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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

MILs strange facination with BFing

82 replies

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 00:02

Hmmm, I come from a family of formula feeders and have been BFing my DS for 6.5 months. My family don't live nearby. Which is not all that exciting really.

On taking DS home the whole BFing thing just happened pretty smoothly and there hasn't been any real issues. I read what to Expect in The First Year and felt fine about the whole thing.

Hmmm...MIL felt the need to walk in on me after my first week when bedroom door was shut and my top off to say "so I can advise about breast feeding" to which she was curtly told that I was fine.
When she stayed to help, she kept walking in the bedroom when the door was closed offering cups of tea, I think I sorted that dilemma by yelling at her angrily that I am getting changed.

A couple of months later I asked to see photos of DH to compare them to DS, she couldn't locate any but PILs found video which I haven't watched because DH was being BF on it.

Last weekend she stayed and when I fed DS she was telling me what boob I last fed him from. I ignored this information.

Ok, she is weird isn't she?? But I know I may have to rely upon to look after DS when he grows up possibly and don't want to have a proper confrontation about this as it does make me feel uncomfortable talking about it and I do know her intenion is to be helpful. But FFS.

Any tips anyone, or am I just being spineless? Or similiar stories to commiserate with.

OP posts:

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 11/02/2011 00:13

I think maybe she is just generally intrested in BFing. I take it she BF your DH... probably at a time when it was rarer and is abit "ooooo, I did it too!" Kinda sweet :)

cece · 11/02/2011 00:18

She sounds like she is trying to be helpful. Not weird, just wanting to share. Perhaps walking into your bedroom when the door is shut is a bit off though! Otherwise I think it is nice she is taking an interest. Mine kept saying things like 'oh so you are still bf are you?' in a you shouldn't still be doing it way!

TheSecondComing · 11/02/2011 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dollydimples · 11/02/2011 00:19

I think she's just trying to 'bond' with you - she feels she has something in common with you as you both breastfed your babies. Offering you drinks while your feeding is really thoughtful :)

hellymelly · 11/02/2011 00:19

Doesn't sound weird to me,sounds like she is trying to find common ground with you ,but not quite getting it right. She maybe isn't picking up that you are finding it intrusive.Could you talk to her about something baby related that you both could share? that way maybe you could get things on a better footing.

dollydimples · 11/02/2011 00:24

But if you like your privacy when you're feeding you need to tell her. I'm sure she won't mind. I bet she's really proud that your breastfeeding her Grandchild.

harpsichordcarrier · 11/02/2011 00:26

No, she doesn't sound at all weird. She is taking an interest. Her boundaries are different but there isn't anything weird about any of the behaviour you describe at all - but what is weird is your overreaction to her genuine interest.
Tbh you sound like you are being really very rude and aggressive towards her indeed - can you identify why you are being so impatient with her, talking to her curtly and yelling at her angrily is not really on, to be frank.

ZenNudist · 11/02/2011 00:36

Not what you want to hear but another bf-ing mum here who thinks your MIL is just trying to be helpful. Offering drinks and remembering which side you fed from is thoughtful & I've noticed older women who have bf-ed seem to feel kinship with young mums doing it now. It's lovely if you could try & see it that way. If she's really getting on your tits (sorry, bad pun intended ) you could gently point out that tho you appreciate her efforts you've been lucky enough to find bf a doddle & you prefer to have your own space to get on with it alone.

Loopymumsy · 11/02/2011 06:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 11/02/2011 07:05

She's probably just trying to get involved. I wish I had been able to talk to my mam or MIL, when I went through the normal ups and downs of BF. Accept those drinks now while there is someone to make them.
Congratulations too!

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 11/02/2011 07:14

stop calling her weird

she is being nice

you wuold be complaining if she was telling you ity was an odd way to feed your child

Lulumaam · 11/02/2011 07:30

I agree with harpsi and trin

you're yelling at her, leaving doors closed, you're being curt

there is NO excuse for rudeness when someone is being helpful and intersted

what is there to confront her abou?

she is interested, supportive, wnats to give you drinks to make sure you are hydrated

unless there is a big back story, you are being rude and seeing something that isn't there

there is no weirdness, but a supportive kind MIL ,which makes a change from exhortations to stop BF

i just don't get this at all...... what is there to comiserate with??

FreudianSlippery · 11/02/2011 07:40

Sorry you're being quite rude. She's trying to be nice and supportive of your BFing which judging by other threads is rare! Maybe if you were a bit more welcoming to questions and comments (not 'curt' as you said) she would stop hassling you as much!

TimeWasting · 11/02/2011 07:51

She's not weird at all.
Sounds like she wants you to know that you don't have to hide in the bedroom to feed a baby, she's there to answer any questions you might have and a bit of solidarity from another breast-feeding mother.

Sorry you're so embarrassed by it.

immortalbeloved · 11/02/2011 07:52

Hmmm I'm not sure about this one

I agree with the others that she is just trying to be helpful and maybe bond with you, but I do think it's completely out of order for her to barge into your bedroom uninvited. I don't blame you for being curt/upset with her about that

And if she's done it several times I can see why it's colouring your overall view of her, but I think you should maybe try to be firm about wanting your privacy but also maybe try and chat a bit with her about bf- maybe ask her some questions about her experience with it, I'm sure she'd love that and then the situation is win win

MummyBerryJuice · 11/02/2011 08:17

I understand how complex the MIL/DIL relationship can be and that it can be difficult to judge the boundaries. I remember my MIL visiting us when we lived abroad and bringing us tea in bed in our own home and staying for a chat!!! I was not impressed.

However, as others have said, I do think you are reading her wrong here. She is trying to be friendly and helpful and probably trying to forge some sort of friendship based on mutual interest.

Cut her some slack and maybe talk to her about your experiences of bf when you are dressed and comfortable.

pagwatch · 11/02/2011 08:24

Tbh you sound very rude when nothing in your post seems to justify your being so.
She is not weird. You sound chippy and aggressive.

Assuming you are not ordinarily so, is there any reason you are so hostile towards her?

AmandaCooper · 11/02/2011 08:30

Is it just your MIL watching you feed that bothers you, or is it anyone you don't know intimately? If this is not particular to your MIL it's probably just an issue of different people having different boundaries. If you feel uncomfortable being observed feeding then that's bound to be compounded by anything your MIL does to make you feel she's observing more closely - such as commenting on which side you've fed from.

I'd try to communicate how I felt - at a neutral time away from the stress trigger - and try to agree some boundaries.

AmandaCooper · 11/02/2011 08:31

Also I agree that she shouldn't come into your room without knocking.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 11/02/2011 08:39

Sorry but I agree you are being a bit rude. She is trying to help, she knows how tough it can be and that you don't have family nearby.

DirtyMartini · 11/02/2011 08:48

I think you are being oversensitive about this. Which is fine, you have a young baby, maybe you don't like people focussing on the details of your breastfeeding and prefer to just get on with it - fair enough.

But it's not fair on your MIL to expect her to know this automatically. It's not fair on her to yell or be angry that she tries to help you.

As Lulumaam says, there's no need to have a confrontation; I'm not sure why you would think that. It makes you sound like you have this all out of proportion. Why bypass a normal conversation/explanation and jump straight to conflict? (Unless there is more to this?) Why not try explaining along the lines of Amanda's post about your feelings, see if that helps?

Kiwiinkits · 11/02/2011 09:15

FWIW mum LOVES to watch me Bfing DD. She sits really close to me and watches it intently! I think it just brings back happy memories for her. Your MIL is probably trying to be supportive.

Katiekatiekatekate · 11/02/2011 09:25

I feel a bit sorry for you being told you're rude... I kind of understand where you're coming from because I'm very private and wouldn't like it myself, particularly if the door was closed. Actually I'd hate it, probably because I don't have a relationship with my own mother so I'm not used to it - any similarity?!

But everyone has different boundaries and she probably doesn't understand what she's doing wrong when in her eyes she's doing her best to be kind and supportive. I think maybe it would help to just explain to her that it makes you feel uncomfortable, but ask her for advice on other things to make her feel included (eg, how she introduced solids, stopped using a dummy if relevant etc etc).

wonka · 11/02/2011 09:27

I thnik ita a bit wierd to hide in your room to feed. I nurse my baby anywhere he is hungry.
We all have a little wierdness.
I wish I had the support you have when feeding my first in stead of constantly being told 'why cant you just give him a bottle'

treacletart · 11/02/2011 09:29

I'm baffled. Why do you not want to watch the video of your husband feeeding as a baby?

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