Think I need to stop BFing. So upset.

[Writerwannabe83]

For the sake of my sanity and for the sake if mine and DS's relationship I think the time has come where I have to stop.

I can't cope anymore with his dependence on me. He won't sleep unless he is fed to sleep and he wakes constantly in the night for comfort feeds. He won't nap unless he's on me (if he naps at all) and unless we co-sleep he wakes all the time. I'm exhausted and so is he.

I'm so upset about it but the time has come to admit I can't keep this up anymore. I'm actually in tears writing this.

I'm going back to work in 7 weeks which is another factor in my decision but I still feel like I'm failing or giving up.

I don't know why I'm writing this - moral support and reassurance really. Tips?

I love my DS to pieces but our relationship is suffering because of how utterly frustrated I am with it and things are getting worse, not better. It's affecting me and DH too.

Writer, your DS sounds like mine (and they are about the same age, mine is just a few days off 9mths). He also slept well until 4 mths and it all went downhill-drastically. I was sobbing for most of the days because he would only feed to sleep and then suckle on and off all night (and for naps), it is so exhausting.
It does sound to me like it is a sleep issue, not a feeding issue. I ended up using a sleep consultant, Ann at nurturing sleep. She has been amazing, she is so supportive and the steps are gentle and at your own pace. We've just finished our sessions and DS is currently asleep upstairs in his own cot and has been since 7, this just would not have happened 5 weeks ago.
I really hope the sleep consultant you have contacted can help.
I feel for you, I know it's totally exhausting and emotionally draining. It will get better.

Get a copy of 'no cry sleep solution'. It will talk you through how to deal with this step by step and without traumatising everyone. I was still bf to sleep several times a night at 12 months. The solution is actually quite straightforward, just impossible to figure out for yourself when you're sleep deprived. Good luck.

I googled that book but found various versions by different authors and got confused. I came across on that was published in 2002, is that the most recent one? I don't want to order an out of date one unless the general content hasn't changed?

I didn't find it much cop tbh. It isn't a 'plan'. It is just a pile of suggestions. But it is by a woman with the surname Pantley if you need the author. I would ask anyone you know with an older baby. Reckon 25% of us have a copy somewhere.

Yeah, I have my doubts about Pantley's book - I like it that she is on both the mother and the baby's side, sort of thing, and I like the way she scotches some myths about 'normal' sleep patterns.

But it is not the answer for everyone. I do think her ideas are worth trying, and trying consistently before 'giving up', but they are probably most effective with older toddlers whose sleep and settling is horrendous and where everyone is at each other's throats.

For 'normal' (ha!) frequent wakers under a year, who need a lot of bf in the night for anyone to get any sleep, it's less useful, IMO.....these babies do, eventually, grow out of the worst of this pattern, but it's exhausting and demoralising, even so.

Showmw it reminds me of something they'd have in a carry on film! O err matron using the pantly pull off after dark!

Interesting to have your thoughts on NCSS tiktok. My DH is under the impression that 'that's the answer' now we have it, but I've actually been trying many of these ideas for months with no noticeable improvement! I fear we may have to try her If You Are At The End of Your Rope Idea 3 (essentially shh-patting them in cot) before too long. She is also a bit smug at the end about her DS not crying - well mine cries even if I feed him, even if he's picked up, with me, with DH... I don't believe there is any no cry for us.

Have now had 2 nights off - it's amazing! We hope we can at least reduce his night milk intake a little. DH is doing 2 feeds of expressed milk a night, and rocking him for the other 8 or so wakeups...

Last night wasn't as bad but it was still tough going at times.

The problem I have is that when he stirs in his sleep he instantly starts crying. I always leave him for a few minutes to see if he will settle back off to sleep but he doesn't and his cries become absolutely frantic. The problem I have then is that he becomes wide awake and just won't go back to sleep. I put him in his cot and he immediately starts crying, I pick him up and he stops, I put him back down and the crying starts again - and repeat 50 times.

I know he doesn't want feeding because when I eventually give in to him (which I always do) and put him to the breast he will be asleep within a minute.

He screams if he wakes up and he's not in my arms and he will not go back to sleep on his own.

"I know he doesn't want feeding because when I eventually give in to him (which I always do) and put him to the breast he will be asleep within a minute."

See, I would say the opposite. I'd say that what he does want is feeding. That may not be because he's hungry, but it could well be because this is how he currently puts himself back to sleep and for comfort.

I have issues of my own with just how frequently DS is demanding to nurse through the night (twice an hour most of last night) so I don't have answers. But I think probably you're getting in a cycle where he keeps crying for what he knows he wants, and eventually he gets it. Which can be fine. DD2 woke every two hours for 18 months. It wasn't great, but it was manageable. But it can be Not Manageable too.

It definitely won't be manageable when I go back to work

I desperately need him to be able to fall asleep without being attached to me.

I know I keep saying this, but work on that bit then. Don't worry about the night wakings and how you deal with them for now. Deal with them however you all get most sleep.

For the next, say, two weeks, all you are focused on is how he goes to sleep.

Pick a plan and commit to that come what may. So either you are going to do CC to get him to go to sleep on his own. Or you're DH is going to sit and pat until he falls asleep (even if that takes 4 hours). Or whatever you feel comfortable with. But you pick one thing, and you do it.

I know that sleep can be hell, but the going to sleep bit is honestly the easiest place to start (I just wish everything fell into place for me when it was fixed like the books promise )

Your. Not you're. Obviously.

How was your night last night Writer? Do you feel any closer to making a plan?

If i were in your position i would want to bank some sleep before tackling your son's sleeping problems. I would a) get a dummy- and see if that worked, it seems to me that he associates sucking with going to sleep - not the milk itself b) have a week or so of just feeding him when he wakes.
At the moment you are resisting and then consistently giving in (completely understandably btw! You are totally shattered). He knows that so long as he cries for long enough he will get what he wants.
I think without some sleep behind you, you are probably going to stay in this cycle for a while.

Last night was horrendous to. It started off well and I was really positive but it eventually went downhill.

After his bedtime feed at 7.30pm I then rocked him to sleep and put him in his cot. He stirred about 45 minutes later which he always does but I rocked him back to sleep and out him back in his cot. He then woke at 1am and I fed him (I accept he still likes one feed overnight) and then put him back in his cot again. It was at this point I was feeling positive that we'd had a much more successful night.

At 4.30am he woke up and the nightmare started. Crying, crying, crying. Fought against me when I tried to rock him and screamed the ace down. This went on until 6am where as I was on the brink of tears due to exhaustion I gave in, offered the breast and then when he fell asleep whilst sucking I kept him in bed with me. By then time he fell asleep he's been up for two hours and I'd only had four hours of broken sleep like I have done all week.

I'm running on empty.

He used to have a dummy when he was much younger but when he was 10 weeks old he just refused to have it anymore. We have tried absolute countless times over the months to try and reintroduce one (tried many different brands and teats) but he's just not interested

Sorry to hear that, it actually sounds better than our night which had the 8.15 pm, 1 am and 4 am wakeups but also 4 more before 1 am - and this is on the good side of average! My DH bottleFed DS at 1 and 4. Have you tried your DS with bottles recently - ours resisted for ages and then suddenly decided they were ok. I'm not sure what he thinks about Mummy not being there in the night, but I'm giving him extra cuddles in the day to make up!

We tried him with bottles when he was younger but he wouldn't drink from them.

However, I'm going on a night out tonight, my first one since DS was born, which means DH is in charge if bedtime and subsequent wake ups. We have a bottle in the cupboard and there is expressed milk in the fridge so I've told DH to just try it. I'm pretty sure his evening will be a nightmare and the whole thing will be a disaster but I'm boy going to worry about it because I need some time away otherwise I will go crazy I think!!

Thankfully DS drinks really well out of a sippy cup - he has water with every meal and is quite content and able to use the cup. I just thought that at bedtime he might be more comforted having milk from a bottle than a cup as the teat can replicate a nipple - sort off.

Your night sounds knackering. I wish I could sleep when DS sleeps but I really struggle.

All I keep thinking about is the fact I'm going back to work in 7 weeks and I can't be having nights like this

Can I ask what your reasoning was for refusing to feed him at 4.30? What would have happened if you'd just fed him at that time?

Also, and I mean this kindly, why had you only had four hours of broken sleep. Are you having trouble sleeping? Because by my reckoning you could have had 10-1 (3 hours) and 1.30 (say) to 4.30 (another 3 hours). Plus 6am to when he woke up. Which isn't ideal, but isn't 4 hours.

Have you tried a dummy? If he wants to suck on something in bed, wouldn't a dummy help?

Sorry, I just RTFT and saw the dummy bit. Did you try a cherry-teat dummy? IME, they work much better than the flat ones.

I don't think you should stop BF, just stop feeding him to sleep. She-Who-must-Not-be-Named (Gina ford) has lots and lots of great advice on this. Could you read her Contented Little Baby Book of Sleep?