Breastfeeding is grinding me down and making me miserable

[chocciechip]

I don't have an option to not breastfeed: history of breast cancer in the family, DH asthmatic etc. I also fed DD until she was fifteen months and she is fantastically healthy so I feel DS deserves the same start.

Problem is, DS (9 weeks) has reflux and vomits a lot of every meal. He also needs to be taken on and off before I get a decent latch with every feed. I absolutely hate feeding in public at the best of times, but these two factors make it very hard to feed while I'm out. It's impossible to manage latches and vomiting under a cover, and impossible to be discreet without. If I ignore the latch in favour of discretion - which I do do - I end up with incredibly painful nipples for days. In fact, I don't think I've been totally pain free since he was born. I have found it increasingly stressful being out and dealing with that, to the point I now just can't face it.

DS also won't take a bottle of EBM - which DD did and it made the world of difference to the feeding experience. He feeds every 2 hours and we live in a rural location which gives me no window to get out and back in time for next feed.

So I am pretty much trapped at home, or I am struggling and intensely stressed while out. I literally stink with the smell of sweat I get so stressed by it.

Today DH and DD are at my nieces 21st, having a nice lunch at a restaurant with the whole family and then afternoon tea and cake afterwards. It's too cold to feed in the car, and I couldn't face being at a table with a large audience while dealing with the vomit, screaming, cover-up rigmarole. So this morning I watched DD wrapping the present as a 'pass the parcel' (in her mind no party is a party without pass the parcel) and know I'm going to be missing out on her at her sweetest, and I feel utterly fucking wretched - isolated, left out and alone. I can't stop crying. I feel I have no good options - either way I am screwed. I've been on my own all week and I'm on my own on the weekend too

To make matters worse, I deal with a screaming vomiting baby all week on my own and that is so hard, and it feels bloody crap to have to do it on the weekend too. I am dreading the next five days ahead before I get a chance to share the burden.

How do I get DS to take a bottle? If he doesn't then I have a pretty miserable lonely time ahead of me.

Just to chime in that everything you're saying suggests posterior/tongue tie. I'd seek another opinion personally.

Have you tried feeding your little one with a cup? just sort of pour a little bit of milk in his mouth. It might take longer, but could give you more freedom as you could do it when out and about, or your DH could do it while you go out. You could also try a syringe. Again, might be too time-consuming to do regularly, but maybe would give you the odd break.

Hi all, I'm finding it difficult to find someone to look into the tongue-tie issue in Scotland. Any suggestions?

Whynot - I'm currently using a syringe to feed DS his medication - only 5ml at a time but we struggle. He chokes a lot. Might try a cup as you suggest to see if it is any better. I'm not sure if I'd manage it out and about though.

There's something called a "doidy cup" (not sure of spelling) that I've seen people talk about for being babies milk - lots of people seem to swear by it if baby won't take a bottle. Might be worth looking into.

Also check out which stores in your area have feeding rooms, if you don't feel you can feed in public. Mothercare and Mamas And Papas generally do, as well as larger Boots stores and many shopping centres. It would let you go out knowing that you have somewhere to escape to to feed baby.

Haven't read through all the responses but my top tip for getting him on the bottle is to warm the milk more than you think it needs warmed. Use the microwave. DS1 is 5 months and we spent weeks trying to get him in the bottle from 3 wks. Every bottle, every teat, then one day I warmed the milk in the microwave rather than faffing around with cups of hot water so it was a bit warmer than usual and voila, we've never turned back. Worth a try.....

I would personally never warm EBM in the microwave. Asides from the danger of hot spots, it will degrade the milk somewhat.

For tongue-tie, have you been able to contact an IBCLC? They should at least be aware of assessment and treatment options.

Best of luck

Have you heard of a haberman feeder? It's a bottle especially for babies who can't feed or hate the bottle. I would give that at shot, you can buy them on Amazon they make them suck really hard like breast feeding and might buy you an hour or 2 to break free.

Your life at the moment sounds very difficult. Neocate formula is completely hypoallergenic and is for children with reflux, it is very expensive and I think it cost about €1000 a month for it when my daughter was a baby, it's very very safe for sensitive babies and a bottle of that every day would do no harm at all. I think you just need a bit of help to get over the hump here and I hope you get a lot of support from your family.

Whynot, I have a doidy cup but I would have thought its real strength is in helping an infant transition from bottle to open cup.

Leggings, the links shared to find an LBCLC threw up only one, two hours drive away from me. It'll take some planning to get there, so I really don't want to go unless I am pretty sure that's the issue. I need, for example, the thrush to clear up and whether the pain remains. I've posted a separate thread asking if anyone knows where to go to get a diagnosis near Edinburgh and so far no replies.

Here is the special feeder I mentioned above, www.amazon.co.uk/Medela-008-0112-Special-Needs-Feeder/dp/B000W728LA/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1421848330&sr=8-3&keywords=Haberman+feeder

Best of luck

3stars - gosh, that is pricey! Is the haberman feeder similar to the medela Calma (which I have one of but haven't tried yet). I've also just ordered one of the mam bottles someone on here swore by. And i have managed to express two 'sample' feeds of 20ml each to see if DS will like either.

It is actually! Sorry it's a lot, i didn't even look at the price but I saw it on the telly and it really worked. I hope you get a break soon x

Hi OP. Sorry you're having such an awful time It sounds like you've got lucky with a good HV, though.

I use MAM bottles for my EBF DS2 as DS1 was a total bottle refuser and they're the only ones he'd take (wouldn't entertain the Breastflow or Medela Calma bottles). He took them briefly for a few weeks around the four month mark then never again, nor would he take cups. DS2, mysteriously, is a dab hand with bottles and cups, and s Doidy cup is, actually perfect if you want to try that with your DS.

The way I got my boys to take bottles initially was to give them while heavily asleep. I know refluxy babies can be stupendously light sleepers, but it's worth a try. Give them once or twice a day, every day as a dreamfeed during a nap or night sleep, then try giving one just as he's waking up from a nap so that he wakes up sucking on it. It may start feeling more familiar to him, even if he can't really 'remember' how it got that way!

The other last-ditch trick I've read on here for bottle refusers is to put sugar on the teat and a little in the milk. I was just as reading this as you might be now, and never tried it myself, but desperate times...

As a different perspective on the tongue tie - DS2 had a posterior tongue tie snipped which completely eliminated all of the reflux symptoms he was having which was pretty amazing. BUT (and this is a big consideration for where you're at at the moment) things got much worse after the snip before they got better. PTT are known to have a four-week recovery period, during which, in my case, latch went to pot, he completely fell out with my right boob, and the bobbing on and off during feeds escalated. I honestly think that with the amount of effort it would take for you to get it diagnosed and snipped, followed by a few hellish weeks, he'd have outgrown any problems it might be causing. People can get excessively evangelical about the supposed problems a tongue tie can cause - and I'm saying this as the proud owner of a very thick tongue tie! I think in your case it's not worth the very real chance that a snip would make no difference, or at least make things worse in the short term.

Intolerances - there is a high rate of CMPI AND soya intolerance among refluxy babies so ideally, if BFing, you should exclude both for a minimum of four weeks to see if this helps. Again, where you are at the moment, you need to be kind to yourself, and eating like a vegan caveman is not going to help at all. I'm vegetarian and tried eliminating both. Dairy wasn't so bad but soya was impossible - no tofu, no meat substitutes as they virtually all contain soy, non-soya dairy substitutes are hard to find and they even put soya in bloody bread! Basically, if it's got flour in it, it's got soya. I was utterly miserable for a month, and I haven't got the borderline PND that you sound like you have. So, while I would ordinarily suggest dairy and soya elimination, I just think it would be another Everest to climb on top of everything else you're dealing with, and you'll just end up resenting your DS.

Your DD and her tantrums - we're just coming out the other side of DS1's new sibling adjustment. These are some strategies which helped us:

• get your DH to take DS out for an hour and spend one-to-one with DD, doing whatever she!wants to do so that she's in control and centre of your attention again.
• go overboard on cuddles and kisses, especially pinning her down so that she giggles and laughs while you're doing it.
• when she has a tantrum, just sit quietly with her while she lets it all out. Don't distract her, don't shout at her, just quietly offer a cuddle when she stops for breath, but let her express what she needs to, for as long as she needs to. When she finally comes to you, or to your DH, give her a huge cuddle and say, 'It's hard having a new baby brother isn't it?' That, after all, is why she's having the tantrums, but can't articulate it. Show her you understand and that she's still massively loved, and she'll get through it.

I hope you're getting through your day OK

I can't stress enough how similar this experience is to mine. I HATED every second. I am still going now 10 months later and I plan to stop at a year, as I feel that that is a good start for my DS. For me it got a lot easier at 6 months.

The poor latch, the vomit, the soreness and pain, the sweat, the tears, the total, complete and utter lack of social life, the MISERY of it all... during such a hot summer, I couldn't even cover up! I also had people constantly dismissing it as 'easy, natural, not difficult like FF', which made me want to scream but I couldn't because then I'd be judging FF - if it's so easy why doesn't everyone do It!!! I completely understand your sadness and I really do empathise.

Try and be as kind as you can to yourself. If you can get a wash but don't have time to do your hair then grab the dry shampoo and perfume, have a cuppa whenever you can grab the time and sit in a different room with it and breathe in some calm, if it's possible to sleep, do it, wear comfortable clothes and don't worry about looking perfectly turned out etc... Also, talk to the mums on here, they helped SO much.

You have to hang on in there, you can do it and you will and you will know that YOU did that for your baby. You will get through this.

You are not alone.

Just thought of another approach; quite a few IBCLC lactation consultants provide Skype consultations. That might be easier for you?

This is another one;

themilkmeg.com/when-unexplained-breastfeeding-pain-is-an-indicator-of-tongue-and-lip-ties/

There is a Scottish Tongue Tie Group on Facebook.

m.facebook.com/AssociationofBreastfeedingMothers/posts/818130724910909?fref=nf

m.facebook.com/groups/960034197363209

I want to thank everyone so much for the support and advice. It is all appreciated and I feel, if the nipple thrush doesn't prove to be prime cause of pain, then I have other avenues to explore should I need to, and the links to do it (thanks stargirl).

Elphab - you could be reading my mind. That's exactly my thinking. My experience with DDs tounge tie was I'm not sure it really made such a huge difference after all the hassle of getting it done. I am 100% willing to try what I need to try but he is growing fast and gaining weight respectably and the Omazrapole seems to be helping with the crying -a significant improvement - So i have to hope the vomiting can be tolerated a while longer (if it doesn't improve) and that it's not distressing him or impacting on his health terribly. I'm going to review it all at the 12 week mark when hopefully thrush will be over, and we'll stop the meds to see if he's grown past the reflux stage as well. I just have to grog my teeth and get there. I had 8hourz sleep last night - not sure why - but I feel more up to trying keeping going when I'm a bit rested.

I'm going to try the dreamfeed technique as well, thanks.

Ktab - I had a dire experience with feeding DD too, and a lousy delivery when she born. It's significant to me that when I found I was pregnant again it was the BFfing I dreaded more than anything. Not labour! With that experience behind me I have been rigorous about doing things by the book - no dummy to avoid nipple confusion, dodging antibiotics to avoid thrush etc - and damn it, here I am again with the added whammy he won't take a bottle (I should have given him a dummy!!)

There is a part of me quite angry with the way BF is dealt with in ante natal classes. Well, my classes certainly didn't give a hint of the potential hell to come and it set me up for feeling like a failure. I still feel like there must be something odd about me that it's happening twice, even with 15 months experience behind me. I am committed to BF, but I bloody hate it, and wish there was more honesty in advance.

How are you, chocciechip?

I totally agree regarding being angry at the lack of support etc. I'm certain it's made me ill and it has totally put me off having another baby.

Really hope you're alright.