Children - one in Boarding and one in State day school

[pasok1000]

I am just looking into choosing the school for my second son.

My first son ( now in year 9) is in the boarding school for boarding school outside London and the second son ( now in year 6) didn't get into that boarding school.

We are thinking whether to go down the route of second son going to the state school as place came up in year 7, which eould mean removing from prep school and committing yo state school till A level

I am just thinking that it's difficult to live under pressure for another two years in the prep school and again, waiting for a place and again going through assessments and also relying on some financial support as we unable to pay the full fees

Please could you share the thoughts if they had a similar situation

Thank you

They might say they want to go to the comp but look back many years down the line and wonder why you didn’t push them to have a great education like their sibling.

My friend went to boarding school years ago on an assisted place. The scheme had stopped by the time her younger siblings might have benefited. She went to Oxford and has a stellar career. The siblings didn’t do as well despite being very bright. They all get on well but her going to a good boarding school was partly why she earns c£400k. The siblings are nowhere near that. You need to treat them equally.

But what can the OP do if her ds1 is already boarding and her ds2 hasn't been successful in gaining a place with the right financial assistance?

I would suggest keeping the ds2 at the prep and looking for an affordable day school private place for years 9-11 and then trying boarding again for 6th form.

State boarding or somewhere like Christs hospital. You absolutely cannot have one in private boarding and the other at day state. They will hate you and each other as adults. You need to be a lot firmer with your head. That's what you're paying for.

Its probably i feel state school that he has a place from year 7 is a good school
amd i just believe it wiuld give all round excellent education

Your eldest child goes to Eton and you're thinking of sending your youngest child to a local non private school?

Have I got that right?

And you ask why there would be resentment?

I am speechless. What's the MATTER with you, OP?

I’ve known a few families where one sibling was sent to private, and the others were sent to the local state school. There was a gender split with both families as well, although I know that’s not your situation.

From what I know there doesn’t seem to be any resentment between the siblings but there’s a fair difference between a regional private school and Eton. There’s just no comparison, and no way on earth for the parents to bump up the access to opportunities or connections for the other child.

And he'll absolutely loathe you and his brother. That said if you're not really that bothered about him go for it.

If your eldest son goes to boarding school then I assume it’s because you’re not around to care for him so therefor will have to send your younger son to boarding school too?
if you’re able to send your youngest to state school and actually look after him yourself then why not have your older son live with you as well and go to the same school?
I know a lot of people that were boarders and I can’t say it did anything for their lives other then make them dislike their parents.

@pasok1000 , is the state option a grammar school?

I do have sympathy because I suspect your ds1 was encouraged to apply to Eton from a state primary due to his natural ability and you have given him this opportunity without a clear plan for ds2.

Not a grammar but faith school

@pasok1000 , if the faith school the school your ds1 would have gone to if he hadn't gone to boarding school you should perhaps view it as your ds1 been given a special opportunity - a bit like a sibling being amazing at a sport and being whisked off to Millfield - and ds2 is continuing the journey you expected. The problem is the current prep school place for ds2 and boarding option at 13 that is too expensive.

talk to your son and give him the options and let him choose. Thats the only way there will be no resentment.

I went to state grammar. My sister didn't get in so went to a boarding school. There was no resentment because I was really happy

Excellent. You can move your eldest son there too and they'll both have a really good education

We've had a very different experience from all these tales of doom. DC1 was gifted and got offered high scholarships and bursaries to private school from prep onwards, Including secondary at boarding school. DC2 was a hard-working all-rounder and went to state school throughout. Got into grammar but we then had to move so they had to go to comprehensive instead. DC2 understood that DC1 was at a nice boarding school doing lots of great extra-curricular stuff because of DC1's unusual talents. DC1 and DC2 always got on well - there were no arguments, resentments, etc about one being a boarding school and the other at comprehensive. I worked really hard with DC2 to help them with their own interests and give them opportunities outside of school. End result - DC2 is a happy, well-rounded person who did very well academically (slightly better exam results than DC1), and both DCs got into Oxbridge. They are very good friends. My view was that I would do my best for each child, that it would be wrong to hold one back because the other one was unlikely to get the same breaks. I really think that it would have been wrong of me to do that, and that doing that would have led to resentment from DC1 and would have had a big affect on their life. As it was, DC2 understood the logic of them having a different educational experience and therefore feels no resentment.

The older child may in the future think “my parents didn’t like me enough to keep me with them at home”. Or “my parents expect me to do amazing things and if I fail I’m worth nothing to them”

The younger child may think “My parents didn’t care enough about me to arrange the best education”. He may think that means he is stupid, or unlovable.

That is why you need to make fairer arrangements. It’s a bad idea to give one such a privileged education and one a normal state. It’s cruel.

What is your son's opinion?

He says he would prefer boarding, but doesn't mind if we decide that he needs to go in year 7

I mean year 7 state school

I would be impressed if your DC2 bears no resentment towards you though @User48321.

I have friends whose parents made similar choices and while they don't resent their sibling, they feel very much that their parents valued their sibling more.

I'm not sure their parents are aware of their feelings but they feel they have to try a lot harder to earn their respect and love.

I went to Private school from age 11 while my dbro went to a local crappy comp, we are in our 50s and he still bangs on about it and blames it for everything that went wrong in his life.
I even got a full scholarship!!

Perfect solution.

This with bells on

If you believe it would give an all-round excellent education I can't see why you wouldn't send both of your children to the excellent state school.

I agree with all of the others who have pointed out that choosing to treat them so differently would be likely to lead to life-long resentment, because it would be unfair and create the impression that you don't think as much of your younger boy.

Why on earth didn't you consider these huge implications when packing your eldest off to boarding school? The idea that all boarders love boarding nowadays and all want to be there and love being with their friends was also the narrative when I was sent to one very unwillingly. It's utter horseshit. Some children appear to cope better, but are just following the culture of stiff upper lip and it's impossible to leave boarding school emotionally unharmed. Bring your eldest home to the excellent comp too, if you want your sons to have any hope of a positive sibling relationship as adults.