Boarding Prep Recommendations

[Intoand]

Due to various reasons relating to family and work it looks like we’re going to need to consider a boarding prep school for our children DS 10 and DD 8 likely for next year. It’s not an ideal situation but would like them to have a stable environment while things are changing.

I boarded during my secondary school years but not in prep so unfamiliar with what to consider. We will probably need a school that offers full time boarding but would possibly like them to weekly board when time allows. Children are currently at single sex schools which I like but I’m also open to coed.

From a little bit of online research what I’ve gathered is schools Cottesmore, Sandroyd, Dragon School, and Windlesham house seem to have a good amount of prep boarders but not sure how accurate this is. There also seems to be quite a few more all boys boarding prep like Ludgrove compared to all girls boarding preps (did find the all girls boarding school Hanford though and it looked lovely). Any recommendations or experience?

My DS boarded at age 10 at Port Regis (14 years ago now). It was surprising difficult even then to find a boarding school where the boarders didn't scurry away home every weekend. We're overseas and we really needed a school that had plenty of activities for the children at the weekend and at that time, Port Regis had these.

As a 10 year old child, DS was very confident, mature for his age and outgoing, and loved boarding from the start. His elder brother (my DSS - I had no input in this decision), who boarded at age 13 was none of those things, and hated it. Fortunately after half a term his DF (my DH) and his DM agreed to day school instead. If your DC have an inkling that boarding at prep school is about convenience/necessity for you, then you're not starting on the right foot. If you go ahead with this, please consider their characters and whether they're really ready for it.

Don't underestimate your ability to be any kind of parent to your DC, even if you're super busy at work/extensive family commitments etc. We have a fantastic family relationship with DS (& DSS) and they've grown up well. It's just me that looks back and misses the time I could have had with a 10 year old DS.

Another one who recommends looking in depth at the nanny option.

The things to look for are a) the number and % of boarders in an age group. What you don’t want is 95% day and 5% boarding (which the Dragon is at that age, for example). And b) how many go home at weekends. Some schools only offer weekday boarding these days (eg Lambrook, St Hugh’s). In general, the closer to London you get, the more likely you are to get low full boarding numbers.

I don’t know where you are based/region you are looking in but for boys, Ludgrove (Berks) and Cothill (Oxon) have good boarding numbers throughout the school and don’t empty out every weekend, partly because they have a lot of army officers’ kids. As others have said, Godstowe and Hanford for girls are similar.

The concept of under 11s boarding is very emotive on MN. Some people have had bad experiences (or their partners have had). Others have very positive experiences. Whatever anyone might say, there really is no blanket right or wrong answer so don’t let anyone judge you for considering it. Boarding schools today are not what they were in the 1960s/70s/80s. Many ten year olds would rather be at school with their mates and loads of fun things to do than be at home alone in front of the TV or iPad with a nanny-housekeeper or childminder. Others wouldn’t. You need to go and have a look at a few of the proper boarding schools and make up your mind for yourself, based on your own kids and circumstances.

Thank you again everyone for the replies!
In regards to concerns I do think boarding would suit both of them in the long run. DS is very confident and think he would thrive at a bigger school with more outdoor space as he gets older. DD is slightly younger so a little less sure honestly but I think in a year and at a good school she’ll do great.

Brilliant sweeping under the carpet that it will all be ok on the long run and that you’re going to go ahead anyway even though neither is ready right now.

it will be too late when they have had a bad start! The emotional damage will be done when you then leave them there for good.

Stamford takes from 7, mostly military families I think, or at least it used to be.

If you have space at home you could hire a full time nanny and a couple of au pairs to support her so she gets time off.

If you get to the point of needing to hire and house three employees to look after your children because you don’t have time to do it yourself, I think you have to ask yourself some serious questions.

And one of them is, is this really better for kids than going to a good boarding school where they are kept busy, have great role models and lots of friends their own age.

I used to know a couple of families who had teams of nannies, and I’m not so sure the answer is yes.

@YukoandHiro
Please explain why a full time round the clock nanny (and let’s not kid ourselves, most nannies have no formal training or qualifications except maybe first aid if you are lucky) is a much better choice than a boarding school for an 11 year old boy?

A full time nanny is NOT a substitute for a loving attentive parent.

There are plenty of loving attentive parents whose kids attend boarding school.

There are plenty of neglectful parents whose kids are outsourced to nannies.

And vice versa.

I find these threads incredibly upsetting. I wonder what the reaction would be if working-class parents were shipping off their eight-year old children to institutions to be raised by strangers?

My three siblings and I were sent to boarding school (we range from early twenties to early thirties), albeit from the age of 13. Only one of us emerged without emotional scars. Two of my siblings have mental health issues caused by parental abandonment (let's call a spade a spade).

It was absolutely traumatising being dumped in a strange environment and I was 13, I cant imagine how I would have reacted at eight.

With all the rules and lack of privacy and self-determination, it is effectively an institution for children not a "home away from home" or whatever BS the school and parents spout.

My father bulldozed my mother (who wasn't in favour and deeply regrets sending us) and ignored all of our worries and copious tears about being sent away. He said he knew what was best for us and we would be fine. Spoiler, we weren't and our relationship with him remains poor in adulthood. I fear OP is a similar parent.

No stranger is going to love or care for your children like a loving parent would, so don't delude yourself about that.

My cousins were sent at similar ages to your two and whilst they are professionally very successful, they are the most messed up people I know.

Having experienced it first-hand, I could never, ever send my children.

Of course a live-in nanny is better than an institution! The children are still in their own home, go to their usual school, have the same friends and may even see their parents at some point (shock horror). A boarding school is basically an orphanage with fancy facilities and marketing. Kids have no privacy, strict rules and can never get away.

@XelaM let’s break down what you have said:

1. “usual school” and “usual friends” are meaningless concepts - your usual school is whatever school you go to. If you pick the right school your kid will make friends there, and actually, if boarding, will have the opportunity to spend much better quality time with them than a day school which pulls children from all over a county or city, where the kids spend up an hour or two a day commuting and don’t live near their best friends.
   It is disingenuous to suggest kids stay at the same school for ever and it’s cruel to ever move them - “all through” 3-18 schools are super rare.

2. “may even see their parents” - glad you brought that up. Let’s be honest, day school children whose parents have big jobs and/or who travel a lot can go days without meaningful contact: instead parked with nannies when they aren’t at school. They often don’t know when their mum or dad is next going to be around, or for how long. Maybe they might show up fifteen minutes before bedtime, or for the last half of the school play, maybe they won’t. In contrast, kids at boarding school tend to have a lot of certainty and consistency about when they see their parents, and the quality of the time is much better. It helps a lot that homework/prep is done at school, so time at home isn’t spoiled with nagging and rows.

3. an ”orphanage” - what rubbish. The kids have their own parents or guardians who see them all the time for concerts, matches, plays, weekends, exeats and the very long holidays AND have a team of staff who are not only very committed teachers but also excellent on the pastoral side. Brocklehurst or Bumble they are not. And if by “strict rules” you mean they stop pupils from going out late at night or staying up til the early hours gaming, then that is only a good thing - another reason why boarding is better for many kids.

This is something that parents tell themselves to deflect from the fact that they're sending their kids away from home and have zero control over how they are being raised (day-to-day).

No one is going to cuddle and feel sorry for your kid or let them stay up late to watch a movie or anything normal like that. Instead kids are kept busy to make sure they don't remember that their parents sent them away and prefer to only see them in the holidays.

I know several adults who went to boarding school and would never inflict it on their own kids.

Handcross Park has fantastic facilities.

This is so true @XelaM I couldn't agree more. I am a parent who sent their son to boarding prep and then onto a boys boarding school.

I am deeply ashamed of my decision ( and myself). I wish parents would stop doing this and we could see an end to these toxic places.

Why are we still talking doing this to our children.

We were at a zoo recently and windlesham house were there on a school trip. I’d guess year 6? The staff seemed great and the children were just like any other yr6 group - lots of play, lots of fun etc. I’ve seen other schools where children have been expected to walk round silently but this seemed very relaxed.

Queen Ethelburga's take boarders from 6 or 7. I 100% do not recommend it as a school but there were always girls so I'm surprised by the amount of comments about few girls boarding. Personally I wouldn't send my 8 and 10 year olds to board but obviously circumstances change or parents work in the military and need a stable environment

I would also wholeheartedly recommend that you consider Hazlegrove, though that may be too far west for you. It is a great school with a good number of prep full boarders.

I thought the OP was asking for recommendations for boarding preps.

DD went to Hanford (in Dorset, close to the others you mention) and loved it, and I can't recommend it enough. (I also went there, but not recently!) There are a lot of Hanford girls with brothers at Sandroyd.

Yes but there are other better options than sending an 8 year old to boarding school.

No it doesn’t - only boards from 8.

OP is looking from age 8, so this is still good, but I would encourage OP to check the number of boarders and also the number that stay in at weekend. It is rubbish for a child of that age to be only boarder in their year or the only one in at a weekend.

Don't forget they have longer holidays than normal schools and regular weekends at home.
A live in nanny would be easier.

Bilton Grange Preparatory School Rugby has boarding school places.

If you do put younger kids in boarding, do keep in mind the distance from home. If you're based overseas then this is not necessarily relevant, but I try to attend all of DS's matches, which take place pretty much every Wednesday and Saturday.