Why can't I just accept and give up?

[PrettyCandles]

Why is bfing so important to me? Why can't I just accept that I'm one of those who can't do it? Why do I feel so threatened by formula? I've tried so hard to feed my LOs. Each one was a struggle. I've done my best. Why can't I just accept my limitations and move on?

How long have you been trying?

I don´t know. I´m the same. It does get better with time though.

Just remind yourself you have happy healthy children. What more could you want? Is the bf issue so important in the grand scheme of things?

4.5months

Thats a long time. I think you can let yourself of the hook now. Most people don't even breastfeed that long. I'm sorry you've had a hard time.

i too struggled with ds. Once I had made the decision to stop trying and to just accept that it was never going to happen for me-I felt a hell of a lot better.
Please don't blame yourself-it isn't easy for everybody!

to me if you are bf for 4.5 mos then you have cracked it. despite how you feel at the mo. what's eating you up tonight?

Limited by my biology.

I fed my previous child for 23m, but at 4.5m we were having to top her up, too. But we knew she was getting hungry because she had been sleeping through, whereas this one is hungry all the time.

well it obviously is very important to you, so of course you feel upset. sorry i do not know your history but can you continue? what would make things better?

i had a complete nightmare feeding ds and it wasn't good till about 5-6 months, positioning problems mainly cos his mouth too small / my equipment too large.

'limited by my biology' and that would be?

And I mix-fed my first.

I don't know for sure why I had pnd with my first, but dh is certain that my feelings re bfing had something to do with it.

So, you are thinking that you are struggling/having a problem because why exactly - list what you think isnt working?

As time goes on, you realize that breastfeeding is just one of the tough issues of parenthood.

As time passes, the feeling will become less raw, and hopefully, like me, you'll be reassured by the fact that you did your best.

We're always told that just about every woman can bf, that it's very rare to be physically unable to do so. I think that maybe I'm one of those rarities. My boobs never change size during pregnancy, and barely change size during bfing (2 cupsizes maximum). I don't get engorged, I never feel any let-down and my babies virtually never get that 'drunk' look that signals a replete baby.

Was going to post a thread exactly the same DS1 is 13 weeks and what you describe is me too.

I don't have any advice but really do know how you feel xxxxxx

i don't understand, PC, are you topping up with formula?
i mix-fed for 5 months, but it waned for the last month because DD was choosing the bottle in the end. it is hard giving up, but i had to, i couldn't bear the constant expressing any more. so i let DD choose, in the end, stopped expressing and so my milk supply died a death.

i think i had a bit of grieving to do, tbh, but there was also a certain amount of relief. i hope things work out for you, whatever happens.

me neither pc, breastpads unused here too. but wanting to feed a lot usually just means the baby is stimulating a greater supply, not desperate for more. is something else going on? how old is your first?

PC - my DS was like this. He just seemed to want to feed and feed for the first 6 months.

When I started trying to wean him it was just as difficult. He pointblank refused anything, but would eat whatever he found lying around on the floor.

Seems to me like you are feeling pretty down, and you are focusing these feelings around b/feeding. Do you think maybe you have PND again? Might be worth seeing your HV or GP?

B/feeding isnt 'easy'. Not by any means. I think you have done brilliantly to get this far, you should feel proud of that. It can be more difficult to establish b/feeding when you have a toddler/older child running around too.

Give yourself a break

PC, like vvv said is it possible you have pnd again? If I was asked 2 weeks ago I would have said no bu have finally realised that I probably do have it again so the problems of b/f are escalated! Is this possible in your case?

PC: I have boobs that only fit an A cup when dd was still exclusively bf or when she had missed a feed. I only went up one cup size - from an AA. They don't make maternity bras that size so i stuck to wearing sports bras and tight vest tops. I don't think i was ever engorged when my milk came in and dd wasn't feeding well due to jaundice and rubbish bf advice in the hospital.

still we are still feeding at 22 months with no signs of stopping

she never slept through and still doesn't we cosleep and i am happy to feed her at night still.

in addition she Never Ever went even 2.5 hrs between feeds in fact, she usually went between 1.5 and 2 hrs, absolutely max in the daytime.

it is not how much milk your breasts can store. I read somewhere just recently that storing capacity can be 300% different in women but over 24 hrs, by feeding on demand, both women can produce the same amount fo milk. empty breasts make milk faster than full ones and as they feed, you are making milk. I do feel my letdowns and in 20 mins, i can feel multiple letdowns. they may only be half an oz or less, i am supposing but it was thick fatty milk.

(because i used to express at work and could measure them as i would get a second letdown if i kept expressing past when the milk stopped flowing)

hon, your body didn't bring you and your baby this far to let you down. trust your body and trust your baby.

and start to enjoy your baby.

What isn't working?

Ds2 was feeding 3-hourly round the clock, but his feeding intervals are getting shorter and sghorter. He feeds very poorly during the day, thrashing and flailing and yanking himself off so much that I can't feed him. Dd was also a flailer, I had ripped-up boobs for most of her first 2 years, so my tolerance for this is very high, I'm not wimping it, but also I know from experience that he takes in too much air when he flails at the boob and it's counterproductive to persist.

At night he feeds more calmly, and feeds so often that I lose track. We're co-sleeping and I just roll over an present a boob. But aroun 4-5am he gets more and more unsettled abnd can't be got back to sleep, even tho he's obviously tired.

That's alll background.

The last couple of nights dh gas given ds2 a bottle, once at 11ish and once at 4amish. After each bottle ds2 slept (though very difficult to settle as he's used to feeding himself to sleep) for nearly 3h, I had a chance to build yup a bit of milk and ds2 fed well and slept another 2h. And these two post-bottle feeds were the first time in a cople of months that he has fed steadily, calmy, wioth no flailing at all, just gentle rythmic pulsings of his hands.

So I think his flailings are because not enough milk is coming down to him.

pc i am no expert but becuase i had so many problems i did read a lot. this sounds absolutely classic growth spurt and if you can possibly manage to keep going it will prob settle down soon. but i think you coudl probably do with some better advice, have you tried any of the counselling lines? supportive gp / hv??

Do you think it could actually be the reverse PC? Maybe your initial let down is pretty fast and it is making him gag?

I've seen tiktok mention this before. I strongly suspect this was my DS's problem (although he wouldnt take a bottle either).

Maybe you could keep feeding him from one side for a few hours (and express off the other side), or express a little before the feed to slow down the let down? Might be worth a try?

If not, go with the formula. It's really not worth you getting so stressed about. Motherhood is hard enough.

I do think a trip to the GP is worthwhile too.

PC have you seen a BF counsellor?

You're doing fantastically well, considering it's been so bloody hard.

You should be very, very proud of yourself.

But a trained professional might be able to give you some practical help as well as moral support.

I don't think I have pnd. I'm tired and a bit low , but not depressed. Low! Hahaha. I spent most of this afternoon in tears with ds2 inconsolable in my arms and was crying when I started this thread. But still, it's bnot what I would recognise as pnd. But I'm sure my feelimgs re formula are noyt entirely rational - they're emotionsal. I've not had any issues with ds2 gettingthe occasional carton of f - he's had one from time to time to enable ne to do other needful tjings - but the bloody great tub that dh bought today...I can feel it looming at me from the kitxchen. And it does upset me deeply.