How do I get DP to understand my choice to BF??

[karmamother]

The problem is this.....I bf my ds for 17 months & am very pro-breastfeeding. I'm now 36 wks pg with a new partner. His 2 kids were bottle fed so he has no experience of bf. His opinions of bfing are as follows, and I quote....
"How do we know breast is best? It might not be"
"I've seen women be forced into bfing by MWs & they feel awful when they can't manage it"
"Bfing past 6 months is unnatural"
As an ex MW, I've tried to, ahem, address the above points!
Can you see a theme here? As well as these views, he's also said he wants to share the feeding. I've bought a pump so he can do his fair bit but he's still not happy. He also said he'll be concerned for me doing all the work, getting really tired & he'll be unable to help. I think secretly he's concerned about the fact I might not want to resume sexual activities!
Whenever we talk about it, we both end up really upset about it...well, mainly me really. I know I can't change his opinion but I'm so worried we'll end up facing more conflict once the baby's born. I need his support & understanding during the first few weeks when I'm feeding lots. He's going to compare it to bottles & think it's unacceptable to feed that much.
Sorry for the long rambly post but I really do get quite weepy & emotional when I think about this. BTW, he is accepting that I'll breastfeed & I think its a good compromise to express for his benefit. However, he feels this is my decision to bf & he has no say in it. Has anyone had any similar experiences & can offer any advice??

don't suppose your fella could be one of those men that are actually jealous of the baby, and the attention it gets off mom? i know it sounds awfull to say but but i do think some men go off the rails for a while when your pregnant or have just given birth. he might think your boobs are solely for him and subconsciously resent the fact that the baby is sucking on them every 2 hours! just a thought, im a pro breastfeeder myself, but remember that men are really from mars....

Reading this thread has made me register so that I can contribute!

My wife has breastfed both our children, the first until 14m and is currently feeding the second (only 3m old). There was never any need for discussion about whether to BF or not, we both wanted that best possible start for the children. We were not sure how well it would go, as both of our mothers had given up at an early stage, but my wife was determined to give it her best shot with >100% support from me.

So what's BF like from a man's point of view? Well initially with our first child I did feel a little excluded because that was one area of her upbringing that I could not really get involved in and it did seem to create an extra-special bond between them. However 2 years down the line I certainly don't feel that our daughter sees me as a lesser parent compared to her mother. Strangely I don't get the same feelings of exclusion now my wife is feeding the second child, possibly because we're so damn busy that I don't get the time!

With regards to breasts becoming de-sexualised during the period of BF - did I feel that "my toys" had been taken away? Well sure I miss them, but actually I do realise that they're not mine, I have no "right" to them , I am merely granted access. As parents we all make so many sacrifices for the good of our children and has simply to be regarded as one of them. Besides which, it's not as if they're off limits for ever!

As for which is better, BF or bottle - as a scientist I reckon a few million years of evolution have got the edge on a few decades of human experimentation!

Oh and I do know how to operate washing machines, hoovers, ovens etc and can assemble a breast pump with one hand whilst holding a child on the other arm!

Good for you Justadad!!

well done & welcome Justadad - you sound great & just like my hubby

Great post justadad! Welcome You should be called 'morethanadad' though

Wow Justadad, I struggle to do my breast pump with two hands . Great to hear your side of things though. This is the way it SHOULD be IMHO. Good on you. If Dads feel excluded they have the rest of the childs life to make it up. The baby won't remember being breastfed but they will remember who played with them, bathed them, read to them and took them fun places when they are older. Weaning can start after 4-6 months and they can feed them then too. Breasts are the property of the mother not the DH/DP or the child (although it can feel like it sometimes). It is up to us what we do or don't do with them and if a mother chooses to bf she should be supported 100%.

I'm going to remember your evolutionary comment JAD so that I can quote it in future - well summed up!

justdad; so eloquently put

Just popping in to say thanks for the great posts. Justadad, you sound fab.

hope i havn't rattled your cage too much justadad!

been reading this thread with interest. Thought of something finally to add!

Karmamother your fella sounds like he's only seen the negatives of bf. (his comment about women being forced to bf). My suggestion would be to actually show him the positives. Reading the 101 reasons to bf is all very well - but he needs to see bf as normal behaviour to see these benefits. Is there a local bf group/cafe you can start hanging out at like LLL or NCT? Makes lots of friends who bf & invite them round for coffee so he can get used to the idea of bf as normal & best for your baby.

If it doesn't work you will at least have made some lovely new friends to go & have a moan with about your fella & get some support from them so you don't feel alone in bf your LO.

twiglett already said it. make him come back with the research to back up his assertions.

can't you do both? is it an exclusive thing? is there no middle ground - don't shoot me just asking.

can you express enough to enable him to do allt he night feeds?

Although my DH is absolutely NOT against breastfeeding he was a bit worried about the 'bonding' side of things when I was pg with DD.
DS went on to bottles from 6 weeks and so DH had a lot of input in feeding him and loved it and so when I told DH I wanted to breastfeed the new baby for as long as I could, he did say, "But what about me?" (as in 'what about me feeding the baby' not 'what about me and your breasts' kind of thing )
We decided to 'wait and see' and not get into a state about it before the baby was born.
When DD was born it wasn't long before he realised he was on to a good thing that he never had to get up in the night or prepare bottles. He also saw that breastfed babies nappies are far nicer than bottlefed babies nappies .
So nothing more was said after DD was born and I happily breastfed her for 10 months.

Perhaps, when your baby comes, if your DH's only experience is with bottlefeeding, he will see that life is actually so much easier if you breastfeed your baby?

I have now gone back and read some more posts and found Justadad's great post ... ...
My DH would write a similar post I think .... he has definitely bonded with DD as much as he bonded with DS ... she adores him ... and would agree with your 'evolution' comment.

km, i havent read all the posts here, i am very very pro breastfeeding.
but i remember a comment a midwife once made. she said that a baby needed a father more than they needed breastmilk

sigh<
we like justadad, don't we?
yes, we do
straight out of the top drawer

Oh lovely, lovely JustADad. Just lovely. In my opinion, once a man gets himself in such a state about something, the only thing you can do is resort to emotional blackmail. I suggest you tell him that you have listened to his points of view but you would like him to sacrifice them for you. Tell him that you don't ask for much but for once, you want him to do something unconditionally for you, at least for four months, say, i.e. to bite his tongue and let you get on with it. After three months he won't be bothered anymore. I know the breastfeeding, women's lib police will shoot me for this posting but sometimes avoidance of confrontation is the best way to give a man some space to let them work it out for themselves.

Why is it the breastfeeding women's lib police?

And Stitch, think I'd rather my baby had breastmilk than a father who would use emotional blackmail to get his own way.

stitch - i dosagree entorely with that. This baby's father is present, but just behaving like a dick. Why should the baby's present and future health be compromised becasue he's behaving like a twat?

My DP nearly saw this thread yesterday so I had to log off sharpish!! He spotted the name Justadad & piped up, "There are dads on there?????!!!" So I had to wrap up my post as I dread to think what he'd say if he knew I was discussing this with you all.

Ghosty, I thought he'd be happy to avoid night feeds too but he's one of those bizarre people that can function well after broken sleep & he's done nightshifts for years. Its me that goes to pieces without my 8 hrs!! Thats the irony of this, if I was bottle feeding I'd have such an easy life as he'd do the night feeds. But we don't do things because they're easy, but because its the best for baby, don't we?

Sorry - two separate organisations.

The breastfeeding police are separate from the women's lib police but there is some overlap.

Pretty offensive all the same, Charbell. Why police?

km, and hunker, can i please remind you just how probreastfeeding i am? BUT i still reiterate that a child needs a caring father more than breastmilk.
as yo usaid, it seems he is acting like a twat, more than having any actual solid reasons for wanting formula. you just need to educate him on what is best for baby. and also, try to avoid the confrontation, as it will lead to you being upset, and possible problems with milk letdown ets.
good luck