Boarding Prep Recommendations

[Intoand]

Due to various reasons relating to family and work it looks like we’re going to need to consider a boarding prep school for our children DS 10 and DD 8 likely for next year. It’s not an ideal situation but would like them to have a stable environment while things are changing.

I boarded during my secondary school years but not in prep so unfamiliar with what to consider. We will probably need a school that offers full time boarding but would possibly like them to weekly board when time allows. Children are currently at single sex schools which I like but I’m also open to coed.

From a little bit of online research what I’ve gathered is schools Cottesmore, Sandroyd, Dragon School, and Windlesham house seem to have a good amount of prep boarders but not sure how accurate this is. There also seems to be quite a few more all boys boarding prep like Ludgrove compared to all girls boarding preps (did find the all girls boarding school Hanford though and it looked lovely). Any recommendations or experience?

I've come to this thread a bit late, however I would suggest a visit to Felsted, has boarding for Prep age and then the senior school for later.

Where’s the crying with laughter emoji @TotalOverhaul

You are harshly judging parents for sending their children to boarding school, while at the same time recommending instead (surely not with a straight face) hiring a tag team of nannies to whom parenting can be outsourced.

Boarding school can and does provide continuity, stability and seeing parents when possible. It also provides companionship with kids of the same age, and also trained and qualified (unlike most nannies) pastoral and academic staff to keep them usefully occupied and sort out any issues.

Because home is better than school when you’re 9. A nanny is better than a matron. One to one attention is better than being herded round in a pack and kept busy so you don’t have time to be sad. The ability to leave your friends at school and have some space is better.

That is a whole lot of sweeping statements and assumptions @LittleBearPad. Nine year olds are not toddlers: they have outgrown nannies. And I have seen many children in the “care” of nannies and nanny-housekeepers who are effectively babysitters - they get escorted home from school (usually in near silence), and once home, the TV is turned on and some supper put down in front of them. No child is fooled by parents who spin that as quality one to one attention.

Whereas many children say that they love boarding school and feel just as at home there as they do in their other home (or homes). They are with their mates, they have a lot of fun and a bit of independence, and they are well looked after by adults who understand kids of that age.

I'll always harshly judge any parent who sends their 9 year old child to board. It's just not right. It could quite honestly mess up your child for life. There MUST be a better option.

With the greatest respect to posters who disapprove of boarding schools, this forum was specifically set up for people who do use boarding schools to speak together, ask for advice and generally support each other.

If a parent starts a discussion on the AIBU forum with "I want to put my DCs in boarding school: Am I being unreasonable?" then it is absolutely fair to provide all the criticism you have inside you.

However, where a safe space to discuss these issues has been provided on Mumsnet, I think it is a little disrespectful to invade that space when you know that you have nothing to add with respect to the specific question posed, just a general tone of negativity and judgement.

It's the online equivalent of the annoying person on the next table in the pub who keeps butting into your conversation with their opinions. I'm not saying your opinions aren't valid, just that they were not invited.

And I know you will come back by saying that if we don't want to hear your negativity then we shouldn't post questions online, but we really thought this was a space where we could do that within a supportive community. If you don't like boarding, please, stay off the boarding forum, allow your own blood pressure to come down, and allow us to talk to those in our community.

It's an open forum, so just scroll by those views you don't like.

There will be some (like a family member of mine) unaware of research carried out that highlights downsides. Surely you'd want your community to be educated in the benefits and drawbacks.

Nine year olds haven’t outgrown nannies. Don’t be ludicrous. You can’t leave them home alone for one thing and they are very much young children who need attention and care from individuals, not an institution.

As for this is meant to be safe space - think about what that means. Things that are perfectly fine don’t need safe spaces.

You have a very bleak assumption of what home life is like in comparison to boarding. How is the care of a reliable, good nanny devoted exclusively to one family's children in the familiar surrounding of their own home less continuity than a series of staff who have responsibility for many other children?

Not sure how having nannies is 'outsourcing parenting.' Parents come home from work most of the time. Children will see far more of them, in a normal, loving family set up than if they are away at school. The parent will be in daily contact with the nanny to know if there are any issues.

Academic staff to keep them 'usefully occupied' will be around at school and after school clubs. They aren't needed 24/7.

Your notion of a silent nanny and all day TV is bafflingly unlike any happy home life I know of.

Exactly. I absolutely loved my nanny. She was warm and wonderful and like a grandmother to me. She has long passed away, but I still think of her and what a lovely woman she was. My daughter also had a lovely nanny who lived with us. My daughter is a teenager now but still keeps in touch with her.

Being at home among your own things, being able to unwind after school and (shock horror) even watch TV on the sofa is infinitely better than being in a cold institution with usually strict rules and staff who may or may not be nice and sometimes being bullied and not being able to escape any friendship issues that kids so often have. All the activities are designed to keep kids occupied to forget that they are homesick.

Watch this documentary about a lovely boarding prep where staff are friendly and all the parents think they are doing right by their kids:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d6vfjWBT45o It's called "What's Life Like in a Private British Boarding School? | Leaving Home at 8 Years Old" on YouTube.

You just want to scream at those parents "Take your kid back home!!" There was a similar (promotional) documentary about Sunningdale created by the school called "Britain's Youngest Boarders" but it was taken down, as clearly the school realised it's heartbreaking rather than good PR to watch 8-year-olds being abandoned.

Completely agree

yes, this ⬆️

There was a similar (promotional) documentary about Sunningdale created by the school called "Britain's Youngest Boarders" but it was taken down, as clearly the school realised it's heartbreaking rather than good PR to watch 8-year-olds being abandoned.

Britain's Youngest Boarders was produced by the BBC and shown on BBC2. It was taken off BBC iPlayer and YouTube after one of the boys featured in the documentary died in 2020 aged 19.

There were regular boarding school documentaries on TV until the early 2010s but nothing since then. Presumably the schools realised the documentaries were more damaging than promotional and now just produce their own videos for the web so they can have complete control over what's shown.

@XelaM - I saw that documentary about Sunningdale. It was clearly a good school. Such caring staff, a lovely Head, a gentle, kind atmosphere, and the children still felt traumatised at being wrenched from their families at such a young age. It just isn't it their best interests.

@tachetastic - some of us have no quarrel with boarding schools for adolescents. But 8 is so young and perhaps the OP isn't aware of the overwhelming evidence that young boarders suffer, however good the school.

MN's strength is that it isn't an echo chamber. People will pile in to say, 'But have you considered X as well as Y? Are you aware of emerging research?' Doesn't mean OP has to agree or change her mind, but at least she is armed with more knowledge before deciding. The posts are well-meaning not bitchy and have the OP's child's best interests at heart.

Wow, I didn’t realise one of the boys featured died so young- I haven’t seen anything about it online. That’s horrible.

You’re right that it was a BBC documentary though and as @TotalOverhaul said it seemed like a lovely school, but the boys were still homesick 😞just like in the other documentary that I posted above- it’s also a lovely school with nice staff but the kids absolutely break your heart. It’s definitely not better for 8-year-olds to board.

@TotalOverhaul : MN's strength is that it isn't an echo chamber. People will pile in to say, 'But have you considered X as well as Y? Are you aware of emerging research?'

With all respect, that is not the tone in which many people make their comments. I am happy to have recent peer reviewed research highlighted. However it is tiring to be repeatedly abused and insulted as a parent.

Our kids (now 10 and 12) are at a prep that does Flexi boarding. They both love to board 1-2 nights a week and regard it as a sleep over. We would all feel very different about full boarding..
Looking a senior schools our eldest has done a couple of taster days and nights which have been illuminating.. these are schools which offer day and full boarding options.. firstly they exagerate how many UK boarders they have, how many there are at the weekend etc., and secondly boredom is a big thing and they are mostly on their phones for hours at a time. I know the brochures and house parents tell a different story but this is what the taster nights have revealed.. she just did a taster day and night at a big school with over 500 senior boarders and in the entire evening spent over 3 hours in her dorm on a phone - no evening activity.. and her buddy told her the weekends are the same.. relaxing in the dorm with your phone 😵‍💫. It's not what we expected for the money.. also vaping is a big thing..
We wanted our kids to go to the same school but sadly that hasn't worked out.. one child will be a day pupil somewhere and the other will weekly board Monday - Friday. Any more than this would be too much for us as a family.
As for a nanny we still see ours occasionally and both kids love her. One family we know still have their nanny and their youngest child is 12.
I'd totally favour the nanny plan over full boarding.
I totally understand families have constraints.. we are very rural which makes education difficult but I'd really urge you to think again about full boarding. After what we have seen and heard I'd say it's your last resort.
I hope this helps x

DH boarded from 8. Just, don't.
His parents are lovely people, but they have very different priorities to us. That gap will never be closed 🤷‍♀️

I know someone who works in a boarding school. There is no way on God's earth that she is able to deal with the complexities of a group of young people that she is left in sole charge of at night. I have heard her give dreadful advice to someone who was struggling. The story of the Wycombe Abbey girl haunts me.

It wouldn't suit my children (both homebodies), but a work colleague's children enjoyed Packwood Haugh prep in Shropshire. They boarded from the age of 9.

Our son is just in his final year at Aldro. He loves it, and has honestly been the making of him. He has boarded part time since year 3, but there are full time boys and girls in all the years and lots of part time boarders.

It’s a very academic school, but also has a philosophy of everyone doing everything: sports, drama, music etc. the drama and music are constantly amazing me, but it’s not all geniuses by any means. The choir, art and drama are very strong with boys, no gender biases there.

This is partly because until two years ago it was all boys. It’s definitely a “robust” school culture and I think girls who are sporty and assertive do extremely well, but that is worth bearing in mind. On the up side I see lots of boy-girl friendships without the “boyfriend-girlfriend” vibe which is a very healthy way to interact as you become a teen. On sports day the girls often compete against (and win vs.) the boys.

My brothers full boarded from 7 and 8 and I (the girl) weekly boarded from 11 and full boarded from 12.
I am trying to think how to describe it to you. So the reason why the children are not home sick is because you (the child) shut yourself off from those feelings - you have to to survive. So there is home you / school you and you never allow yourself to think about the other - school you thinks only of school, never, ever of home. It won’t help so there is no point, and you have to survive and continue where you are.
All 3 of us have experienced anxiety & depression as adults. 2 of us were divorced young. We are all brilliant in a crisis - since we are all able to shut off feelings. Partners may not find that easy!
People often comment how independent I am at work - that I just ‘get on with it’, ‘problem solve’, ‘never make a fuss’. So those are all things I learnt at boarding school! Friends at work say I never ask for help - there was no one to ask - a lesson we learnt young - that we needed to solve our own problems.
if you were to have asked me if I liked boarding I would have said yes - it was all I knew and as far as I knew I didn’t have a choice - to be fair it was the 80’s and giving children choices was yet to be a thing! It never occurred to me that my stomach should not drop to my feet when my Dad turned into school after the holidays.
I would never, ever send any of my children to boarding school. They / you are so vulnerable as children without the ability to truly care/keep yourself safe. None of my friends who boarded with me have sent their children.

On the up side I see lots of boy-girl friendships without the “boyfriend-girlfriend” vibe which is a very healthy way to interact as you become a teen.

What does that have to do with boarding school? It's the same in any mixed day school. My daughter is friends with boys in her year and none of them she calls her boyfriend.

So many people use that expression 'the making of him' whilst little Jonnie represses feelings, develops OCD and divorces at 25.