Black women and dating, urggghh!

[AudreLorde]

Hi! I'm an old MNer who's back with a new name after more than a decade. Right now I feel like I really need to hear about the dating experiences of other Black women in this country, as I'm frankly fed up. I'm in my 50s, dark-skinned, decent-looking, well-educated, my friends tell me I'm a catch (aww, bless - you can always rely on your girlfriends 🥰), and hetero. I get so little male interest it's almost hilarious! I just checked my data on a dating app, and I've sent 270 likes since September, which resulted in 25 actual matches and precisely four dates! It's not great odds! 😅 But it totally reflects a lifetime of bad dating experiences, and it makes no noticeable difference how much work I do on myself. So I'd love to hear if other Black women (of all shades, generations, sexualities, abilities, etc) are experiencing something similar or having more success than me! I've heard that UK dating is worse for Black women than other countries, interestingly. But do I really have to leave the country to find love?!?! 😂

Side note: if you're about to post something like 'it's not about skin colour', I'm going to first ask you to ask yourself how much experience you have dating as a Black woman. If the answer is 'none', please don't post, because this is a hurtful topic for many Black women. Feel free to lurk and learn, but just leave it there, thanks! 😊

OP I what dating App/site are you using?

I've been using Hinge. Have you tried it?

Dating as a black woman is hard. Also, who are you swiping on?

Mixed experiences amongst my group of friends. One had her time absolutely wasted - not sure what she saw in them. I think this was Tinder/plenty of fish.

Another found her husband on there.

Then there's a few others who have dipped their toes in but realized they wanted something quite specific and it was better to go down the hobby/faith route.

Yeah, it really is hard, good grief!

I'm swiping on men of all ethnic heritages. Is it ethnicity you were wondering about?

That's both encouraging (that it's not only me) and frustrating (that it's not only me!)! 🤣 How old are your friends? From what I see around me, I feel like younger generations are more open to dating Black women than men of my generation.

And so great that your friend found her person. 🥰 I wish them a love that grows with them.

I'm not dating right now, but I remember it being tough when I was younger in my 20s. From what I've heard and seen with friends I can only imagine how awful it is once you're over 40.

Are you looking for something serious, or do you think you would prefer dating and hanging out for fun?

I think if I ever was in a position to date again, I wouldn't want anything serious, just someone to have dinner with etc.

No advice about where to find a decent man, sadly.

In the long run I'm interested in finding a long-term partner, but I know this takes time. And yes, it's so hard at this age. Do you recall what was difficult about dating in your 20s?

10 years ago I.met someone and had a 2 and h year relationship. After this ended had another relationship too. I was looking good, but did not have much interest to be honest. I have a decent job and personality. I do think skin colour has a lot to do with it. Many of us have a type, a black woman may not be everyone's type. I said this to one of my friends, who is white, and she was appalled. I have heard the landscape of OLD has changed for the worse🙄 at 55 I don't know if I can be bothered again.

Ah just the people I fancied didn't fancy me!

Wishing you the best of luck with finding someone. Definitely do not settle, and don't let the horrible dating landscape bring you down.

Last tried 10 years ago in 30s, no kids (pre-apps). Found it very disappointing with very little response, hardly anyone even wanting to talk let alone meet, maybe 4 positive responses out of 100 likes. Might have been as i was looking for a relationship and not a hook up, but I’d heard women talking about being inundated with men contacting them but not in my experience.

Hi @AudreLorde I have recently joined hinge last week not paid for any subscription so not much happening. I have had few matches and couple of good conversations but no dates yet. Thinking of paying for a month and see how it goes.

It's all ages tbh I really think OLD has done a number on dating tbh. I'm late 20s and younger men are no better, there's a lot of colourism on the younger aspect, im mono-racial but I'm lighter skinned and I refuse to date a colourist man. I only date Black men aswell

I don't blame you. How on earth do we wade through the impact of racism? I learned today that the apps all have a ranking system based in part on the number of likes you receive. So tacky. And so, Black women are going to quickly be ranked low, making the system inherently racist.

Thank you! 🥰

This is so similar to my experience, which is comforting if annoying!

Good luck, I really hope you have lots of positive experiences!

Yeah it's well known algorithms have a racial bias

Ah, that is really sad to hear. I do agree with you about OLD: it's brought out our shallowest beliefs about what relationships and dating should look like.

It's just inescapable, this racism rubbish 😡

My close friend who is verging on darker skin tone (early 40s) hasn't had great success with OLD either.
She has met and dated a few (different ethnicities) but nothing substantial has come from it.
For the past 2 years she's given up on it.
We still socialise fairly often and so she has met men organically but the whole dating minefield has scarred her emotionally.

I do have another much lighter hued friend (47) who is also struggling with OLD. Lots of matches but the guys don't seem serious once they start conversating. She also isn't having much luck in in-person connections.

Sorry if you've already said this but could you consider joining a club or interest group? Do you attend a gym?
I attended a black networking event last weekend and then another friend had some pre-christmas drinks at a music venue and on both occasions there were a couple of single (black) men.

Had this story since Iv been a teen regarding my dark skin tone i am of Indian heritage

Have you thought of trying the services of a professional match maker?

As a married black African man, I can easily count at least 3 dozen single and unmarried black women across different age ranges. Some have children, but now starting to see more in their 30s, 40s and 50s without children. A recent Morgan Stanley report projects that by 2030, approximately 45% of women of all ethnicity between the ages of 25–44 will be childless and single. I am aware of some of the often cited qualitative and quantitative research reasons but will be interesting to read actual personal experiences.