Is our fighting scaring off the newbies? How do we stop?

[liquidclocks]

We're getting new members all the time and this week I've read quite a messages from newbies saying how they're shocked and the argumentative nature of some of our threads. I don't know if I'm expecting answers or comments on my thoughts really though I'd be interested, I just needed to post what I'm thinking.

It seems, reading recent threads and SO many others, that no matter what we choose as mothers we will be criticised, privately or sadly as some of us have found, publicly. I think after a week of reading the latest batch of BF/FF threads I am left with a feeling of sadness that so many BF and FF mums feel unsupported, however, at least BFers have some consolation in knowing that their babies are getting the best?

So, instead of fighting each other, a recent thread seemed to have partly become a real discussion which is very refreshing. My hope for MN is that instead of shaming FF mums and making us feel worse, the BFers among you can help us 'next time' by not posting antagonistic thread titles designed to hurt feelings or shock and not de-valuing our reasons for 'giving up'. In return maybe FF can stop being so defensive about their decisions and just accept that that's what happened and maybe next time it will be different. I do believe we all genuinely make the best of the situation we're in at the time and no-one wants to do less than best for their precious baby.

What we NEED is a wider culture change that extends far beyond mumsnet. As long as we're arguing amongst eachother it's not going to happen. It's been proven that change happens faster and more readily when there is a consensus of opinion and the change is perceived as positive.

In 4 weeks time I hope to BF my second baby, I know if I'm struggling MN will be there for me. I think one of the best ways we can help new mums is to spread the word, get them to come to our forums and discuss their decisions before they're set in stone. We need to normalise BF but also some of the more activist BF need to accept that there are some real reasons why women can't, and it's not just that they won't.

So how do we do it? - do we need a national campaign, if so how should it be done so we don't alienate FFers who choose, make FFers who can't feel guilty and still satisfy the BFers?

Some subjects that are discused are always going to be very emotive. As people believe very strongly in their own experiences. As a mum who has breastfed (though not for long admittedly) and ff, I realise that people will have differing oppinions from myself.
When I breastfed I thought about things that I ate, could any of the the ingredients, for want of a better example. sugar substitutes in drinks. Would they be proven to be harmful in future years, as many things used years ago,have proven to be today. Could i be harming my child believing i was doing the right thing by breast feeding, I dont know.
When i switched to ff,( i didnt switch for the above reason ) I read the literature available, I found out it wasnt an absolutely problem free, It could potentialy be harmful as well. I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place, which ever choice i made for my child, potentialy in the future, it could be the wrong one.
Reading this back It gives the impression that I worry about everything, but I dont.

As an older first time Mum (35 ahhhh!!!) I felt confident to go with my instincts when it came to breast feeding and persevered despite soreness, latching proplems, thrush, mastitus etc, but finally 5mths on and Im still doing it and feel glad I did. However if I wasn't so selfassured and listen to the majority, including friends and heath visitors, I would have stopped at 6weeks. That said I don't judge any of my mates who quit bf right at the begining but am glad I am that bit older to go with what feels good for me and not be influenced by others.

had v similar experiance with third.despite havin fed previous two for two years found myself really strugglin and ended up with mastitis in both breasts and feelin v ill.EVERYONE told me to give up including health professionals but i ended up strugglin through with help from v good bfing expert.so glad did and was able to continue for two and half years!no stick for the age thing,had it all before!