Can I ask, how hard is breastfeeding? Honestly?

[Firstimer2015]

I'm overdue with DC1, so have been possibly stupidly reading online about bf to try and prepare myself for what's to come.

I'm not adverse to formula feeding at all, in fact I don't know anyone who has breastfed so ff is the norm to me. However, I decided months ago to give bf a try because of the health benefits, but also, mostly because I thought it would be easier.

I have an illness called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome so I get tired very quickly (although I know anyone with a newborn baby would be chornically tired!). I thought bf would be easier, in that I wouldn't have to get up and make bottles, wait for them to be ready, steralise them etc etc, especially in the middle of the night. I thought I could just put the baby on my boob without having to even get up and it would be easier that way.

I'm having doubts now though. I knew before it can be painful if the latch isn't right so your nipples can be sore etc, but what I really, really didn't anticipate was how often babies feed! As I said, I've only ever been around ff babies, so I'm used to them feeding every 3 hours or so. I had no idea bf can sometimes be every 2 hours, and for hours and hours at a time (cluster feeding I think I read it's called).

It's just made me question my decision, as I thought bf would be the easier option (that is of course, if baby takes to it - have bought bottles just in case) but now I'm wondering if it's actually the harder option?

I just want to do best by my baby, but also I don't want to wear myself out so much that I'm unable to care for the baby properly, so just wondered what other peoples experiences are?

I wasn't being negative George, just honest.

Me too, George - the OP asked for real life experiences, not the TV version of "pop her on your chest and she'll latch on of her own accord and away you go". I would be lying if I didn't say that it hurt like hell; I would also be lying if I didn't say that I don't regret at all persevering and coming out the other side

If you are thinking about breastfeeding then seek out a local support group, probably at a children's centre and ask for someone to go through the mechanics, ask them as many questions and for lots of tips.

I BF bothy children and I think the biggest mistake I made was assuming BF was like FF but just from a boob instead. It really isn't, it's true the first few days and weeks can be hard, especially if you are thinking that you just pop them on and they drink and are full up for a good hour or two. In reality all that coming on/off the boob and many frequent feeds is the baby building up your milk supply. So sitting I. With baby having endless cuddles and boob action is totally normal. It may seem like hard work, but when you BF the hormone released will naturally help your womb contract back to normal and reduce the post birth bleeding phase. You also have none of that faff of sterilising. When thinks settle down you will come to appreciate not having to make up fresh bottles. So many people I know have said they wish they meet gave up BF at 6 weeks because of they want to go out for the day with baby they have to lug the milk/bottles with them.

Yes growth spurts are tough, and 6 weeks is the worst but if you just accept that is the way it is and not fight it, I find it does help.

Sometimes if you have flat or inverted nipples you do get pain with a good latch, as the baby is stretching the skin, but this does die down after a couple of weeks.

I haven’t read all of the replies so apologies if this has already been covered, but I think the emotional side of it is as hard as the physical side when you’re breastfeeding, particularly when you are a first time parent. We had premature twins which meant I was determined to breastfeed to ease the guilt (I thought if they were still in my tummy they’d have fed from me so given that I was unable to keep them in, it was the least I could / should do – with the benefit of hindsight it probably wasn’t a healthy approach to feeding, but just gives you an idea of my mindset). I also had quite a lot of help getting it established (as we were all still in hospital) but even then, you are new to parenting (as is your husband) and you’re looking at each other with no idea why a baby is crying or not sleeping and you worry that they’ve not had enough. With a bottle, you can see they’ve had 2oz or 4oz or whatever it is, boobs are not fitted with a gauge unfortunately. So I think breastfeeding is hard because you question yourself all the time – is the latch right, have they had enough, is it good quality milk, have I eaten / drank something that is giving them wind / making them unsettled – it can be emotionally draining as well as physically draining. When you’ve had no sleep for 2 weeks and your H suggests that they’re crying because they’re hungry and you feel like you’ve done absolutely nothing but be a cow for a fortnight, it also isn’t great for marital relations. You can’t ever say with 100% certainty that yes, they’re well fed so its something else.

Physically, it hurt. At first. And for quite a long time afterwards. When they initially latched on, I had to literally count to 10 to get through the first few sucks gritting my teeth. My nipples cracked, bled, my boobs were painful pretty much all the time for the first month, but if they went for more than a couple of hours without feeding, my boobs would be so swollen with milk it would reduce me to tears. I also leaked quite a lot. With DD3 (also breastfed) who went 12 hours after her very first breastfeed, I was in such pain I sobbed down the phone to the midwife at the hospital saying I couldn’t do it.

BUT – it does get easier. They get more efficient at feeding, you get more confident, you don’t have to prepare bottles, you can be done with a feed in the night in 20 minutes, it’s a wonderful feeling once you get past the pain, and it does have superior health benefits over formula. My twins, who were born at 27 weeks, didn’t have any chest infections / colds / illness until they were 19 months (which they would probably have been prone to because of their lungs). It also gives you quite a good excuse to sit down rather a lot and in my case, eat (I was sooo hungry all the time). But I agree that there is no right or wrong way to feed, it is whatever works for you. But it was much harder than I ever anticipated to start with.

It isn't negative, maybe just representative. The reality is that 'breast is best' is the only message you get out of hcp, not etc but women still give up largely by 6 weeks.

The reasons why vary hugely but mostly women either can't do it or feel they lack supply, are exhausted or in pain, just hate feeling like a cow and so on.

Personally, I did 6 weeks and wasn't seeing any improvement. Ds was incredible fussy, never seemed full and I hated the Boob being the answer to everything. If I was holding him he wanted to be fed, which was really sore as the let down was incredibly painful. It literally made me cry.

We were all much happier on the bottle. Dh was involved. Ds slept and was content between feeds.

BUT some babies are better and some mums more patient and willing to never leave the house or sleep!

It's very dependent on each individual pair I think. My daughter fed every 2 hours in the day, cluster fed in evenings until about 8 weeks, but slept 4-5hour stretches from 1 week and 8 hours by 6 weeks. I never had any pain or difficulty feeding at all. On the other hand she wouldn't take a bottle - expressed or formula meaning I did feel a little trapped at times. I echo what others have said- start off breastfeeding, give it a few weeks and go from there.

nottheOP your experience was exactly the same as mine. Especially the 'we were all much happier'. DH was getting really really concerned about me.

It's also worth looking into the support services available in your area. Find out contact details for La Leche League, and if your area has a breastfeeding support team. If I'd known about those services with DD1 I probably wouldn't have ended up mix feeding from 2 months, and then solely FF from 5 months.

With DD2 I researched what my issue was with DD1 (oversupply and/or fast letdown) and knew what to do if that happened again. It did, and after a very difficult first week it became easy and lovely to breastfed. She's nearly a year old now and we're still going.

I don't have CFS but I do have another condition which makes me tired. I found that making sure I ate loads of calories and drank plenty. DD2 fed OFTEN for the first few months.

For me:
Physically it was easy. A few days of sore nipples but nothing unmanageable. I was very lucky with both my DC and had no problems by at all latching or feeding.

Psychologically it was draining. I seemed to be feeding constantly, and because the default to any crying was to stick them on the boob, it all seemed to fall to me. Day and night. Expressing was a faff which meant I never got a break. I began to feel out of control and resentful.

For purely selfish reasons I stopped both times at 3 months and (coincidentally?) everything became easier. They slept much much better, I got into a routine and generally a sense of control and shared care emerged.
I'm glad I managed 3 months but it was enough for me.

There are benefits and stresses to breastfeeding. To be truthful, I think the majority find it difficult - either the baby, or the mother, or both. But for me, the benefits outweighed the stress.

• Health
• Happy hormones
• Convenience (not needing to prep anything particularly when out and about, or have to leave somewhere at a specific time because you didn't bring a bottle. You can go shopping and pop to a changing room to feed.)
• Convenience, being able to sleepily bring the baby into bed and feed lying down
• Satisfaction. I did it!
• Satisfaction. I grew that baby with my milk!
• Being able to eat loads and not put on weight. I love food!
• Bonding, with baby, but also other Mums who were doing it.

The thing which helped me keep going was a) expecting it to be difficult so it wasn't some big, old shock and b) Realising that it hurt even if you're doing it right.

Lansinoh was my saviour. As was MN.

Fed both mine for 9 months. First child every single minute of it was hideous and I hated it. Second child was a piece of piss.

Children are 11 & 9 now - guess which one is the challenge?!

Mine are 16 and 13 now, and I can honestly say that if it wasn't for threads on MN I don't think I would even think about how I fed them as babies.

But I remember it all like it was yesterday strangely though.

I think personality comes into it too. For example somebody said they hated the fact that boob was the answer to everything. I loved that!

I think it helps tremendously to have realistic expectations and know a bit about how it works. For example in the early days your breasts will get big and hard and uncomfortable between feeds, but that isn't because they need to fill up with milk before you feed the baby. It's because in at first your body goes mad trying to produce enough milk for ravenous triplets, just in case. Then you need to adjust to normal supply. Supply doesn't always show in a nice predictable way. So learn how to read the signs that it does show.

And as regards pain - it should not be painful, and pain is usually a sign of a problem which needs to be checked. But there are some normal things which can cause pain. For example the first 20 seconds or so might be painful as the baby gets latched. But after that, it shouldn't be.

My one tip for breastfeeding would be: ask around (or on MN) for the details of a really good lactaction consultant, and set aside some funds to pay for them to visit you, at the first sign of difficulties.

There are a lot of BF problems which can develop into much bigger difficulties if you don't get the right advice but can be solved very quickly if you do.

Bear in mind that BF is tiring in itself because you are using up energy producing milk. On the other hand it produces positive hormones so swings and roundabouts...

As pps have said. You are doing well researching now. Get support and have baby checked for tongue tie if it is difficult and painful. With regard to CFS as you know no two people react the same way but BF is widely believed to keep a mother boosted whilst BFing. Some find their symptoms ease during pregnancy too. Best thing for baby is a happy Mum. Once BF is established it is so convenient and is perfect nutrition for your baby and an instant comforter. Good luck OP. We are here day and night if you need any support when baby arrives.

Thanks very much for all the replies everyone - I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply with your experiences.

The overwhelming thing I've got from everyone is that the beginning is the hardest. If I can get past that, I will be ok. It's just the beginning might be really hard anyway if I'm unwell after the birth, so I guess I'm just going to have to wing it and see how it goes!

I have bottles and a steriliser just in case, so if I just can't do it/it's affecting my health too much, at least I have that in the house as an option.

What Captain said about thinking bf was like ff just with a boob is spot on...I really thought it would be like that...so I guess I am in for a reality check!

I think I will still give bf a try, but I'll go in with an open mind, accept support whilst I'm in hospital, and if I'm too unwell to do it, then at least I tried - no need to guilt trip myself over it. Baby needs me well more than it needs breast milk I guess.

A good friend of mine advised me against getting bottles etc "just in case", her reasoning being that if I really needed them then I could get some from a shop or even from the hospital, but having them there might mean I gave in too easily.

There was one time - it was 4am, I felt like I'd been feeding all night, baby wasn't settling, boobs felt empty, I was crying, DH didn't know what to do.
That may well have been the time we'd reached for the bottle, but as we didn't have one, we carried on and of course he did settle in time, I got some rest and a shower, it got light and we carried on.

Just something to consider.

I think an open mind is the best approach. I am a firm advocate of BF, but I also believe there is a place for formula and thank goodness we have it.

At a breastfeeding class I attended whilst pregnant the class leader made the observation that it is not the mother who breastfeeds, it is the baby, the mother simply makes the breast available. That was a revelation to me and made the whole thing much simpler in my mind with regard to worries over doing it "right" or "wrong". Agree with others that it's painful at first but worth persevering.

I'm afraid I'm going to disagree with a PP that BFing only hurts when the latch is wrong - mine hurt like fuck for several weeks, and I was assured I had a 'beautiful latch' according to several midwives. It gets said a lot that if it hurts you're doing it wrong - IME that's not always the case, and I think it gives women the impression that they're failing when it does hurt, and this contributes to people giving up. It's not necessarily true. Sometimes I think women just have sensitive nipples, a barracuda baby (that was my problem) or a cluster feeder.

That said, again, it's fine now. My nipples just needed to toughen up a bit.

buttonmoon, I'm not going to shoot you down for saying BFing is sometimes boring!

At times I've found it insanely dull. A few key things:

1. Set yourself up in front of the TV
2. If you've got an android device or similar, BBC Iplayer and radio Iplayer and invaluable, as is Facebook
3. Make sure your mobile's within reach so you can chat to friends while you're there
4. Put a good book next to your feeding chair. I read a lot of short stories. It helps me to feel like my brain's not completely atrophied.

Honestly, breastfeeding was harder than formula feeding for me. I breastfed DC1 until 6 weeks, supplemented with formula, and gave up then and went to FF. We had some issues with reflux, which I attributed to formula at the time, but my DC2 had the same issues and has been EBF since birth so clearly I just produce refluxy babies!

With DC1, we just picked a formula that worked for him, picked a bottle type he liked and we were done for the year until he could take cow's milk. With DC2 I have had all the responsibility on me alone and have had to constantly problem solve. From the latch, to oversupply, to different feeding positions and then blocked ducts / risk of mastitis etc. It was a steep learning curve. And contrary to the midwife's advice, it didn't get much easier for me after the first 6 weeks. When my DD hit 12 weeks she went through a nursing strike where the only position she would feed in is if I was standing up and rocking her while I fed her. And then only for a few minutes so I was constantly feeding her round the clock. Since 6 months things have been a little better but it's never been convenient or easy for me.

Still, I'm glad I stuck it out this time so I can say I did it for the year anyway so I have no regrets as first time around I did feel guilty for having gone down the FF route with my DS. All I would say is that breastfeeding is not the straightforward choice that FF is. Babies like to keep us guessing and supply changes, latch changes, they get teeth etc. But it's an experience that's worth trying for anyway and not everyone struggles with it.

I think it gives women the impression that they're failing when it does hurt, and this contributes to people giving up

Yes, Eeek, very true - this was what happened with my DC1. Everyone told me bf only hurt if you're doing it wrong but it hurt like FUCK for me and no-one could see anything wrong with the latch. It never got better for the first six weeks so then I gave up because I thought I was obviously doing something wrong and was miserable. With DC2, I used nipple shields and they were great. Kept me going through the hard phase where I gave up with DC1.

So that's another tip, OP, if you are struggling, don't pay attention to advice about not using shields. If they get you through a rough patch, just use them!

Easy easy, IME

I often think BF would be easier if you hadn't just had a baby. Bf on it's own might have been easier than BF with no sleep and recovering from the birth/stitches etc. Sometimes it's all a bit overwhelming.

solas, I used shields - still do. In fact I'm typing with DD attached to my right breast, feeding via a shield. I drop in the odd shield-free feed to keep her used to it, in case I drop the shield in a pile of dog poo when I'm out or something . . .

My MW was lovely, and when I told her how much feeding hurt she suggested using shields - in her words, anything that keeps breast milk going into the baby is a good thing. I worried at first that I was doing something wrong in using them, but at six weeks I decided I was just going to stop thinking about it.

I think the shields helped me to heal, and they also helped me feel I was doing something about the situation. I needed to feel I still had some agency.

Also disagree that it only hurts if your latch is wrong. I had a private lactation consultant and a local peer supporter round to the house who said our latch was absolutely spot on. Still bloody hurt.