Children - one in Boarding and one in State day school

[pasok1000]

I am just looking into choosing the school for my second son.

My first son ( now in year 9) is in the boarding school for boarding school outside London and the second son ( now in year 6) didn't get into that boarding school.

We are thinking whether to go down the route of second son going to the state school as place came up in year 7, which eould mean removing from prep school and committing yo state school till A level

I am just thinking that it's difficult to live under pressure for another two years in the prep school and again, waiting for a place and again going through assessments and also relying on some financial support as we unable to pay the full fees

Please could you share the thoughts if they had a similar situation

Thank you

Not good enough for the one getting a private education at boarding school tho

But not good enough for the older sibling?

Because that’s the message you’re giving to your kids.

For what it’s worth, as a former private school boarder myself, I long for the day when there’s no market for private, and I wouldn’t send my kid to one now.

But you did for the eldest- I’m baffled that you can’t see how your youngest will be feeling.

I do strongly believe your younger child will get a great education at state school- the issue is the clear favouritism towards the eldest and the message you’re sending the the younger one just isn’t good enough to warrant that investment.

What I’d strongly suggest is asking the youngest what they actually want. Take them round all the possible schools and gauge their opinions without pressuring them.

@Clymene - absolutely not. We have a really good relationship. DC2 is a very reasonable, sensible and nice kind of person, which obviously contributes to all this. And I have given them lots of opportunities which DC1 hasn't had (and wouldn't have been able to have due to boarding and extracurricular commitments). At the end of the day, what would it have achieved, not to have allowed DC1 to fully enjoy and develop their talent and enjoy the educational opportunities the talent earned them? Just so that they could go to state school because their sister was likely to end up there? To me, the idea of doing that is just really wrong, almost "evil level" wrong. A parent shouldn't sacrifice one child just in case another child feels resentment. All children are different, and a parent can help each to make the best of the opportunities that are available to them. And hopefully help them to develop into people who don't hold unjustified resentments and who make their own way in life, with their own abilities, hard work and ambition.

This is a challenging situation but honestly depending on personality, ability and the exact schools doesn’t sound that ‘fair’. It sounds like you prioritised dc1’s needs and now there is a panicky afterthought for dc2.
if you are at prep school it is rubbish that you couldn’t get any independent school for 13+ as there are hundreds of schools and many are only minimally selective. I wonder if you only tried a very small number of highly competitive options. Realistically a place and financial support is more likely at some of those schools as you aren’t competing against the super bright. Your current prep is not doing a good job if they are not providing support and advice. Our prep supports all families in finding the next school, even those not looking at highly selective options or that don’t get places in yr6.

If you are yr6 you have loads of time. Some schools are yr7 application processes. I would start by contacting many other independents, apply and see what happens. You can always move to state from yr9 if necessary but you ought to exhaust all possibilities before treating your two kids so very differently.

I went to a ‘good’ comprehensive in a ‘nice’ small town, had a mediocre education ,had to organise all own extracurricular (I was motivated) and was bullied. My sister (6 school years younger) went to an independent school to avoid my experience, I agreed this was the best choice and I am glad she went there. She had a much deeper, rounded education and made great friends. I wasn’t particularly jealous of her but I went to a difficult to get into university and the gap between my experience and those of my private school educated peers was huge and stark. I’m not saying one is necessarily always better but I do think without good reason you should try and treat the dc similarly.

As @User48321 has shown, if one child has a gift that allows them to access an education their parents would otherwise not be able to afford, I absolutely don't think they should be held back because a sibling cant have the same experience BUT if will take proper open conversations time and effort with the other sibling to ensure they have other opportunities and don't feel sidelined. Op the fact that you can't even see any potential resentment is a worry

You need to get dc2 actively involved in the decision making - take them round schools that are viable options, explain the pros and cons of each but let them lead on the decision. They presumably know they didn't pass the entrance exam so will know that school is off the cards so now is the time
To engage them in what they want. But please find a suitable alternative which is NOT the local comp (as that just smack well if he can't get in to Eton like his brother then fuck it he might as well go to the local comp)

I guess for us it is like Certainty/ settled sotuation from year 7 ( he can change in sixth form for boarding)

or Uncertainty for 2 years with prep school

Uncertainty for 2 years and then 5 years in school which is not a 1st choice option

I know it’s not black and white. There used to be a poster prominent on the Education boards who had one son at Winchester and one at state school. Apparently they had very different skills and tolerances and were both cool with the decisions. But I’d say that’s rare.

I think taking him out of his prep school now, when he could stay another two years, might well be interpreted as punishment. Remember he’ll have the rest of his life to reflect on his childhood - I hate to think of a fifty year old man wondering why his parents didn’t think he was worth those two years. Besides which, it’s the prep’s business (one might say duty) to get him into senior school. Explore the options with his school - whether independent or state - so he can feel part of an organised process, rather than precipitately rejected by everyone.

Bluntly it seems totally bonkers to me to rate uncertainty for 2 years as so much more of a problem than potentially treating them so differently. Changing schools at Y9 is really normal in the public school system, especially for boys. You'd be opening up huge potential for the boarder to feel second best for spending less time with you, and the younger one to feel like you value him less. Personally I'm a great believer in state schooling but you clearly believe the premium for private school is worth it, and your sons both know this. They will see straight through your sudden conversion to thinking state school is just as good, and your younger one is likely to take it to heart. The "remedy" you're proposing is so much worse than the disease.

Your children will experience this on an emotional level, not a logical one. They need you to make decisions that speak to them on that emotional level. Otherwise they may say all the right things to please you now, that they understand and it makes sense, but grow up feeling very differently when they are older. It's a completely disproportionate reaction on your part to pull him out of a school he's settled at just because he missed out on a place at his brother's school. Keep him in his prep and use the 2 years to find a better, more equitable solution.

But there's no uncertainty for him, just you and as the parent you can suck that one up on his behalf. It's also on you to sell it right or this is an obvious solution, you're getting a good education, you're happy (he assuming he is!) lots of positive noises and dismiss the idea of moving now. And end of conversation with him for at least another year.

For goodness sake get his prep on board & being a bit more proactive with identifying appropriate & realistic Yr9 destination schools so you're not leaving it to the last minute and making rash decisions that could have a significant impact on both your boys' wellbeing and future relationship.

How can i ask his prep school to get on board ? Any emails and conversations i had do not

have any concrete plans how prep school would help

Just ask for a meeting with the head That is one of the main roles of the head - to use their network of senior schools to get your child into a suitable senior school. If you're without a senior school they should be on the phone to all their senior heads getting him a place.

One of us at private school and one at the local comp broke my family and created a lifelong division. Adding to the division, our parents got caught up in the snobbery value of the private school. Sibling who went there missed an ASD diagnosis and got into drugs. Still 'wonderful school', 'couldn't do enough to support interests'.

I think that prep head probably thinks it's more yeah 8 matter further than year 6

I don't possibly see that the school is trying to do anything now

I suspect the two children are very different and the first one got a bursary because of their academic abilities. To try and get a school like Eton or similar for the second child and to be blunt (not have the money to do it) is going to cause all sorts of issues.

Yes, I underestimated this

I’d keep younger one in prep until 13 and pull the older one out after GCSEs and send to state or day sixth form.

Universities tend to be tougher on those coming from privileged educations, so it would be beneficial to your older son to go to state.

That way, both will head to state school or
independent day school at roughly the same time - ideally heading to the same one.

If older son settled i will feel nervous moving him because of uni prospects

Eton have invested in ds1 for 5 years, he needs to stay there.

Stay with the prep for ds2 and hope they can help you find a bursary place during year 8.

Universities tend to be tougher on those coming from privileged educations, so it would be beneficial to your older son to go to state.

Education is about rather more than playing the system. The many tangible and intangible benefits the OP’s elder son will gain from staying for sixth form will more than equip him for a competitive application to whichever universities he chooses to try for. He won’t need two years at a state sixth form to help him along.

As I understand it, the elder child also has a bursary - which will be flagged up on his university applications. (Ask me how I know …)

Put them both in state/day school and spend the spare money on tuition/extra curricular activities.

Two thirds of Oxbridge students still come from the 7% of children who go to private school. The pack is still stacked heavily in favour of private school candidates.