In search of a suitable British boarding school

[gorgiasencomium]

My spouse - an American - and myself - a Belgian - have two children; a son who is 9 years old and a daughter who is 7. We live in Seattle, where our children attend a bilingual primary schools (French-English). Furthermore, our children master the Russian language quite well, as they have a Russian nanny.Personally, I wish to send them to a British boarding school, as I do not find the curriculum of American schools stimulating enough - there are, of course, some excellent boarding schools on the East Coast - and I refuse to have "all-American" children. Also, I was lucky enough to spend my secondary studies at a Dutch-speaking Jesuit college in Belgium - not a boarding school - , where intellectual stimulation was held in very high regard. But not enough in my eyes. That was due to the fact that our school, like almost all schools in Belgium, depended on the State's educational plans. Our school sometimes had problems with the administration, which felt that the curriculum was too advanced. One of the criticisms was, ridiculously, that we studied too much French literature and instead of debates, we should be practising short and everyday dialogues. So I would wish my children to be pushed to their limits on an intellectual level; I don't want them to be bored, as I was sometimes bored at school.Right now, we are looking at the options for our son. He is, though I say so myself, rather intelligent and curious. I remember that two years ago, he was reading a comic book from my childhood and read the following sentence, "Action, reaction." He asked me for an explanation, since he was not sure if he understood the meaning of it completely. I told him about Newton's laws and he got very excited. That whole evening he was trying to find examples/applications of those laws. Two things that intrigued him a lot recently: Fibonacci's row and the Battle of Stalingrad.He is also sporty; he swims, plays tennis and enjoys hiking and skiing in the mountains. He likes debating, but does not cope very well with losing an argument. Hopefully, this will paint a clear picture of what our expectations are and what kind of boy our son is.In our search for schools, we made the following list - for the moment:- Winchester College: In my career, I have met people who went to school there and seemed to have a fond memory of their time there. However, I have heard/read that the school is undergoing major change. The fact that girls are being integrated into the school does not really bother me, though of course it would be unfortunate if the school lost its identity as a result. Rather, what bothers me about the whole thing is the way the school has implemented this change, namely without discussion and as "un fait accompli". I also read about the fact that wokism is, apparently, taking an increasingly important role at the school. I fear that, despite my rather young age, I am a bit too old-fashioned there and consequently do not really find such an education desirable for my son. But of course, I don't know to what extent this is true.... Furthermore, I wondered what kind of students one finds there. Do they come from ordinary families or from very rich families, as is the case at Eton?

• Eton College: The school with quite a reputation, but not necessarily the most positive one. That children do come well-off and privileged families does not bother me, but arrogance and ingratitude I do not consider, arrogance and ingratitude, as being enviable values. That's a bit of an image we have of Eton, but again, I don't know to what extent this is accurate.

• Tonbrigde School: Students there are said to be more athletic and less intellectual than at Winchester, yet do they score better than Winchester as far as A-levels are concerned? Again, what kind of students does one find here?

• Sevenoaks/Marlborough: Given that our son is not British, they might be a good fit for our son because of their international nature.

• St. Paul's/Westminster: Given the small number of students boarding there, we don't think this is the appropriate choice.

You might wonder why I ask so much about the pupils' origins. This is because of my own experience at my high school: the students came from the rich and/or aristocratic families of my country. Many of their parents I knew through my parents, but I found that they, the children but also the parents, were often very disrespectful, condescending and arrogant.
Additionally, and this is something very Belgian or even linked to Brussels, the majority at this Dutch-speaking school were French-speaking. You had to choose your camp, which I found difficult as a bilingual who had grown up in both of these worlds. I always say that my school in itself was great, the students not so much. Such atmosphere, is not what I wish for my children.

Thanks in advance for any comments/suggestions.

Assuming this post is true, bearing in mind you are overseas you really want a full boarding school and you will still need to appoint guardians.

My DC is at one of the schools you mention and I still go up at least once a week for fixtures etc. But there are actually very few international students.

Last post = def windup

I was married to a man for 17 years who went to boarding school! Boarding school syndrome is real believe me! Each to their own but I wouldn't send my kids to a boarding school!

OP ask to move your thread to the boarding school section.

Eton now has plenty of normal boys on bursaries and quite a lot of professional families (lawyers, bankers, actuaries, tech etc) Still some Aristos. Suits an emotionally robust go getter most who thrives on challenge/new experiences. Some of the extra curricular is truly outstanding. Great rowing opportunities, for example. I would not send a kid there though who is not the type to want to strive and has to shine for their own confidence. Because there are a lot of talented kids there and even a talented kid may feel average there.

Winchester is nice but a much more bookish/nerdy school- they still have homework on Saturday night. Both schools still have a chapel obligation on Sunday morning. Sevenoaks is very modern and secular- no chapel. It has a very different more liberal vibe- you will see it in things like the uniform. They only do IB so great for US unis, for example: they don’t have chapel or rowing, for example. Kids there will have more fun arguably than at somewhere like Winchester, Winchester if you really do want a proper academic atmosphere/no rich kid showing off vibe is a good bet. However, you just go and have a look.
Wellington College does well too and does both IB and A level. Oundle, Charterhouse, Brighton College - there are a lot of these schools now.

where will your DS go to university ideally? Maybe better to work back from there.

we have friends and family in all the schools you mention, everyone is happy and not super super rich. Well off professionals who have worked hard and mostly quite international too.

I know people from 3 different generations (different families) who have been very badly affected by going to Boarding School

Most boarding schools will require you to have a nominated guardian who is resident in the UK for just those eventualities - exits, hospital stays etc.

Don’t put your kids in a kennel

Pastoral care isn’t non existent at any of these schools, and neither do most people who board end up with boarding school syndrome, so you can ignore the posters who are simply very anti boarding school if that’s not your view.

But it is simply not normal, these days, to send a child to another continent to go to school. Parents from China sometimes do do it because they want a kind of education they cannot get at home.

But the US has plenty of trad East coast prep schools that are not so far from uk public schools. Send them to one of them till they are 16, so you can see them on exeat weekends. Then if they are up for coming to the UK at 16 for 6th form then fair enough.

The idea that boarding school is a fire and forget experience is very odd these days. Parents visit the school regularly for matches and events and the kids come home for weekends.

I think boarding school can be great for teens but what you are suggesting is far far too much at 13. I think you really need to examine your thinking here. It is really odd.

@gorgiasencomium You have chosen your shortlist really well, which tells me you have done your research - at least these are exactly the same schools that we were after at the time, several years ago!
You mention a few things:

• “Russian nanny” - however horrible the current affairs are, Russian literature will enrich the soul of any boy. Worth to check which schools offer this not only as a language, but as a literature/cultural experience.
• “Jesuit college in Belgium - not a boarding school - , where intellectual stimulation was held in very high regard. But not enough in my eyes” - I wasn’t sure when my kids were younger, but the more they grown the more ‘intellectual likeness’ you will discover. This alone will make only one of the schools on your list the one for you, and I think you know which one already…
• Winchester College and the fait accompli - don’t think they had a choice really. My boarding school in the 1990’s followed the same strategy, and it was very successful. In fact I think it is healthy that a school keeps some distance from parental/benefactor influence, this is the other side of the same coin.
• “Wokism” - I am just as worried as you are, but to be fair it is a bit woke everywhere these days…
• Eton - visit the school as many times as possible. Do you feel the presence of friendly rivalry and camaraderie, or rather ruthless competitiveness? Consider the single rooms- like a hotel room. Is it what you are looking for?
• Tonbrigde School - it is more of a STEM school than Eton, which is more humanities oriented. Wincoll and Sevenoaks are more balanced. It is also more weekly than full boarding, may not be ideal for you.
• Sevenoaks - more media types, money is very apparent when you walk the school, and so is the widespread use of screens. If you are worried about wokism, well Sevenoaks is a champion in that field. But as I said, it is a bit woke everywhere these days.
• Marlborough - super posh, very sporty, but not as intellectually stimulating as the others on this list. Is it what you are looking for?
• Kindness - you should go and visit the schools, and get in touch with the boys when not in an official capacity. Stop them on their ways, and ask them where the library is. Join a sports game, and see how they behave. We have done the same, and it was very apparent….

One more thing.. there is a fair amount of vindictiveness on the portal due to the recent introduction of girls to some boarding schools. Glance over. I am fairly certain you will end up where we did a few years ago.

Greetings from the Benelux and good luck with your search!

Also, Eton doesn't have any ordinary families

It’s surely poor form to come onto a thread and give patently incorrect advice …

To reiterate, the school in question has a hugely well established bursary policy which means that at least 20% of boys are in receipt of some level of means tested bursary - a proportion of them receive 100% bursaries for the five years they are at the school. The important thing about those families is that they understood the application process and had the organisational skills to meet deadlines and supply the necessary paperwork …

But I don’t think I want to get into the substantive question of the thread.

The list of schools which are genuinely full boarding, and which are therefore suitable for international boarders with no family close by is decreasing pretty rapidly. There’s a trend among British families to keep the dc closer to home, facilitating more home weekends and schools are increasingly flexible around this. It is a topic of debate on here as to which schools are and aren’t full boarding, which suggests that it can vary by year and boarding house, making it even harder to decide. And of course it is likely to evolve further over the next 5 years or so, and only in one direction.

I think it’s something you need to think about pretty hard. Definitely ignore any school that doesn’t have Saturday school or allows a Monday morning re-entry as those v likely to empty out. Realistically, there are probably only 5 schools that would meet the traditional criteria of going home for exeats and holidays only. Most others only have a handful of closed weekends and considerable flexibility outside those.

You can pay a stranger to do that bit as well

An interesting question – thank you for taking the time to provide the background and context rather than the usual “What’s the best school in Hampshire?” one-liners.

Which incidentally makes it doubly a pity that there have been so many unhelpful and snarky remarks (honourable mentions to JaukiVexnoydi, Xiaosong, whatissheupto, saltysandy, netaporter, continentallentil, LIZS, hawaiiwake, Araminta1003, Rockhall and illiterato for being the only dozen or so posters to have responded in a constructive and mature manner).

Taking each point in turn:

Longlist: it does sound like you’ll need guidance from education consultants at some point, but as a first step you should do your own research – read between the lines on the GSG reviews, search through Mumsnet threads on specific schools etc. Once you get to the consultant stage, you can then be wary of them pushing you in a certain direction.

Shortlist: as others have said, there’s no substitute for (in order of importance) your son, your wife and you having a look at each school in person. The right school is the one that all three of you feel comfortable about. Speak with recent ex-parents and ex-pupils to understand the positives and negatives of each school – bearing in mind that what some may consider a positive will be a negative for others, and vice versa.

US vs UK boarding schools: teenage years are extremely formative ones, and there will be different developmental paths in the US vs the UK. While there is an international community at many equivalent East Coast schools, my impression from parents and students is that the education and outlook is generally US-centric, rather than in the UK where some but not all schools are (ironically) less insular.

Location: as you’ll be flying in from Seattle on a regular basis, proximity to Heathrow will be a big plus. Tonbridge and Sevenoaks are less convenient, unless you’re relying on your parents flying in from Belgium to Gatwick on a very regular basis. Conversely it may be worth you adding options between Heathrow/Gatwick and the Isle of Wight eg. Charterhouse. There’s also Bedales in that direction, but I sense that it may be a bit too progressive for you.

Distance to the relevant airport/train station is also a very important consideration.
A 16 year old can travel independently to Belgium on a weekend, no problem. Note the train station in London and chart the journey from any school you choose. Eton is obviously great for Heathrow, Sevenoaks good too.

For someone who is fussed about languages I would like to highlight that a lot of British top schools fair very poorly in this regard vs for example, Swiss boarding schools where being trilingual is actively encouraged and the norm. The French/Belgium outlook is also just more intellectual. The British way is more sports/resilience/get on with things/be an all rounder/pack lots in do sports/music/drama/debating/academics in equal measures.

Some people want an elite and international network for their kids. Query whether boarding is necessary or whether one can wait until university or 16. I think for the right kind of child 13/14 can work but I would make sure you pick a local guardian very carefully - that will attract a cost. I would pick someone in town itself/very close by. There are people who love doing this kind of thing and mentoring young people whose kids have flown the nest etc.

Sevenoaks is closer to Heathrow than Winchester… just saying the M25 helps and it is very close to Gatwick for EasyJet to Belgium? It is also very quick on the train into Central London/St Pancreas is doable. Eton is fantastic for Heathrow, obviously Gatwick a little further. Train into London is more bumbling than Sevenoaks, same applies to Winchester. All the schools will just arrange taxis and kids share anyway. However, with early morning flights the easy journeys can help.

Winchester is the prettiest and safest town for a young teen. Sevenoaks is small but a bit dull but enough for a 13-16 year old. I suspect after that they go to London which is close. Windsor is very touristy and the tourists love staring at the Eton boys in their uniforms. Eton might be the royal school again quite soon. Some people like that, others really don’t.

The headmaster at Sevenoaks is American and will probably stay for a good few years and is now settled there. Winchester is getting a new head? Eton has a head who has been there a while, I think he is great and made good changes so far. Others think he is woke. I believe he has 4 kids of his own and is quite dynamic.

Let’s face it- this is the 21st century, all the leaders need to stay up to date. Things such as screen policies and homework load vary but things could change completely at Winchester in the next few years, who knows.

You should consider Atlantic College, which caters much better than most UK schools for students with an international background, and ticks all your boxes.
https://www.atlanticcollege.org/

I am not opposed up boarding school - my daughter attends one - but I think this plan you have isn't ideal.

I don't think British education will give you this giant upgrade on what you could get in America. (I am an American in the UK)

And as others have said, the days of sending your child off to a full boarding school and hardly seeing them seem to have mostly fallen by the wayside. We see my daughter the majority of weekends - and of course all exeats and holidays. Even from the international students (mostly China and HK) there seems to be a trend for one parent to be local for a great amount of the school year. The kids who truly hardly see their parents strike me as the most sad and have the most complicated relationships with their parents. "Full boarding" just doesn't exist like it used to.

American education at least offers a massive breadth. If you have the funds to afford amazing private education in the states, then surely the world is your oyster. Maybe you should explore your local options a bit more.

Winchester is deserted on Sunday, we also found that most overseas parents were based in the UK for a large part of the school year.

As people have mentioned boarding school syndrome, quite an interesting article in yesterday's times https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/parents-may-share-blame-for-boarding-school-misery-slgnklfdq

@LoserWinner Atlantic college is so far from Belgium or the Isle of Wight, though....

But because it has so many students from all over the world, it’s set up to enable students to travel to and fro wherever their home is.

@stillavid As an ex boarding school parent these articles are hard to read I bitterly regret sending my DS to boarding school. Nobody at those places has your child's interests at heart, I have to live with my decision. It depresses me greatly so see parents continue to make the same choices.

Good evening - for the most of you at least -,

Thank you all for the great number of insightful and respectful comments.

Sending him to a US boarding school would indeed be a possibility, but, even though, I have married an American woman and live there, my feeling is that having children who only grew up in the US is not necessarily a desirable thing. In all honesty, the idea of 'American exceptionalism' and the related Americentrism frightens me, as does, for example, the political intolerance. I was not educated that way and don't wish my children to think that way. You could, of course, argue that it's the role of the parents to give them an appropriate education, which encompasses the transmission of certain values, but when they grow up in an environment that doesn't necessarily share that world view, it's difficult...

On the other hand, if - like a lot of you seem to say - it has become normal for boarders to see their parents each weekend, it will probably not be easy for my son to handle it. But, like I already said, we do as parents, of course, intend to see him once in a while and my parents would see him more often. If that will be sufficient, I do not know. I believe(d) so. Again, my wife didn't see her parents each week, at the time, and doesn't seem to be angry or unhappy about it.

Even if we would send him to a boarding school on the East Coast, we would not see him each weekend; that's just not feasible.

Overall, I imagine that it also depends on your child. And my son, for instance, seems to cope quite will with being away for a certain time, without seeing us - it doesn't mean we don't call or write him.

I talked about the subject with a friend of mine, who has sent one of his children to a Swiss boarding school and doesn't see him as often as other parents do, by cause of his very busy professional life. Nevertheless, his son seems to be quite OK with it and doesn't seem to be unhappy or to feel forgotten/neglected by his parents.

By sending our son abroad, we want him to blossom. He loves learning, he loves debating with people, he enjoys to be stimulated. We can entertain him and teach him a wide array of things, but our knowledge is not unlimited, as is our free time. My understanding and hope was, that this would be possible by sending him to certain boarding schools.

The question of deciding between A-levels or IB, is not an easy one. At the moment, we do both share the impression that our boy likes, once he finds a topic that interests him, to dive deep into it. Currently, those subjects appear to be mathematics, physics and history.

Regarding university studies, which is not really a preoccupation, I think that having studied A-levels wouldn't hinder him to join an American university (or a university in continental Europe), not sure, though, if an IB is the ideal preparation for a British university.

Furthermore, a very international school might be a good thing for him, but I don't think it has to be a conditio sine qua non. It should be somewhere in the middle.

A last point that one of you brought up, namely languages, is interesting and important. We do indeed believe that mastering several languages is a necessity. Obviously, his knowledge of the English language will only improve. It would be a pity, if he would lose his knowledge of French, which I doubt since he does speak it with me since his birth and he spends, each year, a month of his summer in Europe. His basic knowldege of Dutch, will of course remain basic. Losing his Russian would, on the other hand, really be a shame, since he speaks it quite well - far better than I do, but that's not really an achievement ;-). I have read that some schools offer Russian language courses, but I have no idea about the level of instruction or engagement.

You intend to see your child once in a while?

Well, I won't be able to visit him each Sunday by taking the plane from Seattle.