I feel like I've failed my baby

[addler]

DS is three days old, born via c section. We were in the hospital for two nights as I had pre eclampsia.

He was a big boy when born, 4kg and had gorgeously chubby cheeks. In the hospital several midwives and a feeding specialist all watched him feed and said his latch was perfect, positioning great, no tongue tie, and they couldn't give any more advice as everything looked perfect and that it looked like I had done it before. I was so pleased and felt so confident.

Since being home he's been cluster feeding and constantly sucking his hands, even if he's just finished a feed. I've been feeding on demand and knew this was normal to try and boost my supply so wasn't worried, or worried that he wouldn't sleep unless on me or DP.

The midwife came today and weighed him. He's lost 11.9% of his birthweight, 500g, in three days. She said he needs 25mls at least topped up after every breast feed. My milk hasn't come in yet so DP went to buy formula. He downed the 25mls so I gave him some more as she instructed and he had 40mls in total. He then went into his Moses basket and lay there happily for 20 minutes, never once sucking on his hands. Then he slept for 2 1/2 hours in there. I've never seen him so content.

So my beautiful baby, who I thought was just a champion greedy chunk who loved milk and was cluster feeding was never getting enough from me. I've been starving him. And I didn't even know. I've been looking at pictures from today and from when he was first born and he looks like a different baby. Every time I look at him now I'm overcome with guilt and shame. I was so pleased with how things were going and was saying to anyone who asked that it was going great, and all along I was starving him.

Throughout my pregnancy I was so worried I wouldn't be able to breastfeed, I've long thought I had tubular breasts and when I was researching breastfeeding I read that having them can cause supply issues and not being able to breastfeed. I was very upset as breastfeeding was something that was really important to me for a lot of different reasons, and I felt like once again my body was failing me and I hated it, I thought that if I could feed my baby and do the one thing no one else could then it might help repair the relationship I have with my body by doing something good and positive and something my baby needed from me.

I saw a lactation consultant to ask for help antenatally and she showed me how to express colostrum, and said she would make me a feeding plan to start from birth but then never did and said she didn't think I would have an issue as I could get some colostrum and didn't think my breasts looked extremely tubular. Although I think it's deceiving because I'm overweight so a lot of what looks like breast tissue is fat tissue.

All along I've been so concerned and asked for help and everyone has said don't be silly of course, you'll make all the milk you'll need, nearly everyone can breastfeed, but I was right after all, I can't do it. I knew I wouldn't be able to.

I am 100% behind anyone's decision on how they feed their baby. I didn't need people telling me I could just formula feed and my baby would be fine. I know he would be. But to not have that choice to begin with, to have that choice taken away from me because my stupid horrible body has something that's referred to as a deformity, and is a part of my body that I've always hated for looking the way it does and is just another thing that makes me feel like less of an attractive and desirable and normal woman, it's heart breaking.

Just now I tried to express some more colostrum as was suggested, but it's much thinner than before and squirted a little so I'm now worried that actually my milk has come in but this is all it is- such a small pathetic amount that I didn't even realise it had come in.

I can't stop crying since the midwife left. She said they'll come back tomorrow to check on DS to make sure he's not getting sick, and they'll come back on Monday to weigh him and if it hasn't improved he'll need to be admitted to hospital.

I know this is long and stupid and full of self pity. I just can't stop the thoughts and feelings over what I've done to my son and what I can't do for him. I don't know why I'm posting, I just needed to tell someone.

It's very common for babies to be fussy and unsettled at times, and even quite often in some cases.
But it may be unnerving for parents who become concerned that perhaps the baby isn't getting enough milk.
So a bottle is given to 'test' this theory and the baby wolfs it down and then crashes to sleep. Parents are left feeling utterly deflated that the they were letting their baby go hungry.

So why is it that those of us in the world of lactation say that drinking a bottle after a breastfeed isn't neccessarily sign that the baby was hungry?

To understand fully we need to look at two things, firstly normal behaviour at the breast, and secondly, normal response to a bottle.

Society would have us believe that babies latch onto the breast, feed and then settle. But that's not actually the case. There is usually quite a lot of fussing and bashing while they figure out where they're latching, then lots of quick sucks and tugging and hitting while they encourage your milk to let down. Then there is likely a period of calmer feeding while they have a good quantity of milk (look and listen for swallowing!) and then they may start to qet squirmy, tugging, gumming and hitting again as the flow slows down. This is all VERY normal behaviour.
Keep in mind in an evening, when most parents find their supply is running slower, and during growth spurts, babies will often be a lot more fussy at the breast, and that's ok too! Its stimulation behaviour to get the milk flowing. And the more milk that's removed, the more milk is replaced.
Babies have tiny tummies, digest breastmilk quickly, and use the breast for plenty of reasons other than food, so it's also very common for babies to decide that actually they would quite like to go back to the breast please, even though they had appeared to have finished not long before. Again, normal. (I didn't say easy, I said normal!)
Looking at all of the above, we can completely understand why parents may assume their baby is unhappy or not getting enough. Usually once they've had the information about it all they feel empowered to carry on the way they are.

But, if they don't have that information, they may carry on and give that bottle. So why would the baby take it?
Well, firstly, because babies love to suck. Its soothing and comforting and releases pain relieving hormones and means they are next to your body and in your arms. They're clever little creatures.
Plus, it's pretty easy to get a bottle teat into a baby's mouth, they barely need to open at all compared to latching at the breast.
But why once the teat is in do they drink? Well, sucking is a reflex that happens if something touches the back of the roof of the baby's mouth. So they can't actually help themselves.
When a baby feeds at the breast, sucking is only a part of it, the tongue compressing the breast against the roof of the mouth in a wave like motion moves the milk. But the feeding action with a bottle is very different. Even gentle sucks will cause milk to flow, and we've already seen that babies can't help but suck the teat, so end up with a mouth full of milk whether they want it or not. So they swallow, because once again it's a reflex in babies.
They end up sucking and swallowing until they're so exhausted that they stop.
By this point they're so overly full and so exhausted their body shuts down to work on digesting the heavy meal.

So a baby will take a bottle because of their reflexes, not necessarily because they need it.

This happened to me with DC2. He lost 15% of his birth weight and we were out on a feeding plan - breast, top up, express (I chose to do this as wanted to breastfeed having fed DC1 until 2 years). I also sought help from La Leche League and a consultant. Turns out he was tongue tied. Had that snipped at three weeks old and never looked back. He shot up to the 97th percentile, where he has stayed and i'm still breastfeeding - he is one in three weeks. It's hard. It's soul destroying when you want to breastfeed. But it's not impossible. If you want to. Get help and feeding advice. See how you go. You can do it. And if you choose not to, that's fine too xxx

This happened to us too. I look back at photos of DS at one week old and he looked like a starved little crow. I think he lost 14% birth weight (can't remember exact amount but we were very close to being readmitted to hospital).

I was under a lot of pressure to breastfeed from family and what would really have helped would have been someone telling me that mixed feeding is OK (actually that bottle feeding is fine too). That giving formula is fine and doesn't have to mean the end of breastfeeding unless that's what you want. When everyone went away and left me alone with baby, I mixed fed without telling anyone until we got the hang of breastfeeding, at which point I exclusively breastfed (and DS was breastfed until 20 months). Can't tell you the difference...happy, contented baby who was not screaming for hours on end because he was too starving and frantic to latch properly.

For second baby, I'll have the confidence to tell anyone who tries to interfere or judge to #@#$ off from the start and do what is right for me and baby.

Thank you all so much, I can't put into words how much it means to me to feel like I have support and your advice is invaluable. To know others have been in the same position I am and had a positive outcome gives me so much hope.

All of my family is overseas, and my twin who was here in London left to go home on Monday night so just missed meeting him which has also been very upsetting.

He ended up being born at 41+4 after I went in for reduced movements on Tuesday , he was fine on the monitor and scan but then they found a lot of protein in my urine and so diagnosed PE even though my blood pressure was always normal and still was, and I had just had my urine tested on Monday and it didn't even have a trace, so it came on really quickly.

They recommended he be delivered and first call was induction, then we decided a c section would be the best option for me as we had originally planned a home birth due to a lot of anxiety surrounding the birth and not feeling in control and the possibility of having forceps/ventouse (so thought wn induction would increase this chance) as a year ago I was assaulted which resulted in pregnancy which I terminated in January. Then I conceived with my partner in February. So this year and pregnancy has been very hard.

Thank you all again for your support and kindness, I've felt quite alone and you've helped me not feel like that so much.

Please enjoy this picture of DS, I think he's still the most beautiful thing even though he's not as wonderfully chubby as he was.

Your baby is so beautiful 😍

Also, since the first top up feed at 1pm he's been asleep except for when I woke him at 4 to feed and then for ten minutes after. Apart from that he's been asleep.

Do you think he's just catching up after being awake so much the last day or so cluster feeding? Should I be as worried as I am, would you take him to be checked?

When the midwife was here at 11 she said he had great colour and muscle tone and was alert and crying when I undressed him and said he seemed really healthy so wasn't concerned he was ill from the weight loss, but he's been asleep since she left.

I just want to say, and I hope this comes across as I intend... This matters a lot to you because you've just had a baby. You a tired, you are emotional, your body just created an entire human, and you've had a pretty traumatic birth. He looks wonderful and is clearly very well loved. You don't need to sit feeling guilty about anything at all.
He will be fine and so will you. Formula doesn't have to mean the end of breastfeeding if you don't want it to, but if you want to formula feed now, that's fine too.

He is beautiful .

Don't be afraid to leave DP in charge with a bottle and get some sleep if you're at the end of your tether. Yes, it will take longer to establish your supply, but you'll get there (if that's what you want). You can always express too so DP can do an evening/ night feed and you can grab some sleep. I viewed formula as pressing a 'reset' button when everything was getting too much.

@addler

Also, since the first top up feed at 1pm he's been asleep except for when I woke him at 4 to feed and then for ten minutes after. Apart from that he's been asleep.

Do you think he's just catching up after being awake so much the last day or so cluster feeding? Should I be as worried as I am, would you take him to be checked?

When the midwife was here at 11 she said he had great colour and muscle tone and was alert and crying when I undressed him and said he seemed really healthy so wasn't concerned he was ill from the weight loss, but he's been asleep since she left.

I wouldn't worry about him sleeping but it's fine to ring the midwife. You aren't bothering them. It's totally cool to give them a call.

He is beautiful!! And also looks plenty chunky to me still

Oh OP, I can't imagine what you've gone through. But he is absolutely beautiful!! Enjoy every snuggle

Aah congratulations, he's a beauty.

This part of your OP stood out to me -

it might help repair the relationship I have with my body by doing something good and positive

You HAVE done something good and positive though - you grew a baby, a whole new person! And that's fucking amazing.

Congratulations. You have done everything right. You fed your baby and worked to establish breastfeeding. A midwife picked up on a slight issue with weight loss and advised top ups which you have given, and seemed to have worked well. All just a few days after a c-section. Well done you!

You are feeling crap today due to tanking hormones. I was you with a sleepy baby who developed jaundice and had to have top-ups. I was devestated and furious with myself for not feeding more often, realising he hadn't fed enough blah, blah, blah.

And you know what? My milk came in with full force on day six and by day ten my baby was refusing top ups and became a big fat, boob fiend (still is two years later).

You need to:
Take a deep breath
Have a sherry/glass of wine
Book a lactation consultant one to one consultation at some point in the next couple of days
Hire a hospital grade pump so you can top up with breast milk if possible/necessary
Have another sherry
Feed the baby
Go to bed and get some sleep!!

Oh my darling. Firstly hugest congratulations on your little boy he sounds utterly perfect. Secondly day three hormones are absolutely rampant and will make you think the world is ending very quickly. They’re a bitch. Which is making this more upsetting.

As much skin to skin contact as you can manage. Baby in nappy on your chest bra off blankets over you both to keep snuggled. Don’t get off the sofa/bed unless you move from one to the other or pee/poo. Keep offering the breast. Set alarums through the night. Keep trying if you really want. DH does everything else. Nappies, getting him dressed etc. Cooking. Bringing you food and lots of fluids. Keeping on top of your pain meds. The more skin to skin you can have the better. Get in touch with la leche league too.

You have absolutely NOT failed your boy. Most babies loose 10% of birth weight in those first few days. Ask midwife for support and ways to avoid top up feeding if that’s what you want.

However you decide to do this you’ve got this!!!

Awww he’s a proper cute beauty, congratulations.

I don’t think it’s unusual for a 3 day old to sleep loads and loads and be woken up for feeds. But if you are concerned no harm in calling a health professional for reassurance.

Oh he’s gorgeous 😍 love a newborn photo, you can almost smell them.

I’d just roll with it in the early days... if he wants to sleep lots one day and not much the next then go with it. You’ll find your feet with what works and what doesn’t.

Have they taken into account the swelling from pre eclampsia and possible fluids you had during/after birth as having inflated his weight at birth? I had pre eclampsia and emcs, my son was so swollen it was unbelievable, his little eyes were practically swollen shut. His weight dropped a lot in the first few days after he came out of scbu too by 10-11% I don't remember exactly, but I just persevered and fed him constantly until the next check up a few days later and he had regained enough based on his artificially increased birth weight. This wasn't without stress and tears on my part, but my gp backed me up with not topping up with formula, as I had just gotten bf totally established after having to combi feed in scbu.

As mentioned it's great if your "colostrum" looked thinner, that means your milk is coming in! You're not failing him no matter what way you decide to feed him, but don't give up on bf yet if you don't want to, the decision is yours once you have all the up to date evidence based information to make your decision. Possibly speak to an LC again and let them know you want to create a plan you are happy with for feeding him.

Hey @addler I think we were both on the November babies thread. I’m so sorry to hear that you didn’t have the birth you planned and also about what happened to you earlier this year.

You’ve had loads of good advice on this thread. Just to give some reassurance, my baby was 4.1kg and lost 8% in her first few days. When I look at the pictures of her from the delivery room vs now it’s obvious that she was totally puffed up with fluids, and I didn’t even have a c section. Birth weights can be misleading so don’t panic about that.

Losing 10% is totally normal and you’re just above that. Almost certainly due to a combination of artificially increased birthweight and c section delaying your milk a bit.

Pumping/leaking is no indication of your supply or what the baby can get. I EBF my son for 13 months and never leaked or could pump a single drop. Same this time round.

Normal breastfeeding behaviour like cluster feeding makes the baby look like they’re starving. They aren’t! Until your milk is in they are working hard to stimulate it.

I’d recommend getting a lactation consultant to do a house visit though. Get her to check for tongue tie (both mine had TT and both times midwives said they were fine). You can also chat through normal feeding behaviour and she can reassure you about latch and supply. Also fenugreek supplements can help boost supply if you’re worried. I’m taking them and feel like I have more milk than last time (though maybe that’s because it’s my second baby).

You are doing really well - keep it up! And don’t forget to rest whenever you can.

All excellent advice given here OP. I just wanted to add:

Keep drinking lots of water
Take fenugreek capsules (Holland & Barrett)

DS1 was formula fed and DS2 was breastfeed with an occasional ready made formula carton. A lovely midwife told me when I was having a wobble that both mum and baby have to learn the technique of breastfeeding, I had assumed we would both know what to do instantly! Both of my boys are happy, healthy and thriving. Fed is best.

Day three is tough, I can remember standing in the garden crying on day three after DS1!

Congratulations to you and your family, your baby boy is scrumptious 💙!

Bloody hell OP, you have absolutely been through the ringer this year. It is no wonder day 3, cluster feeding, CS recovery and milk coming in is a bit overwhelming. I'm impressed by how well you are doing. What a gorgeous baby and he looks plenty chubby!

They do that. Sleep a lot to start with. I suggest waking him to feed every 3 hours at least, especially on the afternoon and early evening. Then he will tank up a little and hopefully give you a slightly longer period later. At this tiny age they can sleep a lot and miss out on getting the energy and calories they need. My DS1 had to be undressed and tickled to stay awake for his feeds for about a fortnight. DS2 wouldn't miss a feed for anything, but still needed a prod sometimes in the early days.

Just wanted to give you some support. You absolutely haven't failed and don't need to stop. You may be able to increase your milk supply by expressing frequently (it's only day 3!). Worst case scenario you can mix feed. Your post really resonated with me, I was desperate to BF my DC's but struggled due to low supply, I continued mix feeding my first born for 6 months. Do seek more support and do no blame yourself you have done nothing wrong other than love and care for your baby. Best of luck op.

OP, your baby is absolutely delicious, congratulations!

Please don't be hard on yourself, you have made the most beautiful little boy. I had a similar experience to you- section, milk took ages to come in, DS lost weight and had to top up. I switched to 100% formula and then started BFing again later and had to relactate, what worked for me to boost supply was pumping and having a 'baby moon' in bed with DS for a couple of days doing skin to skin and letting him have constant access to the boob. That worked for me with hardly any supply after stopping for weeks, so it might help encourage your milk production to ramp up a bit.

Sending you lots of love and support. This bit with all the hormonal changes is really difficult, but you sound like you're doing amazingly.

Please be kind to yourself x

You've just had a baby and major abdominal surgery, your hormones and emotions will be all over the place.
I know it's easy for me to say but please try and relax - I was the same, very stressed out when my son (5.2kg, c-section) lost weight initially.
It's normal though and if the midwife is happy, please take that as confirmation that you're doing fine.
Breastfeeding always looked so easy and natural when I saw my friends feeding their babies - it took me quite a while to get the hang of it. I remember crying down the phone while leaving a voicemail for our local NCT breastfeeding advisor...
Babies don't come with a user guide - we just have to find our way the best we can.
Best of luck - I worried about my baby in the early days and he's now a strapping 6ft 2

Your doing fab mumma my milk took nearly 2 weeks to come in fully due to stress and it becomes a bit of a vicious cycle.
My son dropped weight twice once in NICU and then after the first week at home. We got put on a feeding plan of feed every 3 hours followed by top up and me pumping.

If you have a electric pump it can help your supply if your on a feeding plan. Don't worry it's hell at the time but doesn't last long.
I ended up BF for 21 months after we got through quite a few hurdles. I would wake for feeds but you can always dream feed as well. The thing I found which actually really helped my supply was doing a bit of baby massage together and it can be done from birth. It really helped me relax, enjoy my son and not worry for 20 minutes.

Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself lots of water and oats can also help. I would eat oatcakes etc

@vinoelle

Sweeping generalisation there 'Most Mw and HV know very little about BF'

Do you know what FIL is?

Keep going OP, it's very early days. Allow your baby to have unrestricted access to the breast and your body will soon be producing enough milk for your baby.