riddled with guilt - i don't like breast feeding

[pommesdeterreetfromageblanc]

My baby is 8 days old and I have been BF her. It has been quite hard as it really hurt me to start. I got some help and it is better now, although my boobs still hurt a lot, especially between feeds. She obviously hasn't got a routine yet but the past few days, she has been feeding 40 min on each boob per feed, plus cluster feeding in the evening for hours and hours (on the plus side she will sleep up to 5 hours). I have been up for 3 hours now, she wants some, then comes off, then sleeps and wakes after 5 min. It is doing my head in.

I am sick of having my boobs out 12 hours a day, leaking everywhere. I am trying to reason with myself as I know it is better for the baby, and for me and everyone says it gets better, but I am not enjoying it, and it is spoiling somewhat my relationship with my baby as I am dreading the next feed and resenting it after a while.

Everyday I contemplate switching to formula.... I want to be able to share the feeding with the dad or family when they come. I have quite a lot of milk so expressing is an option....

Anyone else out there like me :(

Thanks

The only scientific study I've read about whether bf or ff mums get more sleep said that bf mums get, on average, 20 minutes more sleep. This was a study carried out using motion sensors rather than subjective judgements and comments. Sorry I don't have the reference to hand - hopefully TikTok or another expert will be able to fill in the details?

world - some studies look at how much mothers sleep, and others look at how much babies sleep. It is perfectly possible for a bf mother, who is co-sleeping, and whose baby more or less helps him/herself to night feeding, to sleep more, even if the baby wakes 10 times in the night, than a bottle feeding mother whose baby wakes once but who needs the bottle warmed (or worse, the feed made up) and then a load of patting to settle afterwards.

A study would show the ff baby slept longer :)

But for some people, if they don't want to co-sleep or can't do it safely, the second scenario would be preferable. because in the first one she would undoubtedly wake up at least some of the time, probably a few times. This might be more irritating and the baby would be with you, too.

I think nowadays ffing is so much easier than it used to be. When my dd was little nearly ten years ago I remember rushing about making bottles at 3 / 5am in a daze
.... now you can buy little starter kits of easy ready to use bottles for the first few weeks if you want and can afford to (like the ones offered in hospital).

I don't know if bf makes a difference to how babies sleep as I only ever ff my own but both have slept through since about 12 weeks.

in tiktoks defence I think she is being very balanced and very kind to the OP. Feeding is such an emotive subject that it's hard to talk about without someone feeling upset.

We do need to sort out the wider problem that lots of women want to breastfeed and hardly any do for any length of time. Sometimes this is because they make a choice not to and is therefore not an issue, but if it's because care is shit then that's a problem, ie those women would BF if someone had bothered to correct a poor latch, or give truthful information about it, for example. Equally it is inexcusable that women who choose to FF are not helped to do so safely and easily, and certainly without thinking that they've made the 'wrong' choice for their baby.

The point remains that if the OP really wants to formula feed then who can question it? Crack on, OP, if that's what you want, and do it with a clear conscience and a smile on your face.

Thank you tiktok for being remarkably unruffled at my attack and I'm sorry for lashing out at you.

You're right of course about my post-natal experience, and I am still so defensive about not bf despite logically knowing I didn't really have much of a choice when it came to it. It just... it's ok, you know? It's absolutely fine. FF or bf, they all turn out fine. I just wish someone would sort out decent, informed feeding support antenatally but especially postnatally.

Sorry for hijack OP.

(typing with one finger whilst my gorgeous baby sleeps on me - excuse typos) :)
thanks all! i am still undecided to what i will do. I have loads of milk so i have expressed and gave her a bottle last night and today, she also took the book after so, so far we are ok. I am seeing yet another mw tomorrow who specialises in bf and we will triple check if my baby is tongue tied as she feeds for ages and gradually loses the latch which hurts a lot. After doing better in terms of pain and feeling much better, I seem to have gone backwards and it hurts again. I know once i stop that's it, so i am still resisting. I admire mums out there who stick to their guns, I was hoping I would be like that but i m dithering....

Don't feel guilty about it and don't listen to anybody who tries to make you feel guilty.If you don't want to do it or can't do it then you formula feed and that's just fine - you are clearly doing what is best for your baby and are doing the best you can and that is all anybody can expect.
You had a go, and that's brilliant, keep up the good mothering and don't worry about which method you use to feed your baby.

to be fair no one has made me feel guilty (I do guilt very very well!) and I had promised myself I would BF if it was ok, if not, I would switch. Now my beautiful daughter is here, I just want what's best for her.... ideally she would have my milk and I would be happy. So far we are not quite there yet, but like many of you said, it's very early days, and I am full of hormones, and crying an awful lot (happy crying when I look at her sleeping looking so so sweet - sad crying when I think she will pull on my sore nipples.... etc). Things will settle. I am pinning my hope on my meeting with the BF MW tomorrow as the main problem is the pain BF is causing.

I hated breastfeeding from start to finish - with my first DC I persevered for 3 weeks before giving up, so with DC2 I was determined to do better. Cue DC2 being a nightmare to feed, pulling away, screaming throughout feeds, feeds taking hours, barely any sleep. Most of all, the overwhelming oppression of knowing that I was tied to the baby, not able to get sleep, being the only one who could feed.
I persevered for 6 weeks with no.2 and had got past the stage of it hurting all the time. Then we got thrush but it wasn't diagnosed for a couple of weeks, tried going to a la leche league meeting, went to the local breastfeeding cafe - to no avail. Nobody could advise me how to feed more efficiently. Oh and I never worked out how to feed lying down or without a breastfeeding cushion! So I had to lug one of those giant b/f cushions if I wanted to go out...

So I gave up, for the next 4 months I used ready made formula in big 1 litre bottles and little cartons for going out. I had 8 bottles, which I washed up once a day, when it was feed time I just poured the milk and 30 secs in the microwave it was done! Don't see where the faff is.

Best of all, once a week my DH does all the night feeds so that I get a full night's sleep - what's not to love?

Point it - it you don't like breastfeeding don't do it! We have enough guilt heaped upon us as mothers, so why add even more to it. If only I had realised this months ago, it would have saved me so much bother.

OP - the only shoulds are do what you think is best for you and baby and don't feel guilty either way. best of luck to you :)

I did NCT and we all thought we'd give BF a go. Out of 8 in my group, we have had 3 tongue ties, 2 lots of mastitis, 2 lots of jaundice, SCIBU stay meaning lots of expressing and one using nipple shields due to some issue resulting in hideously long feeds - but amazingly 7 are still BF 10 wks on. The reason why? Not because we are in a middle class BF bubble, its purely because except one we're lucky to have great post natal and BF care and live in an area where it is 'acceptable' to feed in public. #8 FF because it took weeks to sort the tongue tie and she didn't get supported well.

There has been a lot of family pressure on some girls to not BF if there was an issue since mums/sisters couldn't help other than say switch to formula.

One bit of advice.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! Seriously just don't, give it a good try but if it isn't for you then switch to bottle. It is fine.

Move on and enjoy your baby.

Agree with Cahoots. I breast fed my first for about 10 long, horrible, miserable days. My breasts were engorged; he sucked and screamed non-stop; I hated th leaking, the exhaustion (after the delivery from hell), and everything about it. The day we switched to formula was the best day I'd had since he was born.

I expressed milk for DC2 and bottle-fed it to her for a fortnight or so, then switched to formula.

Whatever you do, please don't feel guilty about it.

Exactly what Kingsfold said. I battled it for 2 weeks and ended up feeding with nipple shields on both sides, then expressing, then giving him that, then having to top up with FF anyway... (2 hour feeds anyone?) After 2 trips to hospital (one very serious) all down to feeding, I STILL didn't feel like I could switch and it was all down to the BF 'message' that I had received at the antenatel class and a BF workshop.

You might not feel under pressure, but the pressure is still there. It is very unfair - even my formula packet tells me what a B*h I am by 'giving up'. Yet the Dr and the consultant at the hospital, plus my GP, told me that formula is massively better nowadays than it was 15 years ago and is absolutely fine for babies. As for convenience - the first day I FF DS I took him out in the sunshine and fed him a bottle and we finally started building our shattered bonds.

I'm not saying you should switch or not, but honestly just look at it objectively and decide what is best for your DD - INCLUDING the advantage of having a happy Mum.

I gave up BF after 3 weeks following a bout of infective mastitis and blood poisoning Yes, I felt bad...but my LO needs more from me than milk. She needs a healthy, happy Mum.

I agree about the BF bubble. I am an older, educated, middle class Mum. It's the norm in my social circle. I still feel a bit sad when I see my friends BF.

I wish I had known about infective mastitis. I thought it was caused by blocked ducts and I would feel a lump and the breast would be red. I would've been OCD about nipple hygiene after the crack appeared if I had known. It was never mentioned at the BF ante-natal class. It should be - a damn sight cheaper for the NHS than my ambulance to hospital, 3 rounds of IV antibiotics and 7 days in hospital followed by 10 days of oral antibiotics.

i am just back from hospital where a bf mw diagnosed a tongue tie after 3 people looked at it and said it was fine hopefully that will ease the pain and my baby will be able to feed a bit quicker... fingers crossed

That's brilliant that you've finally been given an answer, hopefully things will get better now. Will you have to wait long to have it snipped? TTs are so often missed.

Please don't feel guilty. I'm currently combination feeding my 2nd (switched to bottle/formula full time after 5 weeks with first).
I'm also contemplating total switch to ff this tune but just seeing how it goes with combi first. I have the same issues as you.
I was actually relieved to see your post as most if not all info and posts on discussion boards are geared towards carrying on bf. it can make you feel so lonely and like you're about to do something illicit!
Done people on here talk about the faff of preparing bottles- it's really no trouble at all once you get in the spring of things. You can also buy ready made cartons for night time so you don't have to make it up there and then.
Good luck, though! I hope it all works out well for you! In fact I'd love to keep in touch!

No the lady snipped there and then! She is my hero! Hopefully things will get a bit easier...

Great news - treat yourself to some chocolate cake and a glass of wine.

Hopefully it will start to get easier but if you do get a wibble, remember that wibbling is normal and that we are here for you.

It might be worth reading up on kellymom so that you can prepare for the dreaded growth spurts and be forearmed for any problems.

Wow, that's good service Fingers crossed for you.

Hi Lizzietow. I am not out of the wood yet... my boobs are still hurting every time I move, I hope the tongue being cut will help. I agree that deciding to switch is so hard and heart ranching.... but I also 100% agree than baby needs a happy mum. I liked what Purplelooby said about the ease of taking a bottle and spending quality time with baby... I guess that could be something to do to ease the pain/guilt, once you switch, do something nice every day with your baby (I am kinda giving myself a pet talk here!!). They need closeness, and breast feeding is not the only to provide it. Also, I want my baby to have closeness with her dad who is just brilliant.

I am trying to take it a day at a time. Next stepping stone for me is Monday when I will go to a BF group.

Where are you based LizzieTow and how old is your baby?

Snipping the tongue tie is not a magic bullet. For some it's a case of snip and everything is fine, but for others it can take a bit of work to get things resolved. Not saying this to put you off, but to make sure that you don't have unrealistic expectations from the snip.

I would really recommend that you join the tongue tie babies support group on facebook. You can read about other people's experiences and draw on the expertise of the many professionals who are on the group.

Wrote this on another thread, but DD was tongue tied and undiagnosed until 7 days old, by which time my nipples were shredded. She had it snipped, but from 1 week to 6 weeks I just expressed and bottle fed to let my boobs heal.

I then had good support to get her back on and was able to BF until she was 18 months.

I still have scars, but am so glad I stuck with it. That being said, I would not blame anyone for one second if they just switched to FF. The pain was excruciating and made me miserable!

Do what's right for you OP.

This thread shouldn't really be about selling bf to the op. she already knows that breast feeding is best for babies BUT if it isn't best for her then she shouldn't feel guilty about ff. her baby will still develop, grow and be healthy being ff. OP do what is best for you and your family. Once you have decided then don't look back and feel guilty. There is nothing to feel bad about.

if you prefer to ff do that
don't feel guilty if you swop modes
feed your baby how you wish.don't get stressed or upset about feeding