Children - one in Boarding and one in State day school

[pasok1000]

I am just looking into choosing the school for my second son.

My first son ( now in year 9) is in the boarding school for boarding school outside London and the second son ( now in year 6) didn't get into that boarding school.

We are thinking whether to go down the route of second son going to the state school as place came up in year 7, which eould mean removing from prep school and committing yo state school till A level

I am just thinking that it's difficult to live under pressure for another two years in the prep school and again, waiting for a place and again going through assessments and also relying on some financial support as we unable to pay the full fees

Please could you share the thoughts if they had a similar situation

Thank you

If your younger son is at a prep school they should be ensuring he gets into a decent independent senior school. Are they trying to make sure that happens? Did you only apply to one?

Nothing wrong with state schools but he is going to question why you haven’t made the same choice for him as for his elder sibling.

The situation is obviously complicated by your need (?) for a bursary. If you’re deciding on state school for just one child primarily because of finances I think you’ll have some difficult conversations over the coming years.

Are you paying full fees for the boarder?

Won't your boarding son feel resentful that his brother gets to live at home?

Is your younger son likely to get a place at a different independent school? (and how likely is another bursary?). If he is going to be going to a state school, it may well be better to move for Year 7 - otherwise he’ll be ‘prepping’ for nothing. He may as well move earlier and have the benefit of not being around lots of children sitting exams for various independent schools.

I would be worried about future resentment though. Have you spoken to the prep school about his options? Why didn’t he get a place at his elder brother’s school? The prep school should be advising you on potential school options (though of course they are bound to suggest he stays for Y7 and 8 so they don’t lose school fees).

If your older child is enjoying a boarding school education, then your second child should have the option of the same experience if they wish to board too. If not boarding than an independent day school. How you finance it is a problem you need to sort out asap and you should have planned for this before accepting your first child’s place. Just because one child was successful in winning a bursary should never be held against the younger child who may not be able to secure a funded place. There will be hell to pay in your family if you give one child a boarding place but the other is stuck at home and at a state school. I’ve seen this first hand and the fallout is horrific and breaks families. Do not expect your children to be close growing up and beyond if you as parents treat them differently as the resentment will be insurmountable.
there are schools, both day and boarding, that cater for all academic abilities. It’s not your job as a parent to make sure you can afford for both children to have the same opportunities, with or without bursaries.

Yes, we are talking to his current Prep School, the second son school, all they say they cannot give us the assurance of a place at 13 +
, with complications of financial support
They say they think he will get a place at 13 plus but no reassurance

I would try and keep him there. It’s unfair to give one a private education and one a state education. It will cause huge resentment later on and likely to fracture relations between them. Your younger son will feel he missed out. For sure.
It is equal down the line for our dc without question, I could not agree to have them treated differently.

On the other hand
My son other one had a state education before going to Independent Education, and my youngest son has a prep school education from year 4 ( state until year 4)

The transition from private to state may not be straight forward either.

No it's not fair OP. They're going to resent each other and eventually you for the massive difference in their lives.

On your own head be it tbh.

From their pov if the education and extracurricular activities are better at private secondary school that’s the bit they will see. I don’t think having prep rather than state primary would make a difference to resentment of what is happening now.

Sorry what do u mean by resentment now?

Sorry I wasn’t clear, I was meaning if one is in state and other private at secondary

From looking at your other post is your older son at Eton (but started at a state school) before moving to a prep for 2 years? Has your ds2 got an offer from Harrow but no guarantee of financial aid to facilitate accepting the place?

What is the state option for ds2 is it a high performing grammar like QE or a normal state comprehensive.

Are there other private secondaries that may offer financial assistance for ds2?

It should be noted that Eton is very wealthy and can offer more assistance than many other private schools

Just to add to this, myself and my older sibling went to private school, our younger sibling did not because went to a grammar school, we're all now in our 30's and there has always been huge resentment from younger sibling (mainly towards my parents) that this choice was made. Youngest sibling went private until year 9 until a move and they made the choice to send them state, he has huge resentment for that!

This happened in dhs family too, and has created such bad feeling that has spanned decades. Sibling relationships never recovered and one is now dead feeling very hard done by.

I just wanted to ask on what basis the resentment is formed
Is it in terms of extracurricular opportunities because this could be filled outside school?

Being at home also advantage that the child can see his parents

It's pretty straightforward, isn't it? 'My parents were prepared to spend large sums of money and make sacrifices for my sibling that they weren't prepared to make for me.'

Also - 'my brother was academic/attractive to boarding schools so my parents supported him going private, but they thought state was good enough for me.'

The narratives write themselves.

Our situation is that we tried with him the entrance exams and it didn't work out so at least we tried but in your case did you have an opportunity to try for the boarding school please?

No it’s not because of something so practical as where extra curricular activities are held. It’s more the child knowing that parents chose to give one child an education that is perceived by the parents to be so superior that it warrants not only a huge expense but (boarding only: ) the separation of the family during termtime. That the parents value the education so highly they are willing to not just pay but also sacrifice time with that child but not willing to make the same sacrifice for the other child who goes to state school. It’s the perception by the child (at state) that their parents valued the education of one child more than the other. That is what fuels insurmountable resentment within the family. Resentment by the child left at state. It puts the boarding/fee paying achoolsibling in the most horrendous of positions they had nothing to do with. And god knows what guilt the parents will (should!!!) carry their whole lives knowing they make these active choices.
it’s way way more than where evening tennis or music lessons take place.
I have very close hand experience of this very situation and the family unit is broken with huge simmering resentment that filters through even well into post school years.

Resentment goes both ways… spending what will be hundreds of thousands of pounds on one child’s education and nothing on the other. But also potentially resentment from the child who is sent away compared with the child who lives at home.

Fwiw I have 2 DCs at private school and it’s eye wateringly expensive. If you’re needing financial assistance now I’d think hard about whether you want that stress going forward. My kids’ friends who went to state school are all headed to similar universities having had a good and free education.

Eton isn't just any old private school. You can't have one son there and send the other to the ropey old comp down the road, you just can't.

Resentment could go both ways, the child boarding might see it that he was sent away, the state educated child May think you short changed him. I personally cannot see how you can justify paying for one child and not the other, and why you chose boarding if you didn't have the funds to pay for the second child if they didn't achieve a bursary. Most boarding is from 13 anyway

Children who go to a boarding school go because they want to. Children haven’t been “sent away” for several decades now. I don’t know any boarding school recent leavers who feel in any way hard done by that they weren’t at a more local school. More like they miss those school years as they bloody loved it all!
good schools also vet students before offering boarding places to make sure the child is keen and suitable. It’s a financial disaster for schools that lose a boarding pupil if they drop out due to not loving boarding so they interview very carefully to make sure the child is a good fit for a boarding school - and as a result this is why children love it. I know in yesteryear boarding schools took anyone whether the child want it or not plus boarding schools were harsh environments but these days it’s more like a holiday camp with slightly average food and annoying lessons between 8.30am and 5pm 😂.
the resentment will only be one way - and that’s the child left at state school whilst they see their sibling enjoys a wholly different experience. It’s like feeding one child fillet steak and goose fat chia for supper and giving the other value mince and smash. They might both contain the same amount of calories but there is a perceived difference in the quality and the one in receipt of the value option is going to be well aware of this!

That’s really unfair to treat them so differently. never goes down well, even if they’re different kids.