Breastfeeding is grinding me down and making me miserable

[chocciechip]

I don't have an option to not breastfeed: history of breast cancer in the family, DH asthmatic etc. I also fed DD until she was fifteen months and she is fantastically healthy so I feel DS deserves the same start.

Problem is, DS (9 weeks) has reflux and vomits a lot of every meal. He also needs to be taken on and off before I get a decent latch with every feed. I absolutely hate feeding in public at the best of times, but these two factors make it very hard to feed while I'm out. It's impossible to manage latches and vomiting under a cover, and impossible to be discreet without. If I ignore the latch in favour of discretion - which I do do - I end up with incredibly painful nipples for days. In fact, I don't think I've been totally pain free since he was born. I have found it increasingly stressful being out and dealing with that, to the point I now just can't face it.

DS also won't take a bottle of EBM - which DD did and it made the world of difference to the feeding experience. He feeds every 2 hours and we live in a rural location which gives me no window to get out and back in time for next feed.

So I am pretty much trapped at home, or I am struggling and intensely stressed while out. I literally stink with the smell of sweat I get so stressed by it.

Today DH and DD are at my nieces 21st, having a nice lunch at a restaurant with the whole family and then afternoon tea and cake afterwards. It's too cold to feed in the car, and I couldn't face being at a table with a large audience while dealing with the vomit, screaming, cover-up rigmarole. So this morning I watched DD wrapping the present as a 'pass the parcel' (in her mind no party is a party without pass the parcel) and know I'm going to be missing out on her at her sweetest, and I feel utterly fucking wretched - isolated, left out and alone. I can't stop crying. I feel I have no good options - either way I am screwed. I've been on my own all week and I'm on my own on the weekend too

To make matters worse, I deal with a screaming vomiting baby all week on my own and that is so hard, and it feels bloody crap to have to do it on the weekend too. I am dreading the next five days ahead before I get a chance to share the burden.

How do I get DS to take a bottle? If he doesn't then I have a pretty miserable lonely time ahead of me.

I don't have time to write a proper reply (ds lying awkwardly on me while feeding)

He's 4 months now and never took a bottle so I sympathise. It is SO bloody hard, the hardest thing I've ever done (but also the most rewarding).

What I will say is that after 12 weeks, things do get easier. Reflux etc settles down, baby can sit in a bouncer and keep busy while you grab a coffee, stretches feeds etc etc.

Winter is hard. Hang on in there and know you're not alone xx

Oh and I go almost everywhere with dh and kids. You would be surprised at how settled baby can be when out and about compared to being at home. Very important for you too.

It's the going out part that's broken me. I desperately need to get out the house, and I want to be with DD out as well. I wish I didn't care about flashing my breasts in public, but I really do. And it's got nothing to do with whether anyone around me is bothered either. I'm just very uncomfortable about it. I have scars on my brests from biopsies and I just need my privacy. And DS is impossible to feed discretely. After another failed attempt with abottle I feel quite crushed.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. Does dh know how you feel? It's hard feeling as though you are stuck in the middle of nowhere, are there any groups or anything you can go to? Bf groups in particular.
Fwiw, both my dsis and I were both bf and she struggled with asthma as a child where mine started in my teens.
It will get easier

Sometimes it's easier for someone else to give a bottle. They can smell the milk from you and want it from the source.. Could you maybe nip out with dd for an hour or so and leave dh to try?

DH gave it a try last night when j had a bath. DS just screamed and pushed at the teat with his tongue. The only milk that went in was what dribbled in. He choked on that when it went to the back of his mouth. aaargh. We ended up having to chuck the rest of the milk which was annoying.

Yeah. That is annoying. Especially when expressing is such a chore.
Maybe just keep trying? Sorry, I'm not being very helpful. Both of mine refused the bottle, so I do sympathise xx

I think in your shoes I would persevere with the bottle - try a slow flow teat, try feeding a little before he would normally bf, get someone else to offer the bottle when you are out of the room. Just keep at it every day, obviously not till he becomes upset, just enough so that he becomes familiar with the feel, smell etc of the teat, and will eventually accept it.

Also, if you have not yet got to "totally pain free" feeding, this needs sorting - have you got any RL bf support?

I know it is hard, but I'd try and let go of the idea that your ds needs the same amount of bf as his sister; different babies, different circumstances. You can only do what is best for you in the circumstances xx

Have you tried giving infacol to help with wind problems and sling feeding? If you use a long wrap and a front-carry it gives a lot more privacy and helps keep them upright & less likely to vomit a lot after a feed. I had months with DS of having to use nipple shields (very hard to do discretely) and him wanting very frequent, long feeds and having a lot of trouble keeping feeds down - I'd have gone nuts if I hadn't been able to take him for very long walks, sit in cafes with him and generally get out & about as much as possible.

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.

Just wondered whether any of the following would help:

• ask people to come to you instead of meeting out and about so you can disappear somewhere to feed without having to cover up
• meet somewhere which you know has a feeding room (Tesco, John Lewis?)
• go to a friend's/relative's house and ask to use a separate room to feed

Princess, I doubt I'll get to 15 months with DS at this rate. But the not taking a bottle is holding me hostage to BF right now!

I've had my latch checked umpteen times - and by about five different people. All think it looks fine. I think the occasional bad latch - when I'm out using a cover - keeps setting me back. At home I adjust and adjust until it's fine. DS pulls back marginally every time he latches on - I don't know why. This is what I can't manage when out. As well as the vomiting.

Is there any way you an make the car warm enough that you'd feel comfortable feeding there? Or any local shopping centres etc that you can head for that have nice feeding rooms? As feeling stuck at home can't be easy, especially with an older one.

Also, you've done this before... It seems a bit odd that you're still not pain free when he's 9wo. Is something not quite right with the latch or do you think it might be worth getting him checked for tongue tie? If you have good BFing support locally, they might be able to help?

Shoestring - DS is on Omazrapole (sp?). We've passed the infacol and infant gaviscon options. I can't say I've seen a noticeable improvement in vomiting, but he does seem to be doing less screaming. He vomits even when upright. I feed him almost lyingon my back so he's drinking against gravity and the feed is as slow as possible. It's really hard.

Imeg - I see friends once a week, but it's days like today, missing a family function at a venue I can't control and time with DD that hurts.

Sorry, x-posted re:latch. It still seems a bit odd that you're still having to readjust so much at this stage, though hopefully it might get better in the near future. It's good you have lots of BF support, even if that hasn't sorted it yet.

Redkite - DD was tongue tied, DS is fine. I think it's all related to his reflux and discomfort, that's all I can assume now. I feel totally trapped. Have been trying to go out in spite of all but get seriously stressed and upset each time. Not to mention added pain because of bad latches when out. I feel I'm at the end of my tether and out of options,. With the exception of just tolerating exposure in public, and everyone seeing my breast and battles with vomit. And I'm just not made that way - wish I was. It is really getting me down.

EBM was my last hope, and he just won't take a bottle.

I was where you were. Exactly! It sucks big time.

I found feeding too aften (on demand) made his reflux worse, better to feed. burp (BURP religiously!) then wait until his stomach is empty for the next feed (about3.5 hours later).

You need to get into a routine, on demand feeding can work, but it did not work for us and the paediatrician said feeding at more regular intervals was better for his tim.

Also, it is hard to wean a baby onto the bottle if he can smell (see, feel) you. That could only work with your partner probably.

I would let partner try with powder milk, to be honest.

That si what we did, eventually. Though I stuck out the boob feeds until he started weaning round 5 months. Fuck it was miserable, I wish someone and told me it was o.k. to stop breastfeeding if it is such misery.

My boy used to arch his back and scream mid feed. or latch on then off so my boob sprayed milk all in his face. I could NOT feed him in public, ever, as a result. I ended up isolated and depressed and hating my life.

So please be kind of yourself, don't feel guilty about whatever you decide.

I sympathise DD2 is 17 weeks, refuses bottle, exposes my boobs to the world when out and is a puker. I have no advice but offering my sympathy, you are not alone.

Chandon - DS won't sleep during the day, unless on me. I don't know if that is reflux related as well. But we don't have a routine. Feeding and sleeping ruled my cruddy existence. I get nothing but tantrums from DD now: I think she's learned negative attention is the only attention she'll get.

This positive bonding experience called BF is driving a wedge between me and my DD and affecting me mentally now.

I have the same milk spraying issues you had, but only from my right breast. When I was with friends on Friday I left milk and vomit stains on her couch. Just awful!

I am not precious about BF at all, and would happily mix it up - if he'd take a bottle - the little sod! But I am loath to stop completely because strong genetic history of breast cancer and feel I need to do this for my health as much as him - maybe more so. But it is bloody awful.

I personally think BF is much harder than formula, and I think there isn't enough honesty about that. I am so unprepared, despite this being my second child, for everything that goes wrong and how to fix it. I feel I've been trying and trying and am at meltdown point.

Thanks for all the replies. It's making this afternoon a bit easier to get through. I'm feeling pretty pathetic.

Can someone tell me the best way to protect milk supply. I was feeding on demand, one boob at a time each time. Then read on here that that was not good and I should offer both each time.

So how do I know when hindmilk has been reached, and when to switch?

And if I go left then right, do I start next feed on right or left? I've been starting on right ( I think I read that on here). But really not sure. Will ask HV tomorrow as well.

choccie I understand that the reduction in the risk of breast cancer given by breastfeeding is quite small (maybe less than 5%), and that it depends on your age, how long you feed for, and how many children you've breastfed. This is only based on internet research (and we all know how reliable that can be!), but I'd think that the stress this is causing you could well negate any benefits.

DD was ebf until weaning, and I'm still bfing now. If I could turn back time I'd ff or mf from day 1. I felt trapped too, and her silent reflux caused her to latch on and off which made me uncomfortable feeding in public (to the point that I still don't do it, and she is 1). I missed family weddings, friends' funerals, and lots of other chances to get out because of it, and I still have PND. You aren't alone in not enjoying bfing, and I just wanted you to know that, and to gently suggest that you change things early on while you have plenty of time. I don't think there would be any harm in your DH trying a bottle of formula sometimes, but if not perhaps a sippy cup from 4 months would give you a break? I'm worried about how down you sound. You aren't pathetic at all, you're having a hard time so please be kind to yourself.

Hi hope you're feeling better - just another thing to add - my daughter who is also a terrible latcher likes breastfeeding sitting up - might help with a refluxy baby - she's only 4 weeks so not much head control but manages. You might manage that with a scarf over you?

We also have a bottle that is supposed to mimic breastfeeding - not sure what you're using but maybe another bottle would help too?

Good luck x

Offering both each time is all very well if you have a non-vomiting baby, but if you do, it can mean they just vomit more up.

I fed my sicky DS from one side each feed, every two hours and my supply was fine. If offered both sides he would then vomit the whole feed instead of just a bit of it, he needed little and often to keep it down.

I understand your pain with the milk and vomit stains, my entire house was covered in muslins. Wherever baby might be laid down, a muslin was under his head. Feeding = draped in muslins. We had blankets covering our sofas. He did become less vomity around 4 months and around 5 months I clearly remember him getting to bedtime wearing the same clothes he started the day in.

Sorry, x-post. I think your milk supply will regulate itself if you carry on ebf to a schedule. I was bfing on demand, and I agree with a previous poster that it isn't necessarily the way to go with a refluxer. Could you speak to a lactation consultant (our local Sure Start centre had a really useful one) if you're worried?