I'm in a state over whether to BF DD or not

[CremeDeSudo]

Can someone help pls?

DD is 9 days old, born at 36wks. Until my milk came in I hand expressed colostrum and topped up with formula. Once my milk came in I started feeding with nipple shields as her mouth is so small and she gets tired easily.

Then she lost 11% of birth weight and MW advised waking to feed every 3-4 hrs, boob then formula top up. Only offer boob during the day(when she's hungriest and most awake), express for other feeds 10 mins on each boob. We've somehow stopped offering the boob at all for fear she's not going to take the formula so I've basically just been pumping twice a day.

She's almost regained her weight now but the plan continues.

Another MW has told me I need to be expressing 10-12 times a day to keep my supply up (which already seems to be dwindling).

I don't know whether to continue with trying to BF. I hate pumping. I really hate it. I loved the feeling of feeding her but now I'm solely pumping and don't know how long I'll have to continue to do so.

Also, I'm really struggling with spending such little time with DS and being unable to hug him due to engorgement.

Selfishly, I also really don't like the way my boobs look, how big they are. The let down pain is horrible. I don't want them to look like deflated balloons in the future. I don't like the leaking and the constant stickiness. I've been desperate to feel like myself again after a shit pregnancy and MMC before that but I don't know if I will if I'm BF'ing.

I think I've decided to stop but then I cry because I still want the closeness etc. And I love that I can settle her instantly. I also have a bad case of baby blues. I wonder if I'm quitting too soon but then I can't face all that pumping either. I'm so torn about what to do and I can't stop crying about it! Can someone tell me what to do pls?

I'd already looked up the flipple technique but didn't really get how to do it. Am using shields atm anyway

I had my baby’s tongue tie snipped when he was 9 days old because feeding him was excruciating!!! He basically couldn’t latch on to my breast at all and was just using his gums to draw milk out my nipple. They were cracked and bleeding and I cried through every feed. It was unbearable.

A baby with a bad tongue tie cannot breast feed.

The snip took 2 seconds and breast feeding was pain free from the very next feed. The difference in feeding was phenomenal.

As has been said before, tongue tie can lead to other problems down the line with weaning and speech, it doesn’t just impact on breast feeding, there are other effects too.

Perhaps you should ask your husband to read up on those factors too before putting his blanket ban on it.