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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

MILs strange facination with BFing

82 replies

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 00:02

Hmmm, I come from a family of formula feeders and have been BFing my DS for 6.5 months. My family don't live nearby. Which is not all that exciting really.

On taking DS home the whole BFing thing just happened pretty smoothly and there hasn't been any real issues. I read what to Expect in The First Year and felt fine about the whole thing.

Hmmm...MIL felt the need to walk in on me after my first week when bedroom door was shut and my top off to say "so I can advise about breast feeding" to which she was curtly told that I was fine.
When she stayed to help, she kept walking in the bedroom when the door was closed offering cups of tea, I think I sorted that dilemma by yelling at her angrily that I am getting changed.

A couple of months later I asked to see photos of DH to compare them to DS, she couldn't locate any but PILs found video which I haven't watched because DH was being BF on it.

Last weekend she stayed and when I fed DS she was telling me what boob I last fed him from. I ignored this information.

Ok, she is weird isn't she?? But I know I may have to rely upon to look after DS when he grows up possibly and don't want to have a proper confrontation about this as it does make me feel uncomfortable talking about it and I do know her intenion is to be helpful. But FFS.

Any tips anyone, or am I just being spineless? Or similiar stories to commiserate with.

OP posts:

MoreFruitLoopthanFruitShoot · 11/02/2011 09:30

I don't think you are being rude per se, but abrupt certainly. Are you sure she isn't just wanting to watch because it makes her feel nostalgic about when your dh was the same size and he was the one who depended on her?

In a couple of decades you too will probably be a MiL. How would you want to be able to act?

Original poster

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 09:50

Wow! Feeling really flamed here and a bit hurt. Thank you to the posters who have tried to be helpful and see it from my perspective.

I think one poster knocked the nail on the head. I don't have a close relationship with my mother and I am quite private and possibly feel uncomfortable having this level of bonding forced upon me.

I guess lots of people are quite fine with MILs waltzing into closed doors in their homes. I am most definitely not.

I'm having to defend myself here but after having a long induced labour, I was enjoying having some one on one time with my little one. Sounds like I shouldn't have posted at all.

OP posts:

MoonUnitAlpha · 11/02/2011 09:56

I think she's being helpful too - you could have asked her politely to knock on your door!

What's with not wanting to see a video because your dh was being fed? Sounds like you feel a bit weird about bfing.

HMTheQueen · 11/02/2011 10:12

I think she is trying to be helpful... but coming through a closed door is rude. The Mil should accept that you have boundaries and that she is crossing them.

It's your body, and your baby. You shouldn't have to feel her encroaching on your feeding time - whether she is being helpful is neith here nor there. She's not respecting your wishes.

pinkyp · 11/02/2011 10:13

You MIL should of knoced on the door at rather than just walking in, sounds like she was trying to be helpful but i can imagine it felt like she was critising you i.e when she told you what side you fed from last must of been a bit annoying for you. Perhaps get your dh to have a word, you appriciate her help but you like to be on your own when bf ds, maybe tell a white like and say you like to nap etc so she doesnt bardge in.

You asked for other peoples opinions so i dont see why you feel "hurt" as not everyone will feel the same as you! Your the one having to live with it where as we are looking at what you told us and giving our opinion and in my opinion she's doesnt sound wierd at all, walking in with cups of tea etc. I think you've made yourself sound a but wierd to be honest, mil obv doesnt have any issues with bf but you wont watch a video because dh is being bf? wots that about?

FreudianSlippery · 11/02/2011 10:21

Sorry MM I didn't mean to upset you - just wanted you to see that your MIL only means well and you should cut her some slack. :) x

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 11/02/2011 10:30

SOunds like she just has very different standards of privacy from you, probably thinks a boob is a boob, we're all girls together, that sort of thing. Not noticing that you are toe-curlingly embarrassed!

Have you noticed before that her side of the family is less concerned about privacy generally? (does DH close the door when he's using the loo for example!? )

Original poster

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 10:36

Thanks Freudian, this is the only time I've been curt with her. I guess breast feedig is a very emotive issue for some. I just need a polite way of bringing up boundaries with her without making both of us feel uncomfortable. Because what feels right for some people doesn't feel right for others.

OP posts:

Original poster

malachysmum · 11/02/2011 10:37

Point taken Heathen, no he doesn't close the door

OP posts:

wonka · 11/02/2011 10:38

He's 6 and a half months old not a newborn surely in that time you have had some time without MIL?

pagwatch · 11/02/2011 10:41

I think it might be helpful to consider that you may well appear rude.
The posts that agree with you may feel nicer to read but are not necessarily going to help much long term.

If you are feeling overly sensitive you could be unintentionally pushing distance between you and a woman who could be a huge figure of support.

I personally did not say 'you are being rude' because I am a big old meanie. I said it because you do sound as if you are being rude and contemplating that could help you review and manage your reaction.

For example, why do you feel the need to breast feed behind closed doors? Are you feeling uncomfortable about the process and her relaxed embracing of it is why you are angry with her.

As she is keen to talk about breastfeeding why not, instead of barking at her, discuss this aspect and say simply ' I am enjoying breastfeeding and I am so pleased that you are supporting me but I still feel very shy about it. Is there any chance you could give me a bit more privacy when I feed?'
It might be more productive than shouting angrily at her.

And maybe think about why you are so tense about it. I breastfed anywhere I needed too, included tube trains, cricket grounds or at my mils sitting room

theagedparent · 11/02/2011 10:41

My Mil told me how she used top have an orgasm while breastfeeding dh as a baby, now that is weird.

theagedparent · 11/02/2011 10:41

to not top!

pagwatch · 11/02/2011 10:43

(And way too much information btw..)

wonka · 11/02/2011 10:45

LOL, not what you need/want to hear from your MIL!

IAmTheCookieMonster · 11/02/2011 10:46

maybe she is trying to make you feel like you don't need to hide away in your room to breast feed :-) Its obviously having the opposite effect, but I really think she wants to feel comfortable enough to breastfeed in your own lounge when she is there.

IAmTheCookieMonster · 11/02/2011 10:47

wants YOU to feel comfortable, obviously, lol!

ThisFeelsWeird · 11/02/2011 10:48

I am happy to feed in front of most people. The only time I retreat to my bedroom is when the PIls are over. I think my FIL has a strange interest in bfing too. I know it's just his way of showing he cares (according to DH anyway) but he does ask an awful lot of questions about "your milk" (as he insists on saying). DS is 1 now, I'm still feeding, no-one comments anymore as they're so used to it but he still says things like "So, you're obvously still producing a lot of milk". It makes my skin crawl!!!!!

DancingThroughLife · 11/02/2011 10:49

BF is one of the most emotive issues out there. I wouldn't be happy with my MIL invading my bedroom space. For that matter I wouldn't be happy with anyone except DH in our bedroom.

I know how you feel though. I was BF, DH wasn't. MIL is totally fascinated with the fact that I've made it nearly 9 months. I used to feel uncomfortable with her sitting on my shoulder while I was feeding, and sometimes her questions could have seemed like 'are you STILL feeding', but in truth she was just interested and curious about how it works. Once I got my head around that it's much easier to let it go over my head.

pagwatch · 11/02/2011 10:50

My mother also was convinced that you had to have a drink while you were feeding. I think she thought you had to top up your liquid level like a car petrol tank.

Presumeably if your liquid levels got too low one breast would deflate and conk out.

As soon as I picked one of the dcs up to feed she would go and put the kettle on. It was like a weird pavlova dog thing. I wonder if sometimes I fed the dcs so she would make me a drink......

EsioTrot · 11/02/2011 10:51

Like treacle posted I'm interested to know why you won't watch the video of your DH being breastfed?

ClenchedBottom · 11/02/2011 10:51

agedparent !!!!!!

To OP - please don't feel hurt by people's comments on this thread, but perhaps try to take from it that there are such a range of feelings about BF, so of course your MIL could have totally different feelings to you.

I wondered if maybe your MIL was sort of trying to say that you didn't need to hide yourself away to feed? Of course it's your choice if you wish to be privzte, but you do read on here about some mums feeling that they have to hide away because of what others might think.- And offering a BFing mum a drink is usually seen as thoughtful, surely? In my circle of friends/family it's always been the accepted formula (ha! no pun intended!) - then when a mum settles to BF someone potters off to make her a drink.

Try to think about it objectively - which is hard when it's such a personal subject, I do understand - and maybe think of other ways that your MIL could be helpful instead? It's sad to read you talking about it possibly building up to a 'confrontation' - greater understanding on both sides should be able to avoid this I hope.
Good luck, enjoy your gorgeous babe!

ClenchedBottom · 11/02/2011 10:52

Sorry I was slow to post and other people have said the same things much better than me - and without the bad puns.....

pagwatch · 11/02/2011 10:52

Pavlova dog?

Pavlovs dog

vintageteacups · 11/02/2011 10:54

Can you ask your dh to subtly have a word with her along the lines of

"mum, melachy'smum prefers to feed ds in private. She appreciates your support but she feels a bit shy about feeding in front of other people. So if the bedroom door is shut, it means she's on her own."

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