd got over the 3 days of bad flu symptoms I experienced after stopping, I felt like 20 tonnes had been lifted off my shoulders. I started enjoying motherhood, smiling at my dd and cuddling her. I genuinely feel I would have ended up with pnd had I kept feeding - so you tell me - should I have risked that ??? I never thought that writing to a supposed support network would end in me feeling so upset.

Looby34 · 24/01/2008 20:11

IrishMammyto2 - can I just say - thank god for you xx. Someone speaking the language I can't seem to get across.

Idobelieveinfairies · 24/01/2008 20:19

I bottle-fed my first 3 children. I didn't want to breast feed. The 'need' to breast-feed just wasn't there for me. But after a week i really felt the 'need' to breast-feed and regretted not trying.

I made myself try breast-feeding my 4th child and loved it and did it for a year, it was great!

I then had twins and tried BF but couldn't. The pain was immense, not enough milk and they were bringing up blood which really put me off.

2nd set of twins didn't even attempt to BF.

So, just wanted to say the birth process may change your feelings towards breast-feeding, it's the hormones! so keep an open mind if you can

TheMuppetMuggle · 24/01/2008 20:23

I also felt bottle feeding was good for the my DD to bond with the other ppl in the family and not just me. I mean its good for daddy to bond with baby at feeding time to! and gives mummy a half hr break

tiktok · 24/01/2008 21:17

Irishmammy, I do understand how conflicted you feel.

But why are you afraid of a conversation like mine - you say you can't raise the topic for fear of a conversation like tiktok's. Why? What have I said that is in any way pressurising or offensive or dismissive of a mother's concerns and misgivings?

I never, ever give information on breastfeeding unless asked. I never ever comment on someone's feeding experience or choice unless asked. I might sometimes ask a question to clarify something, and if it feels right, when something is clarified, I might make a suggestion that someone might think about breastfeeding again....if someone feels pressured by that, then I respectfully suggest the pressure is coming from inside them.

Here's another scenario, based on several I have met on mumsnet and elsewhere.

Mother: I can't breastfeed because of XYZ [say, use of a medication, or because her mum couldn't, or because she thinks she is too young/old, or because she cannot imagine doing it away from home, or because she has had surgery]. Please give me information about formula.

Tiktok: XYZ does not mean you are not able to breastfeed. in fact, [information about why XYZ is not a concern]. Perhaps knowing this might help you think again about not breastfeeding.

Am I supposed to say nothing, in case that's interpreted as pressure?

tiktok · 24/01/2008 21:20

Irishmammy - where do I say breastfeeding is a rare phenomenon in the UK?? I think you have mixed me up with someone else. Almost 80 per cent of women start breastfeeding in the UK....but what is rare, is continuing to breastfeed with no other foods/formula beyond a few weeks.

Divastrop · 24/01/2008 21:47

i ff my last 4 children form birth.no pressure to bf,in fact i think only one MW asked if id thought about it when i was being induced with ds2.

the reason i didnt want to bf was because i did with ds1 for 6 weeks and i hated every second of it.looking back,its hardly surprising.it did not need to be as difficult as it was,but i was doomed from the start,and that one experience put me off trying again.

and i didnt feel the slightest bit of guilt untill a certain thread on here a few months ago(fish eyes were mentioned a few times)which had me wanting to run away a nd re-lactate(dd3 was 5 months at the time).

i do think that everybody should at least give it a try with their first baby,and i wish the sight of women bf in public was so normal nobody would give them a second glance

whoever said that ff isnt a PITA when going out etc-maybe not if you have a compliant baby(like my ds1 was)but its a huge pita when you get a fussy little b*er who will only drink out of certain teats/drink certain formula/refuses to drink ready made formula/will only drink hot milk.

JingleyJen · 24/01/2008 22:25

fascinating thread -
I find it really hard when talking about my views on breast feeding.

I think it is the right thing for every woman to try it - it may or may not work for them and the baby but I wish they would try it.

If I voice my point of view I am seen as adding pressure to the situation.

The vast majority of my friends who have bottle fed have been situations where some good quality support and help from people like Tiktok would have allowed them to continue to breastfeed.

A friend of mine was recently told by a midwife at the hospital before she left that her 3 week premature baby should be going 3-4 hours between breastfeeds - no wonder she is now sitting worried that because her baby isn't lasting that long between feeds that she isn't making enough milk to satisfy her child

Now I think Formula is an important thing and vital for the survival of babies whose Mums can't breastfeed. I don't think it should be on prescription as in some other countries and I do think Parents should be able to make the choice but I really believe it should be an informed choice.

My Mum always used to make me try new foods. "How can you say you don't like it if you have never tried it" I guess I have a similar view about breastfeeding.

Sabire · 25/01/2008 08:31

"Sabire - you may not feel like you are attacking me but can I say - I feel attacked."

It must be hard to have to listen to people talking about breastfeeding in the way I do if you don't want to/can't breastfeed. Personally if I was you I'd be disinclined to take part in discussions on the subject of feeding choices on internet boards if it made me feel victimised.

"It seems you're implying I didn't continue breast feeding because it was the easiest option."

Yes - I am. Early postnatal life can be hell. Sleeplessness, intense fear and confusion are part of the normal package (they were for me anyway). If breastfeeding is going badly then switching to bottles will make your life hugely easier, at least initially. I'm not criticising this - you do what you have to do at the time.

"I genuinely feel I would have ended up with pnd had I kept feeding - so you tell me - should I have risked that ???"

No - and I never said that anyone SHOULD breastfeed despite feeling overwhelmed and desperate. Nobody has said this. You might ask yourself why you feel as though people are making direct criticism of you and your choices, when in fact people are just talking generally about the value of breastfeeding and the need for women to get expert help with it?

From my point of view the fact that women are having experiences like yours is the STRONGEST reason for the rest of us to take breastfeeding seriously and acknowledge its importance. If we all take a laissez faire attitude on this and go around endlessly spouting 'give breastfeeding a go and if it doesn't work don't beat yourself up' platitudes then we're setting people up for awful experiences.

tiktok · 25/01/2008 09:48

Sabire, you have put it well.

The way babies are fed is important - not just for them as individuals, but as a public health measure to give us all a healthy society....and we all benefit from that, as taxpayers and as citizens.

This does not mean individual women should be pressurised to continue doing something that makes them feel unhappy, in pain, exhausted, depressed....it means they should be helped not to get into that situation in the first place, or at least helped to get out of it! If things have gone so far (because of a failure of support) that formula is the option the mum goes for, then of course she deserves the same loving, encouraging support as anyone else.

A very few women are not able to supply all their baby needs by way of breastmilk, no matter what they do , and Irishmammy, it sounds from what you say that you may be in this group - you can produce some, but it doesn't build up to the amount you need to ensure your babies grow well. Not your fault at all

I am acutely aware that when someone is hurt, as you are, by the way their body is working (or not working), then any mention of breastfeeding has the potential to cause pain.

I don't know the answer to that one....in an ideal world, you would not feel criticised or undermined. If you only had one leg, you would not feel criticised by people training for the Marathon, or reading about running clubs, or articles which extol the benefits of jogging. But feeding a baby is different, I know.

I do know the answer is not to tell people like me they are 'almost pushing breastfeeding down people's throats like a religion' - that is so not what I do, and while you say you don't wish to offend, I need to say I find that unfair and, yes, offensive.

welliemum · 25/01/2008 10:21

Really good posts by sabire and tiktok.

tiktok · 25/01/2008 16:17

ta, welliemum.

Still offended about being accused of (almost) religious nuttery......

becka1 · 25/01/2008 18:57

tiktok, a lot of your post re mothers not breastfeeding is centred around the few who can't. There are many that just don't want to - like myself - for a variety of reasons in my case. In nearly all cases on these threads FFs hear about benefits of breast over bottle (i.e FF). There are many benefits of FF too - sorry if you don't like this - but for me and a lot of people I know the fact that your partner can feed the baby (without all the hassle of expressing) is a major benefit! The main reason I chose to FF from birth! No sleepless nights for me for several days after the birth as DH did all the night feeds . The benefits to me and the baby of that sleep....well I don't think I can quantify it!

BabiesEverywhere · 25/01/2008 19:18

Personally I expect sleepless nights with a newborn, it is normal and I place more importance on achieveing the 'best health outcome' possible via breastfeeding for my DD, above having a good nights sleep.

becka1 · 25/01/2008 19:37

Babieseverywhere, that may have been your priority but after losing 2 pints of blood in childbirth I can tell you sleep was the only thing on my mind. I could barely sit up let alone thinking of looking after another person. And I was fortunate I planned to FF and had bottles and formula ready for my husband and had shown him how to sterilise, make up bottles etc
And to be honest that is such a typical response i.e. akin to the vibe on these threads. Some people, like myself, see advantages in FF, and that is our opinion, and should be respected as much as we respect opinions on advantages of BF.
And regarding your point'best health outcome,as several people have pointed out on this thread 'best psychological outcome' is crucial too....and that ultimately depends on the individual mother. I'm not knocking BF and so I don't feel you should knock my opinions on advantages of FF because there are clear advantages for some people. Maybe not for you, but definitely for me and a lot of people I know.

Looby34 · 25/01/2008 19:41

Sabire - you said:

'I'm always a bit shocked by the way that the long term health and development benefits of breastfeeding are pushed aside with a casual 'happy mummy, happy baby' comment'.

I had made this statement in one of my earlier posts - hence me feeling like what you said was a personal attack.

You also say:

It must be hard to have to listen to people talking about breastfeeding in the way I do if you don't want to/can't breastfeed. Personally if I was you I'd be disinclined to take part in discussions on the subject of feeding choices on internet boards if it made me feel victimised.

I don't know whether you've confused me with someone else but I DID want to breastfeed and that is exactly what I did for nearly 3 weeks until I ran into problems and struggled to get the right support easily. I barely knew what day it was, nevermind getting on the net to find support groups etc. So please don't tar me with the same brush as people who don't do it from day 1 - which, incidentally, I don't agree with either - but if that is their choice then who am I to try and persuade them otherwise ?

Tiktok - I genuinely appreciated the support you showed towards me however, the comparison you make between bf and jogging is borderline ridiculous. If you only had one leg, I doubt you'd find yourself sat in a clinic with lots of posters promoting jogging and I really don't think you'd seek out articles about jogging (they aren't exactly everywhere are they) - or go to a website and post articles alongside joggers.

I would completely expect an NCT breastfeeding counsellor to give a specific answer to a specific question (like the example you gave in your earlier post). That is EXACTLY what I WOULD expect. But the kind of posts that are appearing from Sabire are getting pretty militant, so please, don't fall into that trap as in my experience, the more militant anyone is about anything, the less likely people are to listen.

Maybe you guys should spend more time thinking about how you get your message across than the message you're delivering. That way you'll be less likely to be accused of shoving it down peoples throats.

One final thing - Sabire - you seem to feel you have to fight for the rights of babies to be breastfead because they can't do it themselves. Do you know anyone who looked back and was angry at their mothers because they weren't breastfed ? Do you know anyone who has suffered in some way and put it down to the fact they weren't breast fed ? I sincerely doubt it. So at the end of the day, if women try it and it isn't for them for whatever reason - just applaud the fact that they tried. Babies CAN survive and thrive very succesfully on formula - my dd is testament to that.

Looby34 · 25/01/2008 19:44

Becka1 - a point well made. You'd think people like us didn't have the right to post on here the way some carry on.

becka1 · 25/01/2008 20:09

I know looby.....I know I did the best thing by my baby by FF because we have had a nice chilled out time together from birth.....all your posts about stress is an assumed part of the deal......why?????!!!!! Sabire you made the point that "Early postnatal life can be hell. Sleeplessness, intense fear and confusion are part of the normal package (they were for me anyway). If breastfeeding is going badly then switching to bottles will make your life hugely easier, at least initially. I'm not criticising this - you do what you have to do at the time." .....for some people that making life easier by FF is exactly why they choose to FF from the first place, because a happy mum is a happy baby....the psychological part of motherhood cannot be overlooked......if you are happy BF than great, if I am happy FF than great! I personally think there are many advantages of FF which get overlooked on here.

Sabire · 25/01/2008 20:12

"There are many benefits of FF too - sorry if you don't like this."

What - for babies?

Every breastfeeding mum thinks about the things you mention - nobody is going to argue that being able to hand your baby over to someone else so you can get some kip is sometimes going to seem like a very good idea.

My way of looking at is was this: going short of sleep comes with the territory of early parenting. It doesn't last for ever, my baby was likely to be sleeping through in a few months, it's not going to kill me and women since the dawn of time have done it in far more difficult circumstances than most of us in this country live in. My baby on the other hand has got to live in their body for their entire life, and the benefits of breastfeeding last long into adulthood.

"The main reason I chose to FF from birth! No sleepless nights for me for several days after the birth as DH did all the night feeds . The benefits to me and the baby of that sleep....well I don't think I can quantify it!"

How exactly does your baby benefit from you getting a full night's sleep? I mean the majority of mums are up at night at the beginning. Nature designed things this way. I would think that the vast majority of us manage to provide good, kind, loving care to our babies without the benefit of uninterrupted night's sleep in the first few days, wouldn't you? I appreciate that really appalling sleep deprivation if it goes on and on could cause pnd and affect your relationship with your baby, but most breastfeeding mums don't have this.

Personally speaking my sleep was great when I was breastfeeding my babies - I might have fed them a couple of times a night but as they slept so close to me and I could feed them lying down I don't think I ever had any real problems with lack of sleep that many bottlefeeding mums get - the ones who have to get out of bed to make a feed up and then sit upright and wide awake while their baby feeds.

"And regarding your point'best health outcome,as several people have pointed out on this thread 'best psychological outcome' is crucial too....and that ultimately depends on the individual mother."

Yes - but interestingly PND is more common in women who ff. Breastfeeding has a protective mechanism against stress and anxiety - that's what all the oxytocin and prolactin do. Yes - severe bf problems CAN sometimes lead to PND, but bf problems don't generally become severe if a mum is given appropriate and sensitive help. And I know many women who've struggled with bf who haven't experienced depression.

What I'm trying to say is that the whole 'happy mummy,happy baby' rationale for ff (which, in the absence of communicable diseases is the ONLY benefit of ff I can currently think of) has become a sort of truism which bandied around in very casual way without anyone really thinking about what it means.

And I can't imagine people using this sort of rationale for any other aspect of parenting. Imagine if you said you were going to give your child ready meals every night because you don't like cooking, and if you cooked unwillingly for your child it'd make you stressed, and you'd end up damaging your relationship with them, which would disadvantage them more than giving them ready meals every night!

BTW - I'm not discounting the effects of a difficult birth on breastfeeding and your health in the early days of breastfeeding - I've been there myself with a PPH, forceps birth, postnatal infections etc. It is hard - no denying it, but most of us who opt to do it cope fine and our babies thrive - and it only lasts a short time.

PuppyMonkey · 25/01/2008 20:25

Just to answer the op's original question, I chose to ff ds2 after nearly having a nervous breakdown through exhaustion when bf dd1 and being on the point of rejecting her before switching to ff. Sabire would prob tell me off for not trying hard enough though.

Btw, got great relationship with both my kids and both are v. happy and haven't got eczema, asthma or anything else serious. We are all doing just fine without bf.

PuppyMonkey · 25/01/2008 20:27

sorry, I meant dD1.

Haven't even got a ds!! Durr.

PuppyMonkey · 25/01/2008 20:28

no, I meant DD2.

Fgs, this stupidity wouldn't happen if I bf would it

becka1 · 25/01/2008 20:34

sabire, for me personally being able to attend to my baby during the day having had sleep was crucial for a happy mother-happy baby relationship,
some mothers, like myself, choose to FF because they know they can give better care this way than BF....obviously not you, you shouldn't knock others who make other choices....yes FF was in MY babies best interests, as I said we had a really chilled out time together in those first few weeks after a terrible birth, I REALLY don't get your statement "How exactly does your baby benefit from you getting a full night's sleep?"!!!!!!!!!! Of course the baby benefits.....I'm not even going to explain because I think it is so obvious!!!!!!!!! I refer to 'healthy psychological development and you refer to PND - it isn't a logical response to explain away the psychological benefits a proportion of mothers will have by FF with PND.....for FF who choose to do so and are not depressed they clearly do so because of advantages they see in FF

Idobelieveinfairies · 25/01/2008 20:36

It's hard making decisions when it comes to your children.

I have no regrets from FF most of my children. They are all happy,healthy, and very intelligent..no worries there.

My only BF child does have migraines and aspergers syndrome......i often wonder if i was eating the right foods...i never drank alcohol..or anything like that..but sometimes i wonder if i FF him, would he suffer from horrid migraines???

I think people will worry either way!

If i was to have another baby (not going to happen)..i honestly would find it hard choosing how to feed.