I feel like I've failed my baby

[addler]

DS is three days old, born via c section. We were in the hospital for two nights as I had pre eclampsia.

He was a big boy when born, 4kg and had gorgeously chubby cheeks. In the hospital several midwives and a feeding specialist all watched him feed and said his latch was perfect, positioning great, no tongue tie, and they couldn't give any more advice as everything looked perfect and that it looked like I had done it before. I was so pleased and felt so confident.

Since being home he's been cluster feeding and constantly sucking his hands, even if he's just finished a feed. I've been feeding on demand and knew this was normal to try and boost my supply so wasn't worried, or worried that he wouldn't sleep unless on me or DP.

The midwife came today and weighed him. He's lost 11.9% of his birthweight, 500g, in three days. She said he needs 25mls at least topped up after every breast feed. My milk hasn't come in yet so DP went to buy formula. He downed the 25mls so I gave him some more as she instructed and he had 40mls in total. He then went into his Moses basket and lay there happily for 20 minutes, never once sucking on his hands. Then he slept for 2 1/2 hours in there. I've never seen him so content.

So my beautiful baby, who I thought was just a champion greedy chunk who loved milk and was cluster feeding was never getting enough from me. I've been starving him. And I didn't even know. I've been looking at pictures from today and from when he was first born and he looks like a different baby. Every time I look at him now I'm overcome with guilt and shame. I was so pleased with how things were going and was saying to anyone who asked that it was going great, and all along I was starving him.

Throughout my pregnancy I was so worried I wouldn't be able to breastfeed, I've long thought I had tubular breasts and when I was researching breastfeeding I read that having them can cause supply issues and not being able to breastfeed. I was very upset as breastfeeding was something that was really important to me for a lot of different reasons, and I felt like once again my body was failing me and I hated it, I thought that if I could feed my baby and do the one thing no one else could then it might help repair the relationship I have with my body by doing something good and positive and something my baby needed from me.

I saw a lactation consultant to ask for help antenatally and she showed me how to express colostrum, and said she would make me a feeding plan to start from birth but then never did and said she didn't think I would have an issue as I could get some colostrum and didn't think my breasts looked extremely tubular. Although I think it's deceiving because I'm overweight so a lot of what looks like breast tissue is fat tissue.

All along I've been so concerned and asked for help and everyone has said don't be silly of course, you'll make all the milk you'll need, nearly everyone can breastfeed, but I was right after all, I can't do it. I knew I wouldn't be able to.

I am 100% behind anyone's decision on how they feed their baby. I didn't need people telling me I could just formula feed and my baby would be fine. I know he would be. But to not have that choice to begin with, to have that choice taken away from me because my stupid horrible body has something that's referred to as a deformity, and is a part of my body that I've always hated for looking the way it does and is just another thing that makes me feel like less of an attractive and desirable and normal woman, it's heart breaking.

Just now I tried to express some more colostrum as was suggested, but it's much thinner than before and squirted a little so I'm now worried that actually my milk has come in but this is all it is- such a small pathetic amount that I didn't even realise it had come in.

I can't stop crying since the midwife left. She said they'll come back tomorrow to check on DS to make sure he's not getting sick, and they'll come back on Monday to weigh him and if it hasn't improved he'll need to be admitted to hospital.

I know this is long and stupid and full of self pity. I just can't stop the thoughts and feelings over what I've done to my son and what I can't do for him. I don't know why I'm posting, I just needed to tell someone.

Op.... your story could be mine with my first - also csection, preeclampsia, weight loss, low milk supply.
Sending lots of love. I remember how bloody hard this bit is. If you can afford it a private lactation consultant might really help.
I think lots of people have said this already but csection babies do lose a bit more weight and 11pc is not a huge loss. The cluster feeding is totally normal. And csection can delay your milk coming in. All of this might not mean you have a supply issue atall.
But it's a myth that everyone has enough milk and when people tell you it's just a breast feeding management issue and you are literally doing everything you can, it makes you believe the only option is to fully formula feed and feel like you failed. That's what happened to me and it triggered pnd.
If you do have lower supply you can boost your supply a bit using a pumping schedule and supplements. A good lactation consultant will be able to help with this. It's also possible to combination feed long term with the right support.
Trust your instincts and give yourself a bit of time before you are panicked into giving up. Your baby is beautiful and a great weight which means you have a bit of space to play with to get your supply established.
And finally don't beat yourself up, it really mattered to me that I couldn't breastfeed fully. But it really didn't matter as much as it seemed at the time. I'm a good mum and it's been about a lot more than my inadequate boobs!

Thank you all. I've sent an email to a lactation consultant to see if she can help us. I'm feeling very emotional again now after feeling a little better when the midwives left.

This is the picture where you can see that after he had his first bottle everything changed. Orange is breastfeeding and purple is sleep. Before the bottle there were so many breastfeeds and now he just sleeps constantly until I wake him, feed him, for which he'll fall asleep on except when it's the formula, then he'll maybe have ten minutes of being awake and then sleep again until I wake him. Before the midwife came yesterday he was nearly permanently on my breast. He hasn't made any feeding cues since then either, apart from when I've just breastfed him and he's yet to have the bottle. The rest of the time he just sleeps.

I don't know how my milk will come in if I'm never able to put him to my breast as he's always asleep.

That graph looks perfectly normal for such a tiny bf baby. If you really want to breastfeed please don't give up so soon. It's not too early to go back to breast. Yes, you will be feeding near constantly this early xx

Apologies if some of this isn't relevant but I'm under a napping baby who won't stay this way for long!

My DD lost 'too much' weight and was nearly admitted to hospital by day 3. She did have a tongue tie, and my milk didn't come in until 3.5 days post section. The advice I got was to offer the breast, and then if no joy within 15-20 min I went to pump and DH gave her a bottle. Our issue was the latch, but can you put him to the breast to stimulate milk, then get your other half to feed him a bottle and pump? The pumping will help stimulate milk just not as well as baby.

Also don't worry too much about how much milk comes out pumping, some women never get a lot pumping and babies are far more efficient. You will also get more milk from pumping in the mornings than afternoon/evening. Nighttime I believe is when a lot of babies cluster feed as that's the best time for your boobs to get the message they they need to make more milk, hence pumping yields more earlier in the day i believe.

Make sure bottles you use have a newborn teat so the milk doesn't come out too quickly or easily for him, and I wouldn't let him down the bottle in one go, let him stop and start a bit. Drinking from a bottle is easier than from the breast, the milk comes consistently whereas they have to work harder after the letdown at the breast.

Pumping is hard, don't beat yourself up. You're doing amazingly. His cheeks also still look cracking! My DD was 7lbs 1oz and went down to more like 6lbs 6oz. Looked like a stick the poor girl by day 3. I still have horrible pangs of guilt about DD trying desperately yet being unable to feed in the early days. It's awful. You just don't know what they're getting until your milk comes in and you see it in the nappies.

The lactation consultant just called me after seeing my email and I feel so much better after speaking to her. She confirmed a lot of what you've all already said, that it definitely shouldn't be more than 25mls of top up and that it's a reflex not an indication he's still hungry, and about the c section babies having inaccurate weights recorded due to the iv fluids. She's also a midwife and thinks it'll change to delayed weighing at some point to prevent this.

So we have a plan, I've ordered a supplemental nursing system so he can have his top ups via a tube at the same time as he's on the breast so I'm still getting stimulation, and in the meantime ditch the bottle and offer the formula via a small cup or spoon instead so he doesn't get used to the bottle's teat.

We're having a zoom call tomorrow night and she will come and see me at the weekend and said there's so much more we can do and try and it's not the end.

Thank you all again for your advice and stories of support and encouragement, and suggestions to try a private consultant.

Well done for speaking to someone! Sounds like a good plan.

Just to say re feeding cues etc, it’s also normal for babies to go mad to stimulate your milk when you’ve got colostrum and then for feeds to massively reduce in length once the milk comes in. Also for babies to be very sleepy in the early weeks. It doesn’t mean they are content necessarily! I had to wake DC2 (now 5 weeks) every 2-3 hours for the first 2.5 weeks until she was back to birthweight (and btw it took her 18 days to get there even though she “only” lost 8% and was gaining bang on average amount per day (30g) because she was a big baby to start with - so don’t let them freak you out if he’s not back to birthweight by 14 days). Sometimes it was pretty hard to wake her and I had to strip her down and blow on her face etc, but weight gain was good and by week 3 she was waking herself and now at 5 weeks is doing really well. It’s all a process.

Well done OP, I'm glad you're feeling better after speaking to the LC. She sounds good!

She's also a midwife and thinks it'll change to delayed weighing at some point to prevent this.

At some hospitals in the US they have already moved to this practice. Hopefully it is adopted in the UK soon because it does prevent unnecessary supplementation.

Well done OP, hope you get a more positive outcome now.

I know you've a plan that doesn't involve bottles now which is ideal for a tiny newborn, but in case it hasn't been mentioned or for any reason you do need to use a bottle at some stage look up paced bottle feeding on Youtube. Sorry if it's already been mentioned haven't been able to read all posts!