How do I get DP to understand my choice to BF??

[karmamother]

The problem is this.....I bf my ds for 17 months & am very pro-breastfeeding. I'm now 36 wks pg with a new partner. His 2 kids were bottle fed so he has no experience of bf. His opinions of bfing are as follows, and I quote....
"How do we know breast is best? It might not be"
"I've seen women be forced into bfing by MWs & they feel awful when they can't manage it"
"Bfing past 6 months is unnatural"
As an ex MW, I've tried to, ahem, address the above points!
Can you see a theme here? As well as these views, he's also said he wants to share the feeding. I've bought a pump so he can do his fair bit but he's still not happy. He also said he'll be concerned for me doing all the work, getting really tired & he'll be unable to help. I think secretly he's concerned about the fact I might not want to resume sexual activities!
Whenever we talk about it, we both end up really upset about it...well, mainly me really. I know I can't change his opinion but I'm so worried we'll end up facing more conflict once the baby's born. I need his support & understanding during the first few weeks when I'm feeding lots. He's going to compare it to bottles & think it's unacceptable to feed that much.
Sorry for the long rambly post but I really do get quite weepy & emotional when I think about this. BTW, he is accepting that I'll breastfeed & I think its a good compromise to express for his benefit. However, he feels this is my decision to bf & he has no say in it. Has anyone had any similar experiences & can offer any advice??

SBM, thanks for your post. It really struck a cord with me today & I actually cried when I read it. DP & I had a talk this morning about this. It started out as a discussion about my birth plan, which prompted a similar response to the bf issue. I tried to veer the discussion onto bf & he refused to "go over old ground". The upshot was he thinks he's totally reasonable in supporting whatever I choose to do, as I'll "do whatever I want to do anyway" (his words). He didn't want me to explain why I wanted things done a certain way, just to go ahead & do it. This really upset me. I then burst into tears which alarmed him, he couldn't see why us having differing views was necessarily a bad thing. Then, for the first time I was able to be honest with him. I'm scared about the impending birth & the first few weeks afterwards. Will he support me if the BFing is a bit tricky at first? I'll feel under pressure to give the impression that all is well, when it might not be. I think he was starting to understand but unfortunately he had to leave for work, so hopefully we'll discuss it further tonight.

It's been very therapeutic writing this down & MN has been a great help. Yes, you're right that MN provides me with the support I'm not getting from him. I may have to just accept that he will go along with my decisions & stop analysing it & trying to change his views.

You could try writing him a letter. That's what I sometimes do with dh - it works better than a talk as no-one can interupt! summarise all your main points maybe with bullet points. Sounds a bit odd doing this but I have found it works a treat with dh. Also having all the information together rather than straying off on only one particular thing (which one often does in a discussion) is helpful to give him the 'big picture'.

The only argument he has against it seems to be his kids were OK but this is a new baby and a completley different person. Its a bit like saying that you bought a car which worked fine and then buying the same model and expecting it to behave exactly the same way.

I do think you need his support more than just a 'lets agree to disagree' scenario. As you rightly point out there could be some difficulites and the last thing you want is him saying "I told you so"

One last point you may want to point out to him - if he has no experience of breastfeeding then how can he be against it? You can only have a true opinion about something that you know about.

I'm still breastfeeding my ds at 12 mths. My dh was against it at first,when I was pregnant. Think he thought I was going to be showing my breasts to everyone! He soon changed his mind when I convinced him how good it was for ds and he saw me do it. I used to wake him up to change nappies so we were both getting up. He's glad I bf now and wouldn't have it any other way

karmamother, I agree with hunkerpumpkin and bobbybob. has he issues with breastfeeding because he's uncomfortable with breasts being used for that when they are supposed to be "sexy".I'm training to be a breastfeeding counsellor and have been surprised that people tell me this is a common worry. 79 per cent of men PREFER their partners to breastfeed so he is in a minority. have you told him about the protection it may give women against some female cancers? kellymom is great; also aap website (american pediatricians) has some great info about benefits to child's health which may convince him. He may just be scared of the unknown; he thought he had child rearing pegged but he's something new- lots of men react against the unknown. Good luck with it, remember it must be your decision as it's your body- maybe that is the worry he has?.Remind him it will only be a few months before baby is on purees and maybe that can be his job; buy him a book of babyfood recipes and he can get freezing asap!.I'm the only member of my family in living memory to breastfeed but I have never ever regretted swimming against the tide! enjoy your baby together!lol,x

Eulalia, I just saw yr post about cost; Dia Michels, author of "milk, money and madness" about environmental effects of bottlefeeding ststes cost of formula in uk terms is £1,733 per year- don't know how this is worked out but is on american bf association website.Sorry I am such a spod but I am just doing this course and it's made me really fired up and passionate about it. Km,I had probs with feeding my 2nd but persevered and after 6 weeks it was like everything just came together and I came out of a tunnel.With the 3rd it was fine from the start, the first that was!It's different each time.important to have a support network and get enough rest and fluids.if he can help you with that aspect perhaps he will see he's still included even if you are bf.

There is a cost to breastfeeding - Special bras and those anoying breastpads. It really anoys me that there is probably VAT on them and why can't they be given free like formula is to some Mums. My breast keep reducing in size so I should get a new feeding bra quite often but can't afford it and I get a box of breast pads a month at about £5 a box.

It's still cheaper than formula though.

I got washable breastpads - still using them for baby no3 so that will save you money! Also you only need pads for the first few weeks as things shou;d settle downafter that.

I saw that quote about costs awhile ago - I think it covers everything like the cost of producing bottles, tins, cost of producing extra milk required etc. Very difficult to work it out when it gets to this stage. I was only talking about the actual cost of walking into a shop and getting a tin of formula or indeed those cartons ready made which cost more. Plus bottles, teats steralising equipment etc (I never used my steraliser at all with last baby as I didn't introduce solids till 6 months)

I don't think bottle feeders should feel morally inferior because they are 'damaging' the environment - that's taking things a bit too far. Plus the fact the baby food industry makes a lot of money which supposedly is supposed to go back towards helping babies but that is a whole other issue!

I got washable ones but they had poor absorbency. I tried two different types. I think I must leak a lot. Still leaking 9 mths later. azyway ignore me just feeling grumpy.

Thanks lucyhoneybee. I'm sure there is an element of boobs being a sexual thing in his opinion. Together with his view that pregnant tummies aren't attractive either, I'm sure he misses my body being sexually attractive. He probably thinks this will continue if I BF. I have told him I'll regain my (gorgeous??) figure quickly this way, BTW. Good luck with the course. The government wants to promote BFing so, IMHO, there should be more BF counsellors. possibly one at each HV clinic??

Re: cost of breastpads, whilt I BF last time I was lucky enough to never have a period so I reckoned I saved more money by not buying tampons.

sorry you are feeling grumpy Eaney. Having said al lthat I was leading too yesterday 3 months on and I tend to forget about hte pads or they slip. but yes forgot about lack of periods - 13 months and 18 months without them with my last 2 kids - that's over 2 and a half years so must have saved a fair bit.

Hi KM

I was talking to my dh about your situation, and thought (I don't know if he knows about this thread) that it might be helpful to hear another blokes opinion. (Sorry if i'm repeating someone elses opinion, i read most of the thread but not all).

But this is what dh said..
The outrage in public, I'm sure more people have been more outraged by guys taking a piss in the street after the pub!
And the women that he refers to who can't do it, how many of those really can't and how many just gave up because of lack of support?
And think of all the money you save! Has she tried telling him that?
It's not brain science for goodness sake.
Add to that the immunity the child gets from disease and it's no contest really.

When i told him that you thought that maybe it was more about not wanting to share your body with baby, and using breasts for a non sexy purpose, he got a bit annoyed, but this is what he said
It's tough shit basically.Surely the needs of your child come before the groping needs of the man!And wouldn't he rather that his wife recover from giving birth as quickly as possible? He sounds like an arogant prick who needs to read more (sorry his words not mine). And then he said, if he's that worried why doesn't he breastfeed! Men can do it you know!But seriously,If he wants to be involved there's nothing stopping him cuddling up to his wife and stroking babies head is there?

I don't know if you'd let him see that or if it would help or hinder but its plain veiws from another bloke. I bf for 9 months and he never felt left out. He felt a little helpless at times when i was tired and he couldn't really help. And it is hard, but it's worth it.

I really sympathise with you, my husbands mother was less than supposrtive at first but i (after a lot of stress) ignored her. Not so easy with your dh. I hope this will help. Seems like he needs a kick. i mean that in a nice way. To open his mind about it a bit.

Good luck, i'm sure you'll come through ok. Just don't do anything you don't want to. At the end of the day you'll suffer emotionally, he's not likely to. I don't mean to be harsh but it's the truth. You need love and support, by nature he should want to provide that. Just as you would for him in other situations. And at the end of the day if he still has a problem, i would just tell him that it's a special bond between mother and baby you are not prepared to give up, nature has done it this way for thousands of years so one man saying it's unnatural isn't really going to hold much weight. He may not think that the process of pregnancy, birth or nourishing is a beautiful thing but he is part of a minority. And if he wants to have that child that he will love and adore, then this is how it happens!

Sure you'll be fine, sorry if i've gone on.

god dh loves me to breastfeed as then he doesnt have to do night feeds

Just read throught the rest of this thread as i hae been gripped by it, Justadad you have got it spot on! Why don't all men (and some women) understand how simple it actually is?!

Also KM i realise now that you won't be wanting to let your dp read any of this, but i hope i've given you a few more ideas.. good luck again

Karma, it sounds as if you have made great inroads into the issue in your curtailed discussion.
I am wondering if perhaps your dp hasn't really explored why he feels unsettled by the prospect of your breastfeeding and he might not want to 'go there'. He may just be adopting the 'see how it goes when it happens' approach, incorporating the 'it's your choice and therefore your problem if it goes wrong'. Your interest in discussing it might make him feel increasingly uncomfortable. He is unlikely to want to be seen as irrational and it may just end up that he will.
He is unlikely to admit that he thinks his children could have had a better start, without admitting he and his partner didn't act in their childrens' best interests. I can't really imagine any benefit in including them in your discussions about your future child, as he might feel slightly defensive. I don't know how, but I would try to steer him away from introducing his other children into the equation, it's kind of a fait accompli now anyway.
I am wondering if you mentioned the health benefits of breastfeeding to you, it might make him feel more comfortable about the idea. He'd look like a right old grouch if he didn't want to maximise your wellbeing. There is loads of research about reducing the risk of breast cancer and so on. I'm sure someone on MN will be able to point you in the right direction.
I hope you have productive discussion with him.
Incidentally, I reckon by now he must have his suspicions about the topic of your discussion on MN. I'm just wondering how I'd feel if I thought my partner was emailing other people about me, I think I might need a bit of reassurance.

maisiemog, a very interesting post. You're spot on about his other children, he would never admit that they could've been given a more beneficial milk (my opinion, don't want to start an arguement about choice of milk.) Incidently, we had a very fruitful (if tense) discussion a few days ago about my wish to have a physiological third stage. Not entirely unconnected as it's all about what I feel is best. With his limited knowledge of the 3rd stage, he couldn't see why I would want to go to all that bother.(also, he didn't want to know the science behind it) When I told him why, he couldn't understand. Now, he's the kind of person that doesn't accept things at face value. he will always explore other ways of doing things. When I told him that I was doing just that, he was a bit lost for words!! BTW, he doesn't know about this thread, it would really uspet him if he knew. I'd be the same too.

PocketTasha,thanks for the guy's view. He is a stubborn sod & I know I can't change his opinion about this (well, not yet, at least) so I'm just going to do it anyway. There was never any doubt that I'd BF again but I'd rather he wasn't so bloody negative about it. I do think he's starting to realise what an arse he's been!