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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

How do I get DP to understand my choice to BF??

116 replies

karmamother · 29/10/2005 11:07

The problem is this.....I bf my ds for 17 months & am very pro-breastfeeding. I'm now 36 wks pg with a new partner. His 2 kids were bottle fed so he has no experience of bf. His opinions of bfing are as follows, and I quote....
"How do we know breast is best? It might not be"
"I've seen women be forced into bfing by MWs & they feel awful when they can't manage it"
"Bfing past 6 months is unnatural"
As an ex MW, I've tried to, ahem, address the above points!
Can you see a theme here? As well as these views, he's also said he wants to share the feeding. I've bought a pump so he can do his fair bit but he's still not happy. He also said he'll be concerned for me doing all the work, getting really tired & he'll be unable to help. I think secretly he's concerned about the fact I might not want to resume sexual activities!
Whenever we talk about it, we both end up really upset about it...well, mainly me really. I know I can't change his opinion but I'm so worried we'll end up facing more conflict once the baby's born. I need his support & understanding during the first few weeks when I'm feeding lots. He's going to compare it to bottles & think it's unacceptable to feed that much.
Sorry for the long rambly post but I really do get quite weepy & emotional when I think about this. BTW, he is accepting that I'll breastfeed & I think its a good compromise to express for his benefit. However, he feels this is my decision to bf & he has no say in it. Has anyone had any similar experiences & can offer any advice??

OP posts:
Original poster
karmamother · 29/10/2005 23:39

hunker, his ex-wife was a bottle feeder from the word go (I think) but he says he knows of women who have had a hard time trying to bf & are lumbered with a ton of guilt for failing, (his words, not mine). I suggested they might have had unrealistic expectations, lack of support form mw/family etc. Anyway, I've done it before so what does it matter what happened to other women? Anyway, your post has some good advice in it, he'll definately do the sling bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
karmamother · 29/10/2005 23:44

hunker.....I am starting to wonder what I see in him! He is a very loving person but we are poles apart on this subject. I agree that men aren't generally geared up to childbirth that way we are, & I just need to accept this. I just hope he changes his mind even a little bit once she's born.

OP posts:
hunkerpumpkin · 30/10/2005 00:20

Fingers crossed, KM!

Seems strange he's so set on telling you about people who've not been able to breastfeed for whatever reason, when he knows you have!

nooka · 30/10/2005 00:25

karmamother - maybe he just enjoyed giving his other babies bottles? I know that you have said that you will express, but I think that for some guy's it can be quite disempowering to have to take a back seat in such a fundamental area. Perhaps he thinks that the other things were presented as things to do were a bit of a sop to him? Hopefully it will all go smoothly, and he will come around to the idea. The fact that he is showing concern for you has to count in his favour a bit (doesn't it?). Why not say that you would like to be looked after when you breastfeed - especially if you think he wants to be more nurturing. It might be related to you having brought up one child single handedly - perhaps he is worried about what role you will "allow" him to play? Or of course, he might just not like breastfeeding!

bobbybob · 30/10/2005 00:30

I think he'll come around personally. I think he reckons he knows it all because he's done it twice before. When he sees you breastfeed and experiences a water birth he will be fine. And if he's not then neither of these things last forever and he will get over it.

I remember when I was pg, dh and I wanted the full hospital birth with lots of machines that go ping. Further down the track we had a waterbirth and I fed for 2.5 years.

Original poster
karmamother · 30/10/2005 08:32

Nooka, thats what I thought originally, that it was as simple & straight forward as that. However, after further discussions I think there's more to it. You've got me thinking, though. You know that book "Men are from Mars..", IIRC men need to feel useful & able to solve the problem, whatever it may be. I need to make sure he has plenty to keep him occupied, obviously!
Thanks bobbybob, it does seem like a huge issue at the moment but in reality it's no more than a phase which will pass. Men are like children really so as long as I give him plenty of attention too, we should be ok!!!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 30/10/2005 08:54

as he's a bloke I think I'd say to him to prove to me that formula feeding is in any way superior to breast feeding

send him off to do his own research .. he really isn't going to find any now is he ... but he will find lots on breast feeding being advantageous to his child

highlander · 30/10/2005 11:27

you don't have to 'persuade' him. You're doing the best, most natural thing for your baby and he has no say over the matter. What's more, you'll be doing it for at least a year. He can like it or lump it. Grow up or shut up.

Sorry, I know I'm rude, but it bugs me when perfectly intelligent men start to behave like cretins when it comes to BF.

aloha · 30/10/2005 11:32

My dh isn't like a child at all.

auntymandy · 30/10/2005 11:38

just tell him you are and thats that!

suzi2 · 30/10/2005 11:55

I think he's challenging you... not sure why though! - I don't really understand men. Perhaps as twiglett says, you could challenge him to provide you with 101 good reasons to formula feed...

Skyler · 30/10/2005 11:59

Top post Highlander!
Glad you are so strong about this KM.
And good luck!

NotQuiteCockney · 30/10/2005 21:23

If he faces the fact that formula isn't as good as breastfeeding, then he has to face that he and his previous wife didn't make the best choice for their two kids? (Or, more likely, maybe she had a hard time breastfeeding, and it was very stressful and unpleasant for him, particularly as he couldn't really help?)

So maybe it's easier (for him) to just carry on with formula?

Obviously, I think this is largely your choice, and you're making the right choice, I'm just trying to work out other reasons why he might be so stubborn about this.

Original poster
karmamother · 31/10/2005 19:20

Thanks, I am absolutely committed to this whatever he feels but it would be nice if he agreed with me. On a positive note, we were talking about the water birth issue today & he now says he has no strong feelings either way, whatever is best for me. Progress indeed.

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Blu · 31/10/2005 19:30

km, if he is stubborn, I would honestly leave it for the time being, and then calmly get on with it (fingers crossed for you) without making it an issue when it comes to the event.
Hopefully he will be so on love with the little one, and will forget whatever is making him panic / feel inadequate / feel possesive / out of control or over-concerned about you!

He is now beyond logic, so don't waste any more time arguing.

Original poster
karmamother · 31/10/2005 21:45

thanks blu, you've basically summed up how I feel about it now. I don't want to ruin our last few weeks before she's born by creating tension about this.

OP posts:
dizietsma · 01/11/2005 02:00

Whoa. KM, I'm gobsmacked at your partners blatant willful ignorance. He's a stubborn man, eh? Bf and ignore his nonsense.

I'd like to give him an earful for his appalling attitude to the woman he saw feeding in public- are bf mums meant to have amazing sleight of hand skills? Whip out the nipple and pop it in the babys mouth without a single flash of the offending organ? What a Victorian attitude. Grr. Sorry for the rant. I'm having a hard enough time bf without imagining the world to be full of disapproving glances.

Yes, some women have a hard time bf, I'm one of them, but it sounds to me like you're fairly accomplished at it given you managed 17 months worth with your previous child. Frankly I'll be overjoyed if DD and I make it to the 6 month mark.

Original poster
karmamother · 01/11/2005 09:02

Just got to say...Yay!! I'm on the MN home page! It's amazing how emotive any BF threads are, isn't it?

In reply to your post, dizietsma, I feel I've almost earned the right to BF since I managed it for so long. I have to point out that it wasn't always plain sailing. I had an awful time in the first 8 weeks & planned to persevere till 12 weeks then change to bottles in time for returning to work. However, by the 9th week, it all fell into place & I didn't look back.

From reading the pyriad of BF threads on here I do realise that bf this time might be totally different, after all, my baby hasn't had the practice I've had! Hopefully, we won't have too many problems as I don't want dp to think it's a trauma in any way.

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sweetkitty · 01/11/2005 09:20

Will never understand the breastfeeding in public is so bad as you may inadvertantly see a boob for oh 30 seconds. Have these men never been on holiday and seen topless women? Have they never looked at page 3 or porn?

My brother is like this he thinks BFing is disgusting yet used to have loads of topless women posters in his room. He says he doesn't want to see his sisters boobs, but what would he actually see? and then he would have to be really looking wouldn't he?

Sorry drives me a bit mad the hypocrisy

Eulalia · 01/11/2005 09:32

Some very good posts here. Have you considered that he is just plain old jealous? My dh is very supportive of breastfeeding all 3 of our children but has still experienced feelings of being left out. It's similar to you in that his previous kids were all bottle fed but he didn't like it.

My dh said he felt he couldn't give our child 'life' and he was only able to give him cuddles etc. He was quite sensible about it though as he is a much older dad and I feel more atune to his feelings. I am sure a lot of dads have these deep-seated feelings and maybe just hide them or mask them by rationalising them into 'bottle is just as good as breast'.

Anyway good luck - its ultimately your decision of course but I know its much easier when you get full support. Any chance he'd join a breastfeeding workshop - see if a local group could run one in an evening that would include dads?

Mojomummy · 01/11/2005 10:45

Ooh long thread & I'm at work so will have to read it all later.

Must be a tricky situation if you DP isn't supporting you.

What about saying that BF is best for BOTH of you ? Can you say highlight the postives - less breast cancer/ovarian risks ? better for long term health for both mum & baby ?

Will ask my DH his thoughts as always good to see another mans point of view

Mojomummy · 01/11/2005 10:50

BTW there are LOTS of other ways he can help - My Dh used to cook us really nice lunches & tea's whilst I was doing the lunch/evening b'feed & if/when she woke in the night he'd get her out of bed & bring her in & then take her back to her cot whilst I lay there completely shattered ! that's the help I needed & there are plenty of ways he can be really useful.

Assume he'll be off work for 2 weeks paternity & then be going back to work, so he won't be around to frown/dictate (sorry if the wrong word here)

As someone wrote, there is no advantage to him giving the baby a bottle if you're having to hoover/cook tea etc etc

Mojomummy · 01/11/2005 10:59

Where are the MN dads ? can they offer anything advice ?

Pagan · 01/11/2005 11:06

Don't know what else to add other than that's what your breasts are for and it's the most natural thing in the world. It's all about attitude I think and if he's never been subjected to it then he'll think that way. Once he sees you doing it then hopefully he'll change his opinion. Good luck

dyzzidi · 01/11/2005 11:22

I'm 32 Wks PG and My DP has asked me if I am going to BF when I said no (another Story) he said he felt so relieved after watching a couple of close friends go through the mill with their partners when they were experiencing problems BF. He said he would support any decision he made but really felt if I had the sameproblems our friends did he would be angry that we had a hungry baby but was unable to fulfil it. At least my DH kept his opinions to himself until I hade made my mind up.

IF this is something your partner has expereinced with his other kids which he does not want to see you go through you should maybe try to get to the bottom of his anxiety.

I wish you all the best as most men can be stubborn mules and he should respect any choices you make. Good Luck