riddled with guilt - i don't like breast feeding

[pommesdeterreetfromageblanc]

My baby is 8 days old and I have been BF her. It has been quite hard as it really hurt me to start. I got some help and it is better now, although my boobs still hurt a lot, especially between feeds. She obviously hasn't got a routine yet but the past few days, she has been feeding 40 min on each boob per feed, plus cluster feeding in the evening for hours and hours (on the plus side she will sleep up to 5 hours). I have been up for 3 hours now, she wants some, then comes off, then sleeps and wakes after 5 min. It is doing my head in.

I am sick of having my boobs out 12 hours a day, leaking everywhere. I am trying to reason with myself as I know it is better for the baby, and for me and everyone says it gets better, but I am not enjoying it, and it is spoiling somewhat my relationship with my baby as I am dreading the next feed and resenting it after a while.

Everyday I contemplate switching to formula.... I want to be able to share the feeding with the dad or family when they come. I have quite a lot of milk so expressing is an option....

Anyone else out there like me :(

Thanks

Totally disagree that it's a 'job of motherhood'. Feeding your baby is a job of the parents. How you feed it is irrelevant IMHO. And sticking a bottle in a bag hardly slows you down that much!

LetLoveRule sticking a bottle in a bag doesn't slow you down - making it up safely (i.e. using boiling water as powder isn't sterile, and even in the western world, contaminated powder has killed babies) and then finding somewhere to reheat formula milk safely, etc. is a faff and definitely not as easy as whopping a boob out and feeding baby instantly.

And until men can grow boobs, then unfortunately breastfeeding remains a 'job of motherhood'. However, there are lots of things that men can do to support a mother in her breastfeeding, including feeding expressed milk, or just simply supporting the mother so that she can get through the difficult first weeks.

I hated the first few weeks. I really did. The only thing that kept me going was knowing (after dd) that I also hated washing and cleaning and making up bottles.

And I discovered that I hated expressing more than I hated feeding .

After about four weeks it became second nature, and was very, very easy (much easier than bottles imo). But I always looked on it pragmatically as a feeding method not an emotional experience and I weaned ds2 straight onto a cup, finishing when he was a year old.

So if you want to persevere do, if you think you want to continue it will get easier.

But if you don't want to, don't. And don't waste any energy feeling guilty either way /

Hello there,

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I really hated BF too and stopped after a few weeks. I will be honest I did feel very guilty, but now that I have had a lot of time to consider the matter I don't think I should have. You can not put two adults together and tell who was BF and who wasn't. You could try I suppose, but would just as likely get it wrong e.g my DH was BF and has hay fever, allergies, eczema - I wasn't - not even colostrum, and have none of this. I'm thin, never ill and academically very successful. More so than DH.

I actually think that the Breast is Best campaign is irresponsible in terms of women's mental health - not because it promotes breastfeeding, but because by omission of the existence of FF as a genuine, perfectly good option in its literature it causes incredible distress for women who just don't want to. I have a friend who has had 4 years of CBT therapy and anti-depressants because she didn't breastfeed. I wonder what that has cost the NHS!

It's hard to really know how you're feeling right now, or even what you really want to do so I'm going to assume a couple of things and you can always ignore the post :) A lot of people are assuming that you want to continue and offering helpful support in that direction. For balance I'm going to assume that you really don't.

Not BF does not mean that you do not love your baby as much as a woman who does. That's nonsense. We really are all different and some women take to it easier than others for a variety of reasons. This nearly tipped me to PND which now makes me

Bottle feeding is easy peasy - not a faff. It is expensive though.

It's very convenient when out and about.

It's specially made for babies and topped full of all kinds of vitamins and minerals.

Bottle feeding cuddles are lovely.

People can help and you can have extra sleep.'My DH found this very bonding.

Good luck with whatever you do. And enjoy that gorgeous baby! xxx

worldgonecrazy that's why ready made cartons were made. Sterile and ready almost immediately.

MyGoldenNotebook, you're right that guilt should have no role in these decisions - often women feel they have no choice in these issues, or if they have a choice they make it thoughtfully with a range of needs, aims, and practicalities in mind.

But what you call a 'campaign' (and there has been no 'Breast is Best' campaign - not sure what you are thinking of here) is more accurately described as a public health initiative to i) inform mothers that breastfeeding is a real option and that how you feed your baby matters, in the short and long term ii) train HCPs in the essential matter of enabling women to breastfeed happily and comfortably and effectively

There has never been anything I'm aware of (apart from the occasional idiot comment) that mothers who don't bf love their babies any the less. Women who ff are rarely judged or criticised - though I know idiot comments do hurt and they do exist.

The sad and guilty feelings women get when wrestling with bf and thinking of switching to formula come not from 'campaigns' on the whole, but from their own feelings of disappointment, that something lovely they wanted to do for their babies is not enjoyable, or even pain-free, and feels oppressive. This can be mixed up, in the early days, with the very real and documented struggles to adapt to the new baby, to the loss of previous identity, to lack of sleep etc etc etc. The most obvious thing to change (given the baby cannot be sent back :) or magicked into one that eats and sleeps etc to order) is the feeding 'method' - and yet that feels a difficult thing to do for mothers who originally really wanted to do it.

Don't blame 'campaigns' . Training of HCPs has a long way to go; support for early motherhood has a long way to go. Suggesting that the NHS shuts up about breastfeeding, and making the entirely spurious connection between a public health programme and a person who needed therapy for not bf is not a good argument.

OP - it's early days, your experiences are likely to change, you can get help, if you think you might later regret bf, then it's too soon to switch. Those are the facts. No one whose opinion matters will judge you as mother one way or the other. It's your decision :)

worldgonecrazy- sorry to hear about your friend, that's awful. So many women are let down by the system- wouldn't it have been better for her if she'd been given the support she needed to breastfeed?

It's true that some women really can't produce enough milk- this is very uncommon though. There are also women that have personal reasons that they don't want to breastfeed such as sexual abuse, which understandably they may not want to discuss with the general public.

BUT all this does not change the fact that breastmilk is much better than formula milk. It's awful that so many women are let down, either by not being given the support they need or not being given all the information but we shouldn't stop new mothers from making a completely informed decision. The fact that so many more babies are formula fed than breastfed shows that many women do see it as a viable option, as do many HCPs that often recommend formula the minute they see a breastfeeding challenge that they don't know how to deal with.

So, OP- if you do want to formula feed then of course have a think about it. But please make an informed decision, look at the facts as well as the situation. Good luck.

I did not at any point say that the NHS should 'shut up' about breastfeeding. You have taken quite an enormous leap there. I just think that new mothers / pregnant women should be given information about formula too. Maybe campaign was the wrong word.

Hello

I ff DS after a week on medical advice. Three years later I ff DD because I hated bf, and I wanted to ff because i was utterly miserable. I didn't find it easy, comfortable or convinient. Onw day tge mw said to me "For goodness sake, if it is making you so miserable, don't do it!" At this point 3 yo ff DS bounded in, a bright eyed, bushy tailed picture of health! With a steam steriliser and a cool bag I never found ff a faff. DD is just one and drinking cow's milk and I am so glad the bf/ff is behind us.

Ff is nor poison. It's fine. It worked for me and my family. There are many ways to.nurture a baby, only one of them is how you feed it. Another is to be a happy and confident mother!

Sorry, MGN, you did not actually call for the NHS to shut up - I did rather make a leap. I agree, formula information should be available, too - and it is. Puzzled as to why you think there is nothing out there.

There's a widely-used NHS leaflet, some good information in Birth to 5, tons of official stuff on the web.

It's a hard thing to do. Promoting bf will always make ff seem 'inferior'. As soon as you say one is better, even if this is true, then the other will always be seen as worse, making the mother feel guilty.

I live out of UK and here they promote the two equally. The consequence is very low bf rates. But no one feels guilty when the bottle comes out.

If we want to increase bf rates I find it hard to see how to stop women feeling guilty for ff.

OP. By trying to bf, you were trying to do the best by your LO. You are clearly a great mum. There are so many other important things in life that make women great mums. So many more important things that how you feed baby for the first few months of its life pale into insignificance.

And ofcourse babies who are ff are loved and nurtured - only really very unkind or very unthinking individuals would think anything different. FrightRunScream, you win my (notional) prize for being the first person on this thread to use the phrase 'formula is not poison' ....you know, as if anyone actually thought it was

I stopped BF after a week for various reasons & I too felt riddled with guilt. But BF is only a part of being a parent & you have to do what is right for you all as a family, if FF makes life that little bit easier then do it, your baby won't come to any harm. My DS1 was FF too as BF didn't work then either & a happier, more boisterous toddler would be hard to find!

DS2 is now 6 weeks & thriving, I still get pangs of guilt now & again but it's what we had to do & it works for us, DH can do some night feeds which means I get a bit more sleep.

Only you can really decide if you want to persevere though. I can't say if it gets easier as I never got that far.

Tt, you'd be surprised how many people sugguested it was when I stopped bf DS.

Loads of people hate bfing IME.

I have slogged away because I can do it so it would feel a bit like shortchanging my DC to not do it just because I don't like it and secondly because ff is so expensive.

Depending on which parts you don't like I LOVE mixed feeding. One bottle of formula a day is enough to mean that I can jeff off and stop being on-call 24/7 just for a little while. I don't like expressing, so used formula for the bottle.

If you want to mixed feed and not affect your supply you will have to be quite strict with yourself though.

FRS, you mean a lot of people said to you ' oh you've stopped breastfeeding and are now giving your baby that poison, I see.'

Really?

What sort of family, friends and randoms do you know?

And just as importantly, are you still speaking to them?

My anti natal group was run on the basis that we'd all be bf, and we were told that gvt guidelines prevented them giving us info on formula feeding. We were also given leaflets and a dvd very much promoting bf, and none mentioning FF.

So I think from that, we can assume that hcps think bf is right and FF is wrong, which adds hugely to the pressure to bf.

I know you are a v helpful and positive poster tiktok, but it is simply untrue to say that women who feel guilty about FF are only pressured by themselves. Middle class women live in a breast feeding 'bubble', where it appears that FF simply isn't an option. It wasn't discussed in my nhs ante natal class as an option.

OP, this is not the place to post if you truly want to stop bf. You will be told to persevere, and that 'support' will make it all ok. If however you do want to continue bf but would like some help, you will get that here.

I switched after 12 weeks of bf. Was too late to stop the pnd which crashed down on me. I would have had pnd anyway, but bf was a big factor in making me feel trapped.

FF is easy and convenient if you can afford the gear, and cartons for out and about.

Tiktok - I hate the 'formula isn't poison' line too. And no one said it to me in real life - but it was in the bottle feeding book I bought off amazon when the mw / HV had no lit on ff for me!

An excellent post Morris - I really agree about the bubble.

In France, you get tons of info on ff. What water to use, how to clean the bottles etc. Both bf and ff are promoted (ime) equally....but still people overwhelmingly ff. I find this a bit depressing as bf should be seen as the default option really. Ff is there to support people who don't want to bf. I'm surprised however there is no ff info from the NHS. People should still be supported in whatever choice they make.

I ff with my son who is now 7 and absolutely fine, I have to say for my own personal reasons I wouldn't have felt comfortable just flopping a breast out here and there to feed because I have a deformed nipple, anyway I will be ff my new baby and ff isn't a faff at all, each to your own, my friends all bf but at the end of the day it's a personal choice you can only make, don't feel guilty if its not working for you, don't feel pressured, and guess what my son turned out fine!

There is information on formula feeding available from the NHS. Here it is. It is also in the pregnancy and 0-5 books that every woman is given. If a HCP refuses to give information on making up formula safely then they are not doing their job properly.

There are mountains of leaflets on ff, issued by the NHS, non-branded with formula manufacturers logos; most first-time mothers in the UK get the Birth to 5 book (or the equivalent in Scotland) - good quality info in there too with nice pics :) I literally do not understand this idea that there is 'no information' about formula. There is - with clear instructions on safe and clean prep and storage.

If midwives and HVs don't have written info to give mothers who need it, then they should get it, or they are not doing their jobs.

What there isn't, though, is decent information about 'nurturing' ways to ff, and how to combine bf/ff with the least impact on health and on bf.

There are no government guidelines on formula information antenatally, but good practice is agreed by most people delivering antenatal info: you do not teach formula feeding in group situations antenatally. The reasons for this are sound: it is undermining to the choice to bf (which is fragile, even in middle class bubbles), and it is unsafe because people don't remember accurately enough the info they heard in a group months before. And you need accurate info to prepare and ff safely. There is no analogy with bf here.

Morris, I didn't say that women who ff are only pressured 'by themselves'. I accept that in middle class bubbles where it appears 'everyone' breastfeeds (they don't....and they certainly don't for long.....look at the stats), you can feel isolated and unsupported if you ff, and this can certainly feel like pressure and add to negative feelings. Women can feel embarassed and even ashamed if they are ff in the 'breastfeeding bubble', worried about using a bottle in a baby group for instance (though the reality is that most people do not judge, and that's even if they notice in the first place!).

I am saying that people are not 'made' to feel guilty by public health info/'camapigns' about bf, they are not 'made' to feel guilty because they did not get a leaflet on ff when pregnant. The feelings are deeper than that, IMO, and come from personal sadness and disappointment that it did not work out.

Would these feelings really not emerge if formula feeding was taught in the antenatal class? I don't think so.

Nutty - I understand your feelings and preferences, and support your right to choose what makes you feel most comfortable.

But in return, I ask you not to use phrases like "just flopping a breast out here and there to feed"....that's not a pleasant way to describe bf. This is the way 'anti-breastfeeders' or people who get angry at mothers bf outside the home, describe bf.

Not nice, not supportive, and not in the least descriptive :)

MGN - interesting you found the phrase in a book about formula!!!

It's in that sort of context that it's seen - defensive and prickly!