Breastfeeding is grinding me down and making me miserable

[chocciechip]

I don't have an option to not breastfeed: history of breast cancer in the family, DH asthmatic etc. I also fed DD until she was fifteen months and she is fantastically healthy so I feel DS deserves the same start.

Problem is, DS (9 weeks) has reflux and vomits a lot of every meal. He also needs to be taken on and off before I get a decent latch with every feed. I absolutely hate feeding in public at the best of times, but these two factors make it very hard to feed while I'm out. It's impossible to manage latches and vomiting under a cover, and impossible to be discreet without. If I ignore the latch in favour of discretion - which I do do - I end up with incredibly painful nipples for days. In fact, I don't think I've been totally pain free since he was born. I have found it increasingly stressful being out and dealing with that, to the point I now just can't face it.

DS also won't take a bottle of EBM - which DD did and it made the world of difference to the feeding experience. He feeds every 2 hours and we live in a rural location which gives me no window to get out and back in time for next feed.

So I am pretty much trapped at home, or I am struggling and intensely stressed while out. I literally stink with the smell of sweat I get so stressed by it.

Today DH and DD are at my nieces 21st, having a nice lunch at a restaurant with the whole family and then afternoon tea and cake afterwards. It's too cold to feed in the car, and I couldn't face being at a table with a large audience while dealing with the vomit, screaming, cover-up rigmarole. So this morning I watched DD wrapping the present as a 'pass the parcel' (in her mind no party is a party without pass the parcel) and know I'm going to be missing out on her at her sweetest, and I feel utterly fucking wretched - isolated, left out and alone. I can't stop crying. I feel I have no good options - either way I am screwed. I've been on my own all week and I'm on my own on the weekend too

To make matters worse, I deal with a screaming vomiting baby all week on my own and that is so hard, and it feels bloody crap to have to do it on the weekend too. I am dreading the next five days ahead before I get a chance to share the burden.

How do I get DS to take a bottle? If he doesn't then I have a pretty miserable lonely time ahead of me.

Lord in this situation choccie I would really consider stopping, you sound miserable and you are just at the high risk point for post natal depression, which is wretched and no good for you, your baby or your family either. I totally understand that you want to give both children an equivalent experience, but actually you're not are you? You feel stressed and trapped and unhappy feeding DS in a way that you didn't with your DD. You are not enjoying his early babyhood in the same way. He is bound to be picking up on your tension and worry when you try to feed out, and your desperation at being stuck in all day. And as you say, your relationship with DD (and DH) matters too. The 'sole responsibility' for feeding that comes with breastfeeding is hard enough with a baby who is hungry and easy to feed (I found) but must be much harder with a refluxy, vomity baby, you must feel constantly a bit rejected.

I breastfed DS till 10 months, though mix fed from around 4 months. I never enjoyed it (and for me it also perpetuated some health problems of pregnancy) but persisted because he loved it so much and obviously found it easy (and also because as you say there is such massive pressure around the whole issue). We had a lot of probs with 'bottle strike' for the mix feeding, but we persisted and he got there in the end. As I remember we had most luck early on with the "Dr Brown" bottles, if you haven't tried those. I am expecting DS2 any day now and we have already decided that I will stop breastfeeding much earlier on if I don't enjoy it more, or if DS2 (unlike DS1) has difficulties with it because really in retrospect I don't think it was worth it. (DH has asthma which still troubles him as an adult so I understand that worry.) We will definitely be doing some mix feeding from the beginning.

Re: the breast cancer, isn't it a certain total of lifetime months breastfeeding that offers protection? I'm sure you've looked into this very exhaustively but if you breastfed your DD for 15 months you might be near or have exceeded that total already?

Finally, there's a 'high needs' baby thread running at the moment, have you looked at that? DS was good at feeding but wanted to do it endlessly and was definitely 'high needs' and I wish that thread had been running then. He's a truly delightful toddler though, MUCH easier than he was as a baby so there's light at the end of the tunnel.

If it's making you miserable then stop. I tried breastfeeding with DD but had same problems as yourself, feeling isolated because she feed every hour and I couldn't go out and not liking breastfeeding in public. I haven't ever beat myself up over the decision to stop breastfeeding, it's a personal choice.

My DD is now a happy, healthy, loving 3 yr old and breastfeeding is only one among many factors that contributes towards creating healthy happy children. Just don't get too fixated on trying to provide this one component if it's being detrimental overall

I think very new studies have shown that there is no significant advantage of bf for the child, asthma, BMI, IQ etc. included.
I am not so sure about the breast cancer risk, but In your situation I would definitely think about ff.

Have you seen a IBCLC Lactation Consultant?

Is your LO on meds for the reflux? Gaviscon is often given but I would recommend trying Ranitidine. Domperidome (sp?) is good for vomiting but there are issues with it being prescribed at the mo. Are you on a waiting list to see a paediatric consultant?

Have you tried nipple shields for feeding in public? DD2 wouldn't accept silicone ones but we did get a latch with latex ones. Ditto bottles. She would accept ebm from DH and MIL with the NUK latex teat.

Pumping ebm. It's hard to fit it in with a toddler! Would you consider donor ebm? A group called Human Milk for Human Babies could help with this. They can put you in touch with local bf mums would will express for you.

Have you tried a dummy? We found it helped after every feed with DD1 to keep the milk in her stomach and reduce the impact of the acid.

A sling. Do you have one? Sleeping upright is much easier for refluxy babies. DD1 lived in hers! We had a stretchy wrap and then an Ergo.

Do you have a cot wedge? Or, can you prop up the end of the cot with books?

Have you heard of littlerefluxers.co.uk? Lots of great advice and practical suggestions there. It's worth joining.

Can you go to local bf cafés and LLL groups to get out? You can feed without worrying about being discreet.

Is your HV any good? Does she know you are struggling? Could you get support from Home Start through her?

Have you spoken to the Infant Feeding Specialist at the hospital where you gave birth? The mat ward will have her phone number.

Hugs, OP. Reflux is hellish for everyone.

Have you phoned a BF helpline? I found the LLL excellent.

You could also email Dr Jack Newman for advice.

I would keep trying different bottles. I can relate to problems feeding when out. Ds started screaming every time I bf and I would get so stressed - in the end we stopped and ff. However a month ago he started screaming when tried to feed even though clearly hungry. To be out and about and having a screaming hungry baby is horrible. I didn't know what to do. DEFINITELY get people to come to you and be gentle on yourself.

Found the study www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0277953614000549

Regarding the reflux, also consider tongue tie and CMPI. Milk Matters may be able to help, depending on where you live.

Ladies I can't FF unless he takes a bottle, so the option of stopping isn't open to me yet. So far he won't. I would certainly consider it if he would, or at the very least mixed feeding. I'm trapped.

The other issue I have is that the meds he's on gives him a runny tummy. I think sticking with BF might be kinder to his tum in this instance. If he's not throwing up he's pooing. I changed him six times yesterday. And then using my free time scrubbing his clothes!!

So in my head I'd thought to stick it out till he's off the meds, and use a bottle of EBM to go out. I could cope with that. And then review it all after the magic 12 week mark.

But if he won't take a bottle I'm screwed on all fronts. I am really missing time with DD, and I am feeling very isolated.

We've got Dr Browns in the house. Is there anything he might prefer?

Sorry to hijack but does anyone have any bottle recommendations for refusers?. DD1 took a Tommee Tippee without fuss but DD2 has refused that and a Medela one (to be fair she also refuses a dummy and anything that's not me)....

I'll openly admit I know feck all about breast feeding as I'm a formula feeder, but would you be able to try a nipple sheild? That might protect your nipples a bit, and get ds used to a different texture in his mouth. Then gradually sneak in a bottle?

DD2 is a silicone teat refuser. We only have success with latex.

www.nuk.co.uk/product/nuk-first-choice-size-1-latex-teat-2-pack/

Latex dummies

www.nuk.co.uk/product/happy-kids-latex-soother-size-1-0-6m/

Latex nipple shields

www.amazon.co.uk/Chicco-00078-Latex-Nipple-Shield/dp/B002DY71W6

Thanks stargirl will give these a go, worth a try!

Do you have Multi-Mam compresses for your sore nipples?

www.multi-mam.com/multi-mamcompresses.html

Has anyone mentioned the possibility of CMPI? DD has it, is on Omeprazole too, but had a constant runny bum until I stopped dairy. It took a few weeks to see results, and we are both still dairy free at 1 year. Worth considering? It caused her reflux and some of her feeding trouble (along with a tongue tie, divided at 8 weeks).

What are the symptoms of CMPI? HV and GP haven't mentioned it as a possibility. It's a big deal for me to cut out dairy speculatively because I am vegetarian.

choccie and twiggie re: bottles I think we also tried NUK, MAM and 'Breastflow' bottles (having had no success with the more 'obvious' brands like Tommee Tippee). I think it was the Dr Brown's ones that worked best in the end, but perhaps it was the 'Breastflow' ones? Though they look quite similar on a quick google. You can def get latex teats for several of these brands.

When DS was on 'bottle strike' DH had more success than me, but it took lots of attempts. Good luck with it.

Have you tried the medela cal a bottles or others that are meant to mimic the action if breast feeding? It's a long shot & a bit if an expensive one at that...

I had a miserable time bfing ds1 & am in serious doubt as to how much I'm going to try again, due to the fear of feeling like that again. I have oodles of respect for how you're doing.

I'd recommend getting touch with the LA Leche League as my experience was a positive one & they might be that daily support on the phone that will help you cling onto sanity throughout all this.

Good luck x x

I'm veggie too choccie. I won't lie, it's been hard.

Right, her symptoms: DD gained weight, but slowly enough to bother the hv. After I gave up dairy she jumped from the 9th to 50th centiles in 3 weeks. She squirmed and pulled on and off screaming when feeding. She had silent reflux so hated laying down, and slept on my chest while I sat upright at night. She never slept much longer than an hour at a time at night, and would only nap on me having been fed to sleep. She developed spots, which were baby eczema. Her dirty nappies were constant and totally liquid and she went through three sets of clothes a day as a result, but I believe constipation can also be a symptom. She was also a bottle and dummy refuser, so I had little choice but to carry on feeding her and cut out dairy myself.

It might be worth having a chat to your HV about it.Mine first suggested it at 4 weeks and I stopped dairy for 3 weeks, but didn't see any results so ate it again. When I saw her reflux specialist she suggested cutting it out for 6 weeks to see any benefits, and it was like magic. It won't stop the problems with you being the only person that can feed him though, and I completely sympathise with you on that. Feeding on demand was a mistake for us in hindsight, and perhaps if you could move slowly to a feeding schedule then t would give you the freedom to plan outings in between feeds.

Thanks for the tips. Have tried the fancy Medela one (came with my pump) might try a latex dummy too as found it really helped DD1. It's so strange how two babies are so completely different in every way.

Hmmm. Not sure it's the same. DS does pull and cry while feeding but will sleep for a good chunk of time at night, and will sleep during the day if held (but not lying down). He does cry all the time, when he's either not sleeping or feeding. His weight is tracking the 25th centile so HV not worried, and his nappies have only become really loose after these new meds. So it doesn't sound entirely the same. The problem is so much of these issues have very similar symptoms. I will ask the HV what she thinks tomorrow though. Thanks for the suggestion.

I know it's not ideal but you could go to the loo to feed?

Hmm, now I know you said he had no tongue tie but are you sure there is no posterior tie? Has someone who really knows what they are lookibg for assessed his suck by puttibg their finger in his mouth and observing the tongue action.

Because you really really shouldn't be sore this far down the line.

PS have been where you are and it is horrid.

The feeling you are letting your DD down is totally normal and very common, BTW.