I feel like I've failed my baby

[addler]

DS is three days old, born via c section. We were in the hospital for two nights as I had pre eclampsia.

He was a big boy when born, 4kg and had gorgeously chubby cheeks. In the hospital several midwives and a feeding specialist all watched him feed and said his latch was perfect, positioning great, no tongue tie, and they couldn't give any more advice as everything looked perfect and that it looked like I had done it before. I was so pleased and felt so confident.

Since being home he's been cluster feeding and constantly sucking his hands, even if he's just finished a feed. I've been feeding on demand and knew this was normal to try and boost my supply so wasn't worried, or worried that he wouldn't sleep unless on me or DP.

The midwife came today and weighed him. He's lost 11.9% of his birthweight, 500g, in three days. She said he needs 25mls at least topped up after every breast feed. My milk hasn't come in yet so DP went to buy formula. He downed the 25mls so I gave him some more as she instructed and he had 40mls in total. He then went into his Moses basket and lay there happily for 20 minutes, never once sucking on his hands. Then he slept for 2 1/2 hours in there. I've never seen him so content.

So my beautiful baby, who I thought was just a champion greedy chunk who loved milk and was cluster feeding was never getting enough from me. I've been starving him. And I didn't even know. I've been looking at pictures from today and from when he was first born and he looks like a different baby. Every time I look at him now I'm overcome with guilt and shame. I was so pleased with how things were going and was saying to anyone who asked that it was going great, and all along I was starving him.

Throughout my pregnancy I was so worried I wouldn't be able to breastfeed, I've long thought I had tubular breasts and when I was researching breastfeeding I read that having them can cause supply issues and not being able to breastfeed. I was very upset as breastfeeding was something that was really important to me for a lot of different reasons, and I felt like once again my body was failing me and I hated it, I thought that if I could feed my baby and do the one thing no one else could then it might help repair the relationship I have with my body by doing something good and positive and something my baby needed from me.

I saw a lactation consultant to ask for help antenatally and she showed me how to express colostrum, and said she would make me a feeding plan to start from birth but then never did and said she didn't think I would have an issue as I could get some colostrum and didn't think my breasts looked extremely tubular. Although I think it's deceiving because I'm overweight so a lot of what looks like breast tissue is fat tissue.

All along I've been so concerned and asked for help and everyone has said don't be silly of course, you'll make all the milk you'll need, nearly everyone can breastfeed, but I was right after all, I can't do it. I knew I wouldn't be able to.

I am 100% behind anyone's decision on how they feed their baby. I didn't need people telling me I could just formula feed and my baby would be fine. I know he would be. But to not have that choice to begin with, to have that choice taken away from me because my stupid horrible body has something that's referred to as a deformity, and is a part of my body that I've always hated for looking the way it does and is just another thing that makes me feel like less of an attractive and desirable and normal woman, it's heart breaking.

Just now I tried to express some more colostrum as was suggested, but it's much thinner than before and squirted a little so I'm now worried that actually my milk has come in but this is all it is- such a small pathetic amount that I didn't even realise it had come in.

I can't stop crying since the midwife left. She said they'll come back tomorrow to check on DS to make sure he's not getting sick, and they'll come back on Monday to weigh him and if it hasn't improved he'll need to be admitted to hospital.

I know this is long and stupid and full of self pity. I just can't stop the thoughts and feelings over what I've done to my son and what I can't do for him. I don't know why I'm posting, I just needed to tell someone.

I'm sorry, this sounds really hard for you but it's absolutely not unusual at all. My milk took 6 days to come in after my c section. Is baby having plenty of wet nappies? If so, you're absolutely not starving him! Formula is a different consistency to breast milk so will keep them full and quiet for longer. That's not good or bad, just different.

Oh lovely I didn’t want to read and run - what you are experiencing is very common -you haven’t failed him in any way you’re doing exactly what you need to do: feeding as much as you can yourself until your milk supply regularises, in contact with your midwife so they can monitor and help and topping up as needed . You are doing fine. Just keep going and it will get easier. These feelings are normal I promise and you are peak hormone time post natally. (I have had 2 sections and I do understand ) it will be ok

You poor thing, have a virtual hug. 3 days old hormones are all over the place anyway and I can imagine how distressed you feel.

All I can suggest is that you keep offering the breast. Set an alarm for every 2 hours at night. You will know when your milk comes in, which will likely be very soon, and this will make a huge difference. Just keep trying and keep offering the top ups. The colostrum you have worked hard to provide your baby is full of goodness. You're doing the best you can. If things don't work out then know that your baby will still be happy and healthy, even if it feels hard at the moment.

Gosh it’s bloody tough isn’t it.

Often after a section it can take a bit longer for milk to come in. This happened to my sister and her baby lost 11% weight and she topped up after every feed and then it suddenly come in and clicked and she stopped topping up and and for 18 months.

I would get a second opinion on the tongue tie, my second child’s was missed and was picked up by a lactation consultant which made feeding much easier once snipped.

You’re doing a fabulous job and please be kind to yourself, you’ve have major surgery and are probably very sleep deprived.

I would keep offering a breastfeed and then top up with formula for now.

Why is feeding your child failing him?
I hate that women feel this way.

Just bare in mind that 10% weight loss is normal and expected on day 3/4 anyway. So, excuse my ignorance as I'm rubbish at maths, but 11% isn't tooooooo terrible?

Realllllly sorry if I've got that wrong.

I just didn't want you to feel bad if you didn't realise 10% is pretty normal anyway.

This happened to me. I cut my losses after being readmitted on day 4 with 'failure to thrive' on DD notes. Midwife said she obviously hadn't been getting enough milk. 😔 Rather than risk dehydration, brain damage, jaundice, or spend the next 2 weeks attached to a hospital grade pump every 2 hours day and night, I decided to formula feed.

Best decision ever. My gorgeous girl is nearly 10 and so bright, active, loving and healthy. We enjoyed her babyhood rather than fighting against milk supply. I have pcos and never had any milk come in. It wasn't meant to be.

You will feel emotional OP as you're exhausted and hormonal. Just take a step back. What would you advise your best friend to do in this situation? Be kind to yourself x

Please please please get some support from La Leche League, or is even recommend a virtual session with The Milk Meg - Google her. A c section often means you and baby have extra fluid in you from the IV, so birth weight is not accurate. Just as you'll be losing the extra liquid so will baby. A weight dip is to be expected.

This is exactly the point where we get scared into formula feeding when it may not be needed, or get caught in a cycle of mixed feeding when it's not the choice we want to make.

There's no pressure if you decide formula is right for you and your baby. But please get someone to support you properly in making that decision.

I say this as someone in exactly your shoes who now is still feeding a 2.5yr old.

Oh OP, sending you lots of love, I’ve been where you are and it’s horrible. Firstly, remember you’re only 3 days pp, you’ve had major surgery and are now looking after a baby, you’re doing amazingly! Please give yourself a break

Secondly, this sounds exactly like my DS2 (he’s 6 months now), he lost 12% of birth weight after 3 days, I was ex BF and it wasn’t enough for him. I felt really guilty but came to realise I was doing everything I could. In the end we mix fed (still doing it now) but to increase my milk I expressed every time he had formula for the first couple of months to establish my supply, it’s relentless but works. Make sure you’re well hydrated, eating well and getting some sleep (easier said than done!). If you want to express you can hire pumps from the hospital or buy your own, a bought a double electric one and it was brilliant. Try expressing after a warm bath or shower and have a photo of you DS, or actually him nearby.

You’re not letting him down, you’re doing everything you can but it is HARD. I couldn’t BF my first and felt terrible but he’s an amazing, healthy 3 year old now.

Please go easy on yourself OP, you’re doing so so well. Please reach out to your midwives, HV or GP as they can help xx

Just now I tried to express some more colostrum as was suggested, but it's much thinner than before and squirted a little so I'm now worried that actually my milk has come in but this is all it is- such a small pathetic amount that I didn't even realise it had come in.

This is a positive thing! You do have some milk and it is coming in! You aren't going to have a full supply yet at some stage. I'm impressed with how proactive you have been in seeking support. Where are you located? Any chance of contacting a private lactation consultant? There are some excellent ones. I am a feeding specialist midwife and I see a surprising number of women with tubular breasts/low supply. I think you need yet another opinion. The good news is you can really successfully combine breastfeeding and formula feeding if you do end up having low supply- it is not all or nothing! I would strongly recommend getting a book called Making More Milk- it's a goldmine of info on this topic!

DS had a mixture of breast and formula in the first few days and by the end of the first week he was solely breast and we are still going strong breastfeeding 18 months later. So please don’t think this is the end of your breastfeeding journey.

Most women can produce enough milk and there is support available if you want to carry on feeding but your supply isn’t quite there.

(But FF and combi feeding are absolutely fine, and no way a reflection of whether you’re a “failure” or not.)

And congratulations on your baby

My first dc lost 11%, had to be topped up by formula. But food is food. If you are into breastfeeding, you can keep trying/ waiting for your milk to come. No shame in formula in my opinion.

You recognise your child is hungry and try to feed him - that makes you a great mom, not the source of the food

My milk took 5-6 days which apparently is not unexpected after a caesarian.
Please don't feel guilty, you've done all of the right things and it's great baby took the formula well and slept well.
The first few days are so hard and exhausting and mentally draining. You're a great mama because you care so very much about your baby.

OP if you want to breastfeed there is support out there. Personally I hated it but that's just me.

Echo everything else on this thread, please don’t feel too bad! This is totally normal!

Just to add also that c-section babies often are born a bit falsely heavier because of the fluids, so they can proportionally lose a bit more weight. Please don’t worry about it, you’re under good care and are doing the best for your baby

DD1 didn't breastfeed I got no help whatsoever, but anyways I didn't have any milk when she was born.

When she was 2 months I started breastfeeding her!! By the time she was 3 she started refusing the bottle it was painful but worth it.

If you want to continue BFing, put your baby in the breast everything single feed. Both breasts. Then give your child the bottle afterwards

I had two c sections. My milk didn't come in after either until I was home, so about 5-6 days. I also remember I felt really emotional and upset just before my milk came in.

You've been through a lot OP. I can appreciate the c section might also be adding to how you're feeling if it wasn't planned. Take it easy on yourself.

Sending LOTS of love and support. I had PE too, it’s hideous, I was on lots of BP medications, antibiotics (and couldn’t sit up because my fanny was ragged). You haven’t failed, you’re doing amazingly well and congratulations!!

Oh OP don't cry. It's so emotional and of course you feel terrible but please don't take it out on yourself.

11% is not starving him lovely. It's not at all unusual for BF babies to lose 10% in 3 days and your milk to take a bit longer after a CS. It's also not unusual for them to lose a little more after you had the section, because you being on a drip can inflate his birth weight with fluids. He's obvs doing what he needs as your milk is now coming in. His constant feeding is normal, google day 2/3!

I'd top up a tiny bit after a BF just to make you feel better but I bet you see vast improvements in the next day or two as your milk increases. Just remember the more he feeds, the more you make. Good luck.

I always tell people that if I were a dairy cow, the farmer would've shot me.

I was a crap milk producer, never leaked milk, couldn't express to save my life, my babies never looked full and content in the early days, always fussing and fretting for more milk; I had to feed constantly for about 3 months, it was a nightmare.

But I still breastfed one 100% and mixed fed two of them

My la leche league group was full of fantastic milk producers who expressed 8oz in 5 mins and fed triplets on demand etc. It's hard. Only you can say if you think it's worth it.

But dont be hard on yourself. Its early days yet and I promise you that it will get easier as your milk comes in and the supply adjusts to meet demand. Your baby fretting and fussing for boob is his way of generating supply as you already know. The formula is the equivalent of a 5 course sunday dinner and they dont have to work to get it, that's why they always look so content after formula.

Sorry for rambling, typing whilst cooking

Sending a huge amount of virtual tea and sympathy Those first few days are HARD. As others have said, keep putting your lovely boy to the breast and just top up with a little formula if you need to. Remember their stomachs are absolutely TINY. Like the size of a walnut. Of course he will feed often and he needs to do that to stimulate your milk production. The first milk will be mixed with the colostrum, bluish and thin - this again is totally normal and it's still incredibly nourishing for him. If you do want to bf then please try not to give too much formula because from a bottle it flows faster and easier and he may start to prefer it. Just top up a little and see how the next day or two go. You might wake up in the morning with boobs fully engorged and he'll never look back. All the best of luck and feel free to DM if it helps. I have bf three babies including twins after c-sections both times.





Ok stop, just stop. And breathe.

I really hope you read this. You are doing great. But what you need to know is YOU ARE NOT STARVING YOUR BABY.

Please please realise that

• c section babies always lose more weight as a lot of this is excess fluid.
• cluster feeding is normal, this is NOT a sign of low supply
• expression or pumping is also NOT a sign of low supply
• all babies will drink more via a bottle, and appear more settled. THIS IS NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE “STARVING”

Please read my next post below (copied from lucy Weber IBCLC) - it explains why babies ‘settle more’ with a bottle. -most midwives and HV know very little about Bf. Contact LLL Ian’s read the kellymom website.

Finally you’re not a failure, regardless or breast or formula feeding. BUT I do think being informed is key, so many women stop breastfeeding because they doubt themselves when actually a lot is normal behaviour.