Breastfeeding in public - annoyed!

[nursie]

I know there is a long thread on breastfeeding in public but I thought I would start a new one as I saw something today that really annoyed me!
I am going shopping tomorrow with a friend and ds, who is 3 months old. We will likely be out for most of the day so I went onto the website for the shopping centre I am going to to find out where the Baby Changing facilites are. There are several, which is good, but I was shocked to read a note that said ' There are Breast Feeding facilites in the public toilets.' Oh great, so if I want to feed my baby I'm expected to go and sit in the toilets on my own for half an hour???
I'm fully intending on feeding ds when my friend and I have our lunch, and although I recognise that some women may not want to feed in public, the note did rather give me the impression that feeding in public is not ' the done thing'.
Can somebody reassure me that attitudes to feeding in public are gradually changing?

Dd and I both found breastfeeding difficult to do without me using both hands to support her, so we were a bit more conspicuous than I would have liked, but we managed a year of it. The only time I had an awful moment was when dd was about 6 weeks old and mum and one of her best friends decided to meet up with me and go shopping. Mum was so worried because she knew that her bf hadn't breastfed her two and felt that this lady would be embarrassed if I fed dd in front of her.
Obviously I did feed (in a coffee shop) and they studiously ignored it and me too, with only a glare of 'you could go to the mother & baby room from my mother

I am about to face this situation again in a few weeks and no doubt I will have the same pressures on me to stop bf. My entire family are firm beleivers in bottle feeding and they were all disgusted when they realised I was bf ds1 three years ago. No other mothers I knew were even contemplating bf, and I was clueless as to how and where I could feed in public, to be honest it didn't even cross my mind. I had no idea how against bf my family were until they all piled round when ds was 2 days old and my dad told me to go into another room. I did and (with my ds being a comfort feeder) I stared at my bedroom wall for two hours. Thankfully when i got back they had all left. My mum was delighted when she realised that I was becoming quite ill through a bf infection and in the end the fever, upset and pressure got too much and not seeing an alternative I gave up after two long weeks. I would like to think that i can be stronger this time but I'm awful with direct confrontation. Does anyone know how to be discreet when theres a room full of people staring at your chest and you've got to arrange a nipple sheild, a baggy top, bra and a baby? I never did find out.

As everyone here knows I am an avid B/F supporter but I know exactly where Jasper is coming from. Although it never put me off feeding, my sister didn't seem to be able to do it discretely. Her babies were very windy and she would stop mid feed to sit them up and pat their backs. Only thing was she never covered her breast up which swung about all over the place whilst she winded them. I used to think 'for Gawd's sake put it away'. Even dh was put off by it and he thought B/F was beautiful.
I fed anywhere and everywhere but you never saw anything. It's getting the balance right I think. The most important consideration is that a baby gets fed when needed.

Bekki - you make sure that you have help with positioning and attachment in the first place so that you do not need a nipple shield. One less hassle.
I remember the in laws (who were used to bottle feeding) gathering to watch the first bath at home and I felt nervous because I knew I would need to feed in front of them. I just did it and for the first few feeds in front of them, they looked directly into my eyes whenever they spoke to me My FIL became so relaxed he used to ask was it not time I gave the baby a top-up (put them back on the boob)when they were grumpy. They actually became great B/F supporters - they just didn't know enough about it initially.
Hopefully you will get feeding established better next time round and will have more confidence.

Oh Mears I tried every weird and wonderful position, until my arms ached and I cried. My ds was and still is a comfort feeder and I only had a small nipple for him to latch on to as I was heavily engorged from day 2 until a week after I stopped. I hope my milk comes in a little more gently this time. My midwife has retired! I'm delighted, perhaps now I can get some sensible advice from someone who has at least an ounce of empathy. It is difficult trying to learn to breastfeed when everyone is staring at you, but I suppose that could be implied to raising children in general.

Bekki, you're right, it's difficult to learn to breastfeed with lots of onlookers, and it must be harder if the onlookers are anti-bf. I certainly found I needed to have as few distractions around me as possible in the early days. And then I got mastitis, which really threw me off balance for a while - I guess she was about six weeks old before it became 'easy'.

You can buy breastfeeding tops with a flap that you lift, which are supposed to be more discreet. I got used to wearing a baggy t-shirt before I got around to getting a bf top though, so I can't tell you how effective they are.

Best wishes.

bekki

i found some information on the nct website which you may find helpful. it's some dos and donts for supporting women who are bf - here .

perhaps you could show this to members of your family before the event, a bit less confrontational?

there are also links to the facts and figure of why breast is best - so they may be interested in those too.

if your dh is on-side, maybe he could be the one to do the confrontations, if you are too shy? e.g. tell members of the family to keep their opinions to themselves - in the most diplomatic way possible of course, at least at first.

otherwise, perhaps you could ask members of your family to leave the room themselves if they have a problem or just say "it's like footie, if you don't want to know the score, look away now..."

in terms of support for yourself, i can recommend the nct bf helpline (number in the link above). they are very helpful and may even be able to get a local bf counsellor to come and visit you and give advice.

i also recommend a book called Bestfeeding . It's a little bit hokey but has loads of pictures so you can check the latch and positioning easily.

hth - and i really hope things are better for you next time.

ps - if you prefer some peace and quiet when your bf or your baby is easily distracted, then imo, there's nothing wrong with retreating to the bedroom or feeding room, but you shouldn't be forced into it by the ignorant attitude of others.

your specific question on how to be discreet - practice! in the early days, i used to prefer to hike my top right up (at home) so i could get a good look at the latch, check the position etc. what you might find easier is to get the baby latched on in private, asking your parents to leave the room, and then when he is settled, you can readjust you clothing, put a muslin square over your shoulder etc, and they can come back in at that point when there will be nothing on display except a happy bf mum and baby! don't worry, with practice you won't need to go to such lengths.

Tshirts are better than those feeding shirts from my experience.

My general rule was that in my house, I fed where and how I wanted, out in "public" I fed however I felt most comfortable - generally discretely or (with DS1) in private and in someone elses home I considered their feelings.

Bekki, I would say that you never got the chance to get past the "cack handed" breastfeeding It does get easier than the experience you described and sceptical relatives soon get used to the fact that this IS how you are going to feed your baby. I agree with BK - get them used to the idea now and say that you'd be grateful if they would accept your choice, if not support it. Good luck! At least you'll get lots of Mumsnet support

Sorry - comtroversial...I really cant see the need to breast feed over about one - the child can hold a cup! I wouldnt give it abottle at that age either!would you put your kid in a buggy if it could walk?

I'm not one for flashing my body but when it comes to feeding a child (the most natural thing in the world) i have breastfed whenever and wherever necessary - yet to have any complaints! There are so few places to feed that you have to resort to park benches etc plus it means my eldest can have a play without having to sit and wait in some mother and toddler feeding room.

Of course, nobody should ever feel they have to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable or embarassed. And I also agree that I have never seen anyone breastfeeding in a way that I found offensive. It is being 'told' to be discreet when breastfeeding that p*s me off. If YOU prefer to go elsewhere or wear a shawl or anything, of course that's 100% fine. But the idea of anyone else - particualarly a man - telling breastfeeding a woman to go elsewhere or cover herself up, well, I'm afraid that makes me see red. Bekki, I really hope that you either get more support from your family this time, or simply tell them that you are breastfeeding ds and that they can stay away if they prefer. Fools!
You know, some people (NOT anyone on Mumsnet, of course) think that disabled children are embarassing and shouldn't be seen in public. That's not a reason to take any notice of their stupid, ignorant views, though. Same goes for breastfeeding IMO.
BTW, I knew there was a good reason for John Lewis being my favourite shop. I felt like cheering when I read that post.

Way to go aloha. Can only second your comments - namely, if you are shy about bf then be as discreet as you need to be, if you are not then wop them out whenever, and wherever, the need arises. When I first started bf ds I too was nervous about doing so in public - but it didn't take long to lose any inhibitions. Faced with the choice between a screaming child or the fact that someone might see a quick flash of boob I quickly discovered that a quick flash was far less embarassing than the disapproving looks you get for not being able to shut your child up! I do also feel that if women are continually made to feel that bf is something that should only be done "in private" then far fewer women are likely to stick with it. Those first few weeks of trying to get your baby to latch on properly are hard enough without having to worry that you might offend with a quick eyeful. The more women who do feed in public the more commonplace it will become. So tits out for the babies - conspicuous consumption is the only way forward!

"Tits out for the babes" should be a Tshirt slogan.

Oh, in case you're interested, you're "not allowed" to breastfeed in Next. Or at least in one particular South London branch anyway.

Ooh, which one? Sounds like a complaint to head office is in order - grrr!!

I haven't read every bit of this thread so apologies if I repeat anyone. I have fed both my children publicly and am fortunate to have had no bad experiences. I refuse to go and sit in Mothers Rooms (usually a chair in a stinky changing area) when I can sit with my family and/or friends in a cafe having my lunch/coffee etc, why should I? I was a little more nervous when DS1 was born but this time round with DS2 I have taken the attitude that if someone is at my house and they don't like me feeding my baby then they can leave, I don't go and sit in bedrooms I think it is important to make this clear from the start, my Dad's attitude to me b/feeding has really changed with DS1 he spoke to me from behind his newspaper if I was feeding but now he has even been known to come up and pat DS2 on the head while he has been having a feed. I think some of it is better understanding he is a bit less embarrassed this time and we have spoken at length about the benefits of b/feeding to mother and baby, although I think he is starting to think it is time to give up (DS2 almost 14 months).

Basically IMO if we don't feed our babies in public we are letting other women down, how much more daunting must it be for a woman to make the decision to b/feed when she is worried about how she will feed when she is out etc. We have a responsibility to show that b/feeding is normal, natural and can be done without showing the world your boobs.

Codswallop, I think I am missing your point, do you mean it is not necessary to b/feed over one year at all or do you mean it is not necessary to b/feed a child over one when out and about?

I am afraid I do not have such a positive story about John Lewis, although it is a story that goes back to 1999 so hopefully they have improved. I heard via the b/feeding support group I attended with DS1 in 1999 that a woman was in John Lewis in Edinburgh and b/fed her baby in the cafe whilst having her lunch, a customer complained and the woman was moved to the Mother & Baby room, this woman was a member of the NCT and reported the incident to them, they then arranged for a group of about 30 b/feeding mothers to go to the JL cafe on a busy Saturday order a coffee etc and begin b/feeding, needless to say JL got the point.

I suppose I kind of mean both. I have no problem, with anyone feeding whenever but personally I dont feel the need to feed them when they are eating food and drinking out of a cup.

I feed everywhere but never so you can see anything - I am a little paranoid about my knockers.

Aloha, it was Croydon. SB34 has the full story as she was there. If I were still bf I'd be tempted to pop long and whip 'em out. Discretely of course so no one would know what I was doing...

go on what did they/you do?

soupy....

Message withdrawn

Re the over 12mths aspect, I believe the latest WHO recommendations are that bfing until at least 2yrs is beneficial, so surely we should be encouraging it in the over-one's. What happens on a baby's first birthday that makes bfing in public unacceptable? Also, bfing isn't just about getting nutrition into a child, there are the aspects of comfort for a baby and the mother.

There was a woman bfing in M&S today and I mentioned this topic to DH (who is way past 40, Dadslib!). He was astonished that people are still talking about the acceptabilty or otherwise of bfing in public, because as far as he knew it's a non-subject. You have hungry baby, you feed it, end of story. At least, that's what we did with the three babies I bfed, and no one has ever said anything, even way back in the dim, dark 1970's.