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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Think I need to stop BFing. So upset.

109 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 03/12/2014 10:11

For the sake of my sanity and for the sake if mine and DS's relationship I think the time has come where I have to stop.

I can't cope anymore with his dependence on me. He won't sleep unless he is fed to sleep and he wakes constantly in the night for comfort feeds. He won't nap unless he's on me (if he naps at all) and unless we co-sleep he wakes all the time. I'm exhausted and so is he.

I'm so upset about it but the time has come to admit I can't keep this up anymore. I'm actually in tears writing this.

I'm going back to work in 7 weeks which is another factor in my decision but I still feel like I'm failing or giving up.

I don't know why I'm writing this - moral support and reassurance really. Tips?

I love my DS to pieces but our relationship is suffering because of how utterly frustrated I am with it and things are getting worse, not better. It's affecting me and DH too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/12/2014 12:02

I didn't feed him at 4.30am because he'd had a really big feed at 1am. Well it was 20 minutes which is long for him. I knew at 4.30am he wasn't hungry he just wanted attention. When I stopped rocking him - or attempting to amongst his fighting - he would just start laughing. He is wide awake and starts playing with my hair, playing with my dressing gown ties, spinning round in circles to look at his Glo-Egg, trying to grab things off the shelf etc, he just wants to play. I try walking around the bedroom to see if the rocking movements soothe him but he just uses it as a way to grab the cursive if we walk past them or start banging on our mirrored wardrobe when we pass it. I end up just standing in the middle of the bedroom having no clue what to do. This is why I try toput him in his cot because I just stand there and hold him but he immediately starts crying. I pick him up, he goes quiet and starts chortling again. Things start to get tense because he can pick up on my frustration and that's when things start to escalate to him just constantly crying and crying to the point where eventually I put him to the breast because at that point nothing else will calm him down. I don't mind him waking for feeds when he needs one but when he's waking up because he wants to play and just starts crying when he realises I'm not engaging that's when i get frustrated.

I slept last night from 11-1 and then after his feed I got him back in his cot asleep by about 1.40am. It then took me a long time to go back to sleep, I would say at least an hour. I think part of that is because I'm always on edge, just waiting for him to wake up again - I just struggle to switch off Sad And then there's nothing worse when you are really awake but no you should be sleeping...it just makes going to sleep even harder. And I meant by the time he'd gone to sleep at 6.20(ish) I'd only had four hours broken sleep.

I'm so, so glad I managed to get back to sleep this morning and we got a good block otherwise I'd be good for nothing. DH has taken him out for a bit this morning to give me a break and I'm enjoying the silence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/12/2014 12:07

I completely agree whats - the feeding him to sleep is definitely the issue and it's what I need to stop doing. It's just do hard when he's been crying for ages and I know breast is the only thing that will stop him. I know that every time I give in I'm just perpetuating the problem but it's so hard.

DS used to only accept the flat dummies which surprised me actually as like you said, I always thought the cherry teat ones were more favoured. My neighbour leant me a copy of her Contented Baby book (she FF's her baby though) but she gave it me to read when DS was about 2 months old so I didn't really think much of her theories. Mind you, now DS is in a good daytime routine it may do me good to read it again with fresh eyesight.

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/12/2014 12:23

Ok, so you didn't think he was hungry, but what might have happened?

The reason I am asking is that I still think you need to work on him going to sleep independently at the start of the night. That will be easier if you maximise sleep the rest of the time.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/12/2014 12:27

When you say independently at the start of the night do you mean putting him in his cot as soon as he's finished feeding as opposed to rocking him to sleep?

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/12/2014 12:30

Yes.Smile

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/12/2014 12:33

He has to learn the skill of just Going To Sleep. Ok he needs different props through the night, but he needs them.

It is much easier to crack that at the start of the night when you are least stressed and he is most tired.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/12/2014 12:34

He may also need some steps between feed and bed. D'S doesn't feed to sleep but his sleep is appalling. My next step is feed outside bedroom, gro bag and bed, to separate milk and sleep more.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/12/2014 12:40

I just find it so hard to listen to him cry for so long. At his worst it got to the point he was making himself sick from crying.

We did the CC method and left him 5 minutes, then 10 minutes etc and I kept praying he'd eventually give in but he didn't. I know people say it can take hours and hours for the baby to give up the fight but it just felt so cruel. I think the longest we have managed when doing CC was about an hour and 20 minutes and I was in tears myself Sad

We then tried the approach of gradual retreat so we weren't 'abandoning' DS but we had no luck with that. If anything he seemed more frantic as he could see I was there so couldn't understand why I wasn't picking him up.

Getting him to sleep at the start of the night is the easy part (albeit I do have to rock him) it's just the subsequent wakings which are the worse.

You are completely right that he needs to learn how to self settle but I just don't know how we are going to get there Sad

DH tries his best to settle DS when he's awake in the middle of the night and going crazy but he had no luck. I lie in bed and listen to DS's cries get more frantic and I end up taking over anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/12/2014 12:41

I was thinking of doing the bedroom feed somewhere else as opposed to in the bedroom too - I can't remember who suggested it to me but they said it worked for them!!

OP posts:
tiktok · 06/12/2014 13:00

Controlled crying does not mean leaving a baby to cry for 10 mins, 20 mins or 1 hr 20 mins....it really doesn't :(

Or it doesn't the way I understand it.

No baby should be left for that amount of time in distress, or screaming so hard he is sick. No wonder you are upset at the thought, Writer.

Controlled crying is to go in and settle the baby as soon as he starts to cry - maybe leaving no more than 5 mins each time, if the baby 'revs up' to screaming within that time.

One option for you is just to accept the way things are and tackle them again in a month or so - I don't see who benefits when both you and the baby are so very upset :(

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/12/2014 13:42

I always thought it meant you leave them for 5 minutes then settle then, then leave them for 10 minutes before going back in and then leaving them for 20 minutes etc. And just in case it reads wrong, I don't mean I left DS to cry for 1hr 20m without going to him, I meant from start to finish I only managed 1hr 20m. I.e from when I first put him in his cot to when I breast fed him to sleep. There no way I could leave him for hours like some people have told me it can take Sad

I'm just so worried about going back to work because I won't be there in the day to feed him to sleep for his naps and for three nights a week my DH will have to do bedtime as I won't be home until about 21.30pm. Also, as I will be leaving for work at 06.45am in the morning I can't have him awake and crying for hours on end in the early hours of the morning when I will need to be sleeping.

I so desperately need him to be less dependent on me for sleep. I really wish I had addressed this issue months ago because as my return to work date looms closer I'm really starting to panic.

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 06/12/2014 14:01

There are many different versions of sleep training. The key thing though is to pick something you will be happy to keep doing as long as necessary. If after 90 minutes of PUPD, say, you crack and feed to sleep you are just reinforcing that.

Also, there are very few 'tear free' ways of sleep training, but a frustrated/tired baby screaming in your arms is a world away from one crying until they vomit alone in their room.

If you just want to feed to sleep and try and maximise sleep that way, do that. It was the choice I made with DD2. If not, pick a plan you can live with and try it. Smile

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/12/2014 14:26

I definitely can't carry on feeding to sleep as he needs to be able to go to bed stress-free when I'm back at work.

The Sleep Specialist who is phoning me next week came recommended to be by two separate MNers and they said she was amazing and completely turned things around so I'm seriously hoping she can do the same for me Grin

OP posts:
ShowMeTheWonder · 06/12/2014 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/12/2014 14:35

It's just the thought of being out the hours for 15 hours (13 hour shifts) and having to do this on only three hours sleep fills me with dread Sad

As does the thought of getting home from work at 9.30pm and having to deal with a screaming and frantic DS because DH couldn't get him to sleep as my breasts weren't there to do it.

Both scenarios sound hellish Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 06/12/2014 14:36

I meant being out the house for 15 hours Smile

OP posts:
weebairn · 06/12/2014 19:19

Thinking about it really is worse than doing it.

In my experience, babies who can't cope without breasts cope just fine when mum is simply not there. (There may be some crying at first.)You may also be surprised. I don't think you'll be coming home late to screaming.

Don't be mad at yourself for having not 'done' something earlier... It might not have worked, plus babies just change what they do all the bloody time anyway...

Good luck love.

weebairn · 06/12/2014 19:23

Ps I have done some awful shifts on no sleep. I've got to the point of spare room and earplugs so I can function the next day (DP in with baby- his job less stress and less serious than mine). It was shit. I'm not trying to minimise this. Whatever happens it won't last forever, though. And babies can surprise you.

I promise you you will feel better once you've done some shifts. Promise.

weebairn · 06/12/2014 19:26

Oh and if you want to stop bf just stop. You've done brilliantly.
I think a lot of these behaviours might still exist whether or not you're Breastfeeding though- I know plenty of ff babies who are very hard at night. It's a tough year!!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 07/12/2014 08:49

Thanks weebairn Smile Things are seeming much brighter this morning though as last night when I went out for my work's Christmas party last night and DH was in charge things went really well.

DS took a bottle of EBM (he has never taken a bottle before) and then after being rocked for a few minutes and then placed in his cot whilst awake, he settled himself off to sleep!! Apparently a car alarm woke him up about an hour later but DS was soothed back to sleep again. When I got home at 11pm they were both fast asleep Smile

I attempted the dream feed but it woke him up Grin After a 20 minute feed though he was back asleep. He slept for over 5 hours before waking for another quick feed and then he went straight back to sleep after that one too Smile His final block of sleep was another three hours and now he's downstairs with my DH who is sorting out breakfast.

I am still genuinely shocked at how well DH did at bedtime. Maybe he should bedtime every night!!

OP posts:
PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 07/12/2014 09:15

Maybe he should. HOnstly, sometimes they are different babies for someone else. He could do a week of bedtimes and see if that breaks the stress pattern.

Glad you had fun Smile

tiktok · 07/12/2014 11:54

That sounds great, Writer - big round of applause for dh and ds :)

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 07/12/2014 12:16

DH is on Cloud 9 this morning. I think he enjoyed having the one-to-one time, the responsibility and the bonding of bedtime with a bottle and a story Smile

I feel so, so, SO much better about going back to work now because I know the nights that DH will have to do bedtime will be problem free Smile

OP posts:
hhhhhhh · 07/12/2014 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weebairn · 07/12/2014 12:27

Wonderful, so pleased for you all!! I had similar experiences with baby being an angel for my mum and boyfriend even without boobs ( and even milk, mort of the time)