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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

MILs strange facination with BFing

82 replies

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 00:02

Hmmm, I come from a family of formula feeders and have been BFing my DS for 6.5 months. My family don't live nearby. Which is not all that exciting really.

On taking DS home the whole BFing thing just happened pretty smoothly and there hasn't been any real issues. I read what to Expect in The First Year and felt fine about the whole thing.

Hmmm...MIL felt the need to walk in on me after my first week when bedroom door was shut and my top off to say "so I can advise about breast feeding" to which she was curtly told that I was fine.
When she stayed to help, she kept walking in the bedroom when the door was closed offering cups of tea, I think I sorted that dilemma by yelling at her angrily that I am getting changed.

A couple of months later I asked to see photos of DH to compare them to DS, she couldn't locate any but PILs found video which I haven't watched because DH was being BF on it.

Last weekend she stayed and when I fed DS she was telling me what boob I last fed him from. I ignored this information.

Ok, she is weird isn't she?? But I know I may have to rely upon to look after DS when he grows up possibly and don't want to have a proper confrontation about this as it does make me feel uncomfortable talking about it and I do know her intenion is to be helpful. But FFS.

Any tips anyone, or am I just being spineless? Or similiar stories to commiserate with.

OP posts:

EsioTrot · 11/02/2011 10:54

Pag, I lurk a lot and always think you talk such sense and really enjoy reading your posts but am at pavlova dog...love it!

EsioTrot · 11/02/2011 10:55

Bollocks you corrected it first

pagwatch · 11/02/2011 10:55

It would be a truly bad pudding.

EsioTrot · 11/02/2011 10:59

Sorry for hijack OP

Original poster

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 11:08

Oh yeah 6.5 months we have some what gotton over our shyness we had at newborn stage, but you know sometimes DCs can get a little distracted from their lunch so we do like a bit of privacy occasionally, but in saying that we don't always go to the bedroom thesedays, because clearly you do need to get out of the house.

Pagwatch, I'm happy for you and your go anywhere attitude, but it's just not for me. My boobs aren't flags for political correctness and I don't actually remember typing the word shouting in my original post and I was getting changed at the time.

I just want to get on with it without someone making 'a thing of it' and yes I do find it weird and uncomfortable when they talk about it - it has been a while now - I think I've got the gist, everyone else doesn't even refer to it when I do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 11:14

Clenchbottom, very helpful post, thank you.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 11/02/2011 11:14

at boobs being flags for political correctness.

I don't have any issues about feeding. Never felt the need to do it in front if anyone nor especially in private. I had a friend I used to visit who was uncomfortable about it. As soon as I realised I was happy to take her offer to go off somewhere 'discreet'

You seem to think I am telling you to feed in public. Actually in my post I suggested that you just explain your need for privacy to her in a friendly way.

I wasn't trying to quote you re shouting. I was just drawing on the tone of your post - you used curt' and 'yelling'

Fwiw you now seem annoyed with me. So I shall bow out. But maybe. Fighting with people who disagree with you isn't going to get some issues easily resolved.

I hope you do chat with her and sort it. A mil who is trying to help is way better than the alternative.

Good luck

Original poster

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 11:16

Pagwatch I do very much agree with you on your final point and thank you for your input.

OP posts:

yama · 11/02/2011 11:17

I'm with you op. I am b/feeding my second child and am very comfortable around most but not all people.

I understand your feelings about privacy. Growing up in a large family, my Dad made sure we respected each other's privacy.

CornflowerB · 11/02/2011 11:32

I understand where you are coming from Malachysmum. My own mother was very interested in my bf and tried to make supportive comments, which I appreciated, but I found it very uncomfortable. I just wanted to be left alone to get on with it. But I come from a family who make a BIG DEAL and drama out of everything and I just wanted bf to be normal and not 'wonderful' and 'fantastic' and 'so natural' and the babies so 'well nourished'. Oh FGS it's just milk!!!! But I bit my tongue (mostly) because the alterntive 'I expect she'll be on a bottle soon' and the barely concealed disgust and disapproval from some other people was so horrible. I think one of them even told my dh that it would ruin my breasts (it didn't) So I think it is reasonable to gently ask her to respect your privacy but the support should be welcomed. I think that, as people get older they start to wonder what is the point of their existence and to able to 'help' you with bf (whether you want it or not) probably makes your MIL feel useful and needed. And as you have said yourself as your baby gets bigger you will be delighted with her help.

MrsTittleMouse · 11/02/2011 11:36

I am surprised at the comments on here - going to your own bedroom and shutting the door is a very clear indicator that you would like privacy. Even though the MIL is very well intentioned, I think that the DH needs to have a quiet word.

If you'd like a good tip malachysmum, I got this from Mumsnet when I was just starting out - if you breastfeed in front of a mirror, you can see how much breast is showing and how best to cover up. I did it a few times before I first fed out and about and it gave me a lot more confidence that I wasn't showing more than I was comfortable with.

MummyBerryJuice · 11/02/2011 11:47

I'm sorry you feel like you've been flamed OP, but I think what most posters have been trying to point out it that your MIL is well intentioned, if a little inappropriate and are trying to help you with strategies to build your relationship with her.

Building a good relationship with her now could save you a lot of strife and heartache later on. Remember that she must have felt the same about your DH at 6.5 months as you do about DS. Working on a relationship with her does not mean that you need to always go against what is comfortable for you, but perhaps talking to her about your feelings around this issue will help.

roadbackhome · 11/02/2011 12:04

During the first week of breastfeeding DS1 I could only manage to get everything sorted and correct latch by taking my top off completely. This is not something I would be comfortable doing in front of any of my ILs (or most of my own family) so I get where you're coming from with wanting privacy for that OP. Now I'm quite happy feeding anywhere and everywhere but it did take a long time to get to that stage.

I still think your MIL is trying to be nice and supportive so go easy on her, but if you don't want her barging through closed doors in your house then have a gentle word before it becomes a source of resentment.

Original poster

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 12:17

Thank you CornflowerB, that's really helpful. I do want to stay on the right side of her folks and I do know she is trying very hard. I know she's going through some stuff with her own Mum and really looks forward to seeing her Grandson and really sees it as a highlight.

I think my original post was a bit of a pent up thing after she stayed last weekend.

She's spent the last 7 years asking about grandchildren and I've had my foot size questioned by my FIL, apparently something to do with child baring hips. None of their sons ever gets asked about grandchildren, only the girls.
Ok really not meaning this to sound like a rant, but I will have to have a think about how I can suggest she can be involved and have a discussion starting with "It appears we might have different boundaries, I am finding this intrusive".

OP posts:

AmandaCooper · 11/02/2011 12:31

"I am still feeling a bit shy" is probably more tactful than "I am finding (your behaviour) intrusive.

breatheslowly · 11/02/2011 12:43

OP - I am completely with you - a closed door is a way of telling someone something. She is lucky that when she intruded it was BF you were doing and not something else that you wanted privacy for as she could have had a bit of a shock (and in saying this I am not implying that it is ok for her to intrude on you BF). I would go for a stronger wording that "I am still feeling a bit shy" as she might decide that joining you and making lots of helpful comments would get you over your shyness.

Does your MIL have a DD of her own? If not then she may not have considered how you would be feeling.

Original poster

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 13:41

Breatheslowly she has 5 DS's, you are onto something there.

OP posts:

Horton · 11/02/2011 13:56

I'm also really curious as to why you don't want to watch the video.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/02/2011 15:10

I am also curious about why you didn't watch the video of your DH being BF'd. It would be a lovely thing to see surely?

breatheslowly · 11/02/2011 15:21

I don't think I would want to watch a video of DH being BF, or me being BF. And I am pretty convinced that DH would feel the same. It just seems unnecessary.

TimeWasting · 11/02/2011 16:26

More or less unnecessary than videos/photos of him doing anything as a baby?

MummyBerryJuice · 11/02/2011 16:38

I'm sorry, but would you not want to see a video of him bottle feeding?

I am finding it a little strange that you don't want to see the only pictorial record of your DH as a baby because he is being fed on it.

Cosmosis · 11/02/2011 16:38

It does sound as though this is more of a boundary issue really - you obviously come from a much more private family than your dhs and MIL hasn't twigged that you need a bit more space and privacy. She I think is trying to be supportive and helpful, but not getting the tone right with you at all, which is a shame. FWIW my MIL will get me a drink and cut up my meal for me if I'm feeding at dinner time which I think is lovely, and she is fascinated by bfing and very supportive which is great as she didn't manage to bf her children, but she would never dream of coming in to the room without knocking first, and I would be pretty pissed off if she did, so I can see why that is annoying you.

Depending on your and her relationship, or her relationship with your dh, can one of you have a quiet word along the lines of really appreciating her support, but can she respect some privacy re closed doors etc?

Original poster

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 17:29

The reason for looking at DH's baby pics is wanting to the similarities between father and son. BTW DH is not comfortable with his parents talking about BFing, especially his Dad chatting about MIL mastitis and doesn't want to watch the video either.

Wow, maybe someone should call the NSPCC now, we are clearly bonkers. ROFLOL

OP posts:

breatheslowly · 11/02/2011 17:30

MummyBerryJuice it seems really unlikely that it is the only pictorial record of her DH, just the only one they have chosen to find. How can the OP see whether her DS looks like a DH as a baby if her DH is latched on in the video? TBH babies are not at their most interesting when feeding - breast or bottle. My DD is bottle fed and we never find ourselves whipping out the camera to take a video of her having a bottle.

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