How do I get DP to understand my choice to BF??

[karmamother]

The problem is this.....I bf my ds for 17 months & am very pro-breastfeeding. I'm now 36 wks pg with a new partner. His 2 kids were bottle fed so he has no experience of bf. His opinions of bfing are as follows, and I quote....
"How do we know breast is best? It might not be"
"I've seen women be forced into bfing by MWs & they feel awful when they can't manage it"
"Bfing past 6 months is unnatural"
As an ex MW, I've tried to, ahem, address the above points!
Can you see a theme here? As well as these views, he's also said he wants to share the feeding. I've bought a pump so he can do his fair bit but he's still not happy. He also said he'll be concerned for me doing all the work, getting really tired & he'll be unable to help. I think secretly he's concerned about the fact I might not want to resume sexual activities!
Whenever we talk about it, we both end up really upset about it...well, mainly me really. I know I can't change his opinion but I'm so worried we'll end up facing more conflict once the baby's born. I need his support & understanding during the first few weeks when I'm feeding lots. He's going to compare it to bottles & think it's unacceptable to feed that much.
Sorry for the long rambly post but I really do get quite weepy & emotional when I think about this. BTW, he is accepting that I'll breastfeed & I think its a good compromise to express for his benefit. However, he feels this is my decision to bf & he has no say in it. Has anyone had any similar experiences & can offer any advice??

"Womens Lib", Charbell? Is this 1971?

(No - we'd all be bottlefeeding if it was).

I know you're pro, Stitch, but I don't wholly agree with you A caring father will want what's best for the baby, right?

LOL. I'm just joking! I have breastfed my LO for the last four months but constantly feel under pressure from the breastfeeding police in case I ever dared do otherwise - one of them was disguised as an NCT electric breast pump hiring person the other week. She gave me a hard time for wanting DP to give LO a bottle every night so he could have cute feeding baby and I could have a break. As for the women's lib police, they seem to pop out whenever anyone suggests that men and women actually are different. I find forums very amusing. People jump on you the minute you say anything in any way controversial. Apologies!

great post, stitch. You're right in your view that any further discussions will only lead to more upset. I'm leaving it alone for now in the hope that once he sees how truly wonderful BF is then he'll accept it. Just hope that any little niggles are easily sorted, don't want to give him any ammunition (as he'll perceive it) against BFing.

Love the discussion about BF police. If I had free reign I suspect I could be militant too.....![sheepish emoticon]

you are absolutely right hunker, but arent men the biggest babies around? they get sooo childish about some things. and act like spoilt rotten little brats when they dont get what they want NOW.
gits.

my DP wpould like me to stop bfing. I think he hopes my sex drive returns. My DD is 9mths. I just can't be bothered to wean baby onto bottles. Had a nightmare doing this at the 7mth stage with DS. I am currently sitting here BFing. Another advantage not mentioned.

Anyway how about suggesting mixed feeding as a compromise. I mix fed my dd for the first couple of months (had a lot to do with baby being in SBU and polycytemia)and found it quite easy to become 100% breast. I really think I should have kept up a bit of bottle as I really am tied to DD now and it is quite difficult to leave her with anyone for a long period. For example I have to take DS to hospital for a whole day and I don't know what to do. She drinks a little from a cup but not much.

Also it is DP's 40th soon and again don't know what to do to have an evening out. DP and I have not had an evening out together since Dec03. Not good for our relationship. Bfing when established is easy and cheap and it almost certainly is best for baby but there is a price to pay. Mostly I am oblivious to it but sometimes the day to day practicalalities rear their head.

hi karmamother,

oh no, that sounds like a stressful disagreement. i haven't had the same issue with my dh but my dh's mother thinks i'm off my rocker to still be breastfeeding - dd is 8 months. she tried to get me to give dd a bottle of cows milk (hahaha ridiculous) obviously dd wouldn't even put the bottle in her mouth and screamed her head off in rage at not getting mommy's boobies (that's my girl so i didn't even need to discuss it with her - baby did the talking).

i think expressing milk might be a really good way of compromising if baby's daddy wants to do some of the feeding. Have you tried selling the emotional side of bf and extra security and comfort babies get from bf? In my experience breastfeed babies don't do formula milk after 6 months of human milk so you probably wont have to do anything or convince anyone when the time comes. Also men (sorry to be sexist) do tend to be quite stubborn when they get an idea in their head and a woman knows better.

I was looking up these sites this eve as it happens - made me feel even more determined to caring on bf for ages yet
www.bygpub.com/natural/breastfeeding.htm
www.breastfeeding.com

i'm sure it'll all go well, me and dh had massive disagreements when I was pregnant and hormonal we've completely forgotten about what now and can't believe how cute dd is. good luck

Eaney - why don't you go out for a meal. Find a restarant that is happy to take a baby and you can feed/amuse baby and eat at the same time. Indian restaurants are good for accommodating children.

Eulalia, I might try that for DP's Birthday. Thing is she goes to bed about 7 or 8 but can wake up any time between that and Midnight looking for her last feed. If she woke up later I could possibly squeeze a meal in a local place but if she wakes up earlier Granny would not be too happy.

The Hosp is more tricky as I could take baby with me but it can get a bit hairy and I would rather be there on my own. Breastfeeding does have it's difficulties and if I try and find a solution with DP I just get 'Why are you still breastfeeding you stopped already with DS' I canceled the last Hosp apt hoping I could think of a solution or maybe even have introduced a bottle. I'm pretty good at expressing so maybe I will just have to try and introduce a bottle. I think I am toooo lazy. All the faff....

Good luck km with this. Could show this thread to your dp? Let him see the support you have plus the post by justadad.

piccolamamma, babies are so clever aren't they? They know how wonderful boobies are!
I've tried selling the advantages of BF to him but every time, he says his 2 kids never had a problem, were never ill, grew & slept well etc. IMO, thats like saying "if you walk across the M25 during rush hour & you don't get hit by a car, then its a safe road to cross". (That's the analogy that came to me in the middle of the night, BTW.) You know they say that BF babies are exposed to the taste of different foods in the milk & therefore might be easier to accept lots of foods once weaned? Well, my DP's ds will only eat chips, chicken & white bread & is annoyingly healthy (apparantly). I could use him as an example of why BF is advantageous but his dd eats everything so that's that arguement out of the bloody window.

Eaney - Does she take water from a cup/beaker? I fed dd1 till 12 months and used to put expressed milk in a cup as she never took to a bottle. I missed bottles out completely . Why not try that. I take dd2 with me every time I go out for a meal. She is invariably asleep and it means I am there if she does wake for a feed. We are lucky with the restaurants here though. They are very child friendly.

milward, not sure if that would be a good idea. He already thinks I spend too much time on here anyway & is generally dismissive of MN. I tend to log on whilst he's at work as a result. He was surprised that a man had posted on here & (jokingly) thought he must be a bit odd. My DP, whilst very loving & respectful of women in general, is quite old-fashioned. We had a brief conversation last night where I said we needed, at some point soon, to talk about my birth plan so he could support my decisions in labour. He'd never heard of them & couldn't understand why you'd want one. After explaining that I didn't want the medical staff to take over, he replied quite defensively, "well thats what some women want". Was he not even listening to me?? I was telling him what I want, I couldn't give a sh*t what other women want, FGS!!! Oooh, sorry about that rant, just needed to get it off my chest.

Eaney - I'm still BF DS (nearly 14mo). I had no interest in sex until a few weeks ago - and boy did it return with a bang I wouldn't say DH put me under pressure to give up BF to get sex, but there was a kind of unsaid atmosphere between us. Saying that, one of his mates told him - 'your wife will be mental for the first year. The baby always comes first. She'll have no interest in shagging. But life does return to normal'. He said that's what kept him sane in his 'gagging for it' state

Highlander, thats an interesting point! I'm sure I mentioned to my dp months ago that I went off sex whilst bf last time (different partner, BTW) so I've often wondered if that's the real issue. We still manage regular conjugals & as I'm 37 weeks I keep reminding him what a lucky boy he is!! I know we'll both be knackered after she's born so hopefully I won't feel there's any "pressure" to have sex for a while. Now, I don't want to give him any reason to be negative about the BF so I'm hoping for both our sake's we manage a bit now & then!! Sorry, if TMI!

I have veeerrrryyyy ;ow sex drive at the moment. Correction I have no sex drive at the moment. Can't remember what happened with DS. I'm not sure if it's BFing but it's easy to think it is. This is why DP would like me to quit. I worry about it not returning if I stop. What then?

ok, I'm coming to this thrtead a bit late and haven't read most of it (it;'s late for me!). But I'm sure bf has nothing to do with whether you feel like nooky or not... I'm still bf my ds at 21 months, and since he was 6 months old have been v.randy...ok I am a single mum, so haven't been totally able to excerise my wants. When you do feel up for it, I think you just have to use subtle ways to keep him off your boobs! All the best..

ophs! I jsut ansewered eany's message only - had flipped the thread and hadn't realised, sorry!
you can only tell him what you feel is best for you, someone who loves you should respect that whatever! Maybe say you'll bf until...so many months, and then maybe by that time he;ll have realise how wonderful is is. or forgotten!

i might be wrong but i think that libido is linked to your menstral cycle 1st and breast feeding 2nd. so while breast feeding might delay your periods starting again, its your period and hormone levels during ovulation that are most likely to make you 'up for it'. for example my cycle came back 8 months afte r my dd was born and it was two weeks before that (i.e. during ovulation) that I noticed a change in how I looked at dh! i still bf and everything is back to normal for me where my interest in dh and libido is concerned. ... anyway there are other ways to cheer men up etc. so they can't really use bf as an excuse.

karmamother,
he can't exactly stop you breastfeeding and if its making you feel fed up with him maybe don't talk about it for a while - meanwhile if you give birth in hospital you could have a word with a doctor ( a male one) and ask the doctor to set him straight on the bf issue.

maybe his mother didn't bf him and so he doesn't like the idea she did anything wrong or indeed he did anything wrong with his other babies. admitting you're right would mean feeling perhaps bad about his past choices so its easier to keep the same ideals as before for him.

hope you're getting lots of rest and nice food

KM, it's worth noting that although his DS may be healthy on a (very) limited diet now, the negative health effects of a bad diet are long term. (And if that really is all he eats, he's probably badly constipated, for one thing.)

Surely he can see the benefit of a child eating more than that?

... it does sound like he sees doing things differently as being disloyal to his kids, choosing to have this child be different. Which is understandable, but also bonkers.

What about the cost? Don't know how much formula costs but if you add it all up over a year it must come to quite a lot. Why not give him a tin and ask him to put the money aside and you buy yourselves somethingwith it

You should be reassuring and tell him what to expect, that it is harder and also there is lots of evidence as to why it is better that you could show him, I mean there is no question that it is better it is like saying maybe smoking isn't bad. I breastfed for 11 months until my son started biting! At times all my family were at me to stop thinking it was helping me but they did not it only made me more determined and stressed out when they could have listened to me and understood it is very different and involves some 'hardships' compared to bottlefeeding. My gut reaction is that this is how you look after babies and why should you change this. I mean are you really gonna drop all your values and ideas about breatfeeding and go for the bottle just because he is set in his ways?

Hey KM, sorry for your woes

Could be way off here (sorry) but seems to me like the issue isn't bf but actually how your DP is making you feel - unsupported and undermined by him - whether he intends it or not. BF is just the sympton rather than cause.

Stressed tired unsupported bf mum is far worse than coping, supported, healthy happy bottle feeding mum.
But, your body, your decision. If BF works for you/your child, go for it - no one with have more expertise on what is right for you and your baby than you. Controversial, but your relationship with your baby is more important than any other relationship you have.

Personally, I would veer towards the middle ground compromise. Parenthood hard enough without adding extra tension between the two of you. Starting out with major disagreements will not make for happy parents or child. Can you decide on some 'key principles' that are non - negotiable and then explain to him you can accomodate him around those? My (albeit strong) opinion on your key principles would be a) whatever his ex-partner did is irrelevant - if it were, her name would still be on the credit cards and b)if MN is useful to you and you get support from it, frankly he can just get over his 'you spend too much time on there' opinion unless he is willing to personally replace the support you get here and finally c)he's just one guy questioning bf is best - does he really know more than World Health Organisation, NHS, NCT, years of evolution and science?
Sorry that was a bit of a rant but I'm irritated that you are having a hard time getting him to see you need a bit of extra support and TLC!

Message withdrawn