Think I need to stop BFing. So upset.

[Writerwannabe83]

For the sake of my sanity and for the sake if mine and DS's relationship I think the time has come where I have to stop.

I can't cope anymore with his dependence on me. He won't sleep unless he is fed to sleep and he wakes constantly in the night for comfort feeds. He won't nap unless he's on me (if he naps at all) and unless we co-sleep he wakes all the time. I'm exhausted and so is he.

I'm so upset about it but the time has come to admit I can't keep this up anymore. I'm actually in tears writing this.

I'm going back to work in 7 weeks which is another factor in my decision but I still feel like I'm failing or giving up.

I don't know why I'm writing this - moral support and reassurance really. Tips?

I love my DS to pieces but our relationship is suffering because of how utterly frustrated I am with it and things are getting worse, not better. It's affecting me and DH too.

Yy to what booboo said about feeding on demand. I started scheduling feeds at about 8m. Started with 4 feeds - morning, mid morning, mid afternoon and bedtime. I've dropped the morning one now which means that dh can take him out all day until about 3/3.30pm. I'm just dropping the afternoon feed now.
I have friends who have fed on demand into toddlerhood but that didn't suit me. I happily demand fed when they were little but didn't want to feed "during the day" at all after 1yr.

He has four pretty set times that he is breast fed but three of those times are immediately before his naps and bedtime. I feed him at 6am, 10am, 3pm and 7pm. The times can vary by half an hour but that's his general pattern.

I found with all our 3 that when we wanted to stop night bfing the best way to do it was for DH to take over nights completely for a couple of weeks. They were all night milk monsters.

It's so hard, almost impossible, to refuse a baby in the night who can smell milk, and you're going to have to be consistent till he knows that it's not happening any more. And, yes, you have to NOT intervene. Go and stay somewhere else for a night or two if you can/ must.

It's a tough couple of weeks, though. Is that something that your dh would take on?

Yes dh did all night wakings for a few weeks when we night weaned too. In fact I've remembered now that before we night weaned I decided to only feed at certain wake ups in the night, I can't remember what times though, and dh did all waking other than that one feed.

Dd was feeding 10 times a night and I was exhausted. We decided on gentle sleep training (which we are still in the middle of) so instead of me feeding when she woke one of us would sit next to the cot. We are hoping to gradually start moving away until we no longer have to sit next to her. I still feed once a night as I think she is hungry by 3/4am but apart from that she no longer feeds and instead of waking at 10pm her first wake up isn't until somewhere between 1-2am, she will normally wake once or twice after that but it is a lot better. Can you try something like that instead of stopping feeding?

Sounds really tough Writer. You have done extremely well to bf for 7 months! No failure here whatever happens.

I remember finding 7 months an absolutely shattering time, and I was resentful too, because people said it would be easier from 6 months. It wasn't - I was doing all the feeding ALL THE TIME (day more than night in DD's case, she was a good night sleeper, but fed every hour in the day) and also faffing around with food she didn't eat. It was exhausting. I felt I couldn't let DP do anything as she wouldn't accept it.

But one day I though sod it and let him properly try. I went out for most of the day, he gave her yoghurt and water if she was hungry. She was so happy! Not upset at all. I had an amazing day to myself, swimming and coffee and relaxing. I was nearby in case he needed me but it turned out he didn't. This would not have happened if I'd been in the house with them, I'm sure.

My experience of night weaning was also very successful, though much later - around 14 months. DP did all of that too. A few nights of cuddles, then she slept much better. Now aged 2 she only accepts DP not me if she is upset in the night which is rather a blessing as I have a newborn again…

I didn't have to go back to work so soon, but I'm just trying to empathise that 7 months is a tough, tough time. It got easier for me. I hope this sounds encouraging to you rather than prescriptive or critical - it's not meant to be.

I also would like to mention I bf DD to sleep until really quite old (well past a year) and she regularly then slept 12 hours - so despite the books self-settling is NOT the be-all and end-all to baby sleep. Equally I have friends whose babies self settle beautifully but then wake all the time. Babies do vary on this. Also despite the fact I bf her to sleep every time when I was there, when I was working an evening shift or out DP got her to sleep fine, took him a bit longer. So for us it was just something I did when I was around, rather than a restriction. It didn't feel that way at your point though!

Hope some of these comments and experiences are helpful to you.

If you decide to stop I hope you can be proud of yourself for all you've achieved.

Thank you Weebairn - DS is actually 8.5 months which makes it more frustrating because like you said, I thought things would get easier after 6 months of age and solids were introduced but things are just getting worse.

Without going into the entire hell that was last night I am at breaking point this morning. My DH has had to take the day off work because I physically and emotionally cannot cope any more

Look up Rachel Waddilove, she's a sleep consultant and sounds lovely. I haven't used her but we spoke last week, it's not the right time for us even though I'm feeding every 60-90mins through the night I think it's because dd is too distracted in the day & possible cmpi too. I don't know where in the country you are but it's got to be worth a try, even just to talk to someone in RL and give you some strength for what ever route you decide. She does home visits and even 24hrs though very expensive (her words not mine so I don't know exact £). It doesn't have to be the end of bf but it seems to be having such a huge impact on all aspects of your life, you're doing really well but I'm sure you don't believe it at the moment. You have to go via a lady who does her bookings but I heard back very quickly even on a Sunday. Good luck whatever you decide.

Thanks Peb, I actually contacted a Sleep Specialist yesterday and we have a phone Consultation next week. I'm counting down the days.

Thanks for your PM Writer, will reply when I have the energy! I did take last night off - went to a Travelodge (didn't actually sleep that well as my own sleep is shot to pieces, but still better than usual!) DH took on DS with some expressed milk and they both seem to be alive this morning . I'm going to try staying at a friend's for the next few nights and repeating the exercise to see if DS's sleep improves at all. Luckily my DH has been able to take some unpaid leave. I don't find it easy doing this (am fairly attachment parenty, don't believe in leaving DS to cry) but if we can get through a few days of this and see a difference it would transform our lives... Hand holding please!

Sorry you had another terrible night Writer, hope today is better.

8,5 months is still quite young for most sleep training techniques and he could well be in the nine month sleep regression which is hell. Another option is to take the path of least resistance. Go to bed with him, co-sleep and feed lying down. That way you'll get the maximum sleep.

I found the various suggestions I posted above useful but DD was 2yo by that time, up until then I co-slept and fed lying down which worked for us.

Things have to change before I go back to work though

I co-sleep with him in desperation and doing so means that although he sleeps I definitely don't get a decent sleep. He isn't happy unless he's curled up right next to me with his head next to mine so I can barely move and everytime he flinches or makes a noise it wakes me up. I always put him down on the other side of the bed but he always finds his way back to me. I'm glad co-sleeping settles him because him getting enough sleep is really important to me but it does nothing for my levels of exhaustion

DH is brilliant when it comes to the shitty nights - I'm very lucky. The problem though is because DS wants breast only I will do and he will scream and scream until I appear and give it to him. Last night was the worst night in a long time where DS screamed for 1.5 hours until I BF him. He was awake from 23.20-01.45 and the majority of that time was him in hysterics. I hit breaking point last night.

DH has taken the day off work today to look after DS as I'm physically and emotionally burnt out

Writer - Absolutely stop if you want to and feel it is for the best.

But on the sleep, I think you are trying to fight too many battles on too many fronts all at once.

Somebody posted a link to Troublesome Tots a while back. CIO may not be for you, but you do sound desperate. She recommends that you start with night settling. Just night settling. Your goal is simply to get him to go to sleep, at night, when he's most tired, without feeding to sleep. The rest can be baby steps after that.

Also wanted to say, my DD1 was very like this at around 8 months. By 11 when I went back to work she was happily feeding morning, tea time and before bed and sleeping 8-5. We did a bit of CC, she learned to crawl and wore herself out more, I wasn't around so much so she dropped feeds. Just to add a happy story

Someone else told me things would improve once he started crawling but he's been crawling over 2 weeks now - I really do try and stay positive and hopeful though.

He's napping on me now after being fed to sleep. This morning nap is his only guaranteed one in the day. I sit and click watch and desperately hope he will sleep for at least an hour. Anything more is a bonus.

I'm going out on Saturday night and I won't be here for the bedtime routine and feed and DS will be in the hands of DH. I'm trying not to think about it and DH is nervous about it

Glad you are getting out for a break at the weekend , writer .

I don't know if your DS's sleep has consistently been like this , but like a previous poster mentioned the 9 month sleep regression is hell . It was hands down the period of worst sleep for my dd, now 11 months .

The wonder weeks is a great book / website / app and explains the brain development causing this disrupted sleep.

For us it lasted 2-3 weeks and dd was up constantly and for hours in the night . I know you are desperate but a sleep consultant won't be able to do anything about a developmental phase disrupting his rest. They all go through this , though some worse than others .

Re the food / crawling / walking stuff and improving sleep, I don't give that much credit. Babies sleep gradually improves . Some sleep better than others , and it's largely out of our hands and nothing to do with bf or ff

Try not to get too stressed about achieving perfect sleep before returning to work . That is really unlikely and setting yourself up for disappointment. It's about expectations . No, of course you won't be able to function as you did before DS when you are back at work . Many many women (and men) are sleep deprived when working and having small children.

Anyway good luck with what you decide and I hope you have fun when you go out and try not to think about what's going on at home - leave it to your DH

Ps didn't mean to sound dismissive of how tired you are , I know how dreadful that is.

Trying to be busy and have something fun to look forward to has helped me get through these periods

DS used to be a great sleeper : he'd self settle with no problems and sleep from 9pm - 6am.

Then things went drastically downhill when he was just over 4 months old which I put down to the regression but he never reverted back to his norm. That was four months ago now, there still hasn't been any notable improvement and things are just getting worse.

Hmmm... Problem is there's no 'norm ' really!
Good luck if you decide to sleep train and hope it gives you some peace

When I said 'once she started crawling' I didn't mean like the day she did it I'm afraid. I meant the month or two after starting. When she started consistently wearing herself out. And it was pretty gradual.

Honestly, he sounds just like DD1. She was great to 4 months (8pm-3/4am generally) then shit. We spent a good couple of months doing at least one two hour waking plus around 4 others. Then we cracked and did CC.

Honestly, I think you're tying yourself up in knots trying to fix everything. It's like eating an elephant. One bite at a time. Pick something - I recommend getting to sleep at night but it doesn't have to be - and work on that one thing.

Personally I don't think sleep consultants can do much unless we are talking older children (sleep fairies, stories, special rooms, etc). With younger children it is always a variation of what you can learn for free from a book from the library. And ones who won't say what their methods are get me deeply suspicious. You are paying for the hand holding really, and for someone to do the thinking and planning for you. Fine if that's what you are willing to pay for, but a bit smoke and mirrors if not.

I really feel for you OP, sleep deprivation is awful .

In my very humble opinion, it makes you a better mother not a worse one, to actually be able to step back and say, 'this approach is not working for us as a family anymore. Therefore, a change needs to be made. The change that will do least harm to anyone is to get the baby into a more structured bedtime routine, which includes stopping him relying on the breast to get to sleep'.

You are a wonderful mum, in reality, only you are going to be bothered that you 'only' BF him till he was 8.5 months.

As you are going back to work soon, I would make a sort of timetable to get him sleeping. Make a mental note, you and DH, that from tonight (or whenever you choose) you are going to try X approach and not waiver for 5 days.

I took a week off work to get DS3 properly weaned off the feeding the sleep and co-sleeping, as working full time when being woken 3-4 times a night was not working for me. He was older (14 months) though so I'm not sure my approach would work for you - but if you want me to tell you, please just ask.

Op if you haven't already, have a look at the Pantley Pull Off method. Might be worth considering

I agree with Snatchoo- I really think that choosing one thing and formulating a plan from which you won't waiver is a good approach. I said to myself that after being fed ds would be cuddled for a couple of minutes, kissed, then put in his cot. I would not get him back out of the cot. Once I'd decided that that was what was going to happen it made it much easier to tolerate the crying. I found the taking back of control made me feel better.
But honestly writer, having read your other thread too, I think that you should give yourself a break and have (at least) a night away.
Switching to formula might help, some Mums swear by a ff at bedtime, it might not but if you feel so smothered by it and so miserable now, what have you got to lose by trying? Your supply should be robust by now and, although you'll need to pump if you do get away there's no reason why you can't give a ff a try and go back to bf tomorrow.